Nova

She appears at the worst possible times. She controls my thoughts, teases me in her sexy voice. Tells me I need to stop being a 'whiny little chicken', 'grow some balls', and 'loosen up'. She has a trucker mouth and isn't afraid to use it, she likes to stick her middle finger to the world. Not too fond of looking extremely feminine or 'normal', she won't touch makeup, wants to gag when I say I feel pretty in a dress or when I smile with a light shade of lipstick on. She tends to take me wearing ties as an invitation to take over, and every sleep deprived moment I have I can hear her mocking laughter, her voice whispering 'Alright hun, time to party. Let me take control, show you what you're really thinking.'

She is Nova. And she is me.

The side of me I really regret, to be honest. I guess she's been around since 7th grade, only she wasn't really named and was stuffed under a rock for the most part while the real(?) me tried to act calm and polite, smile when I needed to, hyper more often than not. The real me was and is terrified of growing up, scared to speak her mind, knows when to shut up about certain things. The real me is scared of losing people, scared of losing my innocence. Nova's already lost it, and everyone around her. Nova is more of a woman(and, dare I say it, more of a man) than I'd ever be. She never shuts up and is usually complaining, or cursing, or both. Though both Nova and I are sober and clean and plan to stay that way, there will be times where Nova speaks to me. 'Give in, steal a cig. She won't even miss it.' 'You'd be so much more relaxed if you just got intoxicated, you know? One time won't hurt.' I feel like she's an addict waiting to happen, and I'm trying so hard for her not to happen to me.

Am I crazy? Probably rightly so. Considering I even talk to Nova on occasion. Speak aloud, she answers me in my thoughts. Always saying what I wouldn't, always teasing me and telling me I'm worthless, which I already know. It's funny, because while she might seem like the stronger me, she's weaker than the real me would ever be.

I just hope that she doesn't ever become the real me.