Pain

Another sleepless night.
Too much on my mind,
too much depression.
The craving ceased,
for cigarettes and food at least.
Now.. pain? What the hell?

I mean, sure. I have these feelings
when I'm so angry I just want to feel pain,
stab myself, start biting again.
Even if I did bite, it wouldn't be the same.
 I've bitten so many times that the wrist
no longer feels the pain I need.
I used to be able to get my knee cap,
but I can't stretch that far any more.

It pisses me off.
How vulnerable I am.
How strong I try to be.
How the only people who understand
aren't the one's I want to hear from.
How hearing from the others
piss me off, because they
blow me off like I mean nothing.

I want to bite even more.
Be bitten even more.
I used to roleplay sadistically
so I wouldn't have to result to real pain.
If I did that now, even if it's OCs,
I would feel like I'm cheating.
Plus, it lost it's luster after dating 2.

Not just the sadism, but cybering in general.
Roleplaying in general.
Because he was the only one I wanted
to do those things with.

I know I can't depend on him.
I know he wouldn't do it anymore.
But damn it, when I get like this,
I can't help but crave it.
No matter how much I now detest it,
no matter how much I love 1.

1 doesn't understand my pain,
or lackthere of. I send a cry of help,
he merely says he doesn't know what to say.
I'm DYING. The least you could do
is try and comfort. Try and understand.
Don't make me feel worse.
Lonely.
Lonely..