I've never tried one. Always knew they were bad, kept choking just from the stench coming off of my parents. To the point where I would have to bring my inhaler and a shirt I can pull over my nose at all times when I was with them. I always looked down upon people who smoked, especially if they were people I once respected or if they were my age/younger. I don't associate myself with people who smoke, or try not to.
But lately, Nova's been sneaking her pre-addict thoughts into me. Since I walked into work this morning at 7, I craved a cigarette. And I'm sure it doesn't have much to do with the fact that I was filling the cigarettes at register all day, but rather what I was doing in between that- ringing up non-stopping lines, while screwing up orders and the register crapping out at me. If I was 19, I would have bought em or bummed one off of my boss. Even if it got back to my dad, I didn't care. I just wanted that suffocating feeling of coming closer to my death. A feeling I've been yearning for alot lately. Even last week I had these thoughts, only I was strong enough to knock em out of my head in only a few minutes back then. Now the thought's been nagging at me for over 12 hours.
Perhaps it's just stress bagged up? The fact that I really don't want to care anymore, that I just want to say 'I don't give a rat's ass if I let people down, if I'm missed then they're all stupid.'? Maybe because Nova's practically controlling half of my brain, and only half because she wants to see me be confused and fight her? Oh yes, that has something to do with it, I'm sure. But no matter what way you look at it, I'm crazy. Cracked. Beyond the point of saving.
I still haven't had that cigarette, and Nova's still craving it.
I wonder if people would love me less if I did cave in. If I'd lose a family, or a boyfriend. Friends. Or a future.
Do I even really have any of that?
I actually had a similar feeling last semester. A friend of mine here (though he actually didn't return for this semester) smoked a fair amount. That, coupled with stress and stuff, made me really want to try. So I actually did. I went out and bought a pack and gave it a shot. And it sucked. It tasted awful (and the taste stayed with me for, like, the rest of the day), it smelled like crap, it was uncomfortable going down, and no part of the experience was good. I ended up smoking, like, a third (at most) of that first cigarette, then gave the rest of the pack to my friend. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and isn't one I intend to have again (though I do still occasionally have the desire to try again, and who knows? I might give it another shot eventually), but I certainly wouldn't think less of anyone for doing it. Honestly, I don't see how a true friend could seriously judge a friend for something like that. Everyone's entitled to their own choices, so long as they don't interfere with others. Though, personally, I'd recommend a cheaper, less deadly addiction.
ReplyDelete-nodnod- I'm probably not going to cave in, just because I really don't have a way of getting a cigarette. Kinda ironic since both my parents smoke, but they'd notice one missing. Also the me that isn't Nova is too much of a goody-goody to actually try.
DeleteI think I'll stick to drowning myself in Finnish Metal and Ponies. For now, atleast. Thank you my friend.
Probably for the best. Like I said, it kind of sucks. That's why I didn't continue. I'd advise against it, but I certainly wouldn't impose on your life with that advice, even if I were in a position to do so.
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