Personality as described by the Jung test:.

A few days ago, my friend asked me to take a personality test,which gave you a four letter personality and a description of said personality.The test- http://similarminds.com/jung.html

After I discovered my personality type of INFP, I was linked to a description of my type, and found it almost shocking how dead on it was. I shall post the description here. anything bold is what I believe is undoubtedly true. italicized indicates that it's somewhat true, and striked out shows that does not pertain to me at all.
(NOTE- For some reason it made most of the below text unreadable? Just highlight it to read it.

creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

So as you can see, minus three things, all of these pertain to me, most of them being so true it's slightly sickening. in fact, anything bolded with 'can be' is usually 'is always'. It makes me realize how many flaws I really do have- not that I haven't noticed them before, I always knew I was one defected human being, yet I never really gave it much thought before this. 

This friend of mine, you know her as Faye, had both myself and Life Support take the test. Out of curiosity I had my love take the test as well, and oddly enough, those two both got the same thing- INTJ. Now I would go further into this and do the same thing I did for my description as I did theirs, but.. Actually, what the hell, I might as well. This is what I feel they are.

Starting with Love:

loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, not very altruistic(depends), not very complimentary, would rather be friendless than jobless, observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private, not much fun, hidden, skeptical, does not tend to like most people, socially uncomfortable, not physically affectionate, unhappy, does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things, tends to be pessimistic, not spontaneous, prone to discontentment, guarded, does not think they are weird but others do, responsible, can be insensitive or ambivalent to the misfortunes of others, orderly, clean, organized, familiar with darkside, tends not to value organized religion, suspicious of others, can be lonely, rarely shows anger, punctual, finisher, prepared

As I was going through this, I also thought about what I'd put for LS, and I realized that I really don't know what fits him or not, considering I haven't met him in real life nor have we had a decent conversation(not counting this month)  in what seems to be over a year, probably even longer. It makes me wonder how much I truly know about him.

I'm tempted to dwell more into the studies behind this test, and deeper into my personality.. maybe some other time.

Heartless Opinions:.

Maybe because I'm older. Maybe because I'm not yet a mother, or don't live in Connecticut. Maybe just because I hate seeing in on every damn newspaper, every facebook page, and every news channel.

But this whole hype about this shooting pisses me off.

Sure, it was alot of innocent people. But innocent people are killed every day, most we don't hear about. What makes these 24 any different from those unnamed? The amount of people killed? The fact that it happened at a school(also more common than you know)?  If you won't acknowledge all the lives lost in the world due to murder, why dedicate so much time for these people on a national and international broadcast?

Even more unbelievable, they're starting to play the 'blame game' on why the murderer, who is also dead, did what he did. So his mother(dead) taught him how to shoot a gun. So he has a disease. Who cares? They're dead. It happened. It will happen again someday whether we like it or not. No amount of blaming and releasing irrelevant/unnecessary facts will change that. No talk about whether or not to ban guns will change that.

You can't change anything by letting a world know about a murder. If anything you ignite more murderers. I'd get into this, but I'd rather not at the moment.

I know I'm not the only one with these opinions, yet I also know anyone who shares these opinions are looked at as heartless. Same with the incident that I loosely touched on back in my senior year- a freshman died from flipping out of his quad and hitting his head on a mailbox. He was drunk, and thus it was his own fault. I had no sympathy what-so-ever because he was underage drinking and it was his stupid mistake, which to me proves he wasn't smart enough to even deserve to live. After expressing this opinion I've been called a heartless bitch to my face by several people, most of which haven't spoken to me since.

Maybe I am heartless. I don't have sympathy for those who succumb to stupidity or, in the Connecticut Case,  being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But this is fate. As time goes on there will be more chaos, more murder, and we can't stop it. No gun laws will prevent it, no locking up potential criminals or making murders public announcements. It will happen.

So just let it happen and shut up about it.

Open(Ramble)

I feel that now that I have shared my blog with the handful of people I can trust, I am more open about myself. Though truth be told I have only really spoken to two people since the big reveal(as in, like, actual conversations, not simple 2-message convos, I've been more honest. With myself, too. I feel like I'm starting to gain my fearlessness and hope back. Two days after I revealed my blog and spoke to a certain someone, I felt happier. I actually smiled for 5 hours on register(which barely happens anymore because people are assholes =w=') , I was more passionate when I spoke to 1, and I felt like nothing could get me down. My cravings ceased, for cigarettes and pain. Sure it didn't last too long thanks to my hormones, but I'm sure when my monthly demon leaves me I'll regain that lovely feeling of finally being, well.. happy.

True happiness is something you can only get after accepting everything in your life. Before finally getting closure, I would fake happiness by working myself to the point where I would forget my life rather than accept it. Hell, there were days I could barely remember what I ate that day, let alone things that happened weeks or months ago. I've heard lack of memory can also be caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. When I try to remember something I get a headache, or have trouble breathing, so perhaps that's the case. I still have a memory problem after closure, but if I do remember something, I look back on it with a new insight.

Closure.. it's funny, I've been seeking this for close to four years. Even after moving on in my life and getting somewhere with it, I still had doubts. I was still not happy. Blame in on my cowardliness, or doubt that I would get the answers I sought, I could not get myself to confront them until I decided to present my blog to a handful of people. Questions were asked and answered. Though bittersweet, they gave me hope. Happiness. And exactly what I needed.

I can finally accept where I am, what I want to do with my life. And I can finally express it to the two people who matter the most.

Cigarette 2.

The cravings stopped for a long while, or atleast came and went very quickly without any real effect on my mood or state of mind. Then I got closer and closer to my birthday. Every single day, especially when I was put on register, my cravings came back worse and worse. On my birthday and the two days after it was to the point where I'd have to bite at work (on both wrists, multiple times) in order to stop myself from buying a pack.

Yesterday I caved in. Got a pack of USAs and a lighter. Went to one of my co-workers who wouldn't question it or be concerned by it, no one around saw me buy them. I couldn't have one there, because my mom would see. Thinking about it more, I realized there was nowhere that I could really have one without her or someone finding out. Now incredibly twitchy, I decided to go with 1 to pick up one of our friends from work. It was obvious that I was not myself, that something was bugging me. When I left and he walked me home, I took the pack out. Immediately, but calmly, he took the pack out of my hand and looked at the contents inside. "Don't." He repeated multiple times, stuffing them in his pocket and pulling me close. "You're better than that."

{Am I?} I kept thinking, all the while still craving the death stick. We walked in silence after that, minus a few "I'm sorry" whispers from myself. He walked me inside, followed me into my room, and held me close. A little while later he spoke again.

"Is that all you bought?"

I nodded, but then remembered about the lighter and handed it to him. He shook his head, obvious worry icing his gaze over. I could barely look him in the eye, I felt so weak. Foolish. I had to be if I bought a pack of the thing that I swore I would never buy, the thing that could very well kill me without my inhaler by my side. Tears started to form, but never fell as he stroked my hair, rubbing my back with the other hand. He tried to lighten the mood with several comments while still getting his point across- "Cigarette breath smells really bad.""They're way too expensive." He even told me that he would pay me back for them, even though I told him he didn't have to. He kissed my forehead, looked me in the eyes, and told me he knew I was better than that. And if ever I craved again, to remember that before I buy another pack.The thing I remember the most was his second-to-last comment: "Now can I have a smile?" A genuine smile showed on my face, and the two of us laughed it off. He then tucked me in, told me he loved me, and softly closed the door behind him.

I was thinking for at least 2 hours after that. Am I truly strong enough to not give in yet again? I practically promised him that I wouldn't, and I know that he trusts in and believes in me. Even so, that nagging feeling tugs at me. Ieven had a dream that the two of us were walking around an amusement park together, smoking. Or rather he was smoking and the rest of the cigarettes were broken so I couldn't have one. It made me wake up wondering what he actually did with them. I know he's not the type to smoke, and am almost positive that he threw them away. And yet, I still want to ask. Still want to make sure.

Today I had to leave work without even saying goodbye, for if I did I probably would have bought another pack.