Open(Ramble)

I feel that now that I have shared my blog with the handful of people I can trust, I am more open about myself. Though truth be told I have only really spoken to two people since the big reveal(as in, like, actual conversations, not simple 2-message convos, I've been more honest. With myself, too. I feel like I'm starting to gain my fearlessness and hope back. Two days after I revealed my blog and spoke to a certain someone, I felt happier. I actually smiled for 5 hours on register(which barely happens anymore because people are assholes =w=') , I was more passionate when I spoke to 1, and I felt like nothing could get me down. My cravings ceased, for cigarettes and pain. Sure it didn't last too long thanks to my hormones, but I'm sure when my monthly demon leaves me I'll regain that lovely feeling of finally being, well.. happy.

True happiness is something you can only get after accepting everything in your life. Before finally getting closure, I would fake happiness by working myself to the point where I would forget my life rather than accept it. Hell, there were days I could barely remember what I ate that day, let alone things that happened weeks or months ago. I've heard lack of memory can also be caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. When I try to remember something I get a headache, or have trouble breathing, so perhaps that's the case. I still have a memory problem after closure, but if I do remember something, I look back on it with a new insight.

Closure.. it's funny, I've been seeking this for close to four years. Even after moving on in my life and getting somewhere with it, I still had doubts. I was still not happy. Blame in on my cowardliness, or doubt that I would get the answers I sought, I could not get myself to confront them until I decided to present my blog to a handful of people. Questions were asked and answered. Though bittersweet, they gave me hope. Happiness. And exactly what I needed.

I can finally accept where I am, what I want to do with my life. And I can finally express it to the two people who matter the most.