She appears at the worst possible times. She controls my thoughts, teases me in her sexy voice. Tells me I need to stop being a 'whiny little chicken', 'grow some balls', and 'loosen up'. She has a trucker mouth and isn't afraid to use it, she likes to stick her middle finger to the world. Not too fond of looking extremely feminine or 'normal', she won't touch makeup, wants to gag when I say I feel pretty in a dress or when I smile with a light shade of lipstick on. She tends to take me wearing ties as an invitation to take over, and every sleep deprived moment I have I can hear her mocking laughter, her voice whispering 'Alright hun, time to party. Let me take control, show you what you're really thinking.'
She is Nova. And she is me.
The side of me I really regret, to be honest. I guess she's been around since 7th grade, only she wasn't really named and was stuffed under a rock for the most part while the real(?) me tried to act calm and polite, smile when I needed to, hyper more often than not. The real me was and is terrified of growing up, scared to speak her mind, knows when to shut up about certain things. The real me is scared of losing people, scared of losing my innocence. Nova's already lost it, and everyone around her. Nova is more of a woman(and, dare I say it, more of a man) than I'd ever be. She never shuts up and is usually complaining, or cursing, or both. Though both Nova and I are sober and clean and plan to stay that way, there will be times where Nova speaks to me. 'Give in, steal a cig. She won't even miss it.' 'You'd be so much more relaxed if you just got intoxicated, you know? One time won't hurt.' I feel like she's an addict waiting to happen, and I'm trying so hard for her not to happen to me.
Am I crazy? Probably rightly so. Considering I even talk to Nova on occasion. Speak aloud, she answers me in my thoughts. Always saying what I wouldn't, always teasing me and telling me I'm worthless, which I already know. It's funny, because while she might seem like the stronger me, she's weaker than the real me would ever be.
I just hope that she doesn't ever become the real me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Senior Trip, Day of Silence,Dresses, Work, Language, Ponies, Jellybeans.
Here's a bit of a jumbled post, but I'll try to go in order. The next few days are senior trip, something I was kinda robbed of(wanted to go, didn't sign up because I thought I was going to Japan, it was canceled, too late to join the Disney hype). But because of that there will only be 2 people in my Japanese class, doing absolutely nothing in Physics, English and Discrete math, and so the only classes I really need to go to are Chorus and Improv. Chorus because the spring concert's coming up, and no one but a handful of people know what the hell they're doing. I am one of those people, so technically I could skip it, but I still want to make sure that I got everything down so that when the time comes I can shine at this concert. My last concert.. Scary to think. But the funny thing is, due to the theme being Broadway, the Senior Song this year is Finale B from Rent. In 6th grade, the year I actually started to really get into singing, we did that song(among others from Rent), and now I'm ending my school singing experience with that song. It's very symbolic for me yupyup.
So, while mom's puffing a bit of her life away and waiting to drive me in to school I decided to post this. o2o I think another reason why I have so much to say is becauseI can't speak it- not only are all the people I talk to on senior trip, but today is the national Day Of Silence. This day is a vow to not speak to bring attention to the silencing effect of bullying people for their sexuality. Being bicurious myself and having alot of friends who are homosexual or bisexual, I've always took part in this day of action. And though it will be difficult since the main classes I have to go to are singing and acting, plus I have a dress fitting,I'm going to try to the best of my ability to participate in this.
Oh yeah, dress fitting. Since I'm going to prom I was looking around at dresses. My mom wanted me to pick one out at a store/boutique, so I could have a 'casual prom dress', so I went to humor her. And surprizingly I found a very pretty lavender dress that looks really pretty. It was pretty cheap too, the dress and the shoes only costing a combined 85 bucks, but what's gonna kill my wallet is the alterations. Being a sample dress, they can't order another one and it's a bit too huge for me, so we have to do many alterations. So I have to do that today. I'm going to try and schedule a tux fitting for Jesse too, and see just how much one will cost. I wanna make sure I'll have enough money for everything.
My mom's been waiting for close to twenty minutes so I'll speed through everything else. Work is hectic, very challenging, my one friend who I share a sister with may be working there too. Though I don't think I have so far in this, my language has been set to trucker mouth. I curse way too much now, and it scares me. I don't even know why I do it. Season finale of ponies tomorrow, or atleast part 1 of it. So fricken excited.
Now this topic I don't want to skip over because it has another powerful meaning, so I'll probably just make a seperate post about it when I get home. Until then, stay sparkling and happy ramblings.
So, while mom's puffing a bit of her life away and waiting to drive me in to school I decided to post this. o2o I think another reason why I have so much to say is becauseI can't speak it- not only are all the people I talk to on senior trip, but today is the national Day Of Silence. This day is a vow to not speak to bring attention to the silencing effect of bullying people for their sexuality. Being bicurious myself and having alot of friends who are homosexual or bisexual, I've always took part in this day of action. And though it will be difficult since the main classes I have to go to are singing and acting, plus I have a dress fitting,I'm going to try to the best of my ability to participate in this.
Oh yeah, dress fitting. Since I'm going to prom I was looking around at dresses. My mom wanted me to pick one out at a store/boutique, so I could have a 'casual prom dress', so I went to humor her. And surprizingly I found a very pretty lavender dress that looks really pretty. It was pretty cheap too, the dress and the shoes only costing a combined 85 bucks, but what's gonna kill my wallet is the alterations. Being a sample dress, they can't order another one and it's a bit too huge for me, so we have to do many alterations. So I have to do that today. I'm going to try and schedule a tux fitting for Jesse too, and see just how much one will cost. I wanna make sure I'll have enough money for everything.
My mom's been waiting for close to twenty minutes so I'll speed through everything else. Work is hectic, very challenging, my one friend who I share a sister with may be working there too. Though I don't think I have so far in this, my language has been set to trucker mouth. I curse way too much now, and it scares me. I don't even know why I do it. Season finale of ponies tomorrow, or atleast part 1 of it. So fricken excited.
Now this topic I don't want to skip over because it has another powerful meaning, so I'll probably just make a seperate post about it when I get home. Until then, stay sparkling and happy ramblings.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Snow
Is it sad that I want it to be winter again, a nice cold winter where snow falls? It's not just due to this heat, or anything holiday-related, or even the fact that I'll be out of school by then(god it's scary to say that.).
It's simply because of the emotions that go with snow. What I've realized over the years is that humans(and me) tend to act opposite the weather: If it's a very warm summer day, the heat turns their personalities cold and bitter. But with the cold, there is more love, peace, and people are more cheerful. The rain, being as it can be either cold or warm when it falls, has mixed personality ties. For me personally rain depresses me, and I never liked it.
Snow, on the other hand, is the most beautiful and spirit-lifting natural phenomenon on this earth. To see the delicate crystals fall, blanket the streets and trees with white, I can't help but smile and stare for a while. Once the storm subsides and the virgin snow remains untouched, sparkling in the night and almost as vibrantly as the stars, I feel like I am in a whole new world. A world of love, a world of beauty. And while some people look forward to shoveling snow for extra bucks, or making snow forts and snowmen, my one interest is on a clear, starry night laying in the snow, feeling the bitter chill and taking in the beauty of the sky and the snow around me.
I find it to be romantic, also. Some people say the most romantic thing is kissing in the rain, but kissing in the rain is for dramatic scenes with tears and sorrow. Kisses in the snow are truly romantic, as it feels like time stands still as the crystals slowly fall around the two of you. It brings out the already existing beauty of the other person. It brings out love.
So while most people are looking foward to a summer of tanning, the beach, heat, and carnivals, I'm just counting the days until I can lay in that winter dreamland once more.
It's simply because of the emotions that go with snow. What I've realized over the years is that humans(and me) tend to act opposite the weather: If it's a very warm summer day, the heat turns their personalities cold and bitter. But with the cold, there is more love, peace, and people are more cheerful. The rain, being as it can be either cold or warm when it falls, has mixed personality ties. For me personally rain depresses me, and I never liked it.
Snow, on the other hand, is the most beautiful and spirit-lifting natural phenomenon on this earth. To see the delicate crystals fall, blanket the streets and trees with white, I can't help but smile and stare for a while. Once the storm subsides and the virgin snow remains untouched, sparkling in the night and almost as vibrantly as the stars, I feel like I am in a whole new world. A world of love, a world of beauty. And while some people look forward to shoveling snow for extra bucks, or making snow forts and snowmen, my one interest is on a clear, starry night laying in the snow, feeling the bitter chill and taking in the beauty of the sky and the snow around me.
I find it to be romantic, also. Some people say the most romantic thing is kissing in the rain, but kissing in the rain is for dramatic scenes with tears and sorrow. Kisses in the snow are truly romantic, as it feels like time stands still as the crystals slowly fall around the two of you. It brings out the already existing beauty of the other person. It brings out love.
So while most people are looking foward to a summer of tanning, the beach, heat, and carnivals, I'm just counting the days until I can lay in that winter dreamland once more.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Rambling.
Not sure where this ramble will go, so let's make the best of it, ne?
Heh, the first thing that popped in my head for this is actually when I would ramble to a certain person because they never answered my IMs. Who? Well, 2 of course. I would ramble about my day, what I ate, Hello!Project and anime,all because he never answered a 'Hallo mah friend, what's up?o2o' Or anything of the like. He never did reply after any of these, even though I tried to make them interactive by asking him a question or two during the ramble. Course that ended a loooong time ago, (around 2010, I think? ) And, to be honest, I can't remember speaking to him since.
OH WAIT. I lied, I did have a conversation with him after we both found someone else. And it was actually a decent, non-awkward, long conversation. That was the last time, I'm sure of it.
I don't even know where the hell this kid is anymore. I keep having random thoughts that he died. Is that bad? Well, I guess it would only be bad if I actually wanted the kid to die, but I don't. Every time I think about it, I realize I would probably be even worse off than I was saying goodbye to him as a friend. When that happened, my grades dropped, I wouldn't eat, and I just couldn't function. And then right after that I threw myself into every possible job and extracurricular protect(online and at school) that I could, which just wore me down even more. But if he died.. god, I wouldn't even be able to do that. I wouldn't be able to work, or sing, or hang out with people.. I would be completely 100 percent broken.
I was thinking of trying to visit the kid this summer, too, but I have so much going on that I don't have the time or the money to make a quick trip to TN. The trip would be closure and say goodbye for good(god, I'm talking about him as if he's already dead.) I mean, We haven't spoke for close to two years. Our friendship is not even a fragment of what it used to be.. And there's so many unanswered questions, on both of our ends. So if I could just go down there for like, a day, talk things over over coffee, then leave knowing exactly where we stand.. Okay, maybe it's a bit of selfish motivation. But eh.
There really isn't anything else to ramble about.. o2o I mean, I guess I could try and ramble about AnimeNEXT, or the crapload of TVA specials coming on this month, Or even how terrified I am of graduating or how hungry I am right now, but.. eh. =w=' I think I'll just go audio mix instead. Peace Meeps.
Heh, the first thing that popped in my head for this is actually when I would ramble to a certain person because they never answered my IMs. Who? Well, 2 of course. I would ramble about my day, what I ate, Hello!Project and anime,all because he never answered a 'Hallo mah friend, what's up?o2o' Or anything of the like. He never did reply after any of these, even though I tried to make them interactive by asking him a question or two during the ramble. Course that ended a loooong time ago, (around 2010, I think? ) And, to be honest, I can't remember speaking to him since.
OH WAIT. I lied, I did have a conversation with him after we both found someone else. And it was actually a decent, non-awkward, long conversation. That was the last time, I'm sure of it.
I don't even know where the hell this kid is anymore. I keep having random thoughts that he died. Is that bad? Well, I guess it would only be bad if I actually wanted the kid to die, but I don't. Every time I think about it, I realize I would probably be even worse off than I was saying goodbye to him as a friend. When that happened, my grades dropped, I wouldn't eat, and I just couldn't function. And then right after that I threw myself into every possible job and extracurricular protect(online and at school) that I could, which just wore me down even more. But if he died.. god, I wouldn't even be able to do that. I wouldn't be able to work, or sing, or hang out with people.. I would be completely 100 percent broken.
I was thinking of trying to visit the kid this summer, too, but I have so much going on that I don't have the time or the money to make a quick trip to TN. The trip would be closure and say goodbye for good(god, I'm talking about him as if he's already dead.) I mean, We haven't spoke for close to two years. Our friendship is not even a fragment of what it used to be.. And there's so many unanswered questions, on both of our ends. So if I could just go down there for like, a day, talk things over over coffee, then leave knowing exactly where we stand.. Okay, maybe it's a bit of selfish motivation. But eh.
There really isn't anything else to ramble about.. o2o I mean, I guess I could try and ramble about AnimeNEXT, or the crapload of TVA specials coming on this month, Or even how terrified I am of graduating or how hungry I am right now, but.. eh. =w=' I think I'll just go audio mix instead. Peace Meeps.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Even more of Venom:.
"Thank you."
Unspoken: For not raping me tonight.
I sigh, locking the door of my bathroom. Was I really going to do it? Was I really going to pluck the innocence from by beautiful daughrer? The thought makes me sob again, and I throw my clothes to the corner of the room, turn on the shower and let my tears mix with the water. She can probably hear me, if she's still in the room. I know she will never look at me the same way again, and I cannot blame her. If I looked in that mirror, I wouldn't see King Miles Phalen, a respected father and ruler of Kaarme. No, I would merely see a sick old man with hunger in his eyes, a man not worthy of a crown. Of a daughter. I sob harder at this, knowing how pathetic I sound. I shouldn't be alive if I am this new beast. I try to scrub this realization away, hoping my sin would wash away, scrubbing to the point of bruising my skin. Yet lust is not something mere soap can dissolve- lust is poison, a venom that stains the very part of the soul that is meant for love. It veils love, clones it, but makes is fiercer, colder. Love is a warm embrace, lust is the ice that chases warmth away. And if that's the case, I've never felt so frigid.
I let the droplets drip off of my body as I stand frozen in the shower, the water turned off. I finally swallow my tears and step out onto the marble floor. I don't dare look into the mirror as I dress into my robe, hoping that the regal silk would bring me back to my kingly manner. It starts to work, but then I open the door and again feel like the broken old monster. Ever had fallen fast asleep in my bed, fully clothed, completely surrounded by the covers and bejewled pillows. I quickly get dressed into my royal attire,then hesitate toward the bed and look down at that sleeping face. She is so innocent despite what had happened tonight, so peaceful. I can't help but smile, let a hand graze her cheek. Reluctantly I watch her eyes flutter open, pull my hand away. She stares silently up at me, no concrete emotion swimming in those eyes of hers. If only I knew what she was thinking. If only I knew how tonight affected her.. then again, that might tempt me to do it again. I cringe, and she notices. I watch Ever sit up, worry now in her eyes, yet we both still remain silent. I try to fish for words, yet what can I say? 'I'm sorry for almost taking you tonight, but you were just too irresistable'? I want to puke, know that I just might if I look at her any more. I turn to walk away, and when I'm almost at the door I hear her voice:
"Why?"
There are several things this could be asking. I stop in my tracks, refuse to look back. "Elaborate, child."
She hesitates."Why did.."she switches the question around. "What made you do what you did?" She's a smart girl, knows that this isn't right. She adds, "Forgive me, my king. Is it because of Mother's illness?"
Oh child, if you only knew who your real mother was. Though Lady Relle may have something to do with it, more than anything it has to do with my dearest Novalei's death.. I want to tell her the truth, yet that would be futile now. Too much heartbreak, for both of us, and so I simply reply with "Something of that nature, yes." and walk out of the room. Perhaps throwing myself into work will help me forget about tonight. I chance looking at a window, see the sparkle of the crown on tip of a stranger. This stranger is older, pitiful. And yet, he is my own person.
How long I have been this new man is uncertain, but one thing I know for sure is the old Miles is
never coming back.
Unspoken: For not raping me tonight.
I sigh, locking the door of my bathroom. Was I really going to do it? Was I really going to pluck the innocence from by beautiful daughrer? The thought makes me sob again, and I throw my clothes to the corner of the room, turn on the shower and let my tears mix with the water. She can probably hear me, if she's still in the room. I know she will never look at me the same way again, and I cannot blame her. If I looked in that mirror, I wouldn't see King Miles Phalen, a respected father and ruler of Kaarme. No, I would merely see a sick old man with hunger in his eyes, a man not worthy of a crown. Of a daughter. I sob harder at this, knowing how pathetic I sound. I shouldn't be alive if I am this new beast. I try to scrub this realization away, hoping my sin would wash away, scrubbing to the point of bruising my skin. Yet lust is not something mere soap can dissolve- lust is poison, a venom that stains the very part of the soul that is meant for love. It veils love, clones it, but makes is fiercer, colder. Love is a warm embrace, lust is the ice that chases warmth away. And if that's the case, I've never felt so frigid.
I let the droplets drip off of my body as I stand frozen in the shower, the water turned off. I finally swallow my tears and step out onto the marble floor. I don't dare look into the mirror as I dress into my robe, hoping that the regal silk would bring me back to my kingly manner. It starts to work, but then I open the door and again feel like the broken old monster. Ever had fallen fast asleep in my bed, fully clothed, completely surrounded by the covers and bejewled pillows. I quickly get dressed into my royal attire,then hesitate toward the bed and look down at that sleeping face. She is so innocent despite what had happened tonight, so peaceful. I can't help but smile, let a hand graze her cheek. Reluctantly I watch her eyes flutter open, pull my hand away. She stares silently up at me, no concrete emotion swimming in those eyes of hers. If only I knew what she was thinking. If only I knew how tonight affected her.. then again, that might tempt me to do it again. I cringe, and she notices. I watch Ever sit up, worry now in her eyes, yet we both still remain silent. I try to fish for words, yet what can I say? 'I'm sorry for almost taking you tonight, but you were just too irresistable'? I want to puke, know that I just might if I look at her any more. I turn to walk away, and when I'm almost at the door I hear her voice:
"Why?"
There are several things this could be asking. I stop in my tracks, refuse to look back. "Elaborate, child."
She hesitates."Why did.."she switches the question around. "What made you do what you did?" She's a smart girl, knows that this isn't right. She adds, "Forgive me, my king. Is it because of Mother's illness?"
Oh child, if you only knew who your real mother was. Though Lady Relle may have something to do with it, more than anything it has to do with my dearest Novalei's death.. I want to tell her the truth, yet that would be futile now. Too much heartbreak, for both of us, and so I simply reply with "Something of that nature, yes." and walk out of the room. Perhaps throwing myself into work will help me forget about tonight. I chance looking at a window, see the sparkle of the crown on tip of a stranger. This stranger is older, pitiful. And yet, he is my own person.
How long I have been this new man is uncertain, but one thing I know for sure is the old Miles is
never coming back.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Unorthodox Escapade, scene continued
First scene- http://thepoetsplay.blogspot.com/2011/10/unorthodox-escapadescene.html
~Same Night, around 11:30~
Escapade: -alone in the park, sitting on the swing. Blasting the song 'I Want My Tears Back' by Nightwish on her iPod-
Xerox: -sees her, heart quickens. Walks behind her, her jacket in his arms. drapes it over her-
Escapade: -pauses iPod- You would follow me,sis. -tilts head upside-down, sees it's Xerox- ! -almost falls off the swing-
Xerox: Whoah there! -catches her, sits her back up- You okay?
Escapade: I'm not talking to you. ><
Xerox: -smirk- You just did, Cap. -sits on the swing next to her, awkward silence- ..I wanted to apologize.
Escapade: -sarcastic laugh- Oh really? Too late Bubs. I'm not going to listen. -plugs ears, goes 'lalalala' as he tries to speak-
Xerox: -irritated, stands up, grabs her jacket- Fine then. You're not getting this back.
Escapade: Hey! -jumps off swing, tries to grab it-
Xerox: -teasing grin, holds it above his head- Nope.
Escapade: -kicks him in the shin, grabs the jacket- Bastard!
Xerox: -cringes, hopping up and down holding his shin- Damn it Cappy, what's wrong with you?
Escapade: Me? You dare ask what's wrong with ME?! -crying- Let's see, I gave my entire heart to a total jerk who doesn't appreciate me and said person pisses me off so much that I don't want to love him!
Xerox: -hurt expression- Escapade.. You really think I don't appreciate you? That I don't care about you? If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have known where you were. Doxie didn't tell me anything, I knew where you would be.
Escapade: -sniffles- N-not good enough. -turns away from him, crosses arms-
Xerox: Please.. -walks up to her, but behind her. Runs a hand through her hair- Just let me talk to you. We can go back to my house if you want.
Escapade: Your family's at home, ne? You don't want to show them your dirty little secret.. -still refuses to look at him-
Xerox: You're right, I don't. -turns her around gently, looks her dead in the eye- I want them to meet the love of my life.Whether they like it or not.
Escapade: -eyes widen- Xero..
Xerox: I mean it this time. I want everyone to know how amazing you are and how much I love you.
Escapade: -smiles, buries her face into his chest, hugs him tight-
Xerox: -laughs- Careful there Cap, ya might just knock me over. -kisses her forehead- I'm sure Doxie, and my parents, won't mind you staying at my place for an hour or so. It is a Friday after all.
Escapade: Well, let's go then! ^^~ -grabs his hand, starts running-
Xerox: -smiles-{That's my girl.}
~Same Night, around 11:30~
Escapade: -alone in the park, sitting on the swing. Blasting the song 'I Want My Tears Back' by Nightwish on her iPod-
Xerox: -sees her, heart quickens. Walks behind her, her jacket in his arms. drapes it over her-
Escapade: -pauses iPod- You would follow me,sis. -tilts head upside-down, sees it's Xerox- ! -almost falls off the swing-
Xerox: Whoah there! -catches her, sits her back up- You okay?
Escapade: I'm not talking to you. ><
Xerox: -smirk- You just did, Cap. -sits on the swing next to her, awkward silence- ..I wanted to apologize.
Escapade: -sarcastic laugh- Oh really? Too late Bubs. I'm not going to listen. -plugs ears, goes 'lalalala' as he tries to speak-
Xerox: -irritated, stands up, grabs her jacket- Fine then. You're not getting this back.
Escapade: Hey! -jumps off swing, tries to grab it-
Xerox: -teasing grin, holds it above his head- Nope.
Escapade: -kicks him in the shin, grabs the jacket- Bastard!
Xerox: -cringes, hopping up and down holding his shin- Damn it Cappy, what's wrong with you?
Escapade: Me? You dare ask what's wrong with ME?! -crying- Let's see, I gave my entire heart to a total jerk who doesn't appreciate me and said person pisses me off so much that I don't want to love him!
Xerox: -hurt expression- Escapade.. You really think I don't appreciate you? That I don't care about you? If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have known where you were. Doxie didn't tell me anything, I knew where you would be.
Escapade: -sniffles- N-not good enough. -turns away from him, crosses arms-
Xerox: Please.. -walks up to her, but behind her. Runs a hand through her hair- Just let me talk to you. We can go back to my house if you want.
Escapade: Your family's at home, ne? You don't want to show them your dirty little secret.. -still refuses to look at him-
Xerox: You're right, I don't. -turns her around gently, looks her dead in the eye- I want them to meet the love of my life.Whether they like it or not.
Escapade: -eyes widen- Xero..
Xerox: I mean it this time. I want everyone to know how amazing you are and how much I love you.
Escapade: -smiles, buries her face into his chest, hugs him tight-
Xerox: -laughs- Careful there Cap, ya might just knock me over. -kisses her forehead- I'm sure Doxie, and my parents, won't mind you staying at my place for an hour or so. It is a Friday after all.
Escapade: Well, let's go then! ^^~ -grabs his hand, starts running-
Xerox: -smiles-{That's my girl.}
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