Personality as described by the Jung test:.

A few days ago, my friend asked me to take a personality test,which gave you a four letter personality and a description of said personality.The test- http://similarminds.com/jung.html

After I discovered my personality type of INFP, I was linked to a description of my type, and found it almost shocking how dead on it was. I shall post the description here. anything bold is what I believe is undoubtedly true. italicized indicates that it's somewhat true, and striked out shows that does not pertain to me at all.
(NOTE- For some reason it made most of the below text unreadable? Just highlight it to read it.

creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

So as you can see, minus three things, all of these pertain to me, most of them being so true it's slightly sickening. in fact, anything bolded with 'can be' is usually 'is always'. It makes me realize how many flaws I really do have- not that I haven't noticed them before, I always knew I was one defected human being, yet I never really gave it much thought before this. 

This friend of mine, you know her as Faye, had both myself and Life Support take the test. Out of curiosity I had my love take the test as well, and oddly enough, those two both got the same thing- INTJ. Now I would go further into this and do the same thing I did for my description as I did theirs, but.. Actually, what the hell, I might as well. This is what I feel they are.

Starting with Love:

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, not very altruistic(depends), not very complimentary, would rather be friendless than jobless, observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private, not much fun, hidden, skeptical, does not tend to like most people, socially uncomfortable, not physically affectionate, unhappy, does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things, tends to be pessimistic, not spontaneous, prone to discontentment, guarded, does not think they are weird but others do, responsible, can be insensitive or ambivalent to the misfortunes of others, orderly, clean, organized, familiar with darkside, tends not to value organized religion, suspicious of others, can be lonely, rarely shows anger, punctual, finisher, prepared

As I was going through this, I also thought about what I'd put for LS, and I realized that I really don't know what fits him or not, considering I haven't met him in real life nor have we had a decent conversation(not counting this month)  in what seems to be over a year, probably even longer. It makes me wonder how much I truly know about him.

I'm tempted to dwell more into the studies behind this test, and deeper into my personality.. maybe some other time.

Heartless Opinions:.

Maybe because I'm older. Maybe because I'm not yet a mother, or don't live in Connecticut. Maybe just because I hate seeing in on every damn newspaper, every facebook page, and every news channel.

But this whole hype about this shooting pisses me off.

Sure, it was alot of innocent people. But innocent people are killed every day, most we don't hear about. What makes these 24 any different from those unnamed? The amount of people killed? The fact that it happened at a school(also more common than you know)?  If you won't acknowledge all the lives lost in the world due to murder, why dedicate so much time for these people on a national and international broadcast?

Even more unbelievable, they're starting to play the 'blame game' on why the murderer, who is also dead, did what he did. So his mother(dead) taught him how to shoot a gun. So he has a disease. Who cares? They're dead. It happened. It will happen again someday whether we like it or not. No amount of blaming and releasing irrelevant/unnecessary facts will change that. No talk about whether or not to ban guns will change that.

You can't change anything by letting a world know about a murder. If anything you ignite more murderers. I'd get into this, but I'd rather not at the moment.

I know I'm not the only one with these opinions, yet I also know anyone who shares these opinions are looked at as heartless. Same with the incident that I loosely touched on back in my senior year- a freshman died from flipping out of his quad and hitting his head on a mailbox. He was drunk, and thus it was his own fault. I had no sympathy what-so-ever because he was underage drinking and it was his stupid mistake, which to me proves he wasn't smart enough to even deserve to live. After expressing this opinion I've been called a heartless bitch to my face by several people, most of which haven't spoken to me since.

Maybe I am heartless. I don't have sympathy for those who succumb to stupidity or, in the Connecticut Case,  being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But this is fate. As time goes on there will be more chaos, more murder, and we can't stop it. No gun laws will prevent it, no locking up potential criminals or making murders public announcements. It will happen.

So just let it happen and shut up about it.

Open(Ramble)

I feel that now that I have shared my blog with the handful of people I can trust, I am more open about myself. Though truth be told I have only really spoken to two people since the big reveal(as in, like, actual conversations, not simple 2-message convos, I've been more honest. With myself, too. I feel like I'm starting to gain my fearlessness and hope back. Two days after I revealed my blog and spoke to a certain someone, I felt happier. I actually smiled for 5 hours on register(which barely happens anymore because people are assholes =w=') , I was more passionate when I spoke to 1, and I felt like nothing could get me down. My cravings ceased, for cigarettes and pain. Sure it didn't last too long thanks to my hormones, but I'm sure when my monthly demon leaves me I'll regain that lovely feeling of finally being, well.. happy.

True happiness is something you can only get after accepting everything in your life. Before finally getting closure, I would fake happiness by working myself to the point where I would forget my life rather than accept it. Hell, there were days I could barely remember what I ate that day, let alone things that happened weeks or months ago. I've heard lack of memory can also be caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. When I try to remember something I get a headache, or have trouble breathing, so perhaps that's the case. I still have a memory problem after closure, but if I do remember something, I look back on it with a new insight.

Closure.. it's funny, I've been seeking this for close to four years. Even after moving on in my life and getting somewhere with it, I still had doubts. I was still not happy. Blame in on my cowardliness, or doubt that I would get the answers I sought, I could not get myself to confront them until I decided to present my blog to a handful of people. Questions were asked and answered. Though bittersweet, they gave me hope. Happiness. And exactly what I needed.

I can finally accept where I am, what I want to do with my life. And I can finally express it to the two people who matter the most.

Cigarette 2.

The cravings stopped for a long while, or atleast came and went very quickly without any real effect on my mood or state of mind. Then I got closer and closer to my birthday. Every single day, especially when I was put on register, my cravings came back worse and worse. On my birthday and the two days after it was to the point where I'd have to bite at work (on both wrists, multiple times) in order to stop myself from buying a pack.

Yesterday I caved in. Got a pack of USAs and a lighter. Went to one of my co-workers who wouldn't question it or be concerned by it, no one around saw me buy them. I couldn't have one there, because my mom would see. Thinking about it more, I realized there was nowhere that I could really have one without her or someone finding out. Now incredibly twitchy, I decided to go with 1 to pick up one of our friends from work. It was obvious that I was not myself, that something was bugging me. When I left and he walked me home, I took the pack out. Immediately, but calmly, he took the pack out of my hand and looked at the contents inside. "Don't." He repeated multiple times, stuffing them in his pocket and pulling me close. "You're better than that."

{Am I?} I kept thinking, all the while still craving the death stick. We walked in silence after that, minus a few "I'm sorry" whispers from myself. He walked me inside, followed me into my room, and held me close. A little while later he spoke again.

"Is that all you bought?"

I nodded, but then remembered about the lighter and handed it to him. He shook his head, obvious worry icing his gaze over. I could barely look him in the eye, I felt so weak. Foolish. I had to be if I bought a pack of the thing that I swore I would never buy, the thing that could very well kill me without my inhaler by my side. Tears started to form, but never fell as he stroked my hair, rubbing my back with the other hand. He tried to lighten the mood with several comments while still getting his point across- "Cigarette breath smells really bad.""They're way too expensive." He even told me that he would pay me back for them, even though I told him he didn't have to. He kissed my forehead, looked me in the eyes, and told me he knew I was better than that. And if ever I craved again, to remember that before I buy another pack.The thing I remember the most was his second-to-last comment: "Now can I have a smile?" A genuine smile showed on my face, and the two of us laughed it off. He then tucked me in, told me he loved me, and softly closed the door behind him.

I was thinking for at least 2 hours after that. Am I truly strong enough to not give in yet again? I practically promised him that I wouldn't, and I know that he trusts in and believes in me. Even so, that nagging feeling tugs at me. Ieven had a dream that the two of us were walking around an amusement park together, smoking. Or rather he was smoking and the rest of the cigarettes were broken so I couldn't have one. It made me wake up wondering what he actually did with them. I know he's not the type to smoke, and am almost positive that he threw them away. And yet, I still want to ask. Still want to make sure.

Today I had to leave work without even saying goodbye, for if I did I probably would have bought another pack.

Thankful

For mah meeps, who seem to always make me smile or laugh, even when I'm annoyed.

For my steady job in which I've learned so much, and which gave me the power to actually put my stress to good use.

For my co-workers who seem to care about me and make the job enjoyable(most of the time).

For my Monster High collection, and all of the high quality merch and clothing I've bought/been given.

For the first man I fell in love with.

For a reconnection with a different love who means the world to me.

And the great memories with a great friend in between.

For Ponies, Lauren Faust, and Littlest Pet Shop.

For my sisters and three lovely.. I almost said grandchildren XD My niece and nephews. I wish there was a collective name for them.

 For my parents, despite their lack of understanding.

For the sanity I still have.

For my kitten-daughter and all of my feline siblings I've had over the years.

For the dubbing community and Hello!Project.

For Finnish Metal, and my chance to see Sonata Arctica live in December.

For my AnimeNEXT experience and meeting my (second) Wife, Tokunaga Chinami.

 For the heartaches that helped me learn and grow.

For my innocent brain that doesn't pick up perverted jokes the first time around.

For my ability to connect with bizarre characters.

For having great teachers in my High School experience.

For my anime collection and Jpop CDs.

For Bacon, Scalloped Potatoes, Spinach and Artichoke dip, and Hot Sauce.

For fate somehow keeping me on this planet so far.

For the people who actually give a damn and read this whole thing XD Congratulations!

Dream:.

For the first time in a while, I had a dream that I actually remembered most of. Perhaps because Life Support was in it? Anyway, here's how it went.

I was at some sort of party(I'm guessing holiday themed because there was a huge Christmas tree in the house). It was LS and a bunch of his friends, at what my brain perceived to be his house. I remember being very casual there despite this being the first time meeting him in person, talking with him and other people. Apparently there was a room with a very flimsy door(as in, the door was really just broken pieces of cardboard and Styrofoam). He attempted to help me repair it, but it didn't work, to I shrugged and went into a fancy bathroom. XD' I forget when, but I remember a bunch of us watching TV with my back turned to the screen and burying my head in my arms, what I usually do when I'm tired. I heard a song which apparently, though sounding like Fluttershy, was Stocking. I showed of my Panty and Stocking keychain.. And that's most of the random stuff I remember.

Then, it got a bit weird. A fire started out of nowhere, and my cats showed up out of nowhere. I grabbed Yossie, my dad(who apparently showed up out of nowhere) tried to grab one or two of the others. I lost sight or LS, and got worried. A staircase started to burn down and fall. All of us were now in a room that was apparently safe from the fire. Out of nowhere LS and a bunch of his theater friends started to perform a musical number and the fire stopped. People started to leave, my Yossie-kitten disappeared, and I again went to search for LS. I found him, he smiled and hugged me. I think I woke up from thoughts of wanting to kiss him or tell him I loved him.

There is absolutely no sense-making to this absurd dream, so I'm not going to bother.. But the one thing on my mind is why dream of him, of all people? Does that mean he misses me, or I him? The latter would make sense on my side friend-wise, but I'm not too sure about the other way around. -shrug-

Oh well.

Comfort Me in Silence

Gone. Obliterated. Everything in its path that wasn't human succumbed to the demonic sea, the wind like a dragon's breath on the earth. With one day thousands of lives were lost without having to kill- their spirits so weak by the devastation of their childhood, their home, their life.

I thought I would die, and not from the hurricane itself. But from fear of losing him. He, the stubborn love who didn't evacuate, even when a state trooper showed up at his doorstep. My love. I drove myself into panic attacks because I had no way of knowing if he was alive, with the power and phone lines down. I'd kiss my phone, tears streaming down my face, trembling as I hear the wind tear through trees and picture the worst happening to his house.

In my state of panic, having trouble breathing, I unlocked my phone and tried to send one more text. This time, to a person from another state. The only other person I felt could help me in my state. I told him the situation- stuck in the middle of the hurricane, scared out of my mind. I thought I was going to die. I told him I loved him, which was true on some level, and that if I did survive that insanity, we could pretend it never happened. I honestly didn't think it would send, and it did. I certainly didn't expect the reply, either.

"Stay alive so I can say it back."

I hugged him tightly, told him my fears and described the storm. He didn't reply, yet even so I felt safer. As if somehow, through the phone, he was holding me close, stroking my hair in silence. I suddenly got hope that 1 was alright, my breathing steadied, and my tears dried. I was warm, safe, all thanks to one simple text.

My life support saved me once again without even knowing it. 

And I'm sure he will fade away from my life until I need rescuing once again.

Sandy

 I didn't think this storm would be too bad, despite all the hype. I wanted to just shrug it off and live my life, work on some dubs, get ready for one of my favorite holidays.

But last night, when I realized it was here, I was having trouble breathing, tears threatening my eyes, fears encircling me. A panic attack, I believe. I woke up and it was gone, I felt fine.

I then started to worry not about me, but 1. The most stubborn person you'll meet when it comes to leaving his house, even if it's for safety reasons and he's being forced to evacuate. The jerk and his family are still in their now-flooded house, being attacked by this storm. I cried several times due to worry, something I don't think I've done in over 3 years.  But he keeps assuring me that he's alright. Several times today he texted/PMed me just to say he loved me, and I'm not sure he knows how much that means to me. I hugged the phone so tight my hands were cramping, only wishing that he was with me, safe, so we both didn't have to worry so much.

The wind is howling outside. Already I've witnessed several trees come right out of the ground, the power has gone out several times, and seen my street turn into a river. There were pictures of LBI(Where 1's family and a few other close friends live) where the waters were high enough to boat across, waters high enough to reach the middle of traffic lights, and it terrified me. Just now an ambulance drove down my street. I'm having trouble breathing again, and I believe I'll be kept awake with fear as I listen to this storm wreck the street.

I'm scared out of my mind.

For my love.

For my friends.

For myself.

To the Bastard who married our sister.

Stephen,

 Such a simple thing I have to tell you, but because you are too simple to understand tis three-word sentence, I'll have to explain it to you. GET A JOB.

Oh, you know, the thing that your wife and my sister is working three of? One for each of your kids, I guess. Then again, she would need a fourth because of the fourth child she's carrying around: you. You are a selfish, immature child who can't take responsibility for your actions or comprehend what the person you swore to love and protect is dealing with. THREE. JOBS. Two full time, one part time, working with no sleep what-so-ever, sometimes going right from one job to the next, then having to return to a dirty house and children who still need to be bathed, fed, and changed while you're passed out on the couch from a busy day of videogaming.

What's worse, you even scold her for having so many jobs. You told her to quit her second job at good old Kmart, she did, you yelled at her for it. She got another job, and you yelled at her for it. Well, YOU sure as hell aren't making any effort to keep your house and three kids and wife fed and with a roof over your heads, so she has to wear the pants and support the family in whatever way she can. She's working herself to death, kid. Running on little to no sleep, being a mother of three kids(ages 4 and under) as well as a midnight shift manager, a waitress, and a country club worker, and then having to deal with your bullshit, it's no wonder why she looked like death when she stopped by my house this morning. Even worse, it sounded like she was coming down with bronchitis.

You buy whatever the hell you want with HER money, forget about HER children more often than not, and then treat HER like crap when she gets home. What did she do to deserve such under-appreciation? If anything you should be kissing the ground beneath her feet and you yourself should act like the proper housewife, making sure the children are fed, clean, and asleep by the time she comes home to get ready for her midnight shift. You don't even do that on most occasions.

If you won't at least give her that, then get out of her life. Give her the kids that she's busting her ass to provide for, and move with your parents to Florida. We all know that's why you won't look for a job anyway.

Go Fuck Yourself and Have a Nice Day,
Nova and Kaitylee

Bonded By Death, random scene

At first, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I was a little girl with unruly copper hair and a fairly skinny frame, living off of my momma's pay. It was one of the few times I saw her laughing, playing silly clapping games with me. I was only eight years old, and although she was 24 she looked as if she aged three years for every year she lived. Feeling her bony fingers against mine, frail palm against frail palm, my innocent mind thought that everyone was supposed to be that skinny and malnourished. And yet, for someone so worn down from whatever her work was, my momma was the prettiest and happiest girl I knew. She was my hero.

Until the door slammed open, taking both momma and I by surprise. Immediately she tensed up, eyes wide, pushing me aside. Suddenly everything's a blur. I hear him screaming words I was told to never repeat, I hear momma pleading and  yelling at me, physically moving me. "Go to your room, hurry!" I listen, running as fast as I can, yet I know he's right behind me. I hear banging on the wall, clashing of what little furniture we have, and his excessive cursing. Just as I reach my door, It's too late. I feel my bones cave in, my lungs almost giving out as the man without a face smashes my body against the floor. His words rape my skull as his body does the rest.

"You're gonna be just like that bitch, you little whore.."

I try to scream out, yet my little lungs won't let me. "Momma! Help! Get off! I-it hurts!"

Help.
HELP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eyes fly open, and the screaming immediately ceases. I'm pushed into the chest of a man, and it takes only a second to realize it's my master. I'm sobbing, my face laden with tears and terror. I can finally breathe again, and although the man without a face is not there, though my awful memory has stopped, my entire body aches as it did that day. I weakly wrap my arms around him, trying to stifle my sobs. I hear his voice, full of emotions I can't place.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Mina?Are you alright?"

My brain is still trying to make sense of his words as he lightly pushes me back, tilting my head up so our eyes meet. I see worry, anger.. grief? Could that be possible? I've never once seen a grief stricken Master, not even after the fire took place. I feel my muscles loosen as he massages my shoulders gently, not taking his eyes off of mine. Again he speaks, yet his words are now clear.

"Was it a nightmare?"

I shake my head, and find my voice. "A memory." It is hoarse, weak. Just like the rest of me. I force my tears back.

"A step father?" I shake my head.
"One of you mother's clients." This is not a question. My eyes widen in shock, how the hell did he know? He answers my unspoken question.
"You didn't think I wouldn't do a background check on you?"

I just stare at him, my mind and heart blank. I cannot think or conjure up any emotion as my mind tries to erase everything, just as it did years ago. All at once, I want to blame my master, tell him off, attack him for bringing up these awful memories. I never had a recollection of that night until he took me in. I practically forgot my entire childhood until he forced it back into me..

I notice I'm now cradled in his lap, my head against his shoulder. He speaks again. "What exactly happened in that memory of yours?"
I shake my head frantically, and notice the smile tugging at his lips. "You need to tell me, Mina."
"No I don't." I bark, wanting to glare at him yet knowing I'd only cry if I did meet his eyes again. It's all his fault, this man, this monster.. And yet, he's completely innocent, and for once, I feel as if he might even care about me. A single tear streams down my cheek,  yet to cover it up I bury my face into his neck, laying both of my hands against his chest. .He chuckles.

"You're overstepping your boundaries."

I keep my face where it is, and breathe the words into his neck. "You don't like being touched?" I realize how that sounds, and scold myself in my mind. He is obviously amused.

"Not without my consent, no."
"Well then, may I touch you, master?"
He laughs again. "Yes you may."

"Can I kiss you?" I feel both of our surprise as the words escape my mouth before I even think them. He tenses, as do I. and I reluctantly realize what is happening.
"Now why would you want to do that?
Again, my filter doesn't catch the words before they are spoken. "To know that you're not him." My tone is grave, yet honest. He sighs, and chances running his hand down my back.
"I'm not going to ask again. What did he do?"

"I really do not want to get into that right now."
I feel the amusement return to his voice. "What do you want to get into?"
{Your bed.} Entirely grateful that my brain caught the words before my mouth did, I come up with a more reasonable answer. "Anything that doesn't involve my past."
With that he smiles, removes me from him, stands up, and is at the door before I can even process what is happening.
"Well then, I should leave you alone for now. Feel free to use the bed." And before I can even think to reply,

he is gone.

Gloomsday

It's a simple gloomy day, in every sense of the word. My spirits are low, the rain and darkness outside my window is terribly saddening, and though I have my furry orange sister Luvbug cuddled on the bed to keep me company, I feel alone.

When I'm in this state, what do I do?Oh, you know, just look through old posts on here, facebook and Deviantart- some I've written, some from others, comments, etc. It's always the same outcome- blaming myself for past problems, wishing there was a way to go back and fix them.

Then I laugh when I realize how many of my posts involved missing my formers, and other complaints about love. Or rather, I laugh bitterly, then sigh when some of those posts still apply. To simply miss being cared about and loved by my formers is a feeling I know all too well.

I know that most people's reactions would be "You're with someone, it's bad that you miss the others. Suck it up and get over it."

But as said in previous posts, my heart is to big and mind to sentimental to simply forget that I love them. Do I love them more or less than my current? No, I believe I love all three at the same level. Yet society doesn't accept that. And I think 2 would have rather handcuffed us together than share me with someone else. =w=' He always got so jealous, even though he knew I was faithful.

I wonder, does it mean I'm not faithful for having feelings for others on top of feelings for my current? I don't believe that is so, because I wouldn't leave him for anyone nor would I want to hurt him in any way. When I go to hang out with a guy I ask him first, and I dismiss any kinds of flirtation. I simply just have longing to repeat some memories,  sometimes dream of my exes(though nothing sexual, hell, I don't even think I've kissed someone in a dream let alone that. At least nothing since 1 and I got back together.If anything mild flirting or cuddling. Most of the time it's just them just being there and not having anything really to do with the dream).

They say that, in a dream, if you dream of someone that person misses you. It sounds strange, but I've been wondering if it is true. And if it is, whose dreams have I popped into?

I knew of a man old and wise with
a beard of grey, a beard of grey
known as the creator of humans and Earth
or so they say, or so they say.

I watched him sculpt a human girl
with such great ease, with such great ease
choosing her parents and ideal traits
 suited to please, suited to please.

"I pity the man who falls for her"
I heard him say, I heard him say
"I pity the heart, the golden heart
he'll give away, he'll give away."

I didn't ask why he felt this way
the wise old man, the wise old man
Instead I watched her life unfold
before fate's plan,before fate's plan.

Such a lovely girl was she
with satin hair, with satin hair
and eyes of summer sparkling
without a care, without a care.

She wasn't like the other girls.
she was so rare, she was so rare,
she spoke her mind and yet was kind
She chose to dare, she chose to dare.

And dare she did, she lived her life
the way she chose, the way she chose.
It wasn't hard to fall in love with
such a rose, yes, such a rose.

 Yet as she grew so did the thoughts
of her last breath, of her last breath
as loneliness swept through her veins
 and scooped up death, and scooped up death.

For though she was so loved and dear
by many guys, by many guys
her heart could not accept their words.
they were all lies, they were all lies.

She couldn't be their lovely girl
though she would try, though she would try
getting obsessed with pleasing them
until she'd cry, until she'd cry.

And then I realized with such great pain
That God was wrong, that God was wrong
it wasn't the heart of the lovesick man
that was not strong, that was not strong

But rather the angel he sculpted then
who gave away, who gave away
her heart until it was no more..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This just came to me randomly, particularly the third stanza, in which I sculpted the rest based on. Not too sure what really became of it. -shrug- But I can say it took a completely different turn than what I originally had in mind.

Corrupting Him

At first, I would jokingly say that I corrupted 2 when we were younger, because of my sadistic roleplays and obsession with Orochimaru. In '08- I believe he was only twelve then- we had our first erotic roleplays. Reading them for the hell of it, I almost laughed at how innocent the both of us were and how we really didn't know what the hell we were writing, on top of both being illiterate. But, he was fricken 12. Realizing this, I actually feel guilty. Sure I was only like, 13-14 then myself, but realizing what had happened later, not only with me but other people on the site.. Well, I feel like I partially corrupted him to being so into that stuff, and even worse, good at it as time passed by.

I stumbled upon a series of PMs a while back on that site. It was a year later, a week or so after I broke it off with one.. Knowing all to well the bad memories it would stir up, I clicked on each one and read them. I almost cried, and guiltily, got turned on again by it. I honestly see that day, those messages, as my first time. And his first time.. I hope. God, that thought pains me so. He had a thing with this other girl whose name is a curse to me now(which kinda saddens me because there's 2 H!P idols with her name, but I digress.), and all of the people on her site were essentially perverted, and apparently they had a chatbox wedding(which I burst out laughing when he told me). So it makes me wonder if he ever did.. I never asked him, hell no. It would make things even worse between us.

I know it's stupid, saying my first time was through private messages with a boy I'd never meet in my lifetime and getting all worked up over it. But the feeling was real, pure. I wanted him then, so damn bad. We did a lot together after that day.. Almost like our relationship depended on it. Probably the reason why we drifted so far apart.

I wonder, if I never roleplayed those erotic Orochimaru x OC with him, would he have been that perverted so early? Would we have even done anything later, or become more than friends? It's hard to say. I guess in a way he still would have been corrupted at some point. Yet I am partially to blame for such an early corruption. Perhaps.. he partially corrupted me as well.

The worst part? I want to talk to him about all of this right now. I knew this would happen if I read back, but did I listen to my gut? No. So now,I just have to go to bed with these thoughts taunting me, wishing I could have a counseling session with my corrupted former love.

Human.

I am
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Pansexual
Human.

Humans are capable of falling in love with anyone. Love is an uncontrollable emotion.
Humans, if lucky, only experience love once. If even luckier, they experience love through their entire life, one heart swell at a time.
I'm that unlucky human who gets shunned because my heart can hold genuine feelings for three men and a woman at the same time.
Why is polyandry shunned? It's all a part of being human. Perhaps because love can be a selfish emotion- "she's my girl, no one elses. Her heart and body belongs to me." Now that I don't agree with at all. My heart is my heart, my love my own emotion that no one can fully possess. I understand the body part, slightly- I wouldn't want my love fooling around with another. So, my view of polyandry in moderation:

It is acceptable if:
Both the female and her partners genuinely love each other
The most intimate thing done between the female and any of her partners is kissing
The partners all know each other and respect this decision, as they all love her

I would be all for this.Why? Because I genuinely love everyone who I have ever been in a relationship with, in the relationship sense. They have a part of my heart that will never permit family, or friends that are like family. Because they are more to me than that. They are the reasons why I smile, cry, laugh, and sacrifice my happiness. I doubt know that this is all one-sided, as no one could ever feel that way about me, and so my wish is short-lived. But if people could accept I'm in love with more than one person at the same time.. Perhaps I wouldn't have to be fake anymore.

Fake.
Yeah, fake. I fake smiles. Fake 'fake interest' in something, or casualness. Fake fake fake. Because a real heart is something that is shunned, I have to turn it into something fake.

Pain

Another sleepless night.
Too much on my mind,
too much depression.
The craving ceased,
for cigarettes and food at least.
Now.. pain? What the hell?

I mean, sure. I have these feelings
when I'm so angry I just want to feel pain,
stab myself, start biting again.
Even if I did bite, it wouldn't be the same.
 I've bitten so many times that the wrist
no longer feels the pain I need.
I used to be able to get my knee cap,
but I can't stretch that far any more.

It pisses me off.
How vulnerable I am.
How strong I try to be.
How the only people who understand
aren't the one's I want to hear from.
How hearing from the others
piss me off, because they
blow me off like I mean nothing.

I want to bite even more.
Be bitten even more.
I used to roleplay sadistically
so I wouldn't have to result to real pain.
If I did that now, even if it's OCs,
I would feel like I'm cheating.
Plus, it lost it's luster after dating 2.

Not just the sadism, but cybering in general.
Roleplaying in general.
Because he was the only one I wanted
to do those things with.

I know I can't depend on him.
I know he wouldn't do it anymore.
But damn it, when I get like this,
I can't help but crave it.
No matter how much I now detest it,
no matter how much I love 1.

1 doesn't understand my pain,
or lackthere of. I send a cry of help,
he merely says he doesn't know what to say.
I'm DYING. The least you could do
is try and comfort. Try and understand.
Don't make me feel worse.
Lonely.
Lonely..

Life Support.

Standing on a cliff, just above a jetty.
the wind ignites her hair into a wild dance.
a storm is brewing, and yet, she is calm.
Eyes closed, arms free, dress shirt flowing
to the left. It's time.
Without a second thought she jumps,
a downward spiral head first.
"Goodbye.." she whispers.
"See ya in Hell babe." her other half.
 Nova.

She left him a note. A simple question.
Why am I such a mental patient?
She never expected him to answer.
He never did before.
And so she dives, heart
compressing from the pressure of the air.

A hand.
A hand touches her own.
"What happened."
She is turned so her feet face
downward, eyes meeting his.
Suspended in time, she vents.
Her other half tries to take over.
But with every word from his mouth,
 she is knocked down, with every word
peace starts to envelope the child.

Funny,
How although she is older than the man,
she is inferior. A little girl, almost broken,
depending on him as her angel, her blanket
to catch her fall and make the fear go away.
She loves him. More than she should.
She depends on him. More than she should.
Without him she would die.
He carries her back up to the cliff,
then down to the shore.
He leaves without a word after.

Does he realize she is dying?
Does he realize her love for him,
him actually speaking to her,
is one of the only things keeping
her alive?

Does she realize she can't
depend on him to be her life support
any more?

Little poetic dribble from Scars and Stripes.

I patiently wait for his eyes to open.
Right by his bedside, in the outfit he picked out,
tugging lightly at my collar. So tightly
he clipped it on, and only he can take it off.
He never will, I know this much.
Yet if he loosened it enough for me to
not have to choke the air I breathe,
I would still be by his side.

He doesn't believe me. Last night,
As he locked the door and pinned me
to the wall, he told me directly. To him,
I'm a bitch on a leash, faithful only when
there is nowhere to go, yet will betray
my master as soon as the door is opened,
as soon as he is out of sight. 

My master..
Even if I wished to betray him,
Even if I was given the freedom
of an open door, a night without
my collar or shackles to keep me bound,
I would never. Because the reason
he shackles me is so that he
can be free.

I shift uncomfortably as his eyes open,
yet regain composure like that of a trained
soldier. He would say I'm brave like one.
He glares at me, I stare back, not showing
any fear. "Good morning. Master." Strained
are my words, yet that eases him. Somehow.

I give him room to sit up, bow while
he gets out from under the sheets.
"Mina." I perk up, my lips meeting
his on impact. His eyes are open,
watching my reaction. I play into it,
close my eyes, let one hand land gingerly
on his shoulder. He approves, sweeps his hand
under my skirt and pulls me closer.
I wince as he traces the gashes he created
nights before, yet that causes him to scrape
deeper into them. I yelp, he pulls me even
closer. "Master.." I breathe into his lips,
and he grants me some air.

 Our eyes meet again as I catch my breath,
and I search for some emotion other than
lust and hatred inside those perfect orbs
of melted copper. Nothing still. I wait
for him to kiss me again, yet he simply
stands there, hands in places I've still
not gotten used to, staring through me.

"Is.. something the matter, sir?"
My voice is soft, sifting the peace through
the pain. I let the concern
show in my eyes in hopes that he
might see it to no avail. He pushes me aside,
looks the other way as I fall, and walks to the door.
"Master." I call one last time, wait for him to stop,
and as he turns to me, I lift both of my wrists  up.
I don't have to say anything after. He manages a smirk,
locks the door again, and grabs the shackles.

"I've taught you well."

Ever since the fire all those weeks ago,
I've consumed a whole new identity.
I was no longer Penny Thorsen, servant
to the most polite and grateful nobles
in town. I was Mina, slave and slate
to their beloved nephew whose career
and sanity also were extinguished on
that night. He inherited my body,
and turned it into something only he
would appreciate. I am his canvas.
His American Flag.

I didn't expect anything logging on Skype this morning, I was just opening it in case of a dubber friend wanting to get a hold of me. So while I was going through my daily internet routine, I hear the little Skype squeak, look at the notification and my heart skipped a beat. That friend, the one I lost touch with, actually STARTING a conversation. We spoke for a while, then added in our third friend just like old times. We were speaking as we did those three years ago, goofing around and having a grand old time.

However.

I felt a wave of sadness, the more we spoke. Bittersweet nostalgia, perhaps. It got a bit awkward in the conversation when the third friend(Lets name her Faye) started asking us about our relationships. It was normal for me, because she usually asked and I was happy to announce it was almost a year for me and 1, but it was hard to listen to Friend when he was speaking of his newest breakup. Why? Because, sad to say, I connected that to the relationship the two of us had. Only ours was much more complicated and lasted longer than a week, but still.And then the part of me started to think if Friend felt awkward listening to me speak about 1 as well.

I can say I have never laughed that much as I did talking to those two, though. Faye and Friend will always be the most special people in my life no matter what, even though we've drifted apart. And I only hope that today is the rebirth of our adventures together.

A Life for Myself

A few weeks ago an old friend of mine said that it seemed like I really had found a life for myself. I decided to consider all that would be considering finding a 'life' by comparing myself who when I first met him to now.

Back then:
~Just got over my 'part cat' stage
~Obsessed with Naruto and became an Orochimaru fangirl
~illiterate and overly morbid
~suicidal
~99.9 percent straight
~No job, doing below average in school
~In love with someone I would never meet
~Both parents worked, sister moved out, barely any friends, grandmother passed away
~quit singing/band
~Barely ever cried due to a song or movie, uberly sensitive to real life stuff though

Now:
~Forget almost everything from my childhood/ tween years
~No longer a fan of Naruto, still into anime
~Could care less about the real life stuff(minus losing friends), cries like a baby with certain songs and most movies/anime
~still morbid, but a better writer
~Bipolar
~Bisexual
~Ended highschool with some of my best grades, been working for 2 years
~Been in a steady relationship with someone I genuinely love for almost a year now
~Mom jobless, tons more friends, but feels like her dad isn't a dad to her and has no close extended family (as in grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc)
~Dubbing
~An alcoholic waiting to happen

I wonder, AM I really better off? Have I found a life worth living? I guess to anyone else, I have changed into a respectable woman. People who once shunned and made fun of me now respect and admire me for being so different, and for being able to stand on my own(as far as holding a job and stuff goes.) But, to me, I feel like I've gotten worse. They do say the people who are looked up to by many are the most messed up psychologically, and I can't doubt that at all. But it makes me wonder, how did I really get this mentally screwed up? There weren't any events in my life that directly effected me that could do the trick. Never been beaten, raped, never drank or had drugs nor were my parents/sisters doing so at the time.. Some deaths, some problems with my aunt's life and her kids/ my grandfather that I was too young to know about and by the time I did know I didn't care. I guess the only real kicker had to be the neglect/ teasing I faced as a child, but could it seriously have been THAT scarring as to make me suicidal and crazy? Was it really enough to make me trust people on the internet more than people in real life, and fall in love with one of said friends to the point where I was mentally unstable when we were dating? I guess I never will know..

Convention Cap- Day Zero

Day Zero, at my sister's house. Just a little day of relaxing and prepping for the three-day epicness that will be AnimeNEXT. Today it was just me and the pup- D(Cee's boyfriend and roommate) and Cee were at work early this morning, so for 9 hours straight all I had was a TV, Laptop, and a puppy. Zoe's the cutest little thing for a dog, but so darn hyper. Also,she hates her cage, as expected- Cee put her in there so I could take a shower in peace before she left for work, and it was as if I was being murdered. The kid would NOT shut up until I got out of the shower, got dressed, and took her out of the cage. 'Course it took like 15 minutes to figure out HOW to open it(did I mention I'm a cat person? =w='), but she was very happy to be out.

It was kinda tiring,but after an hour or two she calmed down and I was allowed to take an hour nap. After that she cuddled with me for a bit, watched me as I made breakfast, and amusingly, almost tackled the maintenance man who came to fix the closet door.(Cee and D just moved in, so they had some problems with the closet and other stuffs). Also amusingly, she kept growling and barking at the person mowing the grass on the whole other side of the complex.

It's now 4:30, and D got home a few minutes ago. Still waiting for Cee, and wondering what we'll be doing and how we're gonna get ready. She has work tomorrow, so we have to find a way I can get to the con during the day. Since opening ceremonies start at 4 and I'd still need to get my pass, tickets for the concert and there's a few panels I want to see before that, I really want to get there really early, which wouldn't happen if I waited for my sister. I also need to get my costume on, which might take a while. My Hatsune Miku costume got here on Prom night(and the wig the night before),  and just for the hell of it I tried it on right after prom. It's AMAZING, But takes lot of time to get on. It's kind of tight, the sleeves actually kinda cut off my circulation.  8D' But , it's all worth it. I still haven't opened the wig yet, which is approx 3 feet, but I'm seriously waiting impatiently to put it on. XD

I'm not sure what else to say right now except I'M SO FRIGGEN EXCITED HSBFDVDGJSW.

So yeah, bye. 8D

Bittersweet Endings

My last performance on stage was tonight. Our Improv Review, which was a compilation of parodies about Southern Regional that we created. For a night where we literally created and pulled together a brand new, working concept in three days, it went pretty smoothly. Minus my head almost falling off XD''' I was supposed to be the Ram. Okay, so an imposter of the beloved mascot who really was a Janitor. And in the midst of it I killed a math teacher, ruined the priss' popularity, and ruined the theater geek's chances of being with said priss. Good times.

It's sad that my last performance was one that I couldn't really connect to, though. For one thing it was rushed, and we were all stressing trying to work together. Also the fact that I'm not the most social butterfly(actually, I think I'm still in my cocoon), and that my social awkwardness carried through when we were trying to work together.

I honestly think all underclassmen in my improv and chorus class pity me. But why, I wonder? Sure, I might look like that silent kid in the corner who you make friends with just so they spare you when they start shooting up the school, but I'm not like that. I'm a simply complex, awkward, sparkly, free spirit who marches to the beat of her own harpsichord. I guess people don't see that part of me though, only my insecurities.

I dunno. I just wish that I could have been in Improv last year. That way I could have been with the advanced class, most of which I knew from intro or from them being in my grade, and I wouldn't have been thatawkward. But as always, it conflicted with my dreams. Most things I like tend to do that.

I should shut up now, because I'm starting to depress the hell out of myself, and I could really use a hug right now.

But, I'll just have to wait lonely and cigarette deprived until Saturday, when I can finally be hugged.

Her

So, I can't say much because, even on a blog where no one knows who I'm talking about, I'd still feel guilty. But simply put:

I spoke to her today. Yeah, 'her', the girl I had a crush on a little over a year ago? It's funny, because I pushed my feelings aside for a long time, and they only really ever come through when I talk to her. But it's never been a physical attraction as I've said in other posts. No, this is a pure emotional love. I want her to know how beautiful she is inside and out, how I understand her and support her, and I never, ever, want to see her upset.

I knew for a while now that she loves this one person, and now that she bluntly tells me, I'm honestly surprised I'm not sad. Maybe because I know the person she loves, and because she was so fricken adorable and happy when she was telling me and how they planned out their life together even though they technically haven't officially confessed to each other or asked each other out. But it's funny, because though I love 1 to pieces, I genuinely love Hex too. But, I guess that love changed forms ne? I mean, a love that I can be fine with giving up, as long as she's happy.

I always thought that lesbians would have better luck with relationships than hetero or 'gay', to be honest. Because while with most 'gay' relationships I've heard of and straight ones there's more of a strong physical attraction and most of the relationship revolves around make-out sessions and sex, and most straight people(yes, even the straight half of me) tend to have that need for physical over emotional at some points, lesbians aren't really interested in sex or anything of that nature. They focus on the emotional aspect of a relationship, which is how more people should look at relationships. The fact that they feel comfortable talking to that person, that they can trust them with everything and the only thing they want is for the other person to be genuinely happy by their side and don't need any kind of physical thing(well, minus cuddling or a hug of course =w=).. While that is a decent amount of my current relationship, I'm surprised that's even lasting as long as it is.

So now, I'll be grateful for my current relationship and the friendship I have with Hex, while I happily listen to her go on about her love. ^^

Dude, a genuinely happy post?

Shocker, ne? I mean, despite my super-sparkle-awesome-tastic personality on facebook and in real life when Nova's not taking over, I don't think I've ever written a remotely happy blog. =w=' Welp, that is about to change.

I am so excited for this anime convention in June XD AnimeNEXT, to be exact. <3 My sister surprised me by getting us both passes for all three days of the con, just because I mentioned one of my favorite Hello!Project groups(Berryz Kobou) was going to be there. We get to go to the concert, a signing, Q&A Panel, and a bunch of fan-created panels for Hello!Project lovers. It's also exciting because not only do I get to meet Chinami and Yurina(my favorites from this group and my voice role models), but I get to meet a bunch of dubbers as well!

The one person I'm most looking forward to meet and introduce to Cee is my friend Janjan, jrocknpoppingirl on youtube. I've known her since I started dubbing close to 2 years ago, and we've been uber close ever since. We are even coordinating our cosplays so they match- I'm wearing my Ciel Phantomhive(from Kuroshitsuji) dress, and she is being Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji on the second day.

I still don't know if my costume will come in time for Day one =w='' I was planning on being Hatsune Miku from vocaloid, and bought a very well made costume and 3-and-a-half-foot wig just for it, but I don't think it'll get her until after the con. D8 So, I'm probably being either Ula D or just going as myself. That's a costume in itself, ne? XD' To anyone else anyway. If I had the creativity and the time, I'd try to make a Pony cosplay, probably Fluttershy or Apple Jack. Maybe next time yupyup. o2o

I'm also doing a lot of performances with people at the convention 8D Let's see.. I'm doing a random singing-and-dancing performance of Momoiro Sparkling by C-ute with a bunch of my dubbing meeps, and then at a H!P Karaoke panel I'm duetting with 2 people- Janjan(singing Reconquista by Hangry&Angry as Yossie <3) and then Caryn(singing Koi no Vacance by W while singing the lower harmony). I also want to try and learn a new dance for the con, preferably a Berryz dance, and do a solo song at a karaoke panel if I have time.

Dude, I'm so excited for this XDD It's the only thing keeping me going right now yupyup. Well that, work, and my Jpop/Finnish Metal.

I was introduced to a new band that I absolutely love- Sonata Arctica. They are a Finnish Metal band with a gorgeous lead singer. My mom even kind of likes them XD So that must mean they're good. <3 The Rasmus' new album is also coming out soon, which I'm excited for because it will be going back to the style of my favorite album by them, Into. All of my bands have been really stepping it up lately, which I'm happy for. XD

OH. I was about to wrap this up but I remembered another thing that's keeping me going right now. XD The Legend of Korra, a sequel to Avatar:The Last Airbender. It is all kinds of amazing, and Steven Blum(Uber sexy voice of just about every villain and flamboyantly gay green-haired technician I know) voices Amon, the main villain in the show. Holy dude does he make me love that character XD Even if you want to hate the character, his voice makes that impossible.

And lastly, what would a happy post be without mentioning 1? <3 I'm so excited to go to prom with him this year. And uber-happy that we've been able to spend a bunch of time together despite my busy schedule and his mother's laziness.

Welp, that's all the ramblings I can manage today. XD Stay sparkling meeps, Pikaru Out~

Another sappy stupid 'no-one-cares' post about Love.

Note, started around 10 PM last night, but I practically passed out mid-writing.

1 having just left, I started to think about how much I miss him already, and how the next time we can be together will not be soon enough.

It's funny, because I think back to the very first time we dated, and realized that I never felt this way about him until we were older. I'd like to believe it's from me growing up and knowing what love is, rather than my mind just thinking this because all of my relationships in the past pretty much blew up in my face.

Sure, I still have some burns and scars from past relationships. But I highly doubt that they've scarred me so much that I have to conjure up the feeling of love instead of naturally feeling it. They actually, for the first few months after each one ended, closed my heart off and made me more bitter, until I could get over it. And every time I was in a relationship, sparing the very first one, I genuinely loved them.

My heart is big enough to accept all love, and it is possible to love, or even be in love, with more than one person. Yet that is what makes love a dramatic, depressing emotion. Now, the scenario below is 99.9 percent hypothetical.

If, say, I was still in love with 2 while I was dating someone else, but I loved said someone else as well, I wouldn't know what to do. It wouldn't be right to date one while he wasn't the only one I loved, and it would confuse the heart even more. Even if there is no chance of getting with 2, I would still feel guilty for thinking and caring about him as if he was still more than a friend. And you could switch the first sentence around to mean anyone that I've dated, and it would have the same general result- confusion and heartbreak.

I still remember how I felt when I had to break it off with 1 to be with 2, all those years ago. I honestly believe I was in love with 2. 1 Was, kinda sad to say, a 'test boyfriend' at the time? I mean, we went on dates, kissed a tiny bit, hung out every day after school, but it felt more like a really good friendship than a relationship. I was 15 then, though, so I didn't really know what a relationship was supposed to be like(and that a genuine relationship was pretty much what I had with 1.) . But I felt absolutely crushed when I said goodbye to him. All of the love I had for 2 could not patch up the guilt, though after a while the stress from being with 2 made me temporarily forget about 1.

When 2 and I broke up, I swore off relationships. Said I would only start dating again after I graduated high school, but only if I found someone I genuinely had feelings for. Yeah, that only lasted four months. But the relationship after that lasted for three.

And then, another while later, 1 and I got back together. Only this time, it was much, much different. I genuinely cared about him. When I smiled at him I smiled from the heart, and every "I love you" was as pure and true as the first.

I was always scared to say those words, after 2 left me. Because I didn't want to get my heart in as much of a bind as I did when I was with him. But hey, if you mean them, say them, right?

I realized this post is really fricken long, so I think I'll just shut up now.

Concept work. Edit 11/4/13

Starlight, Star bright
Is such things still exist tonight.
Though beaten down and losing sight,
don't let me die without a fight.

  Since she was twelve years old, young miss Julka Makkonen knew of the impending chaos in New Russia. While her parents refused to believe that their country of Finland being captured and renamed by Russia was part of a sinister plan, Julka knew all too well that this was only the beginning of what could very well be the next holocaust. Her prediction hits home, literally, when her family is slaughtered and she is taken away on her 17th birthday. With her will and pretty face the only things to save her, she must do everything in her power to get out alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonded By Death 
I am his freedom,
I am his wine.
I'm nearly broken,
yet that is just fine.
For if ever I was
to take my last breath,
my master would join me.
We're bonded by death.

A broken artist struggles to pick up the pieces of his life after a tragic fire, leaving him with only a Penny to his name: Penny Thorns, a simple peasant-girl-turned-servant whose masters(the artist's Aunt and Uncle) were killed in said fire. It isn't long before he sees beauty running in her veins, and does the unspeakable to turn her into a work of macabre art.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a doll. Nothing more. 
Not allowed to eat. 
Not allowed to speak. 
I simply sit there, limp and lonely,
waiting to be wound up.
By any chance do you have my key?

Model Elizabeth Dellacort has been the talk of the town and poster child for beauty since she was a child. Now in her thirties and with her boyfriend her agent, she starts to realize beauty means nothing if it is faked and abused, and so she leaves her agent in hope to find something-or someone-better. However, the hopes of models are only as stable as their frail frames, and for Elizabeth it isn't any different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dreamed of you again.
You held me close, smiled to my ear,
and told me we still had a chance.
I woke up laughing, because you're an asshole.
In real life, anyway.

To be thought of later. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soul Purpose
19 year old Jemma Anderson had everything: A supportive family, a great fiance, and the map to her dreams in her hands. However, all of that changed after an almost fatal car accident. She woke up months later in a new town as a whole new person.. literally. Now it is up to Ember Korchet to try and get through her life, and find out exactly who this Jemma girl is that she is always compared to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Venom
"..lust is not something mere soap can dissolve- lust is poison, a venom that stains the very part of the soul that is meant for love. It veils love, clones it, but makes is fiercer, colder. Love is a warm embrace, lust is the ice that chases warmth away. And if that's the case, I've never felt so frigid." 

Miles Phalen is a respectable, powerful king whose rule has been fruitful and pleasant. However, the loss of his beloved wife takes its toll after fifteen years, and the only one who can heal him is the very child who took her away and started his downward spiral. Can the king get over his unholy longing for his daughter, or will his kingdom crumble along with him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too Cold For Angels To Fly
 Synopsis to come later, why not just read the few chapters I wrote in 2013? =w=
~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Contract

 Based off of the anime/manga Black Butler, it is about a demon who summons a human for a contract, instead of the other way around. the first little scene- http://thepoetsplay.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-contract.html

Nova Kayne- Poem

Propped up in the corner
of virtue and sin,
only boots and a tie
adorn her pale skin
and as I walk past her
I cannot help but stare

and realize it's a mirror;

it's my body we share.

She is just an idea,
a personality bug
with the mind of a stripper,
the confidence of a thug

She puffs her cigarette smoke,
laughs in my face,
sticks it straight down my throat.
Says 'hey, have a taste.

I'm that girl you could be,
that life you'd hate to live,
but there's fun in this hell hole

of mine, if you give. So


Give in, give in.'
That's all that she says.
And though I am tempted,
I spend most of my days


trying to drown her out,

but I'm only waist deep.

It's so easy to swim when
there is nothing there to keep
her grounded, so I fear
if she ever got me high
I'd give the finger to the world
and say "Bye bitches, goodbye."

Sasha Leigh Awkward

That's the name of my character for the improv final. A socially awkward girl who really annoys just about everyone around her and doesn't have a place in the world or the scene. How is that any different from me, you ask? Well, it isn't.

I've always felt that way, especially in Improv. I have the acting ability of a kumquat, my cleverness kicks in AFTER the scene I perform, and apparently I'm a bit too childish to be respected by people who are 1-2 years younger. Yeah, the people who probably already had sex, smoke, and have drank at least if not more than once feel they're superior to the genuinely individual, sex/cigarette/alcohol-deprived teen who chooses to stay away from said three things. Even the other 2 seniors in the class act like my superior, and they're no more important than anyone else. Hell, we just did a show about EQUALITY. Apparently that didn't sink in.

Then again, are they really my equals? They're younger, immature, most got into more trouble in 2 years than I have in 18. They give me attitude, give themselves attitude. They bicker to the point of Nova wanting to take them and knock their heads together. The worse part? They are the most selfish and disrespectful lot of people I've dealt with since kindergarten. Which is saying something.

It just irks me, to see how the youth is today. To see that most of them just throw their lives away without  a care. If I was like that, I'd be dead already. They lack common sense- that part of the brain was replaced with pervertedness and alcohol. And while it's not all of the youth(10+) I see, but it's a huge chunk of them. Call me an old soul, but I believe in a little thing called abstinence, modesty, self-respect.. I could go on.

What happened to the people who cared about succeeding? Who are perfectly fine with being themselves, even if other people aren't? The people who want to find genuine love, not just the easiest lay? It is a dying breed. A breed that I fear will collapse in a few years.

Annoying

It's getting to the point where my noticing Nova is starting to really annoy and confuse me. She's been quiet for a few days, but now she's starting back up and when I talk to people, I don't know who is answering them: me or Nova. I mean, I guess there are obvious differentiations between us:


Someone doesn't feel well.
Me: "D8 Feel better! -hug-
Nova: I don't wanna hear your bitching, I've been sick for years.


Stressful day at work:
Me: Just need a mocha and I'll be back to normal.
Nova: Fuck mocha, give me a cigarette and a good time.


Someone gives me a nasty look:
Me: -smiles politely, then looks away-
Nova: -glares em dead in the eye, gives them the finger-

Hanging out with 1:

Me: -huggles tightly- I love you so much..
Nova: -sitting next to him, not looking at him or letting him hug me- {Damn, I'd much rather be with Hex.}
**Note: 'Hex' is the girl I had(have?) a crush on.

But sometimes, both sides of me collide. I don't know how to answer, who to take control, who the REAL me is at that time. I won't know how to respond,if I even want to, and usually I just get myself even more depressed. And most of the time Nova doesn't speak aloud- I try to hold her back as much as possible. Instead she complains in my head, and won't leave me alone, wanting me to say or do something.

And it wasn't just this year that she's been showing up.. Now that I remember, over the summer, she started to take over my actions. She made me flip off my mom once. She made me kiss a stalker when I was a sophomore. Just after 2 threw my heart into a flaming deathtrap and closed it shut. She made me become heartless when I talk to 2, and honestly, maybe even started to take over when I was with 3. But I can't tell. Can't remember. Don't want to remember. I want to forget everything she made me do, and kill her.

Heh, maybe that's why I was suicidal. Maybe I noticed Nova was here and she tempted me to kill myself, so that she would disappear. She's a clever little demon. I realize I can drown her out when I dance, I can keep her at bay when I blast Finnish Metal. I try to drown her in Finnish Metal, but I only get waist deep. And forget about listening to Jpop when she's around- God, it's like listening to nails on a chalkboard on repeat. Jpop REALLY Pisses her off.

I'm starting to get scared. For people around me. For 1. I'm terrified to lose him because of Nova. I'm scared that he won't be able to handle the both of us, that Nova will show her ugly face when I'm with him and say something to make one of us leave. I'm scared that if Nova ever does get a hold of a cig or beer or something, that it would essentially be saying 'Fuck you, have a nice life' to him. But it's getting hard to control her.

Maybe I should do everyone a favor and admit myself into a mental hospital.

Cigarette

I've never tried one. Always knew they were bad, kept choking just from the stench coming off of my parents. To the point where I would have to bring my inhaler and a shirt I can pull over my nose at all times when I was with them. I always looked down upon people who smoked, especially if they were people I once respected or if they were my age/younger. I don't associate myself with people who smoke, or try not to.

But lately, Nova's been sneaking her pre-addict thoughts into me. Since I walked into work this morning at 7, I craved a cigarette. And I'm sure it doesn't have much to do with the fact that I was filling the cigarettes at register all day, but rather what I was doing in  between  that- ringing up non-stopping lines, while screwing up orders and the register crapping out at me. If I was 19, I would have bought em or bummed one off of my boss. Even if it got back to my dad, I didn't care. I just wanted that suffocating feeling of coming closer to my death. A feeling I've been yearning for alot lately. Even last week I had these thoughts, only I was strong enough to knock em out of my head in only a few minutes back then. Now the thought's been nagging at me for over 12 hours.

Perhaps it's just stress bagged up? The fact that I really don't want to care anymore, that I just want to say 'I don't give a rat's ass if I let people down, if I'm missed then they're all stupid.'? Maybe because Nova's practically controlling half of my brain, and only half because she wants to see me be confused and fight her? Oh yes, that has something to do with it, I'm sure. But no matter what way you look at it, I'm crazy. Cracked. Beyond the point of saving.

I still haven't had that cigarette, and Nova's still craving it.

I wonder if people would love me less if I did cave in. If I'd lose a family, or a boyfriend. Friends. Or a future.

Do I even really have any of that?

Nova

She appears at the worst possible times. She controls my thoughts, teases me in her sexy voice. Tells me I need to stop being a 'whiny little chicken', 'grow some balls', and 'loosen up'. She has a trucker mouth and isn't afraid to use it, she likes to stick her middle finger to the world. Not too fond of looking extremely feminine or 'normal', she won't touch makeup, wants to gag when I say I feel pretty in a dress or when I smile with a light shade of lipstick on. She tends to take me wearing ties as an invitation to take over, and every sleep deprived moment I have I can hear her mocking laughter, her voice whispering 'Alright hun, time to party. Let me take control, show you what you're really thinking.'

She is Nova. And she is me.

The side of me I really regret, to be honest. I guess she's been around since 7th grade, only she wasn't really named and was stuffed under a rock for the most part while the real(?) me tried to act calm and polite, smile when I needed to, hyper more often than not. The real me was and is terrified of growing up, scared to speak her mind, knows when to shut up about certain things. The real me is scared of losing people, scared of losing my innocence. Nova's already lost it, and everyone around her. Nova is more of a woman(and, dare I say it, more of a man) than I'd ever be. She never shuts up and is usually complaining, or cursing, or both. Though both Nova and I are sober and clean and plan to stay that way, there will be times where Nova speaks to me. 'Give in, steal a cig. She won't even miss it.' 'You'd be so much more relaxed if you just got intoxicated, you know? One time won't hurt.' I feel like she's an addict waiting to happen, and I'm trying so hard for her not to happen to me.

Am I crazy? Probably rightly so. Considering I even talk to Nova on occasion. Speak aloud, she answers me in my thoughts. Always saying what I wouldn't, always teasing me and telling me I'm worthless, which I already know. It's funny, because while she might seem like the stronger me, she's weaker than the real me would ever be.

I just hope that she doesn't ever become the real me.

Senior Trip, Day of Silence,Dresses, Work, Language, Ponies, Jellybeans.

Here's a bit of a jumbled post, but I'll try to go in order. The next few days are senior trip, something I was kinda robbed of(wanted to go, didn't sign up because I thought I was going to Japan, it was canceled, too late to join the Disney hype). But because of that there will only be 2 people in my Japanese class, doing absolutely nothing in Physics, English and Discrete math, and so the only classes I really need to go to are Chorus and Improv. Chorus because the spring concert's coming up, and no one but a handful of people know what the hell they're doing. I am one of those people, so technically I could skip it, but I still want to make sure that I got everything down so that when the time comes I can shine at this concert. My last concert.. Scary to think. But the funny thing is, due to the theme being Broadway, the Senior Song this year is Finale B from Rent. In 6th grade, the year I actually started to really get into singing, we did that song(among others from Rent), and now I'm ending my school singing experience with that song. It's very symbolic for me yupyup.

So, while mom's puffing a bit of her life away and waiting to drive me in to school I decided to post this. o2o I think another reason why I have so much to say is becauseI can't speak it- not only are all the people I talk to on senior trip, but today is the national Day Of Silence. This day is a vow to not speak to bring attention to the silencing effect of bullying people for their sexuality. Being bicurious myself and having alot of friends who are homosexual or bisexual, I've always took part in this day of action. And though it will be difficult since the main classes I have to go to are singing and acting, plus I have a dress fitting,I'm going to try to the best of my ability to participate in this.

Oh yeah, dress fitting. Since I'm going to prom I was looking around at dresses. My mom wanted me to pick one out at a store/boutique, so I could have a 'casual prom dress', so I went to humor her. And surprizingly I found a very pretty lavender dress that looks really pretty. It was pretty cheap too, the dress and the shoes only costing a combined 85 bucks, but what's gonna kill my wallet is the alterations. Being a sample dress, they can't order another one and it's a bit too huge for me, so we have to do many alterations. So I have to do that today. I'm going to try and schedule a tux fitting for Jesse too, and see just how much one will cost. I wanna make sure I'll have enough money for everything.

My mom's been waiting for close to twenty minutes so I'll speed through everything else. Work is hectic, very challenging, my one friend who I share a sister with may be working there too. Though I don't think I have so far in this, my language has been set to trucker mouth. I curse way too much now, and it scares me. I don't even know why I do it. Season finale of ponies tomorrow, or atleast part 1 of it. So fricken excited.

Now this topic I don't want to skip over because it has another powerful meaning, so I'll probably just make a seperate post about it when I get home. Until then, stay sparkling and happy ramblings.

Snow

Is it sad that I want it to be winter again, a nice cold winter where snow falls? It's not just due to this heat, or anything holiday-related, or even the fact that I'll be out of school by then(god it's scary to say that.).

It's simply because of the emotions that go with snow. What I've realized over the years is that humans(and me) tend to act opposite the weather: If it's a very warm summer day, the heat turns their personalities cold and bitter. But with the cold, there is more love, peace, and people are more cheerful. The rain, being as it can be either cold or warm when it falls, has mixed personality ties. For me personally rain depresses me, and I never liked it.

Snow, on the other hand, is the most beautiful and spirit-lifting natural phenomenon on this earth. To see the delicate crystals fall, blanket the streets and trees with white, I can't help but smile and stare for a while. Once the storm subsides and the virgin snow remains untouched, sparkling in the night and almost as vibrantly as the stars, I feel like I am in a whole new world. A world of love, a world of beauty. And while some people look forward to shoveling snow for extra bucks, or making snow forts and snowmen, my one interest is on a clear, starry night laying in the snow, feeling the bitter chill and taking in the beauty of the sky and the snow around me.

I find it to be romantic, also. Some people say the most romantic thing is kissing in the rain, but kissing in the rain is for dramatic scenes with tears and sorrow. Kisses in the snow are truly romantic, as it feels like time stands still as the crystals slowly fall around the two of you. It brings out the already existing beauty of the other person. It brings out love.

So while most people are looking foward to a summer of tanning, the beach, heat, and carnivals, I'm just counting the days until I can lay in that winter dreamland once more.

Rambling.

Not sure where this ramble will go, so let's make the best of it, ne?

Heh, the first thing that popped in my head for this is actually when I would ramble to a certain person because they never answered my IMs. Who? Well, 2 of course. I would ramble about my day, what I ate, Hello!Project and anime,all because he never answered a 'Hallo mah friend, what's up?o2o' Or anything of the like. He never did reply after any of these, even though I tried to make them interactive by asking him a question or two during the ramble. Course that ended a loooong time ago, (around 2010, I think? ) And, to be honest, I can't remember speaking to him since.

OH WAIT. I lied, I did have a conversation with him after we both found someone else. And it was actually a decent, non-awkward, long conversation. That was the last time, I'm sure of it.

I don't even know where the hell this kid is anymore. I keep having random thoughts that he died. Is that bad? Well, I guess it would only be bad if I actually wanted the kid to die, but I don't. Every time I think about it, I realize I would probably be even worse off than I was saying goodbye to him as a friend. When that happened, my grades dropped, I wouldn't eat, and I just couldn't function. And then right after that I threw myself into every possible job and extracurricular protect(online and at school) that I could, which just wore me down even more. But if he died.. god, I wouldn't even be able to do that. I wouldn't be able to work, or sing, or hang out with people.. I would be completely 100 percent broken.

I was thinking of trying to visit the kid this summer, too, but I have so much going on that I don't have the time or the money to make a quick trip to TN. The trip would be closure and say goodbye for good(god, I'm talking about him as if he's already dead.) I mean, We haven't spoke for close to two years. Our friendship is not even a fragment of what it used to be.. And there's so many unanswered questions, on both of our ends. So if I could just go down there for like, a day, talk things over over coffee, then leave knowing exactly where we stand.. Okay, maybe it's a bit of selfish motivation. But eh.

There really isn't anything else to ramble about.. o2o I mean, I guess I could try and ramble about AnimeNEXT, or the crapload of TVA specials coming on this month, Or even how terrified I am of graduating or how hungry I am right now, but.. eh. =w=' I think I'll just go audio mix instead. Peace Meeps.

Even more of Venom:.

"Thank you."

Unspoken: For not raping me tonight.

I sigh, locking the door of my bathroom. Was I really going to do it? Was I really going to pluck the innocence from by beautiful daughrer? The thought makes me sob again, and I throw my clothes to the corner of the room, turn on the shower and let my tears mix with the water. She can probably hear me, if she's still in the room. I know she will never look at me the same way again, and I cannot blame her. If I looked in that mirror, I wouldn't see King Miles Phalen, a respected father and ruler of Kaarme. No, I would merely see a sick old man with hunger in his eyes, a man not worthy of a crown. Of a daughter. I sob harder at this, knowing how pathetic I sound. I shouldn't be alive if I am this new beast. I try to scrub this realization away, hoping my sin would wash away, scrubbing to the point of bruising my skin. Yet lust is not something mere soap can dissolve- lust is poison, a venom that stains the very part of the soul that is meant for love. It veils love, clones it, but makes is fiercer, colder. Love is a warm embrace, lust is the ice that chases warmth away. And if that's the case, I've never felt so frigid.

I let the droplets drip off of my body as I stand frozen in the shower, the water turned off. I finally swallow my tears and step out onto the marble floor. I don't dare look into the mirror as I dress into my robe, hoping that the regal silk would bring me back to my kingly manner. It starts to work, but then I open the door and again feel like the broken old monster. Ever had fallen fast asleep in my bed, fully clothed, completely surrounded by the covers and bejewled pillows. I quickly get dressed into my royal attire,then hesitate toward the bed and look down at that sleeping face. She is so innocent despite what had happened tonight, so peaceful. I can't help but smile, let a hand graze her cheek. Reluctantly I watch her eyes flutter open, pull my hand away. She stares silently up at me, no concrete emotion swimming in those eyes of hers. If only I knew what she was thinking. If only I knew how tonight affected her.. then again, that might tempt me to do it again. I cringe, and she notices. I watch Ever sit up, worry now in her eyes, yet we both still remain silent. I try to fish for words, yet what can I say? 'I'm sorry for almost taking you tonight, but you were just too irresistable'? I want to puke, know that I just might if I look at her any more. I turn to walk away, and when I'm almost at the door I hear her voice:

"Why?"

There are several things this could be asking. I stop in my tracks, refuse to look back. "Elaborate, child."

She hesitates."Why did.."she switches the question around. "What made you do what you did?" She's a smart girl, knows that this isn't right. She adds, "Forgive me, my king. Is it because of Mother's illness?"

Oh child, if you only knew who your real mother was. Though Lady Relle may have something to do with it, more than anything it has to do with my dearest Novalei's death.. I want to tell her the truth, yet that would be futile now. Too much heartbreak, for both of us, and so I simply reply with "Something of that nature, yes." and walk out of the room. Perhaps throwing myself into work will help me forget about tonight. I chance looking at a window, see the sparkle of the crown on tip of a stranger. This stranger is older, pitiful. And yet, he is my own person.

How long I have been this new man is uncertain, but one thing I know for sure is the old Miles is

never coming back.

Unorthodox Escapade, scene continued

First scene- http://thepoetsplay.blogspot.com/2011/10/unorthodox-escapadescene.html

~Same Night, around 11:30~

Escapade: -alone in the park, sitting on the swing. Blasting the song 'I Want My Tears Back' by Nightwish on her iPod-

Xerox: -sees her, heart quickens. Walks behind her, her jacket in his arms. drapes it over her-

Escapade: -pauses iPod- You would follow me,sis. -tilts head upside-down, sees it's Xerox- ! -almost falls off the swing-

Xerox: Whoah there! -catches her, sits her back up- You okay?

Escapade: I'm not talking to you. ><

Xerox: -smirk- You just did, Cap. -sits on the swing next to her, awkward silence- ..I wanted to apologize.

Escapade: -sarcastic laugh- Oh really? Too late Bubs. I'm not going to listen. -plugs ears, goes 'lalalala' as he tries to speak-

Xerox: -irritated, stands up, grabs her jacket- Fine then. You're not getting this back.


Escapade: Hey! -jumps off swing, tries to grab it-

Xerox: -teasing grin, holds it above his head- Nope.

Escapade: -kicks him in the shin, grabs the jacket- Bastard!

Xerox: -cringes, hopping up and down holding his shin- Damn it Cappy, what's wrong with you?

Escapade: Me? You dare ask what's wrong with ME?! -crying- Let's see, I gave my entire heart to a total jerk who doesn't appreciate me and said person pisses me off so much that I don't want to love him!

Xerox: -hurt expression- Escapade.. You really think I don't appreciate you? That I don't care about you? If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have known where you were. Doxie didn't tell me anything, I knew where you would be.

Escapade: -sniffles- N-not good enough. -turns away from him, crosses arms-

Xerox: Please.. -walks up to her, but behind her. Runs a hand through her hair- Just let me talk to you. We can go back to my house if you want.

Escapade: Your family's at home, ne? You don't want to show them your dirty little secret.. -still refuses to look at him-

Xerox: You're right, I don't. -turns her around gently, looks her dead in the eye- I want them to meet the love of my life.Whether they like it or not.

Escapade: -eyes widen- Xero..

Xerox:  I mean it this time. I want everyone to know how amazing you are and how much I love you.

Escapade: -smiles, buries her face into his chest, hugs him tight-

Xerox: -laughs- Careful there Cap, ya might just knock me over. -kisses her forehead- I'm sure Doxie, and my parents, won't mind you staying at my place for an hour or so. It is a Friday after all.

Escapade: Well, let's go then! ^^~ -grabs his hand, starts running-

Xerox: -smiles-{That's my girl.}

Alternate Ending to the Venom scene:

"I know, my dearest daughter, and I cannot describe how sorry I feel." My bruised lip trembles. "Yet your silence, your lack of reaction, is not making this any easier!" Anger surges through me, enough to extract a yelp from her. I cringe and smile almost exactly the same time, bringing fear to her eyes. "That's right, my child.. My love.." I start to sob again, uncontrollably. "Whimper. Scream. Curse me off, fight back, hell, even enjoy it if you so wish! I don't care what or how you react by, but please, PLEASE, let me have this one night. And please don't be an unreadable stone.." I cannot look her in the eyes, I'm so ashamed, broken. This state lasts for close to five minutes when, ever so softly, my angel speaks.
   "Miles.." The fear in her voice is overwhelming, and I cannot help but to look up at her. With the saddest smile she could muster, she lifts her face, closer, and as she kisses me a stray tear falls from her eye. With that one tear all of my reluctance, my doubts, and any possible pity was washed away, and a smile stains my face. Her kisses are sweet, soft, and though they are obviously forced, they are Novalei's, only not. It's so difficult for my lonely mind and body to tell the difference..

    I am slow, gentle as I lift her up from the bed into my lap, and the kisses intensify. She accepts my tongue, my touch, my love. Hell, she even plays along, her tongue shyly dancing with my own. Her eyes are closed and I can only wonder what she's envisioning, what she is feeling.Whatever it is, she likes it, and lets out a soft sigh of protest as I let my lips travel away from her own. Letting out a small chuckle I start to kiss lower, down her neck. She obliges by tilting her head up, and her arms loosely snake around me. "Good girl.." I breathe into her skin, making the both of us shudder, and start to kiss even lower. This is so right, so deliciously perfect.. And I know I'm going straight into the depths of hell once I breathe my last breath. I don't dare think of it, or of any thoughts that would ruin this perfect scene playing out before me. I reach my arms around her and silently untie her corseted gown, and I can feel her stiffen in fear. I reassure her with a kiss on the lips, smooth out her hair with my other hand. It isn't long before her gown slips off and my hands drift over the curves of her body. She is well endowed for a fifteen year old. She must have gotten that from her mother. Her mother..

    Suddenly I am not in my bed, but the Blacksmith shed behind my dearest Novalei's home. We are laughing, sitting side-by-side in the corner of the shed. All of a sudden her smile fades, and she abruptly exits. I follow her and catch her just in time to move her hair out of her face before she heaves at the ground, any food in her system spewing out. "My sweetest Novalei, are you alright?"I rub her back, wait for her to finish. I can see tears drop from her eyes to the soiled ground, which makes me worry even more. "Shall I get your father?"

   "No!" It sounds painful, fearful, and oddly similar to Ever's. I gently turn her face to meet mine, look at her weak features. Her eyes escape my gaze, which breaks my heart.Her voice is her own again as she speaks, "Please forgive me, my prince.. I fear that.. that I may be.." She doesn't even have to finish her statement for me to know.

    Pregnant. With Ever.The young woman I'm about to bed, right now. Right in the bed I shared with Novalei on the night she was conceived. Guilt churns in my stomach, threatens to come up. My eyes open, and I realize what I am currently doing. Her undergarments are pulled down, breasts exposed, my lips around one of them. I don't have to look up to know she's letting silent tears fall. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach; How could I have let myself go this far? How could she let myself go this far? I back away immediately, turn away. I hear the sheets rustle and only assume she's hiding her exposed body with them. I want to run right into enemy fire, slam my body against a wall until I cannot remember anything. And her.. my angel, my daughter, my Everlasting Love.. I wanted to take back this night, make sure she never lived it. I stand and start to walk to the bathroom inside my chamber. "Put your clothes back on, child. I'm done with you." My voice is uneasy, anguished. But I can feel the relief radiating off of her, and before I close the bathroom door, I hear her tiny voice.

"Thank you."

Rain (and other Ramblings)

I never liked it. Never felt happy on a day that it rained, as the gloominess outside would seep right into my veins and wither me down until the sun shines again. Today isn't much different. While I did smile quite a bit today, something just feels off.

I realize whenever it rains, I have more trouble breathing too. Paranoia kicks in, and I start to worry about people. Maybe a bit too much. But, being the odd little creature I am, I can't show my worry. I smiled my way though a five hour work shift, through chest pains and headaches and thinking about adding to the Venom scene I posted before this. But that smile's no longer sustainable, looking out the dreary window. I should go to sleep, try to get rid of the oncoming depression. But I know It'll come even closer if I try to crawl into bed and close my eyes. Why?

I miss 1 too much. I haven't seen him for what feels like a month, though I'm pretty sure it hasn't been that long. Still, it irritates me that we won't be able to hang out for a few more weeks, due to my being busy and his lack of money. I just want to hug him, cuddle up next to him, conversations and other things sprinkled in between. I want to tell him I love him aloud, hear him say it too. Just thinking about it makes me wish we lived closer, or that I wasn't such a chicken and learned to drive.

I also want to see him so we can plan about Prom. There were so many signs that we had to go, but two of them sealed our fate.

One: In the Disney movie 'Prom', The main characters are Nova(my nickname) and 1's name.

Two: At a gift auction last night, I won two prom bids for Senior Prom 2012, which meant the both of us could go together for cheap(because it's not free when you consider the dress, tux, limo, etc)

I didn't want to go this year due to cost and personal reasons, but once I won those tickets I was so happy, and 1 was also excited. I think I can put my other reasons aside now, and I'm sure we'll have fun. ^^

Yeah, I have no idea where this is going anymore, so I'll shut up now. 8D''

A scene from Venom, not for the weak of heart. Critique appreciated.

    She runs into my arms, buries her face into my shirt. Her sobs crash into me like a wave breaking over the jetty. My dearest daughter is crumbling, and I'm nearly cracked as well, as a person who is glad that their child is sobbing on their chest cannot be whole. Calden, her good tutor, should have lived through such an accidental stab, yet it was the monster in me who rose my arm to strike twice. He was after my Ever, and I could not have that.. Any guilt that I had felt was swept with the tide as I held her close, stroking her hair and feeling her sobs weaken. "Shh, my child..All will be well. He would not wish to see you so upset." I lift a hand to gently wipe away her tears and make her eyes meet mine. Such beautiful emerald orbs hold all of the love in the world, and yet I feel anger boil inside me because I know that this love was not meant for me, and never would be. She was not my wife, and it was completely wrong for me to even think that somehow those eyes would look at me with that love, that desire, just like Novalei's all those years ago. Even so, those eyes are still breathtaking and tempt me to believe otherwise.
      She turns her head away in shame, and I cannot help but smile, stroking her hair. "Why did this happen, my king?" I could sense my need intensify at the sound of her silky but disheartened voice, yet controlled myself. {You cannot give in. You cannot hurt her any more than you did. You killed her lo...} I couldn't even think the word without shades of green prickling my skin. He was not worthy of her love. Only I am, and she should only be loved by me. By me..
     I choke down those thoughts and try to conjure up an answer for her. "Perhaps.." I have to think, and use this time to smooth out her soft locks, almost shuddering from pleasure as she innocently rests her head in the crook of my neck."His love was not strong enough to fight the clutches of Death. Such a tragedy, really it is, my dearest Ever." I kiss her forehead, she looks up at me. Those damn tears flow down her face, making her look absolutely irresistible. Still fighting my inner demons, I kiss the tears away, letting the sweet salt linger on my lips. I want more. Need more. My demons are winning, and I'm so tempted to give in.  Then, as a slap to get out of it and to stop her tears, I add, "It was obvious he loved you very much, and whomever the murderer might be shall not go unpunished. Will that please you?"
    She merely nods, avoiding my eyes again. She sighs, finally stopping her tears, letting only her beating heart make a sound in this room. The bed is silent, the walls are silent, we are silent. In my mind two different voices yell at me. {God, she's too perfect, too ripe, and all yours. Take a deep bite.. So what if you are a king, a father, a husband?} Fighting back are these thoughts- {She is only alive thanks to your departed Novalei. It would break her heart, and damage your Everlasting if you do so much as touch her.} {Even the Everlasting start to crumble..} If her current state failed to show that, I don't know what would have. I bite my lip, and draw blood when those helpless, innocent eyes look back at me. She notices my wincing, and lifts her face to mine.
   "My king, are you alright?"
   I can't control myself any longer, and at that moment I place a firm but soft hand on her cheek, close in on those beautiful lips, and kiss her. Softly, only lasting a few short seconds. The devil in me wanted more, the father in me backed away to meet those emerald stones with my own, seeing well deserved confusion and fear. She chokes out a single word in a course whisper- "Father..?" Her voice sends me off the edge and I plummet deeper into those lips, still soft. Loving. Gentile. She does not blink, does not move, does not dare kiss back or pull away. I let my hands start to wander, push her down on the bed while my lips still keep their softness. Still no reaction, and that frustrates me. My kisses get rougher,and not even a whimper is extracted from her throat, those eyes emotionless and looking past me, through me. Unconsciously I start to sob, pin her down to the point of almost snapping those frail little wrists, begging for some kind of reaction. I let my lips part from hers.
      "Please, child, react! Say anything, curse my name, tell me something! Move as if you were alive, not some sort of puppet!" My words are full sobs now, and I bury my face into her neck, letting the tears stain her light blue dress. Never have I felt so week, vulnerable. Never have I felt so heavy underneath a crown, to the point of sinking to the lowest pit of hell and bringing my Everlasting Love, my daughter, down with me. "Please.. Speak, Ever.."
     Her voice is barely audible at first, yet grows stronger. "I'm.. afraid, my king. Not just for myself, b-but.." Tears threaten her eyes, yet stay away. "I'm terrified for you. This isn't the father I know.. the king I've come to respect. It scares me, sir." Her trembling voice is a match to her body, and atthe last word I feel the worst stab of guilt. I am not that King anymore, the fatherly King Miles who had taken care of both a child and a kingdom for fifteen years. No,  I am someone different. Demonic. Crazy for the affection of the one person who I was bound to protect, the one person who the Almighty would strike me down for harming. Insane because, while the old ghost still begs me to let her be, I stick my middle finger to the Lord and don't fight off my desire.
     I have to speak. "I know, my dearest daughter, and I cannot describe how sorry I feel." My bruised lip trembles. "Yet your silence, your lack of reaction, is not making this any easier!" Anger surges through me, enough to extract a yelp from her. I cringe and smile almost exactly the same time, bringing fear to her eyes. "That's right, my child.. My love.." I start to sob again, uncontrollably. "Whimper. Scream. Curse me off, fight back, hell, even enjoy it if you so wish! I don't care what or how you react by, but please, PLEASE, let me have this one night. And please don't be an unreadable stone.." I cannot look her in the eyes, I'm so ashamed, broken. This state lasts for close to five minutes when, ever so softly, my angel speaks.
   "Miles.." The fear in her voice is overwhelming, and I cannot help but to look up at her. With the saddest smile she could muster, she lifts her face, closer, and as she kisses me a stray tear falls from her eye. With that one tear all of my reluctance, my doubts, and any possible pity was washed away, and a smile stains my face. Her kisses are sweet, soft. She accepts my tongue, my touch, my love, and I feel like more of a King than I have ever been. I am a man that had stole the crown from the former Miles.

How long I have been this new man is uncertain, but one thing I know for sure is the old Miles is

never coming back.