Note, started around 10 PM last night, but I practically passed out mid-writing.
1 having just left, I started to think about how much I miss him already, and how the next time we can be together will not be soon enough.
It's funny, because I think back to the very first time we dated, and realized that I never felt this way about him until we were older. I'd like to believe it's from me growing up and knowing what love is, rather than my mind just thinking this because all of my relationships in the past pretty much blew up in my face.
Sure, I still have some burns and scars from past relationships. But I highly doubt that they've scarred me so much that I have to conjure up the feeling of love instead of naturally feeling it. They actually, for the first few months after each one ended, closed my heart off and made me more bitter, until I could get over it. And every time I was in a relationship, sparing the very first one, I genuinely loved them.
My heart is big enough to accept all love, and it is possible to love, or even be in love, with more than one person. Yet that is what makes love a dramatic, depressing emotion. Now, the scenario below is 99.9 percent hypothetical.
If, say, I was still in love with 2 while I was dating someone else, but I loved said someone else as well, I wouldn't know what to do. It wouldn't be right to date one while he wasn't the only one I loved, and it would confuse the heart even more. Even if there is no chance of getting with 2, I would still feel guilty for thinking and caring about him as if he was still more than a friend. And you could switch the first sentence around to mean anyone that I've dated, and it would have the same general result- confusion and heartbreak.
I still remember how I felt when I had to break it off with 1 to be with 2, all those years ago. I honestly believe I was in love with 2. 1 Was, kinda sad to say, a 'test boyfriend' at the time? I mean, we went on dates, kissed a tiny bit, hung out every day after school, but it felt more like a really good friendship than a relationship. I was 15 then, though, so I didn't really know what a relationship was supposed to be like(and that a genuine relationship was pretty much what I had with 1.) . But I felt absolutely crushed when I said goodbye to him. All of the love I had for 2 could not patch up the guilt, though after a while the stress from being with 2 made me temporarily forget about 1.
When 2 and I broke up, I swore off relationships. Said I would only start dating again after I graduated high school, but only if I found someone I genuinely had feelings for. Yeah, that only lasted four months. But the relationship after that lasted for three.
And then, another while later, 1 and I got back together. Only this time, it was much, much different. I genuinely cared about him. When I smiled at him I smiled from the heart, and every "I love you" was as pure and true as the first.
I was always scared to say those words, after 2 left me. Because I didn't want to get my heart in as much of a bind as I did when I was with him. But hey, if you mean them, say them, right?
I realized this post is really fricken long, so I think I'll just shut up now.
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