~Saturday night, 11 PM~
Unorthodox: -opens the door to their apartment, in her bartender uniform. Hangs up her apron, walks into the kitchen-
Escapade: -viciously cleaning the toaster with a disinfectant wipe, the entire kitchen otherwise sparkling-
Unorthodox: -light smile- Alright, what did he do this time?
Escapade: -in a growl, fighting back tears- He did nothing..
Unorthodox: -light laugh, trying to lighten the mood- Hun, you only ever clean when you're at work or in a bad mood, and this sure doesn't look like Wawa.
Escapade: -with a grunt puts the toaster down, throws the wipe and stomps off to the couch, gathering up her messenger bag- You can just ask him when he brings my stuff over.
Unorthodox: It's that bad, huh? The bastard probably did something really stupid.. -walks over to her, puts a hand on her shoulder with a grin- I'll talk sense into him for ya, Cappy.
Escapade- Just tell him to get the Hell..o!Project out of my life! -throws the door open, storms off- .... -runs back, slams door, stomps off again-
Unorthodox: -shakes head, sighs-
~4 minutes later~
-knock knock-
Unorthodox: I'm coming, keep your skirt on. -smirks at her own joke, knowing it's Xerox behind the door. Opens it-
Xerox: -A tall boy, 15 years old, shaggy hair in a worn-out football jersey and jeans. carrying a box of clothes, trinkets and photos- I'll take it she's either polishing something in the kitchen or stormed off.
Unorthodox: You're pretty smart for a jackass. She left, but not without making the kitchen spotless. Seriously, even a vampire could see their reflection in the toaster. -grabs the box from his hand- You can go now.
Xerox: Woah, no interrigation? That's a bit Unorthodox don't you think? -smirk-
Unorthodox: Oh shut it, kid. I know it's your fault, and you must've screwed up big time. That's enough for me.
Xerox: -sigh- Listen Doxie, she actually broke it off. Not my fault.
Unorthodox: ..Seriously? -puts the box down, looks at him- Do tell. -goes over to the couch-
Xerox: -sits in the armchair opposite Unorthodox, scratches the back of his head- Well, she finally had enough. Just flipped me off, said she hated me, and stormed off. I didn't do anything.
Unorthodox: -irritated- Oh, so you keeping her a secret from everyone in your life is nothing?
Xerox: I can't though!
Unorthodox: Bullshit! You haven't even told you own parents about her, hell, you even tell her to keep it a secret. You think that's comforting to her?
Xerox: .. I want to tell them about her, trust me I do. But my parents, my friends.. they don't know about my life outside of sports. Hell, they'd probably laugh if they knew I met her on an anime chat site of all places.
Unorthodox: So you're ashamed of her? That you would rather keep your shitty rep than your girlfriend who seriously would die for you?
Xerox: -closes eyes, sighs- What if they don't approve of her though?
Unorthodox: -facepalm- If you truly love her, it shouldn't even matter. She's always coming home pissed because of it, she cries because the way you're acting, doesn't really show that you love her.
Xerox: And why didn't she tell me any of this?
Unorthodox: .. She's too nice, that's why. She was terrified that if she actually told you how she felt, that it would make matters worse. She didn't want to loose you. As a lover or a friend.
Xerox: -blush, ashamed look on his face- Well, if she actually told me.. then maybe I could've atleast tried to change something. I do love her. When the guys and the cheerleading team go to parties and stuff, I realize that none of the girls there would ever love me as much as she does, none of them understand me as well as she does.. -trying not to cry- And that I could never love someone as much as I love her.
Unorthodox: -smile, walks over to the coat rack- Then grow some balls and tell her, kay? You know her well enough, so I'll let you find her. Bring this though, It's pretty cold too, and the idiot forgot her jacket. -throws a lolita-style jacket at Xerox- Have fun.
Xerox: -fake laugh- Sure, Doxie. Let's hope she doesn't kill me first.
Both Laugh as Xerox stands up, salutes Unorthodox, and exits the apartment.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Smell of Scallions,
freshly cut, take me from the bus-stop to my grandmother's backyard, when I would pick them with my cousins. Of couse a nine year old didn't know that she was playing while her grandmother lay in her deathbed, just amazed by scallions and the little pond outside the retirement house. A wave of nostalgia sweeps through me as I remember each time I would spend time with my grandmother, before they moved from Barnegat to the retirement community, before her cancer took over. Playing jacks and pick-up sticks on the kitchen floor, coloring books on the counter or playing Sorry with her and my grandfather, or picking strawberries fresh out of grandfather's garden. Then, when holidays came around, the entire family would be at her house- her assortment of dolls and holiday decor glittering the house, a huge tree with M&M ornaments in the corner of the living room, just in the corner of the window and the 'balcony'. There was no TV in the living room- In fact, only a couch and a small radio took up residence in the room. The TV- the giant screen one, atleast- was down stairs, where my grandfather, John(back when I'd think of him as dad) and the other guys retreated for football and Poker after supper. And then later the girls would take over, put on a movie like Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, and sing along to the entire movie.
My grandmother always crafted her food by hand, and made lovely holiday meals and desserts. The taste of orange cream pie now tickles my tongue- I remember that she would always make extra orange creme and put it in a container for me, once her pie-making was done. I also remember watching the smaller TV, shows like Star Search and Disney movies, while eating Blast-o-Butter popcorn. Kind of strange, how I can still remember everything we did, and picture the house exactly how it was 9-10 years ago. If I was to go back into that house I could tell you everything that was in it and where it was, and what I spent most time doing in each room.If only I could remember my current days like I do that house.
I wake up from my nostalgia to hear a song that I tried to avoid today- Dare I Say by Alexander Rybak. Or any Alexander Rybak song, for that matter.Why?
Today, October 21st, would have been a year if we were still together. And so I feel off. Not because I particularly miss him, no. It's the simple question that tugs at me at the anniversary of anything- 'What if things went differently?' I wonder if I would be as depressed and stressed as I am now, if we still would have been going strong. And if so, what would have happened between 1 and I? Would we have kept in touch after he graduated? And when 3 went to college, if we would still be together, how would that have affected everything? Would we have somehow found a way to be together tonight, or talk about how much we loved and missed eachother? It's just.. strange to think about. Pointless to think about.
But the question that tugs at me the hardest, so hard infact that I would fall face-first, is if he even remembers or realizes what today was a year ago. I can't ask him, I don't want to ask him. It would bring up things that should be left unspoken. Things that could ruin what is perfect right now..
My grandmother always crafted her food by hand, and made lovely holiday meals and desserts. The taste of orange cream pie now tickles my tongue- I remember that she would always make extra orange creme and put it in a container for me, once her pie-making was done. I also remember watching the smaller TV, shows like Star Search and Disney movies, while eating Blast-o-Butter popcorn. Kind of strange, how I can still remember everything we did, and picture the house exactly how it was 9-10 years ago. If I was to go back into that house I could tell you everything that was in it and where it was, and what I spent most time doing in each room.If only I could remember my current days like I do that house.
I wake up from my nostalgia to hear a song that I tried to avoid today- Dare I Say by Alexander Rybak. Or any Alexander Rybak song, for that matter.Why?
Today, October 21st, would have been a year if we were still together. And so I feel off. Not because I particularly miss him, no. It's the simple question that tugs at me at the anniversary of anything- 'What if things went differently?' I wonder if I would be as depressed and stressed as I am now, if we still would have been going strong. And if so, what would have happened between 1 and I? Would we have kept in touch after he graduated? And when 3 went to college, if we would still be together, how would that have affected everything? Would we have somehow found a way to be together tonight, or talk about how much we loved and missed eachother? It's just.. strange to think about. Pointless to think about.
But the question that tugs at me the hardest, so hard infact that I would fall face-first, is if he even remembers or realizes what today was a year ago. I can't ask him, I don't want to ask him. It would bring up things that should be left unspoken. Things that could ruin what is perfect right now..
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Love.. such a tricky thing, ne?
When you know you love three people, and yet you don't know if feelings are stronger for one than the other.
How if you picture one with someone else, or they actually find someone else, you're perfectly fine with it. But if you picture another with someone else.. you just can't take it. You should be able to, but you can't.
Funny, because the one person I thought I loved more than anyone, I was perfectly fine with him finding a girl of his own.
The person I dumped for this kid,the one who I thought of as really only a good friend, I cried over when he found a new girl.
And now, talking to my most current ex, I feel tears threaten because he's simply talking about a girl he likes. I don't get it.
All three times one of them found/spoke about a girl they liked, I was dating one of them. The only one I didn't cry over (for that reason, atleast) was 2. It confuses me to no end.
I know it's possible to love more than one person. But how do you tell who you love more?
And is it even worth it?
When you know you love three people, and yet you don't know if feelings are stronger for one than the other.
How if you picture one with someone else, or they actually find someone else, you're perfectly fine with it. But if you picture another with someone else.. you just can't take it. You should be able to, but you can't.
Funny, because the one person I thought I loved more than anyone, I was perfectly fine with him finding a girl of his own.
The person I dumped for this kid,the one who I thought of as really only a good friend, I cried over when he found a new girl.
And now, talking to my most current ex, I feel tears threaten because he's simply talking about a girl he likes. I don't get it.
All three times one of them found/spoke about a girl they liked, I was dating one of them. The only one I didn't cry over (for that reason, atleast) was 2. It confuses me to no end.
I know it's possible to love more than one person. But how do you tell who you love more?
And is it even worth it?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Hope.
A fragmented thing, isn't it? Something all have, yet barely anyone listens to.
Hope is a whisper. Trained ears can hear it and pull it close.
Others push it away, or just cannot hear it. It's those people who crumble.
And yet,
I hear it perfectly. I'm crumbling.
Why am I crumbling? For what reason?
What have I lost hope in?
Hope is a whisper. Trained ears can hear it and pull it close.
Others push it away, or just cannot hear it. It's those people who crumble.
And yet,
I hear it perfectly. I'm crumbling.
Why am I crumbling? For what reason?
What have I lost hope in?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Triangles.
It seems like three is my cursed number, everything in triangles.
Three huge stages of depression in my life.
Three people who changed it the first time.
Said three strangers now, after three years.
Three failed relationships in the past-
Relationship one, though lasting for five months, lost its luster after three.
Relationship two- He broke up with me 3 times. The third day after he told his parents about me, he left for good.
Relationship three- three days after our three month anniversary he left.
Three threats from my dad saying he'd leave,
three times I thought it would be the other way around.
Three nights of non-stop crying,
occuring every three months.
Will this be another cursed three,
three months into my fourth relationship?
I hold my breath, hoping that this three,
and the three days after, finally breaks
the ugly cycle.
I only hope that I don't see another three,
another pyramid,
another tomb.
Three huge stages of depression in my life.
Three people who changed it the first time.
Said three strangers now, after three years.
Three failed relationships in the past-
Relationship one, though lasting for five months, lost its luster after three.
Relationship two- He broke up with me 3 times. The third day after he told his parents about me, he left for good.
Relationship three- three days after our three month anniversary he left.
Three threats from my dad saying he'd leave,
three times I thought it would be the other way around.
Three nights of non-stop crying,
occuring every three months.
Will this be another cursed three,
three months into my fourth relationship?
I hold my breath, hoping that this three,
and the three days after, finally breaks
the ugly cycle.
I only hope that I don't see another three,
another pyramid,
another tomb.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Movie Night
So, 3 came home from College, being on break, and decided to organize a whole movie night with his friends like we used to do. I was really excited to see him again since it was months, but at the same time I didn't know what to expect. Concidering the last time I saw him I almost cried, and the fact that 1 was also there and it's still awkward being with 1 when 3 is in the room, I really didn't know what feelings would come up. But, when he pulled up, he was in the best mood I had ever seen him in, with dance music blasting. It was hard not to be in a good mood too.
The night went pretty smoothly, actually. No depression (minus that very slight awkward moment when people were talking about hooking up with other people/ past hook-ups and frankly I did not want to hear any of it because it made me sick no matter who was saying it), just a bunch of laughs and fun. It was great to see everyone again.
The car ride home was much more silent than the ride there, with 1 in the car as well. We rode in silence minus my iPod and the occasional singing from myself and/or 3. I wasn't sure what was going through my mind, to be honest. I was lost in the music, in nostalgia, I guess. Just because I missed the rides like this, with and without 1 in the car. I said my goodbyes, kissed 1, and of couse had to ask 3 for a hug. I mean, I have no idea when I'd see him again and he meant alot to me.
He's a really great friend, a great person. I guess I miss him, but moreso just hanging out, ya know? Conversations, laughter, going places. I don't necessarily miss the more intimite stuff, which should be a good thing since I'm with 1 again. And really, even if I wasn't with 1, I'd still not miss the more intimite stuff. If anything I'd miss holding hands, snuggling together. The extent of what middle school couples (should) be. Because the way I see it the other stuff isn't important, and it can destroy a relationship. The relationship could become all about make-out sessions and almost-to-the-point-of-sex states, making just regular dates strained or just nonexistant. They could become so important that one or both of you depend on the other's love to get by.
I don't want that. I never wanted that, even though that is how 2 and even partially 1 and 3 ended up as. I just want to fall in love. A love not about sex or intimacy, a love about giving, not taking. A love that focuses on just being able to spend time with the person and genuinely feel like they are your blood. I want to find a love that actually changes my views on marriage, that could change my views on my mortality.
I'm not sure I found it yet. I know that I wished that I would find it in either 1, 2 or 3. Especially 1 and 3. I wouldn't date anyone else, atleast not until after college depending if I live that long. The only other person I would even consider dating I let go of my feelings for, or atleast gave up my wanting to confess it to her.
I got off track. Simply put, tonight was amazing. 3 and I are still good friends and I'm glad about that. 1 and I aren't awkward, also glad about that. And I think things are a tiny bit clearer now that I rid my mind of these thoughts, so I will sleep easily tonight.
Goodnight.
The night went pretty smoothly, actually. No depression (minus that very slight awkward moment when people were talking about hooking up with other people/ past hook-ups and frankly I did not want to hear any of it because it made me sick no matter who was saying it), just a bunch of laughs and fun. It was great to see everyone again.
The car ride home was much more silent than the ride there, with 1 in the car as well. We rode in silence minus my iPod and the occasional singing from myself and/or 3. I wasn't sure what was going through my mind, to be honest. I was lost in the music, in nostalgia, I guess. Just because I missed the rides like this, with and without 1 in the car. I said my goodbyes, kissed 1, and of couse had to ask 3 for a hug. I mean, I have no idea when I'd see him again and he meant alot to me.
He's a really great friend, a great person. I guess I miss him, but moreso just hanging out, ya know? Conversations, laughter, going places. I don't necessarily miss the more intimite stuff, which should be a good thing since I'm with 1 again. And really, even if I wasn't with 1, I'd still not miss the more intimite stuff. If anything I'd miss holding hands, snuggling together. The extent of what middle school couples (should) be. Because the way I see it the other stuff isn't important, and it can destroy a relationship. The relationship could become all about make-out sessions and almost-to-the-point-of-sex states, making just regular dates strained or just nonexistant. They could become so important that one or both of you depend on the other's love to get by.
I don't want that. I never wanted that, even though that is how 2 and even partially 1 and 3 ended up as. I just want to fall in love. A love not about sex or intimacy, a love about giving, not taking. A love that focuses on just being able to spend time with the person and genuinely feel like they are your blood. I want to find a love that actually changes my views on marriage, that could change my views on my mortality.
I'm not sure I found it yet. I know that I wished that I would find it in either 1, 2 or 3. Especially 1 and 3. I wouldn't date anyone else, atleast not until after college depending if I live that long. The only other person I would even consider dating I let go of my feelings for, or atleast gave up my wanting to confess it to her.
I got off track. Simply put, tonight was amazing. 3 and I are still good friends and I'm glad about that. 1 and I aren't awkward, also glad about that. And I think things are a tiny bit clearer now that I rid my mind of these thoughts, so I will sleep easily tonight.
Goodnight.
Monday, October 3, 2011
In His Arms
If you told me a year ago that I would end up back in his arms, I would have shook my head and said 'It wouldn't work.'
It happened. For close to three months I have been in his arms, completely his, a smile on both of our faces. Whether we are getting intamite or even just cuddling next to eachother on the bed, especially the latter, we are perfect. I start to think about my future-our future- a future I never thought I/we would have. Even are silly conversations bring us close, bring hope in my eyes.
I love him so very much. I was blind to see this when I was fifteen but now, close to three years later, the friendship blossomed into the love I was searching for all along. A love where neither demands the other, where each knows how to love the other without being told and not faking it. A love only soulmates would have. He is my soulmate. I believe this.
I fell asleep in his arms for 10-20 minutes today. I was so comfortable by his side, that I could doze off with the comfort of him near. As I opened my eyes he smiled down at me, kissed my forehead and ruffled my hair, and I was just as content as I was when I closed my eyes.
The bad thing about falling asleep in your beloved's arms is the fact that they might have to leave. If you wake up to an empty bed, yet the tingle of him next to you still lingers, it breaks your heart. You long to be in his arms again. And if you fall asleep in his arms, it is very, very hard to sleep alone without thoughts of him cocooning your mind.
Is this the same when you get married, or move in together? Is it possible to be dependent on falling asleep in his arms?
He only left twenty minutes ago, and still I can feel his skin upon mine, his warm smile and kisses.
I already long to be in his arms.
It happened. For close to three months I have been in his arms, completely his, a smile on both of our faces. Whether we are getting intamite or even just cuddling next to eachother on the bed, especially the latter, we are perfect. I start to think about my future-our future- a future I never thought I/we would have. Even are silly conversations bring us close, bring hope in my eyes.
I love him so very much. I was blind to see this when I was fifteen but now, close to three years later, the friendship blossomed into the love I was searching for all along. A love where neither demands the other, where each knows how to love the other without being told and not faking it. A love only soulmates would have. He is my soulmate. I believe this.
I fell asleep in his arms for 10-20 minutes today. I was so comfortable by his side, that I could doze off with the comfort of him near. As I opened my eyes he smiled down at me, kissed my forehead and ruffled my hair, and I was just as content as I was when I closed my eyes.
The bad thing about falling asleep in your beloved's arms is the fact that they might have to leave. If you wake up to an empty bed, yet the tingle of him next to you still lingers, it breaks your heart. You long to be in his arms again. And if you fall asleep in his arms, it is very, very hard to sleep alone without thoughts of him cocooning your mind.
Is this the same when you get married, or move in together? Is it possible to be dependent on falling asleep in his arms?
He only left twenty minutes ago, and still I can feel his skin upon mine, his warm smile and kisses.
I already long to be in his arms.
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