I've had anger issues as long as I can remember. Hitting people over the head with my 4th grade science book because they teased me, kicking sand in someone's face because they didn't see things my way. Throwing things when I couldn't have my way.
At age 13, it became more than that. But the infliction wasn't on any inanimate object or another person. Their lives are more meaningful, are they not? That's how I see it. How John(formerly called 'Dad') sees it. How strangers see it. So, as to not lash out on anyone else, I'd grab my wrist(and sometimes my knee, though that ended when I turned 16.) with my mouth and bite down with such force that blood was drawn, and look down in amazement. For every time what would it look like but
a face smiling up at me. I would feel better almost instantly.
Until the anger hit again and the smile faded. The smile, urging me to bring it back to life. Each time I fulfilled its request, and each time the bloodied face welcomed me.
Until it wouldn't go away.
Each night, about the time I was 17, I would hear the eerie call of the face, still adorning my skin, only this time it mocked me. 'You need me or else you would end up in an insane asylum,' it would say, and I believe it. It infuriated me so that it was true, I wanted to bite again. And I did, not to add to the fading smile, but to erase it. change it. In my own horror and dismay, it only crated another revoltingly happy bruise on my wrist, adding indescribable physical and emotional pain.
I covered it up, tried to ignore it. But that just made me even more scarlet with rage. I felt almost mad enough that I thought the blood would boil right through the ripped skin and leak until I was dry. There were some times that I forgot, like when I was at work or with my boyfriend at the time, but other nights the silent laughter raped my mind with such vigor that I couldn't control myself. One night I almost bit the dumpling-sized patch of skin clear off in my anger, or so it looked. And although the entire inner dumpling was speckled scarlet with blood, the brightest parts of the bitemark would still sculpt into
A Mocking Smile.
