Annoying

It's getting to the point where my noticing Nova is starting to really annoy and confuse me. She's been quiet for a few days, but now she's starting back up and when I talk to people, I don't know who is answering them: me or Nova. I mean, I guess there are obvious differentiations between us:


Someone doesn't feel well.
Me: "D8 Feel better! -hug-
Nova: I don't wanna hear your bitching, I've been sick for years.


Stressful day at work:
Me: Just need a mocha and I'll be back to normal.
Nova: Fuck mocha, give me a cigarette and a good time.


Someone gives me a nasty look:
Me: -smiles politely, then looks away-
Nova: -glares em dead in the eye, gives them the finger-

Hanging out with 1:

Me: -huggles tightly- I love you so much..
Nova: -sitting next to him, not looking at him or letting him hug me- {Damn, I'd much rather be with Hex.}
**Note: 'Hex' is the girl I had(have?) a crush on.

But sometimes, both sides of me collide. I don't know how to answer, who to take control, who the REAL me is at that time. I won't know how to respond,if I even want to, and usually I just get myself even more depressed. And most of the time Nova doesn't speak aloud- I try to hold her back as much as possible. Instead she complains in my head, and won't leave me alone, wanting me to say or do something.

And it wasn't just this year that she's been showing up.. Now that I remember, over the summer, she started to take over my actions. She made me flip off my mom once. She made me kiss a stalker when I was a sophomore. Just after 2 threw my heart into a flaming deathtrap and closed it shut. She made me become heartless when I talk to 2, and honestly, maybe even started to take over when I was with 3. But I can't tell. Can't remember. Don't want to remember. I want to forget everything she made me do, and kill her.

Heh, maybe that's why I was suicidal. Maybe I noticed Nova was here and she tempted me to kill myself, so that she would disappear. She's a clever little demon. I realize I can drown her out when I dance, I can keep her at bay when I blast Finnish Metal. I try to drown her in Finnish Metal, but I only get waist deep. And forget about listening to Jpop when she's around- God, it's like listening to nails on a chalkboard on repeat. Jpop REALLY Pisses her off.

I'm starting to get scared. For people around me. For 1. I'm terrified to lose him because of Nova. I'm scared that he won't be able to handle the both of us, that Nova will show her ugly face when I'm with him and say something to make one of us leave. I'm scared that if Nova ever does get a hold of a cig or beer or something, that it would essentially be saying 'Fuck you, have a nice life' to him. But it's getting hard to control her.

Maybe I should do everyone a favor and admit myself into a mental hospital.