Gloomsday

It's a simple gloomy day, in every sense of the word. My spirits are low, the rain and darkness outside my window is terribly saddening, and though I have my furry orange sister Luvbug cuddled on the bed to keep me company, I feel alone.

When I'm in this state, what do I do?Oh, you know, just look through old posts on here, facebook and Deviantart- some I've written, some from others, comments, etc. It's always the same outcome- blaming myself for past problems, wishing there was a way to go back and fix them.

Then I laugh when I realize how many of my posts involved missing my formers, and other complaints about love. Or rather, I laugh bitterly, then sigh when some of those posts still apply. To simply miss being cared about and loved by my formers is a feeling I know all too well.

I know that most people's reactions would be "You're with someone, it's bad that you miss the others. Suck it up and get over it."

But as said in previous posts, my heart is to big and mind to sentimental to simply forget that I love them. Do I love them more or less than my current? No, I believe I love all three at the same level. Yet society doesn't accept that. And I think 2 would have rather handcuffed us together than share me with someone else. =w=' He always got so jealous, even though he knew I was faithful.

I wonder, does it mean I'm not faithful for having feelings for others on top of feelings for my current? I don't believe that is so, because I wouldn't leave him for anyone nor would I want to hurt him in any way. When I go to hang out with a guy I ask him first, and I dismiss any kinds of flirtation. I simply just have longing to repeat some memories,  sometimes dream of my exes(though nothing sexual, hell, I don't even think I've kissed someone in a dream let alone that. At least nothing since 1 and I got back together.If anything mild flirting or cuddling. Most of the time it's just them just being there and not having anything really to do with the dream).

They say that, in a dream, if you dream of someone that person misses you. It sounds strange, but I've been wondering if it is true. And if it is, whose dreams have I popped into?

I knew of a man old and wise with
a beard of grey, a beard of grey
known as the creator of humans and Earth
or so they say, or so they say.

I watched him sculpt a human girl
with such great ease, with such great ease
choosing her parents and ideal traits
 suited to please, suited to please.

"I pity the man who falls for her"
I heard him say, I heard him say
"I pity the heart, the golden heart
he'll give away, he'll give away."

I didn't ask why he felt this way
the wise old man, the wise old man
Instead I watched her life unfold
before fate's plan,before fate's plan.

Such a lovely girl was she
with satin hair, with satin hair
and eyes of summer sparkling
without a care, without a care.

She wasn't like the other girls.
she was so rare, she was so rare,
she spoke her mind and yet was kind
She chose to dare, she chose to dare.

And dare she did, she lived her life
the way she chose, the way she chose.
It wasn't hard to fall in love with
such a rose, yes, such a rose.

 Yet as she grew so did the thoughts
of her last breath, of her last breath
as loneliness swept through her veins
 and scooped up death, and scooped up death.

For though she was so loved and dear
by many guys, by many guys
her heart could not accept their words.
they were all lies, they were all lies.

She couldn't be their lovely girl
though she would try, though she would try
getting obsessed with pleasing them
until she'd cry, until she'd cry.

And then I realized with such great pain
That God was wrong, that God was wrong
it wasn't the heart of the lovesick man
that was not strong, that was not strong

But rather the angel he sculpted then
who gave away, who gave away
her heart until it was no more..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This just came to me randomly, particularly the third stanza, in which I sculpted the rest based on. Not too sure what really became of it. -shrug- But I can say it took a completely different turn than what I originally had in mind.

Corrupting Him

At first, I would jokingly say that I corrupted 2 when we were younger, because of my sadistic roleplays and obsession with Orochimaru. In '08- I believe he was only twelve then- we had our first erotic roleplays. Reading them for the hell of it, I almost laughed at how innocent the both of us were and how we really didn't know what the hell we were writing, on top of both being illiterate. But, he was fricken 12. Realizing this, I actually feel guilty. Sure I was only like, 13-14 then myself, but realizing what had happened later, not only with me but other people on the site.. Well, I feel like I partially corrupted him to being so into that stuff, and even worse, good at it as time passed by.

I stumbled upon a series of PMs a while back on that site. It was a year later, a week or so after I broke it off with one.. Knowing all to well the bad memories it would stir up, I clicked on each one and read them. I almost cried, and guiltily, got turned on again by it. I honestly see that day, those messages, as my first time. And his first time.. I hope. God, that thought pains me so. He had a thing with this other girl whose name is a curse to me now(which kinda saddens me because there's 2 H!P idols with her name, but I digress.), and all of the people on her site were essentially perverted, and apparently they had a chatbox wedding(which I burst out laughing when he told me). So it makes me wonder if he ever did.. I never asked him, hell no. It would make things even worse between us.

I know it's stupid, saying my first time was through private messages with a boy I'd never meet in my lifetime and getting all worked up over it. But the feeling was real, pure. I wanted him then, so damn bad. We did a lot together after that day.. Almost like our relationship depended on it. Probably the reason why we drifted so far apart.

I wonder, if I never roleplayed those erotic Orochimaru x OC with him, would he have been that perverted so early? Would we have even done anything later, or become more than friends? It's hard to say. I guess in a way he still would have been corrupted at some point. Yet I am partially to blame for such an early corruption. Perhaps.. he partially corrupted me as well.

The worst part? I want to talk to him about all of this right now. I knew this would happen if I read back, but did I listen to my gut? No. So now,I just have to go to bed with these thoughts taunting me, wishing I could have a counseling session with my corrupted former love.

Human.

I am
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Pansexual
Human.

Humans are capable of falling in love with anyone. Love is an uncontrollable emotion.
Humans, if lucky, only experience love once. If even luckier, they experience love through their entire life, one heart swell at a time.
I'm that unlucky human who gets shunned because my heart can hold genuine feelings for three men and a woman at the same time.
Why is polyandry shunned? It's all a part of being human. Perhaps because love can be a selfish emotion- "she's my girl, no one elses. Her heart and body belongs to me." Now that I don't agree with at all. My heart is my heart, my love my own emotion that no one can fully possess. I understand the body part, slightly- I wouldn't want my love fooling around with another. So, my view of polyandry in moderation:

It is acceptable if:
Both the female and her partners genuinely love each other
The most intimate thing done between the female and any of her partners is kissing
The partners all know each other and respect this decision, as they all love her

I would be all for this.Why? Because I genuinely love everyone who I have ever been in a relationship with, in the relationship sense. They have a part of my heart that will never permit family, or friends that are like family. Because they are more to me than that. They are the reasons why I smile, cry, laugh, and sacrifice my happiness. I doubt know that this is all one-sided, as no one could ever feel that way about me, and so my wish is short-lived. But if people could accept I'm in love with more than one person at the same time.. Perhaps I wouldn't have to be fake anymore.

Fake.
Yeah, fake. I fake smiles. Fake 'fake interest' in something, or casualness. Fake fake fake. Because a real heart is something that is shunned, I have to turn it into something fake.