Routines since I moved in

Biting 3-15 Times a day

Starving myself/going to bed hungry

Crying self to sleep

Planning how to kill them

Wondering how a cigarette tastes

Leaving the house without telling anyone and no one bothering to care

Suicidal thoughts

Reminding myself why I suffer

Working myself to the bone at my job and not wanting to leave

Not wanting to do anything but sleep and have sex when I am 'home'

Trying as hard as I can to not refer to this place as my home

Home Part 2

So, I absolutely love it here <3 My motivation is back; I've been learning dances, studied for two hours of my own free will. My confidence is back, too, ever since I got that haircut yesterday. I haven't had a haircut since before Easter 2013, and oh my goodness she did such a great job <3 I actually want to wear my natural hair out in public more often, and my confidence boosted. 8D I even got a few look-overs from intrigues people in the mall as I walked by.

There's so many shopping districts here, too. There's two malls, about 6 or 7 shopping districts/strip malls, and fast food places/restaurants out the ying-yang within 15 minutes of here! I've easily spent 200 already, but everything was worth it and counted as a birthday gift to myself. I barely get out and shop for myself anymore, other than for necessities like food. If Love and I moved here, we'd have no problem finding jobs. I could transfer to a Wawa up here(though I have never worked at a gas store before 8D') and get a job on the side, and Love could apply for a supermarket or retail. There's so many places around to apply to, so we'd have a lot of opportunities.

I haven't spoken to him about it yet, let alone asked my parents. I want to do my research first; I'd like to see how easy it would be to transfer stores and if my benefits will still count, ways to get everything to my parents house as easily as possible, the nearest schools and bus systems in PA. I'd like him to come visit first, see what he thinks. My father allowed a change to the no-boyfriends-sleeping-over rule, but he'd have to sleep in the basement(which once we get furniture and stuff down there will be like a mini-apartment.) If my parents can see how good he treats me, how much potential he has, they might consider when I ask if we could move in and either he or the both of us would pay rent.

I'm going to talk it over with him, definitely. Perhaps sooner if my depression comes back right after I go back to Jersey. I think it would do us both good to get out of such a stressful environment and actually move on in our lives. Start paving the way for if and when we get our own place, and whatever may follow afterwards.

I'm just not sure where to start. -sweatdrop-

We Could Be The Same:.

The air is still, almost suffocating as the kunoichi makes her way through the forest. Being the morning before the scheduled invasion, it was no time to do what she was planning. She was playing a fool's game, and she knew it. Each breath stabs her upon intake, and her body becomes heavier with each jump. {It's not too late to turn back, child.} Her father's serpentine voice slithers through her mind, and she almost considers listening. She would be killed in an instant for betraying, not to mention the damage that would be done to the toad sage and his little tadpole of a son. She jumps up higher as she reaches the gate, swiftly and flawlessly despite the weight of her nerves. The daughter of Orochimaru, nervous? It was almost laughable.

Making sure her markings were covered and hair hidden beneath a wool cap, with her body cloacked in a black cape, she zipped through the villiage towards the familiar bush in front of the house she knew all too well. Her eyes closed and breathing stilled as she listened for signs of life in the house. It was still painfully early, almost four in the morning. She could probably sneak in and kill them both without being traced, and though an amusing thought, that was not her objective today. Her objective was one even more costly than taking a life.

Her objective was to save one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clink.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

Bright blue eyes flutter open to the strange sound coming from outside. With a groan, a shirtless boy slips out of his bed and trudges outside. {What the heck is hitting the house so early? It's not nearly the season for hail..} He scans the side of the house, listening all the while.

Clink.

He is by the bush in front by the time he hears it again. With a confused glance at the bush,  he picks up a pebble and throws it. "Who's there?" He whispers, staying still as the shadow emerges. It takes several seconds before he notices the long strands of hair falling from the cap, and the figure behind the cloak. He takes a step towards her, getting nothing in response. Again he tries, and nothing. They are face-to-face when she finally moves, swiftly taking the cap off and letting her hair curtain her eyes.The girl refuses to show any emotion as they stand there in silence. With a sigh, he scratches the back of his head. "Why are you here, Kinari?" He's tired, confused, but still a bit happy to see her.

"We need to talk. Preferably not out in the open." her voice is husky, but soft as she carefully chooses her words. "Is your father home?" A nod from the boy ignites a sigh from his lover. He rubs his eyes before speaking.

"Teleport to my room. I'll lock the door."

With that said, moments later, they were in the oh-so-familiar room that they spent several evenings in. This time it was different. Anxiousness hung thick in each corner, heavy and harmful. Kinari's cloaknow littered the floor where she stood, back to him, fingers interlaced while he stared at her from behind. It felt like a year before the snake spoke.

"You need to postpone the mission." She didn't need to look to know that his eyes were now wide, lips slightly parted in surprise. She adds quickly, "I knew about it since the second day I met you. It wasn't hard to gather the information. But regardless, you mustn't go tomorrow."

"And why not?" Takeshi now stood behind her, begging unspoken for her eyes to meet his. She denies his request, closing her eyes as she spoke. The air around her was poison filling her lungs with each intake of breath.

"I won't be able to control myself if you do in fact show up. My father and I ready for a bloodbath, and not of our own blood. Catch us while we're off guard.." Her hands fly apart and re-position in front of her. Her heart is hammering her mind into it's grave, slowly but surely. "And we might be able to spare you for a little longer." She couldn't say it. She couldn't say the absolute truth of her request, and so she locked her jaw as the silence grew around them.

"Kinari.." The way he spoke her name didn't send a blush as it normally did. No, it made her scared. Why the hell did she not turn back when she had a chance? Why did she go through all of this trouble? Why did she lo--

A soft, sweet kiss on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and brought her eyes to open. He nestled her in his embrace, warm and comforting. "For you I will at least try to talk to my dad. Because honestly, I don't want to have to fight you. If I had to hurt you, well, I'd rather not see you at all." He is calm as he speaks, his mouth tickling the corner of her ear. Very carefully he steps around to meet her eyes, to soak in all of the emotion pouring out of them. Not once before this had he seen her so vulnerable. Human. Yes, she was human, despite being born into a monster's bloodline. "But for now, can you stay?"

"Thank you. But I can't." Her eyes dart away, yet she does not move. "If he finds out I left.."

"This isn't about Orochimaru." Just hearing the name made the both of them cringe. "Forget about him. Forget about my father. Right now, right this very moment, it's just about you and I. Kinari and Takeshi." a finger gingerly slides up the kunoichi's neck to her chin, lifting her face to his. Their lips are centimeters from touching, yet neither of them move. After a moment's time, very slowly, the girl wraps her arms around him, and with a smile he picks her up wedding-style and gingerly places her upon the soft sheets. He kneels next to her on the bed, smoothing out her hair and staring into those golden eyes. His eyes follow hers down and he laughs lightly, taking her cue to remove her shirt. For the first time, his eyes survey her body in awe, not lust, and again their eyes meet. His voice is so calm, so light as he speaks. "I don't even wish to take you right now.. I just want to take in your beauty and embed it into my mind. I never want to forget you." He frowns as tears fell from her eyes, and kisses them away. "Kinari-chan, please don't cry. Was it something I said? I didn't mean for you to--"

"Just shut up and kiss me, dork." With her famous smirk fading into a loving smile, she brings her lips to his and kisses him with every emotion. There is no use of tongue, no biting this time around, just pure kisses getting deeper with each one. They part, and Kinari chuckles. "Enough talk, Takeshi. Words are fleeting." she kisses his forehead. "This might be the last time we meet.." she kisses his cheek. "So let's treat this time like our first should have been.No lust. Just.. love.." His eyes widen with overwhelming joy and he nearly suffocates her with a hug. They laugh as she pulls him close, on top of her, and smile into a precious kiss. Her heart feels so weightless right now, as if all of the guilt, the deceit, evaporated and left nothing but a cloud of sweet air. This is no longer a ruse to get information and a good lay, no. This is more. This is pure, almost innocent, love. A feeling she had never felt before.


The two, completely spent, lay together legs entwined and eyes locked. Tears stained both of their faces, and their hearts still beat fiercely. This was the last time they would be together before the battle. This was the last time Kinari would ever say that she loved him. This was the last time they would be happy and remotely at peace. The next time they met would be a battle to the death. And they knew this so well they could taste the spoiled blood, their stomachs churning. Takeshi closed his eyes and buried his face into the nape of her neck, sighing deeply. "The sun should be rising any minute now. You need to go, and I need to think of a plan." His words were gentile as he slipped away from her, allowing her to stand. "I will do anything I can to stop our attack."

Hesitantly getting dressed, the kunoichi avoided his eyes in fear that she would cry again. She couldn't cry in front of him. She couldn't cry for him. She had to harden her heart again and face him with the strongest steel, be it later that day or on a different date. "We will be ready for you. Don't let your guard down and neither will we." The coldness in her words completely shatters the warmth in the room. "You are warned. Takeshi." And with that, she vanishes from the room.

Home

As some people may know, come the 17th, I'm visiting my parents for the first time in PA. I never got to see the house in the five months that they've lived in it, minus pictures from before they moved in, so I'm rather excited for that. Plus I get to see my feline sisters again <3 Oh my god I missed them so much.

But the main reason I'm going is for my own health. I have been really emotionally and physically icky the past month or so, and not just when my monthly demon rolls around. My suicidal/murderous side has started to crawl back to me, and I started losing motivation in everything- work, studying, dubbing, etc.

It's not because of my love at all, no. Love has been the most understanding, patient and kind person in the world. It's because of his incompetent father and grandfather who at this point should be dead(according to health problems), a loudmouth mother who doesn't have any consideration for anyone and always blows up over EVERYTHING. Someone is sick in this house every week, and to go a day let alone five hours without yelling or door slamming being heard is a miracle. Even my best moods have been ruined because of these stupid things. This stress is carrying into my workspace and is over-all unpleasant. I've bitten so many times since I moved in that the patch of skin is practically rubber and permanently miscoloured. 

Already I can feel the wear of living here in the place in which I'll never consider a home with people who I'll never consider family(minus Love and perhaps his brother). I've been wanting to visit my folks for months, and finally I have the chance.

I have contemplated moving in with them. If this visit does as much good as I think it's going to, and if I get all of my stress back once I return to Jersey, I'm getting right back on that bus and going home(to PA). I can find a job, keep up my self studying until I can afford culinary school. My love and I will have to stomach a long distance relationship until one of us finds an apartment and has the other move in. I know we can do it. I really believe.

Futures

Every so often, I check his page just to see how he's doing in this world.

His page, along with our other old friend. She's still beautiful, still going strong. She's forming her own business and trying to get somewhere in the world.I'm so proud of her.

He's in college now, and already doing so well. I'm so proud of him.

Then, there's me.. I guess each group of three friends has that one who is worse of than the other two, the weak link, so to speak. I'm not in school, I don't have any real ambitions or accomplishments that make me as set for the future as these two.

I have a man who loves me, a job I love, but I've had that for years. No real progression in my future has happened other than moving away from my hometown and family to keep said job and love.

I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I don't know what I want my future to be like. And it saddens me.

I feel lost, stunted. And maybe I am.

But seeing these two grow, to see how proud they make people, it gives me comfort.

If only a little.

What I write when I have a song on repeat.

Hello my love, it's been a while.
Hoping all is alright on this evening,
even though I cannot exactly ask.
Sad to say, I've been thinking of you;
Wondering how you fare as an adult,
in college, driving, free. Without myself
as a friend to comfort you if you are troubled,
Yet I'm positive you have no worries just yet.

I apologize for breaking that promise I made,
though unspoken, about leaving you alone
to live your life. It pains me when I feel
the urges to say 'Ey', or like a post of yours,
and I pity myself when I do just that.
You don't need me, I know this, love.
I'm sure we don't need each other.
I made a huge step by not sending
you a letter this summer, however.

It still warms my heart to know
you are alright. I smile when I see posts
about your adventures as an adult,
I share your happiness and exhaustion.

I listened to songs of you, so to say,
as they tackled me with nostalgia
of stories we'd tell, of the days when
it wasn't a crime to talk to you.
When it was all innocent, naive,
when we didn't have worries
of the later years.

I wish I could speak to you as if
we were still that innocent, love.
Yet with so much history you could write
a text book about us, so much learned
from these past years, we've grown silent
and time together fleeting. It's for the best,
my sweet. You and I know this well.

I share a bed with a man I love.
It's funny how, years ago,
we both dreamed of waking up in
each others arms with a smile and kiss.
My dear, I don't want us to be lovers.
Can we forget that desire ever existed?
Can we go back to casual conversations,
laughing, loving each other like siblings?

Can we go back to our innocence,
before the history, before the silence,
and meet once again?

Healing, and other Updates

For those who actually read my previous post and are wondering, Things did get mended up.

I've been much kinder to him, he's been as tolerant as he always is(which is extremely well, minus that one day), and the fact that our work schedules keep us from seeing each other much is actually really helping. I still have my fears, and I'm wondering if he has them as well, but we haven't spoken about them since that night. I honestly try not to think of them. When I let my fears take over who I am as a person, things turn ugly and end even quicker. Happened when I was with LS, I believe happened with 3 as well, and in other every day, non-relationship circumstances.

I just recently got over my fear of wearing wigs, that reminds me. (The night we had that argument I was wearing my wig, so I kinda associated the badness with the wig and didn't want to wear it again. Hell, I almost threw it out). I'm back to wearing one more often than not, back to cospunking and everything. The other day I cosplayed as Miku at a fair, only since I threw my pigtails out, I used one of my pigtails from a wine red wig, and got alot of compliments. ^^ I really love cosplaying and cospunking.

I've been enjoying my summer since then, working my ass off but still finding time for myself. I've seen a theatre production, gone canoeing, went on a cruise, free concerts, etc. and all has just been wonderful. I just got off of work from a 12 hour shiftt an hour ago, and I can't believe I survived XD But it was worth it, they really appreciated it(especially since I volunteered before they even considered asking), plus I think I got an hour of overtime snuck in. T'sall good yupyup.

I'm trying not to fall asleep for another two hours, so I'm trying to find things to do =w= I might go shoot some hoops after this post, since I have a basketball that I haven't gotten to use yet.

I just wanted people to know, if they actually read this, that I'm doing well and things are back to being sparkle-worthy.

<3

There's always that one simple thing that changes your outlook completely.

For me, it was the closest thing to a fight that I've had with him. Only two sentences.

And one word I refuse to repeat.The word makes me cringe, and the fact that it was used against me..

"If you call me that again I'm leaving."

I meant it. And right after, I cried. And cried. And cried. I've never sobbed so hard. He tried to console me, almost getting teary-eyed as well.

And then, one by one, all of my fears kept spewing out from my mouth.

"I'm no good for you."

"I don't want to drive you away."

"You don't deserve being treated like this."

"I'm sorry.."

I couldn't get through work without crying, no matter how hard I tried. Even now I'm still shaken.

Just a simple word made me terrified that our relationship was over. A single insult. A true insult. My fault. My fault. My fault.

I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. I try to keep on a fake smile for work, for peers, for him. I need to make him believe that I forgive him.Make him believe everything's alright.

But I know it isn't.

I don't think it will be.

Too Cold For Angels to Fly Chapter Five

We're in our old apartment, Angel and I. Playing a silly game of Batman-themed Trouble that we bought at a dollar store, and enjoying our ice cream sundaes. Her face is full of life, her eyes sparkling behind her thick-framed glasses. Her hair is pixie short, and she's wearing my class ring as a necklace. A school couple's traditional sign of commitment, yes, but she never asked for anything more, and I never thought about it. School first, family later; That was my way of thinking.

I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.

It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. She's asking for something. They argue for a bit, but then he sighs a defeated sigh and hands her a wad of cash. She smiles, kisses him, then throws the money into her messenger bag. I can't close my eyes as I watch him do things to her that only I should've done. My blood is boiling as he tears her bra and panties clean off, sucking at her neck as they position themselves on the bed. I look at her face. She looks like she's enjoying it, but I see deeper. She's terrified. She doesn't want him to continue. He's too rough, too thirsty for her, too drunk. I watch the entire X rated scene, tears streaming down my face. "Make it stop." I say again. It turns into a yell to block out her moaning and his grunting. "Make it STOP!"

My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.

I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.

I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?

Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..

Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts.  With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.

"That doesn't even begin to describe it."

"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. Despite everything, I smile. She raises an eyebrow at me.

"It's nothing." I wave it off, and she smirks as if to say 'liar'. She still knows me too well. With a yawn she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I laugh again. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.

I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'.  It was true, at the time.

 A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."

"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."

I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.

Won't there?

I love him.

I did what I always do, look back at old messages and notes I sent on old sites back when I was still in High School. Only this time, it was different.

Instead of looking at the chatplays between LS and I, I read all of the messages Love and I have shared. They still make me smile to this day, even more so than before. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize what we had sooner. That I gave him up so easily back then.

If I didn't, maybe I never would have realized how much he means to me. We never would've gotten this far, never would have moved in together. Maybe it still would have ended the same way. It doesn't matter anymore.

What matters is knowing how much I meant to him back then, and how that really didn't change. How fate found us, made us innocent lovers, brought someone else into the mix to change that, but made sure that somehow, someway, we found a way back into eachother's hearts, eachother's arms. I can't imagine leaving him. Can't imagine anything tearing us apart, no matter how crazy life is right now.

The fact that, as of July 10th, we will be celebrating our 2nd year still surprises me. Technically it's even longer than that. Technically, we've been emotionally together since we first started dating in 08(Even if I was too foolish to realize it back then.) It's so different, and yet, it's not.

In our first go, it started and ended on DeviantART. We were still kids, so we were more of the sappy cute innocent romantics. We never discussed intimacy or cybered, the extent was making out in real life and using the 'smooch' and 'hug' emoticons online. We barely hung out due to driving restrictions and school. I mean, more often than not we would spend time together outside of the school with our friends, and we went on groupdates with friends and my mom(being our chauffeur). On the days when we did hang out at my house, it was all innocent. Video games, him playing his guitar for me, cuddling on the floor. The making out only occured the last few times we hung out before the break up, but even then, it was practically minimal. No heavy touching. I don't even remember if we used tongue or not. The intimacy didn't matter to me back then. I honestly think I was still too scared to even want to think about it in real life.

So, like any horny confused teenager, I confided in cybering. But I'm pretty sure you all have read this in previous entries(Hah, like anyone will actually read this let alone my other posts.) That intimacy with my cybermate ended up taking it's toll on my real life relationship. Started confusing the lust for love. So we broke up. I shattered the poor kid's heart and I'm pretty sure something inside me died that night as well.

So, when we rekindled our love, it was the same, only different. We were older, so intimacy increased. Slowly, but it increased. He was the only one I wanted. Is the only one I want. We started going on more frequent dates, now that I had a job and money and my mom didn't mind driving us around. We'd spend hours cuddled next to eachother on the bed, just talking, and it was great. Simple. Still is. We took our relationship slow enough that we wouldn't end up crumbling again. We were in love. Are in love. Again, it's simple. Sweet. Perfect. Fate.

We've had a few arguments since we've moved in together about a month ago. Stress, not from us necessarily being together, but from the family in general. From home sickness, bitterness, my period. =w=' But we got through the trivial stuff. Nothing serious has came up, yet, but I'm sure we'll be alright if it does.

We've talked about our future already. Finding ourselves a place, maybe adopting a child, definitely having more pets. Maybe getting married, you never know, but not having a fancy wedding or any real celebration at all. Or something cute like getting engaged, having an engagement party, and then just staying engaged the rest of our lives. =w= But whatever would happen, it would be us. Him and I, together, until the end. I truly believe this, as does he.

And I smile upon our second year, and hold it close to my heart.

After close to two weeks

I'm starting to realize what living with someone does to a relationship.

I mean, the feelings are still there, don't get me wrong. But bickering becomes much more frequent. Time when you really wish that you could be alone, other times wishing you could be close, even if you're still in the same room. The intimacy level dropped staggeringly low already(then again, we still have a tarp for a door, but still), and the stress levels increased.

Not to mention the stuff that indirectly hits the relationship. Like his parents, particularly his mom. Not only does she not have a filter or a noise setting other than 'really fucking loud'(and has woken us up on multiple times), but she's just really trying my patience. Maybe it's just because I miss my mom. I dunno.

I've been keeping in touch with my family regularly. I want to see them, get away from my stress for a tiny bit. Though that won't happen until the next time they come down here so they can pick me up, or until I learn how to drive.

I really don't like how stressed out I've been lately. I can't control my emotions, and I've been biting non-stop for a few days, and snapping at him. He's very tolerant of this and knows why I do it, but I feel horrible for doing it and not being able to control myself.

I wish I could have a day for myself. No one else in the house, nothing to stress about, no interaction with anyone.

Perhaps that's a bit too much to ask for.

Settling In:.

I've been completely moved into my new residence with Love and his family since Thursday night. Though alot of tears were shed, I have the best support system backing me up and things are running smoothly.

I was mostly concerned for my kitten-daughter Yossie, who hasn't been eating or going to the bathroom the past couple of days, but she's starting to get used to the room, and is finally starting to eat a bit. She's extremely clingy today and I love it, because it means she's starting to accept our new home.

The best part that warms my heart though, is that she's been really clingy towards Love as well, rubbing up against his leg and letting him pet her. It makes me feel much more comfortable about leaving her when I go to work. He's really a great father when it comes to Yossie.

I honestly wouldn't have kept my sanity if not for him. He's been so kind and supportive, and helping me out with whatever he can. If it wasn't clear that he loved me before, it sure is now. I can't imagine life without him. And I don't need to, because I know that whatever happens, we'll be together.

I've been starting to plan my future, though I still have a bit of settling in to do. My main concerns are driving and getting health insurance, followed by education and fitness. I'm really considering trying to find a culinary school, or see if the vocational school has anything of the like. Perhaps if I go to a legit college in the future like I planned I'll go for Japanese, but for right now, culinary and looking into my basics at OCC are the most important. And with fitness, just so I can avoid doctors' appointments and get rid of the huge gut that sticks out more than my chest, I'm considering joining a health club or fitness center. On top of cooking and regulating my own meals, I should get healthier in no time.

All the while I'll be saving up for a few important things. Said things:
~Car
~Japan Trip(if it is to happen again)
~Any bills I might need to pay in the forseeable future, such as my phone and rent
~Apartment

The last one I'm not too entirely concerned with at the moment, because I know that sooner or later the two of us will find our own place and be able to settle down. But it's still good to think about and plan, ne?

That's really all I have to report right now. Thanks for reading. <3

The Stress of Moving

is really getting to me.

I was sick with bronchitis/ a throat infection(I believe I was, anyway. I couldn't go to the doctor) two weeks ago, and am still slowly getting over it. I'm sure the reason I'm not healed is because I literally have no time to actually rest. Between packing/moving my furniture and boxes into Love's house, work, cooking, cleaning, and pass-out sessions that really don't help at all, I feel even more run down than I did when I was sick.

I have until tomorrow to get the rest of my crap out of my house, and I can't even do that because I work 2-11. The moving truck for my parents comes on Tuesday around 8 in the morning, leaving very little time for my dad to help me bring everything over. My coworkers have helped, but I still have the bulk of my furniture- my computer desk, hutches, and dresser- to move, and all the people with trucks can't help me until it's too late.

Plus, the fears of being on my own are getting to me. It's not necessarily myself that I'm worried about, either. With me staying here and my sister moving to Florida, my mom won't have any of her children close to her. And with my dad working 24/7 as a district manager, he'll barely be home. What if she gets incredibly sick again and no one can take care of her? I was able to help her last time, being able to go to the store and buy her what she needed, and cook for her and keep the house and cats under control. But she won't have me to look after her. It terrifies me to think that something could happen to her that wouldn't have if I moved in with them.

Love is making things much easier to take, though. I have no doubts about living with him, though it will take a bit of getting used to. He's done so much for us already regarding the whole moving situation, and just today he mowed the lawn for us. He's been reassuring me that everything will be alright, and I believe him. I met his father for the first time yesterday. He seemed genuinely happy because I made his son happy, and was glad that I was moving in. That also gave me a tiny bit of peace-of-mind.

I'm still worried, stressed, and probably won't be able to have a day to myself for a looooooooooong while, but I have hope that everything will be alright.

Too Cold For Angels to Fly, Chapter Four

We get back to the house in an hour's time, and not a moment too soon. My phone starts ringing as soon as I get into the driveway. Turning the car off, I reach into my pocket and answer, glancing at Angel. It was obvious that it was Jan on the phone, and with a little smirk, she got out of the car and walked into the house, leaving me to the conversation.

"The bitch still there? That's probably why you didn't call me all day." Jan's furious. I sigh, explain what happened only to get a bitter laugh in response. "Should've known it. She finally realized her calling."

"What the hell, Janna!" I snap, accidentally honking the horn out of my own anger. I sigh, trying to calm myself down. "I know you two don't get along, but this is serious. She's been on the streets for years, no one to turn to, a complete wreck. Why are you being so heartless?"

"I'm not losing you to her again." her voice is grave, the tiniest hint of a sob shining through on the last word."That little harlot almost destroyed our friendship in college. I'm not letting her get in the way of our life as a family."

I try to remain calm, rubbing my temple with the palm of my hand. "I understand. But promise me, love, you have nothing to worry about. We'll talk about this more when I pick you up from the airport tomorrow. Will you be okay flying?"

"Yes."

"Good. Call me when your flight takes off and I'll pick you up. I'll take you out for an early dinner at Olive Garden, just the two of us, alright?." I wait for a response, and receive a slightly happier Jan. "That's my girl. I love you very much. I'll text you tonight." I hang up, take a deep breath, and go back inside to face Angel. I already feel dead from the past few days, the energy sucked right out of me and replaced with concentrated stress.

 I open the door to find her in the dining room, two bowls on the counter, making her favorite sundae- key lime pie ice cream on top of a brownie with whipped cream and pieces of chocolate-covered waffle bowl. She looks so innocent, completely focused on the sundae, not even bothering to acknowledge me. I walk up to the counter and start making my own, a simple vanilla-chocolate sundae in a chocolate-covered waffle bowl with Hershey's syrup, and by the time I'm done, she's already scarfing her sundae down. I find myself laughing, and she just looks up at me confused, a piece of waffle cone hanging out of her mouth. Just like the good old high school days. Before Jan, before love, before life. We hold a semi-casual conversation about food while we finish our dessert, not once mentioning the clinic or her struggles. I'm a bit relieved, in all honesty. I'm too beat to deal with anything more today. I glance at the clock, four thirty, and silently consider taking a nap. She speaks.

"You look Zombified. You wanna go take a nap?" She puts her empty bowl in the sink, then makes her way to the couch. "I'll just chill here while you sleep. I might pass out myself."

I nod once, taking the last spoonful of ice cream. "I think that'd be best. I have to pick Jan up from the airport tomorrow around four, so you know." She suddenly tenses, digging her nails into her skin. I try not to pay much attention to it, putting my dish in the sink. "I'm going to be taking her out for supper. And then the day after I have to go back to work.."

"Will she really be okay with me staying here? I haven't been in the same room with her since Graduation, and even then we barely saw each other. She still hates me."

"I.. don't know." I sigh, leaning against the dining room wall. "She's upset that you've shown up unannounced. But she knows what you're going through."

"You told her?" She's angry, terrified, and now clawing her skin open. I walk up to her and take her hand, holding it away from the broken skin. She must be malnourished, for it to break that easily. I shake my head. "You know she's going to act as if I deserve this." It's almost as if she knows her better than I do.

"I needed to tell her. And I won't let her badmouth you, okay? You two can be civil, at least until the test results come back. I'll help you search for a place to live when the time comes." I slowly release her hand, and she runs it through her hair.

"Whatever. You go take your nap." Her eyes avoid mine as she says this, and I can't tell what she's thinking or planning. As much as I want to keep an eye on her, I'm fading fast. I simple nod, give her a weak hug, and trudge down to the hall to my bed.

I hit the bed, and completely black out.

Move Me.

While I was at the Steam Punk World's Fair on the 18th, I just so happened to see a musical artist by the name of Unwoman. In her little concert she played the electric cello and sang.

When I tell you this person is amazing, I truly mean it. With the voice of Bernadette Peters(one of my favourite actresses) and such a gift with the cello and piano, she gives me chills. I felt tranced while I was at the live.

And now, listening to her complete discography which I ordered on her official site in the form of a crystal USB, I'm being moved all over again. I could sit here in a mesmerized daze, wrapped in her music. She has such an impact on me that I cannot explain.

I feel a wave of emotions coming up out of nowhere, being sparked by each note, each lyric. Emotions and memories I never thought I could experience. I'm inspired. Frightened. Excited. Calm. Shaking. Still. I am all of these things at once from one talented person. Each song brings something new to me. I feel like drawing, writing, dancing, playing piano, anything I can to express how she makes me feel, and yet I'm frozen by the music. Suspended in her thoughts, her voice. Submerged in emotion.

It takes a lot to move me. But it takes even more to keep me still. And she has done both.

Official site- http://unwoman.com/index.html

Song I'm currently listening to- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n33uu8nuoZQ

Live footage- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jseFJYszyxc

Funny Little Crush:.

Not a real crush, but more of a celebrity one. As in, you know that you would never be with that person due to obvious reasons, but it makes you happy to crush over them, and you know it won't develop into anything more, so you let it happen anyway. The kind of crush that's fun to have. This is how it is with a co-worker of mine.

He is probably the cutest person(minus one girl whom I worked with while she was training to go to a different store, but I digress) that I've worked with in my three years at said store. Very sarcastic, outgoing, charismatic, and never fails to bring a smile to your face. He's that type of guy who can make friends just by walking into a room, not necessarily for his looks, but just because he's that genuine of a person. I find myself cheering silently when I get to work with him, and slightly sad when he leaves as I go in or vice-versa.

Oddly enough, he's like Life Support and Hex mixed into one. Only without the mysterious quality that both share. He's genuine through-and-through, and that may be why I find him so adorable. We have a little rivalry going on when we're on register, and it's quite enjoyable. Makes each hour there worth it, ya know? Even today, or rather especially today, while I was coughing up a storm and still not in my best of health. Working with him helped me through it. ^^

I'm really happy to have met this kid, and I'm just gonna let this little crush happen as I live the rest of my life.

Too Cold for Angels to Fly, Chapter 3

By the time I clear the snow off the car and we take off, it's 1pm. "You can put the radio on or shuffle through my iPod, if you want." My eyes don't leave the road until we're at the first light, then I chance looking in her direction. She takes a small orange iPod out of her jacket to my surprise, and pops it in. I look back to the road the moment it turns green, and keep my eyes on the road as we talk. "That's the same one you had in college, isn't it?"

"Surprised you remember. It was the only thing I didn't sell." She's starting to be more open to me regarding her situation. Too bad this really isn't the time I want to hear it. I keep focused on the road as she scrolls through her song list, landing on a very fitting song, The A Team by Ed Sheeran. She's lost in the lyrics, as if the artist wrote that song about her, and I really can't take it anymore. I don't want to accept what she's become. I don't want to know why, or how, or when, or what she's suffering from because of it. She could be rotting from STDs, drug withdrawal, hell, she could be pregnant for all I know. I can't concentrate on the road anymore, and park at the nearest store.Her voice is shaky. "Oliver?"

I scrunch my face with my hands, trying to clear my thoughts. She changes the song, something less depressing, and looks down at her lap. "I'm sorry." I mutter, taking a deep breath. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"I should be apologizing. I'm sure you could care less about this right now. I mean, this isn't a joyride to a casino or park." She pauses, looking out the window. "I wouldn't go through all this trouble if I were you. You have too much else to worry about. Too much to be excited for, to plan for. I'm a lost cause, Olli."

"No you're not." My words are strong. I look at her, but yet again she hides her eyes. She won't even meet my reflection through the window. "If you were a lost cause, I wouldn't have let you in. Wouldn't give a damn about throwing you into the cold without knowing where the hell you'd end up. You could've been dead these past few years and I never would have known!" Crap, I'm practically sobbing. The fact that she feels so worthless is pissing me off, making me even more at fault. I don't want to care. I don't want to worry. But I can't not worry about my best friend. Yes, she's still my best friend, after all these years. We sit in silence for a moment before I finally regain my composure, and back out of the parking lot. I avoid conversation, she avoids melancholy tunes, and we finish the rest of the drive in silence and confusion.

We arrive at the clinic after an exhausting car ride, right on schedule. We make our way inside in silence, with her leading the way. She glances back every so often, and I reassure her that I'm staying by her side. The waiting room  is that of a doctor's office, all pearl white walls and the light smell of lavender. She tenses up as she makes her way to the receptionist's desk, leaving me the honour of signing her in. The receptionist I spoke with on the phone was at the front desk, and welcomed us warmly, trying to hide her look of pity for Angel. "Will this be your first time getting an examination done?" Angel merely nods, blush spread upon her cheeks. The woman smiles and reaches out a hand for comfort. "It's nothing to be embarrassed or nervous about, dear. The procedures are simple, completely confidential, and we'll answer any and all questions you may have. Now before you see the doctor we'd like to run a blood test and get a urine sample. Is that alright?" she nods again, receiving another smile as a nurse meets her and escorts her into another room. The receptionist looks at me. "This might take a while, sweet. Make yourself comfortable, and don't worry about a thing."

I try not to. I genuinely do. Yet with posters and pamphlets in every corner, and the thoughts that still haunt me from the car ride, it isn't the easiest thing. I sit for a few minutes, pace for others, check the time more frequently than when I'm waiting for the oven timer to go off. After what feels like a full day of waiting, she's escorted out of the room, face scarlet with blush. "Thank you." she whispers to the nurse and receptionist, who smile back.

"As promised, we'll call you as soon as we receive your results. If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to call." The nurse hands her a card and a pamphlet before disappearing into the back. I put an arm around Angel to comfort her and, with a quick 'thank you' to the receptionist, we hurry out of the building. I don't ask her anything until we're both settled in the car.

"How'd it go?"

"Okay." she whispers. I cannot tell if she's being embarrassed or evasive, but I decide not to pester her anymore. She starts to open up as we drive. "They started with a simple interview before any tests were done, to make sure there wasn't something specific to check for. I'm not gonna get into the rest of the details, don't want you throwing up on your ride." We share a laugh before the mood turns bittersweet.

"And they have a number to reach you by?" From the corner of my eye I see her nod, and she taps on the jacket that they somehow let her keep.

"One of my clients gave me a phone to keep in contact. I just gave them that number." we reach a red light. I glance over at her, and she's looking out the window, clutching the phone. Her voice is frail yet again, her eyes shielded by her chestnut locks. "Probably not the best idea, though. If that phone rings and he hears it.."

"You're not going back to that lifestyle." Protective Oliver takes over, the tyrant that cares a bit too much.. Or do I? I mean, any other reasonable friend wouldn't want their other friend to be sleazing around with strange men for a couple hundred bucks, sometimes not even that. To be treated like a toy, a tool.. It drives me up the wall to think that such a lifestyle exists. For once, she doesn't protest. We drive in silence yet again, until I find the proper words. "If any of your clients call you, or look for you, I'll drive them off."

"You'd be killed."

"Better me than you."

Silence. I hear her starting to breathe heavy, said breathing turning into a cough, and go lighter on the gas pedal. The roads are still free of traffic. "Are you okay? I'll stop at a convenience store on the way home so you can get something to drink. We can get ice cream or something too. Perhaps make cookie sundaes?" I think back to the things that used to cheer her up, and sure enough, just the idea starts to do the trick.

"Thank you.Olli."

Too Cold For Angels to Fly, Continued

It's around ten in the morning when I decide to crawl out of bed. I barely slept, too busy thinking about the events from earlier. I must've checked on Angel at least four times,too, in fear that she would wake up and leave. I couldn't imagine what she would end up doing on her own, what she has been doing the past.. how long has she been prostituting? The thought sickens me, and the images flittering through my mind only add to the nausea. I pee, brush my teeth, and carefully pick up the coat that she left on the bathroom floor before going into the living room. She's still asleep, practically burying her face into the blanket, one leg sticking out of her little burrito. I can't help but laugh to myself- this is the girl I remember, the girl I lived with close to eight years ago. Huh, I never even realized it was that long.. We were 19 when we shared an apartment, in our first year of college. She graduated with her bachelors at 22, five years ago, while the rest of us pursued our Masters.To think that I really haven't seen her since then, that I was a stranger from then to now, is unsettling.

I shake my thoughts off and go right to work on finding the nearest clinic, as I promised her. About an hour away, but there probably won't be any traffic due to the blizzard. I look out the window and see the snow finally stopped, all of the cars still bombarded in it, but the roads have been salted an cleared. I make the call in my office on the other side of the house so she doesn't hear, and explain the best I could to the receptionist. I'm relieved to hear genuine concern in her voice simply because that means they won't cut any corners in examining her, and thank the lady several times before I end the call. They fit her in for a two o-clock appointment, leaving time for me to fix breakfast and let her sleep a bit more before we have to leave.  I don't waste any time as I prepare our breakfast, a bacon-and-cheddar omelet with a side of fruit. I hope she can stomach it, as I really don't know how her diet has been. I set the table, fix a cup of ginger ale for her and coffee for me, and make my way over to the couch once everything is ready.

"Good morning Angel." My voice is soft as I gently stroke her hair, receiving a slight groan in response. She shifts so her face is in the couch cushion, and I can't help but chuckle. "Your breakfast is getting cold."

She slowly perks her head up at the word breakfast, blinks a few times, and assesses where she is. It takes her a second to remember, and sighs, picking herself off the couch and unraveling from her blanket. "You didn't have to cook anything, Oliver." She mumbles as she hypocritically walks over to the table, holding her stomach. "But thank you." She adds, and without any hesitation starts to dig in. I join her, all the while watching in amusement as she scarfs her food down.

"Careful, A. You'll end up swallowing the fork too." She looks up at me with a sarcastic smile, shoving another piece of egg down her throat. She finishes the whole thing before I even finish half. I offer her some more fruit, and she nods, eating practically everything that I give her. I dare to ask, "When did you actually eat a full meal last?" She shrugs, fork-in-hand, and pops one last strawberry in her mouth.

"Atleast a month." She answers mid-chew, looking away. I finish my meal in silence s she stares at her glass of ginger ale. When I finish, almost instinctively, she stands up and grabs our plates and puts them in the sink before I can even protest. "You've done so much for me already. I should atleast clean up before I leave."

"I hope you don't assume you're leaving today. As I told you, I'm taking you to the clinic. Jan'll bite my head off, but I'd feel safer if you stay until your results come in." She looks uneasy as she hears this, and our eyes meet again. She remains quiet, her gaze not leaving mine, then sighs in defeat.

"Thank you." The only two words she can muster, yet I know there's much more she's wanting to say. I pat her shoulder, smile, and start going into the hallway.

"I'm gonna take a quick shower, if you don't mind. The remote's on top of the TV, feel free to watch it while you wait." She nods with a quiet thank you, and by the time I return, she's glued to the Nicktoons channel with the most relaxed face I've seen since I let her in. I never realized how cute she was, all frumped up in that purple sweatsuit, her hair tucked behind her ears, hands on her knees as she watches a rerun of Fairly Oddparents. Jan would gauge my eyes out if she knew what I was thinking. I don't blame her. I startle Angel with a sigh, our eyes meet again, and the two of us laugh nervously. "Sorry." I flip open my phone, and see that somehow it's already close to one. "We should get going, your appointment is at two." I look her top-to-bottom again. "Are you alright in those? I'll grab you one of my jackets too."

"I'm perfectly fine with the one I brought, thank you." I hear a bit of stubbornness in her tone, and knowing I can't argue, I fetch the old thing for her. It smells like booze, drugs, and semen. How the hell does she wear this? I want to protest, but she grabs it and throws it on before I can even say a word. Looks like Jan's not getting her sweats back. I can't help but chuckle, and she raises an eyebrow at me. I shake my head, grab my jacket and keys, and unlock the door.

And thus begins the most unsettling hour in a car in my entire life.

Too Cold for Angels to Fly:.Random Story Scene

There were days where I imagined meeting her again, but never like this. It's been about five or so years after we graduated college, the whole lot of us. I haven't spoken to her, let alone seen her, since we parted ways in every meaning. I ended up married and expecting before I even knew it, with a steady job at a research lab, but as for her.. well, I never expected to see her at my doorstep on such a winter's night.

She leaves a gentle knock on the door, three soft thumps. It is about twenty past midnight, and the noise caught me just as I was about to go to bed. "Just a minute." I call, not hearing anything in reply. For the heck of it I glance out the window to look for a car, but see nothing that hasn't been covered by a mound of snow. I simply shrug it off and make my way over to the door. Before I unlock it I speak again. "Who's there?"

"A friend." Her voice is soft yet gravely, as if she hadn't slept in weeks, but just from her tone I know immediately who it is. I feel myself tense up as I reach for the lock, and try to keep calm as I  look at my former best friend. She's shorter than I remember, her once short hair is now in dark tangles down to her elbows. She's covered from the neck down in a large man's leather coat, completely zipped so that all you can see of her body was her feet, adorned with black heels. She refuses to look up at me, staring at her feet the whole time, and steps inside. I close the door behind her, yet keep it unlocked as I fish for something to say. She does so for me. "It's been a long while, Oliver. Forgive me for stopping by so late, and unanounced. I haven't your number anymore."

She's talking way too formally, carefully. Sure we didn't end on the best of terms, but it's obvious something's not right by the way she picks her words, and how she still won't look up at me. I motion to the couch. "Have a seat. Want some tea or anything?"

"A beer, if you please." She's not joking. I shake my head, but oblige, all the while looking at her. This wasn't the sweet, sarcastic, friendly girl that braved through high school with me, the girl I actually shared an apartment with during our first year of college. This was a broken soul, a mysterious stranger with the voice of an Angel. After getting her one and myself a bottle of coke, I sit opposite of her and try to make our eyes meet. Her stubbornness is the only quality she still has, it seems, as she still won't grant me her gaze. I sigh.

"So what brings you here, Angel? Or rather a lighter question to start out, how did you get here?" She doesn't make a sarcastic comeback at my own remark. After taking a long, savoring sip of the beer, she answers.

"Just felt like reconnecting with a familiar face is all. I was passing by on my walk home.."

"Walk? In this snowstorm? It's bad enough to be driving out there." I don't know how I didn't notice this, but she's sopping wet and shivering from the cold. Without a second thought I get up to grab her a towel. "Were you on your way home from work?" I call from the hallway.

"You could say that." I cringe at those words, feeling the worst possible meaning behind them. I sigh, making my way back with a towel and a blanket. She thanks me quietly as she dries her hair, draping the blanket over the rest of her. "But enough about me. What's new in your world?"

She's starting to warm up to me. Chuckling inwardly at my own pun, I smile lightly, looking towards a picture on the wall. "I'm married now. I've been for about two years, and my wife's expecting a baby." Probably not what she wanted to hear, especially considering her current condition, but it's the first thing that popped into my head. "I've been working for the research lab down the street as well, practically right after college."

She smiles, yet it doesn't shine through to her voice. "I knew you'd get that job.. It's all you ever talked about once we were in college." She remains quiet for a minute, then quickly glances up at me before looking right back down at the ground. "You seem to be doing just fine."

"And you?"

This time she shoots me a look, and our eyes finally meet. I see such pain, weakness in these eyes that I haven't seen since the day she moved out of my apartment. I feel a stab of guilt stronger than any knife, and she can tell. With a sigh she looks away,smoothing out her hair. "..I've had my hardships. But I'm alive, that's all that matters, right? Anyway, where's the lucky woman now? She'd probably flip seeing you with me.. It's Jan, isn't it?" I've almost forgotten that they knew each other.

"Yes. And she's visiting her parents right now. But enough about her, enough about me. Something's not right, and I want you to tell me."

"Bossy as ever, huh." I don't know if it's her or the beer talking, as this is the kind of remark I'd expect from her years ago. She takes a deep breath, stretches out the exhale as if taking a drag from a cigarette. "Let's just say I'm not doing as well as I should."

"Elaborate."

Silence.

"Angel!" I'm getting ticked off now, and I'm just about to pester her more when I see a tear stream down her left cheek. She shakes her head violently, trying her hardest not to cry, stifling her sobs. My expression softens and I walk up to her, putting a hand gently on her shoulder and kneeling down to meet her gaze. Only now is it evident from being this close that she reeks of sex and abuse. I bite my lip, shaking my head. "Angel.. You haven't.." I then realize she hasn't taken her jacket off. Pain strikes me again. "Are you wearing clothes underneath that?"

She shakes her head again, eyes closed, tears falling. I want to cry too, realizing that my best friend.. my first love.. was consumed by demons, her own and those of hungry men. My Angel, tainted by the devil.Part of me knows I'm the one to blame. I hold her close, cradle her in my arms for what seems like an eternity before she gently pushes away from me. "I should leave."

I look at the clock, a few minutes past one. The storm is still howling out there, and from the looks of it, she doesn't have a home to go back to. I shake my head, looking into her eyes and brushing her tears away. "I can't let you leave in your state. I'm calling Jan up, and you're staying here for the night.. You can go take a bath and borrow our clothes. "

"I really--"

"I am not throwing you back on the streets!" I dare raise my voice at her, and feel tears start to threaten my eyes. "I'm getting you to a clinic in the morning, whether you like it or not. We're getting you checked, and then I'm getting you help. And there's nothing you can say to change that." I calm myself down, not once taking my eyes off of her."Please, Angel. Let me help."

She takes a deep breath, and exhales away from me so I don't smell the alcohol any more than I already do. "I have no choice, do I?" Somehow her playful tone is back, and I can't help but smile. I help her to the bathroom, tell her to call me if she needs anything, and make my way to the phone. Jan's gonna be pissed, not just because it's the middle of the night, but because of who it is. Those two really never were the friendliest to each other, to put it lightly. I wait to hear the sound of running water before I dial the number. The phone rings four times and is answered mid-fifth.

"Babe..? What the hell are you calling me for this early?"

I take a deep breath. "I got an unexpected visit from an old friend who really isn't in the best of shape. I wanted you to know I'm letting her spend the night. If I could lend her--"

"HER? Oh don't tell me it isn't that bitch from your past." I figured she'd say something like that, and I just let her finish ranting before I continue.

"She's in a horrible place right now, Janny. And with the blizzard outside, I can't just throw her back out on the streets. I promise you nothing will happen. May I borrow some clothes for her?"

She sighs loudly, making my ear twitch. "Yeah, whatever. Give her that ugly purple set your mom got me for Christmas. I trust you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. Love you." I hang up the phone, laughing a tiny bit at her closing remarks. The water has stopped running by the end of my ten minute call. I knock gently on the bathroom door. "You okay in there, A?"

"I'm fine. Thank you." She's starting to sound much better already, and I can't help but smile.

"You want anything to eat? I could whip something up for you."

"Nah. Just clothes and a nap will be more than enough." She goes underwater for a minute, making me nervous, but comes up with a small splash and an added "Thank you". I run and fetch the pair of sweats that Jan 'graciously' gave up, which weren't even taken out of the box, grab a spare towel and new toothbrush from the towel closet, And knock on the door again.

"I have a spare towel for you, and a toothbrush and the clothes. should I just leave them outside the door?" I hear the drain being pulled out of place and a splash of water before she asks me to pass it to her when she opens the door. I listen carefully, making sure that she doesn't slip or fall, and after I give her the items I make my way back to the living room. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all that went on, simply because I didn't expect it. A part of me felt like I was solely to blame for her path choices, not her. That if she didn't leave all those years ago, if I didn't make her leave, she would still be fine. Even if we weren't together, she wouldn't have gotten into her old ways. Wouldn't have been jobless and forced to sell herself to make it by. I lean against the front door, itching for a cigarette, but I fight my urge. I gave it up for Jan's sake and the baby's sake. I wonder, would I have given it up if it was Angel?

Would I have married Angel? Damn it brain, it doesn't matter anymore. I left her. She didn't believe in marriage anyway, and I'm sure she didn't think that we'd last anyway. I didn't. I didn't..

"What are you doing?"

I jump out of my skin, slapping the door out of surprise, making her jump as well. "Oh crap, sorry. You startled me." I look her over from top to bottom. Funny enough she actually makes the sweats work for her, despite them being a bit over-sized. Her hair is slightly less tangled, almost straightened, from the water, and her skin is clear and clean. Amazing what a bath can do, huh? She smiles at me, and I immediately smile back. "You should get to bed. It's late."

"Alright." She plops on the couch without a second thought, burritos herself into the blanket(like how she used to when we lived together), and closes her eyes. I turn off the light, lock the door, and start heading to my room when I hear her soft, sweet voice.

"None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."

And with that, she falls asleep.

I knew I shouldn't have looked back.

But I did, just to see if the messages were still there. They were, and despite knowing how I'd get, I read them anyway.

It was obvious from our messages that we didn't truly love each other. Atleast, back then. I just wanted you, as you wanted me. But as a youngin, with my certain beliefs and the feeling that what I did online was just as real as real life, I took that as love. I took that as having to be faithful no matter what, because you were my 'first'. I didn't want to lose you because with my beliefs, my first would be my last, whether it was real life or online. You being even younger than me, though certainly not acting it, also confused lust for love.. or did you?

From the text, it seemed like you knew all too well that it was only lust. Your choice of words, etc. Even though you told me you loved me, that was just instinct- the only thing that could be said after everything.

We got older. We grew apart. I realized that even though my feelings for you were real(or atleast felt it), what we did wasn't. I found love again. My belief still stands, but not for you anymore, because I know the difference between real and fantasy.

If I met you, no matter how I felt or how I react(because I don't know what I'll do when the time comes, as I've never been in such a situation), I wouldn't let my feelings for you get in the way of what I have with 1. I am his, loyal to him no matter what. I love him more than I could ever hope to explain. I would hope that when we meet, you have fallen in love with a girl who is the same way towards you. A girl who loves you more than I do, who's better for you than I could even hope to be.

I hope to be able to say goodbye for the last time when I meet you, and be okay with it.

More Like A Vee- Getting into Character & Meeting Caleb

Romance. Every person's life has some form of it, whether they like it or not. Some are the object being loved, others with their eyes on someone who would never be interested. Some are happily in a relationship, others, not so much. I was never too fond of romance myself, all of that Candy-and-Roses crap leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I'd rather be that crazy cat lady with 27 cats all named after sports stars than be in a sappy, stupid, most-likely-one-sided love. One sided, like my family tree. Sure having one parent doesn't bother me much, and it sure doesn't bother my independent dad, but that's the point. We were both happier when football and NASCAR were bigger concerns than dating. Crushes are kinda normal for a teenager, usually they're looked past with reason and forgotten the next day in my case. I never let them turn into anything more, because there was no reason to. I was an independent goddess of my own fate, did what I wanted without worrying what I looked like or if I was pretty, sexy, etc. If our school wasn't so small I'd be in honors classes. I've found and kept a job since I was of age, had a motorcycle license, and had only college plans on my mind. I was on a road to being my own man- er.. Woman- and I thought that would never change.

And somehow, this Strong Independent Not-so-Black Woman Who Don't Need No Man got herself caught up in the most vexing Love Triangle. Though, it's not really a triangle, since the love interests have no connection to eachother. It's more like.. a V.

Or In my case, Vee. Vee Winters, 17 year old daughter of trucker Jim Winters from good ol' ___. For living in the same small town all my life and going to a K-12 school where there are only fifteen to twenty-five kids in each grade, I've only really found myself one good friend in Salem Kitt, whose been there for me since kindergarten. She's a sweetheart, always trying to help her friends with their problems and embracing her own. Quite the jokester when she knows you well enough, and trust me, she does. She's the perfect bestie, even if she's a bit boy-crazy and in-your-face. But enough of her for now(Sorry, Salem!). Let's go on to the thing we're both confused about- how Miss Independent found love not only once, but twice in the course of two years. I'd keep notes if I were you, even I have a hard time following.


Scene 1- Meeting Caleb

Senior year, about a month or so in, we get an addition to our small, almost-never-changing class. Of course everyone and their mother knew before he even enrolled, as that's what happens when practically everyone is your neighbor. Needless to say I didn't care. When everyone else welcomed him warmly and went to speak to him on his first day in homeroom and between classes, I rolled my eyes and kept hidden behind my binder. Apparently this, as well as an empty chair next to me, was a sign to bug me though.

"Is this seat taken, miss?"

I don't look up. "Can't you see the five hundred pound wrestler there? He's offended." The new kid's intrigued.

"Hm. Sarcastic, Reclusive, long brown hair, you must be Vee Winters."

"Full of himself, knows my name, and short. You must be single." Ouch. Anyone who can hear us is staring, whispering to each other about the drama unfolding. Of course, Salem's nowhere to be seen.{The one day she decides to cut class..} I can't help but smirk as I replay my comeback in my head, even though he really isn't that short. Around 5'8, give or take, an inch or so taller than me. Shaggy dirty-blonde hair, brown eyes, Salem would call him cute. I get back to reality and see he's sitting next to me, my poetry binder in his hands. My binder! I go to grab it, he pulls it away from me, still reading. I'm absolutely mortified. "Do you mind, kid?"

He smirks. "No, not at all. These are actually very well written. What I should expect from such a witty girl." Crap, I'm blushing. I look him over again as he flips the page, how intently he's looking at the words, reading each one carefully and mouthing the words to himself. I fold my arms impatiently and take time to glare at a group of kids looking our way, making them leave the room. They better not get any ideas.. He's probably the type who'd flirt with everyone. Or he's gay. Hm, I like the sound of that. I snicker to myself, only to get a light bap on the head with my binder. I glare up at him, and our eyes meet. It takes every ounce of self control to keep glaring as I swipe the binder back from him and put it in my messenger bag.

"Don't you have some other people to annoy, Caleb?"

He grins.  "So you do know my name. I guess I can leave you alone for now, let you get back to writing the final stanza of 'Frozen Ones'. Talk to you later?"

I can't help but soften my expression at his comment, yet I keep my cool. "Don't count on it."

He walks over to a flock of girls, and as I look away, I catch myself smiling. This'll be one interesting year.

Author's Note- As I write more and more of this you'll notice that some things are going to be out of place time-wise. If and when I get enough down to tie it all together, I'll put it all in order. This character is really fun but difficult for me to write for. If you're entertained, I'm doing it right.

The Contract

The child is alone, as they all are when they sign. Long auburn ringlets adorned with a red satin bow drape over a corduroy dress. Her face is hidden behind a puzzle book, her hands still as she reads. Sitting in this garden, it's as if she is the doll being played Tea Party with, not the human host. I make my way to the stool opposite her, thread my fingers together, and wait for her to look up from her game. She speaks, eyes not leaving her paper.

"This is a first, is it not?" I see a smile peak out of the corners of the book, yet she still doesn't move it. Her voice is playful, as a child's should be, yet menacing all the same. She's taunting me. I stay calm, nod once. She laughs. "Well, It isn't every day that a human is summoned by a demon for a contract. And yet I'm still the one waiting for you to show up,tsk tsk."

"I was watching you this whole time, young miss. I'd figure I'd let you finish your puzzle."

The book is finally slapped on the table, and her emerald eyes make contact with mine. She hides the fear ever-so-well in her face, despite her legs trembling. She takes a deep breath through her nose before she speaks again. "It's only a puzzle if it takes time to figure out, is it not?" She flips the book open to show each page and the time it took to complete, mere seconds for each. "The real puzzle is why you called me here, Mr. Demon."

"You may call me Desmond, young miss Ryndall. I'll make this simple for you." I steal her smirk and she's left with pursed  lips. "You are not one to seek revenge. You aren't empty in the mind nor the heart, you haven't suffered from any of your losses. This is rare to find in a noblewoman such as yourself, let alone a female child. Quite a delicious feast you'd make.." She tries to hide the redness in her cheeks by cradling her head in her hands, propping both elbows on the table. "Sadly, there is something missing. While your heart has never been broken, your spirit never splintered, nothing needed from a demon, that makes a one-sided contract. I'd get your soul immediately, and that would be all."

"Well that's no fun, is it?" Her eyes twinkle with a false innocence. She crosses her legs, carelessly bumping into the table, and sits up straight. "Well, what could I want from a demon? Death of a rival, torture of another demon? It's all so trivial, Desmond, dear. I can beat rivals on my own, there's nothing in my past I wish to redeem."

"Not even their death?"

She shakes her head, reaches for a hankerchief on the table, and spits in it. My eyes narrow as she reveals the imperfections on her skin, the burn scars running from her forehead to her neck. How could I have forgotten she had almost succumbed as well in that fire? She must've been saved by an angel. Or a demon. Huh..

"They were fated to die in that fire, were they not? Otherwise they would still be here. I am alive, that's all that matters. Now, f I were to sign with you, I wouldn't even have that, would I?" She closes her eyes, and stands up quickly. SNAP! The young miss starts to plummet and I run to her side immediately, catching her centimeters away from the ground. She's screaming, swearing at her foot which had apparently rolled completely underneath her ankle as she stood. Supressing tears, her eyes meet mine and a blush spreads across her cheek. "Don't touch me!" She slaps at me, how unladylike. I can't help but smirk.

"I would obey if we had a contract, young miss."  I scrutinize her swollen ankle ,how fragile she is; To think that a girl with such iron emotions could succumb to physical harm so easily.. that's it exactly. "For such a frail, malnourished child, you have the strongest emotional tolerance.. Perhaps it's all a facade?" Her eyes narrow at me, and I elaborate further with a straight face.  "Even the most brittle of glass can still be painted the colour of steel." She grips at my arm, but doesn't move. She's suspended in thought, trying to turn it around to favour her own self. Finally she speaks with an arrogant tone.

"Fine then. Show me that I'm truly capable of emotional weakness. Love, Fear, Hatred,Regret, the whole nine yards. If you succeed, my soul is yours to take."

"And if not?"

"We go about our days as if we never met. The contract will nullify after a certain time."

I contemplate her proposal. Such a soul as hers could be tainted if she was vulnerable, couldn't it?
And yet, this is quite an interesting challenge she holds me to.. If I were to start turning her soul bitter from emotions, I could simply stop with only one and wait out the rest of the time, thus our contract would nullify. "Will six months suffice, young miss?"She merely nods, then looks back at her ankle, wincing as she tries to move it. With a grin only suitable for a demon, I reach for it and push the bone back in place, receiving a bittersweet yelp from my new master. In the matter of seconds her ankle is healed and sealed with the mark of a pentacle, as is my right hand. She looks down with amazement, then her eyes meet mine. Again I see no fear, no emotional strain, only physical. Her eyes almost burn through my own crimson, making me, dare I say it, a bit uneasy. Removing my hand and standing up, I bow slightly to my new mistress. "And so it is done, My Young Miss. I will have all preparations seen to, so that we may return home safely. We can work out the kinks as we go along, shall we?"

And then I am Gone.

Author's comments: I've been attached to the show Kuroshitsuji(Black Butler) for quite some time, and just the other day as I was watching the second season, the thought came about- What if, instead of the human calling on the Demon for a contract, instead of calling for revenge, what if a girl with no thirst for vengeance was called upon by a Demon for a contract? Thus this rough little scene which I hope to expand on, or at best try and revise.

Slap Me Sane:. Original Lyrics

.:Slap Me Sane:.
Note- the chorus changes every time, so read the entire thing to get the whole story.


When it started it was just fine,
Just a silly little girl with the world on her mind
and a heart made of fiber glass,
the longer she used it the more it would crack.

And then came along the one who could
Mend the strain,
The brainless little boy unaware of her pain
Her heart propped him up above all,
And so she would fall(so she would fall)

It wasn't the fact that his brain was blind,
couldn't comprehend everything he could see.
It was the fact that the girl had made up her mind
That only he could set her free

She told him

"Slap me silly to slap me sane,
Take a torch to memory lane
The street's air has never tasted so bitter,
Only your love can silence the sting.

And then your breath so sweet can fill my lungs,
restart my everything back to square one.
You could redefine my soul,
You'll never know."

She was only fourteen back then,
just a silly little girl waiting for a true friend
Her sweetheart could have been that guy,
If only he new then maybe he would have tried

But the years went on and everything was gone,
Fragment of a love that was supposed to be strong
ten years have passed and after all,
she broke from the fall(broke from the fall)

Two decades of memories slash at skin,
Twenty years of suffering so vivid, she
Tried covering her scars by rubbing them in sin
Hoping someone could set her free

She told them

"Sleep me silly to sleep me sane,
Take a torch to memory lane
The street's air has never tasted so bitter,
maybe your smoke can silence the sting.

For just a small price I can be what you want and more,
Perhaps it's not just money we'd be looking for.
You could redefine my soul,
You'll never know."

It was a cold December night,
Just a silly little girl trying to get a light
standing by her corner once more,
Sighing at every person who called her a whore

And then the breath of a young man caught her eye,
By her side was someone unlike the normal guy
When it was her name he did call,
In his arms she'd fall (His arms she'd fall)

To think that after all this time,
When she sold herself so much that she forgot her name
she'd meet her former lover with no reason nor rhyme,
And fell for him all the same

He's sobbing,

"Finding you tonight has slapped me sane,
Strolling me down memory lane
With just one look I could remember you,
I'm sorry I can't silence the sting

But I know despite all of the damage we've done,
we can get you to smile like when you were young.
Let's get you out of this cold,
we're going home."

She joins him,

"Your words so sweet have kissed me sane,
Took a torch to memory lane
The street's air has always tasted so bitter,
Your love can surely silence the sting.

And then your breath so sweet can fill my lungs,
restart my everything back to square one.
You can redefine my soul,
I'm glad you know."

Weighing My Options

For a few days, I've forgotten about my situation regarding the move. My tears dried, my depression blew over, and I was being productive.

Then I find dad home when I get home from hanging with Love, my 'Brother', his girlfriend and their friend. Love walks me inside and the four of us have a discussion, which is mainly my dad trying to convince me that I should move with them and leave everything behind.

Job- I could transfer to a different Wawa in PA, as they're full of them. (But minimum wage is less, so unless I go for a promotion as a shift manager, It'd take a long while before I make enough to do anything.)

Dream- I could still get my passport and fenagle out the details if and when I get my new adress, take a taxi to the airport and meet up with Sensei and the others going on the Japan trip.(If they can go to the mandatory parent meeting, which is unlikely.) I could just go to Tennessee and Michigan like I planned(and blow away all of my hard work for the one thing I wanted more than anything)

Love- I'm not going to give up on him, and could always move back with him later(then what would be the point of going in the first place?). We'd have a long distance relationship in the meantime(though there's already tension between us because of the idea of me moving. If I do leave, considering we've both had horrible experience with long distance, we probably won't last long.)

If I stay, I lose the luxuries I've had.Transportation wherever and whenever I need it, well-stocked kitchen that I have free range in, Laundry done for me, moral support from mother and not-so-much-but-close-enough from dad. I won't see them for months at a time.The closest family I have would be a minimum of an hour away(my sister in Somerset). I could go up to PA for holidays or vacations, but only if I have a way to get there. If I stay or if I go, I need to learn how to drive. I think I'd feel safer learning here, surprisingly.

Dad says I need to make decisions with my mind, not my heart. If I did that I would think of fairness- break ties with both my love and my parents and live on the streets until I find a place. My mind is frailer than my heart, as it gets burnt out when there is too much to think about and this sure as hell is too much for me to handle. I feel the depression kicking in again, making me bitter. But what I have decided on is, in order to move on with my life, I am going to need to make my own decisions without the influence of Love or my parents.

I am going to find my way on my own time. But I'm never going to be able to do that if I cling to dear mom and dad for support. I know it'll be difficult to then move into Love's house(which he technically doesn't have still) and have to deal with all of his stress and mine, but that's the point of being in a relationship, ne? Sharing all the hardships as well as the goodness in one's life. I'll learn how to drive. I'll get two jobs if need be, so that I can take all of the trips I want to this summer as well as hold my own. I'll pay for my own food, my own daughter's supplies(There's no way I'm leaving my kitten-daughter in another state without her mama), my own clothes. I'll sell whatever I can that I don't need to make situations a bit better, including my Doll collection, certain furniture, etc. I need to start being independant.

I've made my decision.

The worst kind of pain
is not what you experience head-on,
but what scrapes at you, indirect
hits aimed for someone else.

An arrow may hit a bullseye
after barely missing a tree.
The arrow is sadness.
It hits one person, then those connected
 feel the sting. Its target,
was it the tree or the bullseye?

The tree, barely hit,
was the target. The bullseye
the main sufferer, for it can't take
seeing friends weak.

It absorbs its own shock,
pain inflicted upon herself,
the universe srtiking down on her.
It cracks under suffering from
the people who mean the most,
who mean more to her than
her own self.

Chop her down, carve her out,
paint a single dot on her heart,
and hang her up on another tree.
She feels nothing until she's hit
By the pain meant for the tree
Behind her.

I wasn't gonna post this, but I feel risky.

Every time I come here to post of thoughts regarding you, I stop. I try and think of how to word them, I wonder why I even think them,if I'd want to tell these things to you let alone the world, and it all comes down to that being a waste of time. I delete the attempted post, most of the time left blank, and go back to reality.

Reality. The fact that I really don't feel anything for you but an acquaintanceship, as I do with just about everyone else who would consider me 'friend'. I have no friends, I have acquaintances with similar interests whose company I may enjoy and who I may talk to on occasion, but if they were to leave my life, I wouldn't mind. I probably wouldn't even notice unless they bluntly told me 'Hey, I'mma disappear from your life and I never wanna be friends, kthanksbai.' Sure there's Life Support and Love who break that mold, but only two people out of many. I digress.

I like talking to you. I miss hanging out on occasion, sometimes I think about out first unofficial date among others. More often than not I forget of these things, I'll go without thoughts of you for days. Songs with sentiment go unheard, pictures unseen, treasures untouched- not because I avoid them, but because I simply forget about them.

Yesterday, Reality and not-so-reality hit me when I met her. Silly to say, I was nervous. Not that you would have mentioned to her anything about me other than my name, not that there would be tension between us. I was never in this situation in real life. When Love and I were on our break and he found The Girl Who Will Go Unnamed, she added me as a friend on facebook knowing Love and my history. But as for actually meeting the new girlfriend of a former, it never happened before last night. Never even crossed my mind until I heard she would be there. I knew nothing of her but her name, still don't, really.

As soon as I got into the car, I was welcomed with a warm 'Hiiii~', and we actually hit it off. She's pretty, very easy to get along with, and I couldn't help but notice how the mood in the car was extremely light. The whole night went smoothly like that(despite me practically passing out during the movie =w='). I tried not to pay too much attention to the couple, in all honesty, but I could see a kind of chemistry between you and her. Even the way you two spoke showed how comfortable you were. Thinking of our own conversations, they were never as lively or natural, were they? I didn't pay much attention to facial expressions, or eyes. But from the last time I actually saw you face-to-face to last night, I knew you were happier.

As I feared, Hoped, and kinda knew, you found someone better for you than I could have ever hoped to be.