There's always that one simple thing that changes your outlook completely.
For me, it was the closest thing to a fight that I've had with him. Only two sentences.
And one word I refuse to repeat.The word makes me cringe, and the fact that it was used against me..
"If you call me that again I'm leaving."
I meant it. And right after, I cried. And cried. And cried. I've never sobbed so hard. He tried to console me, almost getting teary-eyed as well.
And then, one by one, all of my fears kept spewing out from my mouth.
"I'm no good for you."
"I don't want to drive you away."
"You don't deserve being treated like this."
"I'm sorry.."
I couldn't get through work without crying, no matter how hard I tried. Even now I'm still shaken.
Just a simple word made me terrified that our relationship was over. A single insult. A true insult. My fault. My fault. My fault.
I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. I try to keep on a fake smile for work, for peers, for him. I need to make him believe that I forgive him.Make him believe everything's alright.
But I know it isn't.
I don't think it will be.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Too Cold For Angels to Fly Chapter Five
We're in our old apartment, Angel and I. Playing a silly game of Batman-themed Trouble that we bought at a dollar store, and enjoying our ice cream sundaes. Her face is full of life, her eyes sparkling behind her thick-framed glasses. Her hair is pixie short, and she's wearing my class ring as a necklace. A school couple's traditional sign of commitment, yes, but she never asked for anything more, and I never thought about it. School first, family later; That was my way of thinking.
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. She's asking for something. They argue for a bit, but then he sighs a defeated sigh and hands her a wad of cash. She smiles, kisses him, then throws the money into her messenger bag. I can't close my eyes as I watch him do things to her that only I should've done. My blood is boiling as he tears her bra and panties clean off, sucking at her neck as they position themselves on the bed. I look at her face. She looks like she's enjoying it, but I see deeper. She's terrified. She doesn't want him to continue. He's too rough, too thirsty for her, too drunk. I watch the entire X rated scene, tears streaming down my face. "Make it stop." I say again. It turns into a yell to block out her moaning and his grunting. "Make it STOP!"
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. Despite everything, I smile. She raises an eyebrow at me.
"It's nothing." I wave it off, and she smirks as if to say 'liar'. She still knows me too well. With a yawn she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I laugh again. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. She's asking for something. They argue for a bit, but then he sighs a defeated sigh and hands her a wad of cash. She smiles, kisses him, then throws the money into her messenger bag. I can't close my eyes as I watch him do things to her that only I should've done. My blood is boiling as he tears her bra and panties clean off, sucking at her neck as they position themselves on the bed. I look at her face. She looks like she's enjoying it, but I see deeper. She's terrified. She doesn't want him to continue. He's too rough, too thirsty for her, too drunk. I watch the entire X rated scene, tears streaming down my face. "Make it stop." I say again. It turns into a yell to block out her moaning and his grunting. "Make it STOP!"
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. Despite everything, I smile. She raises an eyebrow at me.
"It's nothing." I wave it off, and she smirks as if to say 'liar'. She still knows me too well. With a yawn she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I laugh again. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
Friday, June 28, 2013
I love him.
I did what I always do, look back at old messages and notes I sent on old sites back when I was still in High School. Only this time, it was different.
Instead of looking at the chatplays between LS and I, I read all of the messages Love and I have shared. They still make me smile to this day, even more so than before. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize what we had sooner. That I gave him up so easily back then.
If I didn't, maybe I never would have realized how much he means to me. We never would've gotten this far, never would have moved in together. Maybe it still would have ended the same way. It doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is knowing how much I meant to him back then, and how that really didn't change. How fate found us, made us innocent lovers, brought someone else into the mix to change that, but made sure that somehow, someway, we found a way back into eachother's hearts, eachother's arms. I can't imagine leaving him. Can't imagine anything tearing us apart, no matter how crazy life is right now.
The fact that, as of July 10th, we will be celebrating our 2nd year still surprises me. Technically it's even longer than that. Technically, we've been emotionally together since we first started dating in 08(Even if I was too foolish to realize it back then.) It's so different, and yet, it's not.
In our first go, it started and ended on DeviantART. We were still kids, so we were more of the sappy cute innocent romantics. We never discussed intimacy or cybered, the extent was making out in real life and using the 'smooch' and 'hug' emoticons online. We barely hung out due to driving restrictions and school. I mean, more often than not we would spend time together outside of the school with our friends, and we went on groupdates with friends and my mom(being our chauffeur). On the days when we did hang out at my house, it was all innocent. Video games, him playing his guitar for me, cuddling on the floor. The making out only occured the last few times we hung out before the break up, but even then, it was practically minimal. No heavy touching. I don't even remember if we used tongue or not. The intimacy didn't matter to me back then. I honestly think I was still too scared to even want to think about it in real life.
So, like any horny confused teenager, I confided in cybering. But I'm pretty sure you all have read this in previous entries(Hah, like anyone will actually read this let alone my other posts.) That intimacy with my cybermate ended up taking it's toll on my real life relationship. Started confusing the lust for love. So we broke up. I shattered the poor kid's heart and I'm pretty sure something inside me died that night as well.
So, when we rekindled our love, it was the same, only different. We were older, so intimacy increased. Slowly, but it increased. He was the only one I wanted. Is the only one I want. We started going on more frequent dates, now that I had a job and money and my mom didn't mind driving us around. We'd spend hours cuddled next to eachother on the bed, just talking, and it was great. Simple. Still is. We took our relationship slow enough that we wouldn't end up crumbling again. We were in love. Are in love. Again, it's simple. Sweet. Perfect. Fate.
We've had a few arguments since we've moved in together about a month ago. Stress, not from us necessarily being together, but from the family in general. From home sickness, bitterness, my period. =w=' But we got through the trivial stuff. Nothing serious has came up, yet, but I'm sure we'll be alright if it does.
We've talked about our future already. Finding ourselves a place, maybe adopting a child, definitely having more pets. Maybe getting married, you never know, but not having a fancy wedding or any real celebration at all. Or something cute like getting engaged, having an engagement party, and then just staying engaged the rest of our lives. =w= But whatever would happen, it would be us. Him and I, together, until the end. I truly believe this, as does he.
And I smile upon our second year, and hold it close to my heart.
Instead of looking at the chatplays between LS and I, I read all of the messages Love and I have shared. They still make me smile to this day, even more so than before. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize what we had sooner. That I gave him up so easily back then.
If I didn't, maybe I never would have realized how much he means to me. We never would've gotten this far, never would have moved in together. Maybe it still would have ended the same way. It doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is knowing how much I meant to him back then, and how that really didn't change. How fate found us, made us innocent lovers, brought someone else into the mix to change that, but made sure that somehow, someway, we found a way back into eachother's hearts, eachother's arms. I can't imagine leaving him. Can't imagine anything tearing us apart, no matter how crazy life is right now.
The fact that, as of July 10th, we will be celebrating our 2nd year still surprises me. Technically it's even longer than that. Technically, we've been emotionally together since we first started dating in 08(Even if I was too foolish to realize it back then.) It's so different, and yet, it's not.
In our first go, it started and ended on DeviantART. We were still kids, so we were more of the sappy cute innocent romantics. We never discussed intimacy or cybered, the extent was making out in real life and using the 'smooch' and 'hug' emoticons online. We barely hung out due to driving restrictions and school. I mean, more often than not we would spend time together outside of the school with our friends, and we went on groupdates with friends and my mom(being our chauffeur). On the days when we did hang out at my house, it was all innocent. Video games, him playing his guitar for me, cuddling on the floor. The making out only occured the last few times we hung out before the break up, but even then, it was practically minimal. No heavy touching. I don't even remember if we used tongue or not. The intimacy didn't matter to me back then. I honestly think I was still too scared to even want to think about it in real life.
So, like any horny confused teenager, I confided in cybering. But I'm pretty sure you all have read this in previous entries(Hah, like anyone will actually read this let alone my other posts.) That intimacy with my cybermate ended up taking it's toll on my real life relationship. Started confusing the lust for love. So we broke up. I shattered the poor kid's heart and I'm pretty sure something inside me died that night as well.
So, when we rekindled our love, it was the same, only different. We were older, so intimacy increased. Slowly, but it increased. He was the only one I wanted. Is the only one I want. We started going on more frequent dates, now that I had a job and money and my mom didn't mind driving us around. We'd spend hours cuddled next to eachother on the bed, just talking, and it was great. Simple. Still is. We took our relationship slow enough that we wouldn't end up crumbling again. We were in love. Are in love. Again, it's simple. Sweet. Perfect. Fate.
We've had a few arguments since we've moved in together about a month ago. Stress, not from us necessarily being together, but from the family in general. From home sickness, bitterness, my period. =w=' But we got through the trivial stuff. Nothing serious has came up, yet, but I'm sure we'll be alright if it does.
We've talked about our future already. Finding ourselves a place, maybe adopting a child, definitely having more pets. Maybe getting married, you never know, but not having a fancy wedding or any real celebration at all. Or something cute like getting engaged, having an engagement party, and then just staying engaged the rest of our lives. =w= But whatever would happen, it would be us. Him and I, together, until the end. I truly believe this, as does he.
And I smile upon our second year, and hold it close to my heart.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
After close to two weeks
I'm starting to realize what living with someone does to a relationship.
I mean, the feelings are still there, don't get me wrong. But bickering becomes much more frequent. Time when you really wish that you could be alone, other times wishing you could be close, even if you're still in the same room. The intimacy level dropped staggeringly low already(then again, we still have a tarp for a door, but still), and the stress levels increased.
Not to mention the stuff that indirectly hits the relationship. Like his parents, particularly his mom. Not only does she not have a filter or a noise setting other than 'really fucking loud'(and has woken us up on multiple times), but she's just really trying my patience. Maybe it's just because I miss my mom. I dunno.
I've been keeping in touch with my family regularly. I want to see them, get away from my stress for a tiny bit. Though that won't happen until the next time they come down here so they can pick me up, or until I learn how to drive.
I really don't like how stressed out I've been lately. I can't control my emotions, and I've been biting non-stop for a few days, and snapping at him. He's very tolerant of this and knows why I do it, but I feel horrible for doing it and not being able to control myself.
I wish I could have a day for myself. No one else in the house, nothing to stress about, no interaction with anyone.
Perhaps that's a bit too much to ask for.
I mean, the feelings are still there, don't get me wrong. But bickering becomes much more frequent. Time when you really wish that you could be alone, other times wishing you could be close, even if you're still in the same room. The intimacy level dropped staggeringly low already(then again, we still have a tarp for a door, but still), and the stress levels increased.
Not to mention the stuff that indirectly hits the relationship. Like his parents, particularly his mom. Not only does she not have a filter or a noise setting other than 'really fucking loud'(and has woken us up on multiple times), but she's just really trying my patience. Maybe it's just because I miss my mom. I dunno.
I've been keeping in touch with my family regularly. I want to see them, get away from my stress for a tiny bit. Though that won't happen until the next time they come down here so they can pick me up, or until I learn how to drive.
I really don't like how stressed out I've been lately. I can't control my emotions, and I've been biting non-stop for a few days, and snapping at him. He's very tolerant of this and knows why I do it, but I feel horrible for doing it and not being able to control myself.
I wish I could have a day for myself. No one else in the house, nothing to stress about, no interaction with anyone.
Perhaps that's a bit too much to ask for.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Settling In:.
I've been completely moved into my new residence with Love and his family since Thursday night. Though alot of tears were shed, I have the best support system backing me up and things are running smoothly.
I was mostly concerned for my kitten-daughter Yossie, who hasn't been eating or going to the bathroom the past couple of days, but she's starting to get used to the room, and is finally starting to eat a bit. She's extremely clingy today and I love it, because it means she's starting to accept our new home.
The best part that warms my heart though, is that she's been really clingy towards Love as well, rubbing up against his leg and letting him pet her. It makes me feel much more comfortable about leaving her when I go to work. He's really a great father when it comes to Yossie.
I honestly wouldn't have kept my sanity if not for him. He's been so kind and supportive, and helping me out with whatever he can. If it wasn't clear that he loved me before, it sure is now. I can't imagine life without him. And I don't need to, because I know that whatever happens, we'll be together.
I've been starting to plan my future, though I still have a bit of settling in to do. My main concerns are driving and getting health insurance, followed by education and fitness. I'm really considering trying to find a culinary school, or see if the vocational school has anything of the like. Perhaps if I go to a legit college in the future like I planned I'll go for Japanese, but for right now, culinary and looking into my basics at OCC are the most important. And with fitness, just so I can avoid doctors' appointments and get rid of the huge gut that sticks out more than my chest, I'm considering joining a health club or fitness center. On top of cooking and regulating my own meals, I should get healthier in no time.
All the while I'll be saving up for a few important things. Said things:
~Car
~Japan Trip(if it is to happen again)
~Any bills I might need to pay in the forseeable future, such as my phone and rent
~Apartment
The last one I'm not too entirely concerned with at the moment, because I know that sooner or later the two of us will find our own place and be able to settle down. But it's still good to think about and plan, ne?
That's really all I have to report right now. Thanks for reading. <3
I was mostly concerned for my kitten-daughter Yossie, who hasn't been eating or going to the bathroom the past couple of days, but she's starting to get used to the room, and is finally starting to eat a bit. She's extremely clingy today and I love it, because it means she's starting to accept our new home.
The best part that warms my heart though, is that she's been really clingy towards Love as well, rubbing up against his leg and letting him pet her. It makes me feel much more comfortable about leaving her when I go to work. He's really a great father when it comes to Yossie.
I honestly wouldn't have kept my sanity if not for him. He's been so kind and supportive, and helping me out with whatever he can. If it wasn't clear that he loved me before, it sure is now. I can't imagine life without him. And I don't need to, because I know that whatever happens, we'll be together.
I've been starting to plan my future, though I still have a bit of settling in to do. My main concerns are driving and getting health insurance, followed by education and fitness. I'm really considering trying to find a culinary school, or see if the vocational school has anything of the like. Perhaps if I go to a legit college in the future like I planned I'll go for Japanese, but for right now, culinary and looking into my basics at OCC are the most important. And with fitness, just so I can avoid doctors' appointments and get rid of the huge gut that sticks out more than my chest, I'm considering joining a health club or fitness center. On top of cooking and regulating my own meals, I should get healthier in no time.
All the while I'll be saving up for a few important things. Said things:
~Car
~Japan Trip(if it is to happen again)
~Any bills I might need to pay in the forseeable future, such as my phone and rent
~Apartment
The last one I'm not too entirely concerned with at the moment, because I know that sooner or later the two of us will find our own place and be able to settle down. But it's still good to think about and plan, ne?
That's really all I have to report right now. Thanks for reading. <3
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The Stress of Moving
is really getting to me.
I was sick with bronchitis/ a throat infection(I believe I was, anyway. I couldn't go to the doctor) two weeks ago, and am still slowly getting over it. I'm sure the reason I'm not healed is because I literally have no time to actually rest. Between packing/moving my furniture and boxes into Love's house, work, cooking, cleaning, and pass-out sessions that really don't help at all, I feel even more run down than I did when I was sick.
I have until tomorrow to get the rest of my crap out of my house, and I can't even do that because I work 2-11. The moving truck for my parents comes on Tuesday around 8 in the morning, leaving very little time for my dad to help me bring everything over. My coworkers have helped, but I still have the bulk of my furniture- my computer desk, hutches, and dresser- to move, and all the people with trucks can't help me until it's too late.
Plus, the fears of being on my own are getting to me. It's not necessarily myself that I'm worried about, either. With me staying here and my sister moving to Florida, my mom won't have any of her children close to her. And with my dad working 24/7 as a district manager, he'll barely be home. What if she gets incredibly sick again and no one can take care of her? I was able to help her last time, being able to go to the store and buy her what she needed, and cook for her and keep the house and cats under control. But she won't have me to look after her. It terrifies me to think that something could happen to her that wouldn't have if I moved in with them.
Love is making things much easier to take, though. I have no doubts about living with him, though it will take a bit of getting used to. He's done so much for us already regarding the whole moving situation, and just today he mowed the lawn for us. He's been reassuring me that everything will be alright, and I believe him. I met his father for the first time yesterday. He seemed genuinely happy because I made his son happy, and was glad that I was moving in. That also gave me a tiny bit of peace-of-mind.
I'm still worried, stressed, and probably won't be able to have a day to myself for a looooooooooong while, but I have hope that everything will be alright.
I was sick with bronchitis/ a throat infection(I believe I was, anyway. I couldn't go to the doctor) two weeks ago, and am still slowly getting over it. I'm sure the reason I'm not healed is because I literally have no time to actually rest. Between packing/moving my furniture and boxes into Love's house, work, cooking, cleaning, and pass-out sessions that really don't help at all, I feel even more run down than I did when I was sick.
I have until tomorrow to get the rest of my crap out of my house, and I can't even do that because I work 2-11. The moving truck for my parents comes on Tuesday around 8 in the morning, leaving very little time for my dad to help me bring everything over. My coworkers have helped, but I still have the bulk of my furniture- my computer desk, hutches, and dresser- to move, and all the people with trucks can't help me until it's too late.
Plus, the fears of being on my own are getting to me. It's not necessarily myself that I'm worried about, either. With me staying here and my sister moving to Florida, my mom won't have any of her children close to her. And with my dad working 24/7 as a district manager, he'll barely be home. What if she gets incredibly sick again and no one can take care of her? I was able to help her last time, being able to go to the store and buy her what she needed, and cook for her and keep the house and cats under control. But she won't have me to look after her. It terrifies me to think that something could happen to her that wouldn't have if I moved in with them.
Love is making things much easier to take, though. I have no doubts about living with him, though it will take a bit of getting used to. He's done so much for us already regarding the whole moving situation, and just today he mowed the lawn for us. He's been reassuring me that everything will be alright, and I believe him. I met his father for the first time yesterday. He seemed genuinely happy because I made his son happy, and was glad that I was moving in. That also gave me a tiny bit of peace-of-mind.
I'm still worried, stressed, and probably won't be able to have a day to myself for a looooooooooong while, but I have hope that everything will be alright.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Too Cold For Angels to Fly, Chapter Four
We get back to the house in an hour's time, and not a moment too soon. My phone starts ringing as soon as I get into the driveway. Turning the car off, I reach into my pocket and answer, glancing at Angel. It was obvious that it was Jan on the phone, and with a little smirk, she got out of the car and walked into the house, leaving me to the conversation.
"The bitch still there? That's probably why you didn't call me all day." Jan's furious. I sigh, explain what happened only to get a bitter laugh in response. "Should've known it. She finally realized her calling."
"What the hell, Janna!" I snap, accidentally honking the horn out of my own anger. I sigh, trying to calm myself down. "I know you two don't get along, but this is serious. She's been on the streets for years, no one to turn to, a complete wreck. Why are you being so heartless?"
"I'm not losing you to her again." her voice is grave, the tiniest hint of a sob shining through on the last word."That little harlot almost destroyed our friendship in college. I'm not letting her get in the way of our life as a family."
I try to remain calm, rubbing my temple with the palm of my hand. "I understand. But promise me, love, you have nothing to worry about. We'll talk about this more when I pick you up from the airport tomorrow. Will you be okay flying?"
"Yes."
"Good. Call me when your flight takes off and I'll pick you up. I'll take you out for an early dinner at Olive Garden, just the two of us, alright?." I wait for a response, and receive a slightly happier Jan. "That's my girl. I love you very much. I'll text you tonight." I hang up, take a deep breath, and go back inside to face Angel. I already feel dead from the past few days, the energy sucked right out of me and replaced with concentrated stress.
I open the door to find her in the dining room, two bowls on the counter, making her favorite sundae- key lime pie ice cream on top of a brownie with whipped cream and pieces of chocolate-covered waffle bowl. She looks so innocent, completely focused on the sundae, not even bothering to acknowledge me. I walk up to the counter and start making my own, a simple vanilla-chocolate sundae in a chocolate-covered waffle bowl with Hershey's syrup, and by the time I'm done, she's already scarfing her sundae down. I find myself laughing, and she just looks up at me confused, a piece of waffle cone hanging out of her mouth. Just like the good old high school days. Before Jan, before love, before life. We hold a semi-casual conversation about food while we finish our dessert, not once mentioning the clinic or her struggles. I'm a bit relieved, in all honesty. I'm too beat to deal with anything more today. I glance at the clock, four thirty, and silently consider taking a nap. She speaks.
"You look Zombified. You wanna go take a nap?" She puts her empty bowl in the sink, then makes her way to the couch. "I'll just chill here while you sleep. I might pass out myself."
I nod once, taking the last spoonful of ice cream. "I think that'd be best. I have to pick Jan up from the airport tomorrow around four, so you know." She suddenly tenses, digging her nails into her skin. I try not to pay much attention to it, putting my dish in the sink. "I'm going to be taking her out for supper. And then the day after I have to go back to work.."
"Will she really be okay with me staying here? I haven't been in the same room with her since Graduation, and even then we barely saw each other. She still hates me."
"I.. don't know." I sigh, leaning against the dining room wall. "She's upset that you've shown up unannounced. But she knows what you're going through."
"You told her?" She's angry, terrified, and now clawing her skin open. I walk up to her and take her hand, holding it away from the broken skin. She must be malnourished, for it to break that easily. I shake my head. "You know she's going to act as if I deserve this." It's almost as if she knows her better than I do.
"I needed to tell her. And I won't let her badmouth you, okay? You two can be civil, at least until the test results come back. I'll help you search for a place to live when the time comes." I slowly release her hand, and she runs it through her hair.
"Whatever. You go take your nap." Her eyes avoid mine as she says this, and I can't tell what she's thinking or planning. As much as I want to keep an eye on her, I'm fading fast. I simple nod, give her a weak hug, and trudge down to the hall to my bed.
I hit the bed, and completely black out.
"The bitch still there? That's probably why you didn't call me all day." Jan's furious. I sigh, explain what happened only to get a bitter laugh in response. "Should've known it. She finally realized her calling."
"What the hell, Janna!" I snap, accidentally honking the horn out of my own anger. I sigh, trying to calm myself down. "I know you two don't get along, but this is serious. She's been on the streets for years, no one to turn to, a complete wreck. Why are you being so heartless?"
"I'm not losing you to her again." her voice is grave, the tiniest hint of a sob shining through on the last word."That little harlot almost destroyed our friendship in college. I'm not letting her get in the way of our life as a family."
I try to remain calm, rubbing my temple with the palm of my hand. "I understand. But promise me, love, you have nothing to worry about. We'll talk about this more when I pick you up from the airport tomorrow. Will you be okay flying?"
"Yes."
"Good. Call me when your flight takes off and I'll pick you up. I'll take you out for an early dinner at Olive Garden, just the two of us, alright?." I wait for a response, and receive a slightly happier Jan. "That's my girl. I love you very much. I'll text you tonight." I hang up, take a deep breath, and go back inside to face Angel. I already feel dead from the past few days, the energy sucked right out of me and replaced with concentrated stress.
I open the door to find her in the dining room, two bowls on the counter, making her favorite sundae- key lime pie ice cream on top of a brownie with whipped cream and pieces of chocolate-covered waffle bowl. She looks so innocent, completely focused on the sundae, not even bothering to acknowledge me. I walk up to the counter and start making my own, a simple vanilla-chocolate sundae in a chocolate-covered waffle bowl with Hershey's syrup, and by the time I'm done, she's already scarfing her sundae down. I find myself laughing, and she just looks up at me confused, a piece of waffle cone hanging out of her mouth. Just like the good old high school days. Before Jan, before love, before life. We hold a semi-casual conversation about food while we finish our dessert, not once mentioning the clinic or her struggles. I'm a bit relieved, in all honesty. I'm too beat to deal with anything more today. I glance at the clock, four thirty, and silently consider taking a nap. She speaks.
"You look Zombified. You wanna go take a nap?" She puts her empty bowl in the sink, then makes her way to the couch. "I'll just chill here while you sleep. I might pass out myself."
I nod once, taking the last spoonful of ice cream. "I think that'd be best. I have to pick Jan up from the airport tomorrow around four, so you know." She suddenly tenses, digging her nails into her skin. I try not to pay much attention to it, putting my dish in the sink. "I'm going to be taking her out for supper. And then the day after I have to go back to work.."
"Will she really be okay with me staying here? I haven't been in the same room with her since Graduation, and even then we barely saw each other. She still hates me."
"I.. don't know." I sigh, leaning against the dining room wall. "She's upset that you've shown up unannounced. But she knows what you're going through."
"You told her?" She's angry, terrified, and now clawing her skin open. I walk up to her and take her hand, holding it away from the broken skin. She must be malnourished, for it to break that easily. I shake my head. "You know she's going to act as if I deserve this." It's almost as if she knows her better than I do.
"I needed to tell her. And I won't let her badmouth you, okay? You two can be civil, at least until the test results come back. I'll help you search for a place to live when the time comes." I slowly release her hand, and she runs it through her hair.
"Whatever. You go take your nap." Her eyes avoid mine as she says this, and I can't tell what she's thinking or planning. As much as I want to keep an eye on her, I'm fading fast. I simple nod, give her a weak hug, and trudge down to the hall to my bed.
I hit the bed, and completely black out.
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