Bittersweet Endings

My last performance on stage was tonight. Our Improv Review, which was a compilation of parodies about Southern Regional that we created. For a night where we literally created and pulled together a brand new, working concept in three days, it went pretty smoothly. Minus my head almost falling off XD''' I was supposed to be the Ram. Okay, so an imposter of the beloved mascot who really was a Janitor. And in the midst of it I killed a math teacher, ruined the priss' popularity, and ruined the theater geek's chances of being with said priss. Good times.

It's sad that my last performance was one that I couldn't really connect to, though. For one thing it was rushed, and we were all stressing trying to work together. Also the fact that I'm not the most social butterfly(actually, I think I'm still in my cocoon), and that my social awkwardness carried through when we were trying to work together.

I honestly think all underclassmen in my improv and chorus class pity me. But why, I wonder? Sure, I might look like that silent kid in the corner who you make friends with just so they spare you when they start shooting up the school, but I'm not like that. I'm a simply complex, awkward, sparkly, free spirit who marches to the beat of her own harpsichord. I guess people don't see that part of me though, only my insecurities.

I dunno. I just wish that I could have been in Improv last year. That way I could have been with the advanced class, most of which I knew from intro or from them being in my grade, and I wouldn't have been thatawkward. But as always, it conflicted with my dreams. Most things I like tend to do that.

I should shut up now, because I'm starting to depress the hell out of myself, and I could really use a hug right now.

But, I'll just have to wait lonely and cigarette deprived until Saturday, when I can finally be hugged.

Her

So, I can't say much because, even on a blog where no one knows who I'm talking about, I'd still feel guilty. But simply put:

I spoke to her today. Yeah, 'her', the girl I had a crush on a little over a year ago? It's funny, because I pushed my feelings aside for a long time, and they only really ever come through when I talk to her. But it's never been a physical attraction as I've said in other posts. No, this is a pure emotional love. I want her to know how beautiful she is inside and out, how I understand her and support her, and I never, ever, want to see her upset.

I knew for a while now that she loves this one person, and now that she bluntly tells me, I'm honestly surprised I'm not sad. Maybe because I know the person she loves, and because she was so fricken adorable and happy when she was telling me and how they planned out their life together even though they technically haven't officially confessed to each other or asked each other out. But it's funny, because though I love 1 to pieces, I genuinely love Hex too. But, I guess that love changed forms ne? I mean, a love that I can be fine with giving up, as long as she's happy.

I always thought that lesbians would have better luck with relationships than hetero or 'gay', to be honest. Because while with most 'gay' relationships I've heard of and straight ones there's more of a strong physical attraction and most of the relationship revolves around make-out sessions and sex, and most straight people(yes, even the straight half of me) tend to have that need for physical over emotional at some points, lesbians aren't really interested in sex or anything of that nature. They focus on the emotional aspect of a relationship, which is how more people should look at relationships. The fact that they feel comfortable talking to that person, that they can trust them with everything and the only thing they want is for the other person to be genuinely happy by their side and don't need any kind of physical thing(well, minus cuddling or a hug of course =w=).. While that is a decent amount of my current relationship, I'm surprised that's even lasting as long as it is.

So now, I'll be grateful for my current relationship and the friendship I have with Hex, while I happily listen to her go on about her love. ^^

Dude, a genuinely happy post?

Shocker, ne? I mean, despite my super-sparkle-awesome-tastic personality on facebook and in real life when Nova's not taking over, I don't think I've ever written a remotely happy blog. =w=' Welp, that is about to change.

I am so excited for this anime convention in June XD AnimeNEXT, to be exact. <3 My sister surprised me by getting us both passes for all three days of the con, just because I mentioned one of my favorite Hello!Project groups(Berryz Kobou) was going to be there. We get to go to the concert, a signing, Q&A Panel, and a bunch of fan-created panels for Hello!Project lovers. It's also exciting because not only do I get to meet Chinami and Yurina(my favorites from this group and my voice role models), but I get to meet a bunch of dubbers as well!

The one person I'm most looking forward to meet and introduce to Cee is my friend Janjan, jrocknpoppingirl on youtube. I've known her since I started dubbing close to 2 years ago, and we've been uber close ever since. We are even coordinating our cosplays so they match- I'm wearing my Ciel Phantomhive(from Kuroshitsuji) dress, and she is being Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji on the second day.

I still don't know if my costume will come in time for Day one =w='' I was planning on being Hatsune Miku from vocaloid, and bought a very well made costume and 3-and-a-half-foot wig just for it, but I don't think it'll get her until after the con. D8 So, I'm probably being either Ula D or just going as myself. That's a costume in itself, ne? XD' To anyone else anyway. If I had the creativity and the time, I'd try to make a Pony cosplay, probably Fluttershy or Apple Jack. Maybe next time yupyup. o2o

I'm also doing a lot of performances with people at the convention 8D Let's see.. I'm doing a random singing-and-dancing performance of Momoiro Sparkling by C-ute with a bunch of my dubbing meeps, and then at a H!P Karaoke panel I'm duetting with 2 people- Janjan(singing Reconquista by Hangry&Angry as Yossie <3) and then Caryn(singing Koi no Vacance by W while singing the lower harmony). I also want to try and learn a new dance for the con, preferably a Berryz dance, and do a solo song at a karaoke panel if I have time.

Dude, I'm so excited for this XDD It's the only thing keeping me going right now yupyup. Well that, work, and my Jpop/Finnish Metal.

I was introduced to a new band that I absolutely love- Sonata Arctica. They are a Finnish Metal band with a gorgeous lead singer. My mom even kind of likes them XD So that must mean they're good. <3 The Rasmus' new album is also coming out soon, which I'm excited for because it will be going back to the style of my favorite album by them, Into. All of my bands have been really stepping it up lately, which I'm happy for. XD

OH. I was about to wrap this up but I remembered another thing that's keeping me going right now. XD The Legend of Korra, a sequel to Avatar:The Last Airbender. It is all kinds of amazing, and Steven Blum(Uber sexy voice of just about every villain and flamboyantly gay green-haired technician I know) voices Amon, the main villain in the show. Holy dude does he make me love that character XD Even if you want to hate the character, his voice makes that impossible.

And lastly, what would a happy post be without mentioning 1? <3 I'm so excited to go to prom with him this year. And uber-happy that we've been able to spend a bunch of time together despite my busy schedule and his mother's laziness.

Welp, that's all the ramblings I can manage today. XD Stay sparkling meeps, Pikaru Out~

Another sappy stupid 'no-one-cares' post about Love.

Note, started around 10 PM last night, but I practically passed out mid-writing.

1 having just left, I started to think about how much I miss him already, and how the next time we can be together will not be soon enough.

It's funny, because I think back to the very first time we dated, and realized that I never felt this way about him until we were older. I'd like to believe it's from me growing up and knowing what love is, rather than my mind just thinking this because all of my relationships in the past pretty much blew up in my face.

Sure, I still have some burns and scars from past relationships. But I highly doubt that they've scarred me so much that I have to conjure up the feeling of love instead of naturally feeling it. They actually, for the first few months after each one ended, closed my heart off and made me more bitter, until I could get over it. And every time I was in a relationship, sparing the very first one, I genuinely loved them.

My heart is big enough to accept all love, and it is possible to love, or even be in love, with more than one person. Yet that is what makes love a dramatic, depressing emotion. Now, the scenario below is 99.9 percent hypothetical.

If, say, I was still in love with 2 while I was dating someone else, but I loved said someone else as well, I wouldn't know what to do. It wouldn't be right to date one while he wasn't the only one I loved, and it would confuse the heart even more. Even if there is no chance of getting with 2, I would still feel guilty for thinking and caring about him as if he was still more than a friend. And you could switch the first sentence around to mean anyone that I've dated, and it would have the same general result- confusion and heartbreak.

I still remember how I felt when I had to break it off with 1 to be with 2, all those years ago. I honestly believe I was in love with 2. 1 Was, kinda sad to say, a 'test boyfriend' at the time? I mean, we went on dates, kissed a tiny bit, hung out every day after school, but it felt more like a really good friendship than a relationship. I was 15 then, though, so I didn't really know what a relationship was supposed to be like(and that a genuine relationship was pretty much what I had with 1.) . But I felt absolutely crushed when I said goodbye to him. All of the love I had for 2 could not patch up the guilt, though after a while the stress from being with 2 made me temporarily forget about 1.

When 2 and I broke up, I swore off relationships. Said I would only start dating again after I graduated high school, but only if I found someone I genuinely had feelings for. Yeah, that only lasted four months. But the relationship after that lasted for three.

And then, another while later, 1 and I got back together. Only this time, it was much, much different. I genuinely cared about him. When I smiled at him I smiled from the heart, and every "I love you" was as pure and true as the first.

I was always scared to say those words, after 2 left me. Because I didn't want to get my heart in as much of a bind as I did when I was with him. But hey, if you mean them, say them, right?

I realized this post is really fricken long, so I think I'll just shut up now.

Concept work. Edit 11/4/13

Starlight, Star bright
Is such things still exist tonight.
Though beaten down and losing sight,
don't let me die without a fight.

  Since she was twelve years old, young miss Julka Makkonen knew of the impending chaos in New Russia. While her parents refused to believe that their country of Finland being captured and renamed by Russia was part of a sinister plan, Julka knew all too well that this was only the beginning of what could very well be the next holocaust. Her prediction hits home, literally, when her family is slaughtered and she is taken away on her 17th birthday. With her will and pretty face the only things to save her, she must do everything in her power to get out alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonded By Death 
I am his freedom,
I am his wine.
I'm nearly broken,
yet that is just fine.
For if ever I was
to take my last breath,
my master would join me.
We're bonded by death.

A broken artist struggles to pick up the pieces of his life after a tragic fire, leaving him with only a Penny to his name: Penny Thorns, a simple peasant-girl-turned-servant whose masters(the artist's Aunt and Uncle) were killed in said fire. It isn't long before he sees beauty running in her veins, and does the unspeakable to turn her into a work of macabre art.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a doll. Nothing more. 
Not allowed to eat. 
Not allowed to speak. 
I simply sit there, limp and lonely,
waiting to be wound up.
By any chance do you have my key?

Model Elizabeth Dellacort has been the talk of the town and poster child for beauty since she was a child. Now in her thirties and with her boyfriend her agent, she starts to realize beauty means nothing if it is faked and abused, and so she leaves her agent in hope to find something-or someone-better. However, the hopes of models are only as stable as their frail frames, and for Elizabeth it isn't any different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dreamed of you again.
You held me close, smiled to my ear,
and told me we still had a chance.
I woke up laughing, because you're an asshole.
In real life, anyway.

To be thought of later. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soul Purpose
19 year old Jemma Anderson had everything: A supportive family, a great fiance, and the map to her dreams in her hands. However, all of that changed after an almost fatal car accident. She woke up months later in a new town as a whole new person.. literally. Now it is up to Ember Korchet to try and get through her life, and find out exactly who this Jemma girl is that she is always compared to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Venom
"..lust is not something mere soap can dissolve- lust is poison, a venom that stains the very part of the soul that is meant for love. It veils love, clones it, but makes is fiercer, colder. Love is a warm embrace, lust is the ice that chases warmth away. And if that's the case, I've never felt so frigid." 

Miles Phalen is a respectable, powerful king whose rule has been fruitful and pleasant. However, the loss of his beloved wife takes its toll after fifteen years, and the only one who can heal him is the very child who took her away and started his downward spiral. Can the king get over his unholy longing for his daughter, or will his kingdom crumble along with him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too Cold For Angels To Fly
 Synopsis to come later, why not just read the few chapters I wrote in 2013? =w=
~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Contract

 Based off of the anime/manga Black Butler, it is about a demon who summons a human for a contract, instead of the other way around. the first little scene- http://thepoetsplay.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-contract.html

Nova Kayne- Poem

Propped up in the corner
of virtue and sin,
only boots and a tie
adorn her pale skin
and as I walk past her
I cannot help but stare

and realize it's a mirror;

it's my body we share.

She is just an idea,
a personality bug
with the mind of a stripper,
the confidence of a thug

She puffs her cigarette smoke,
laughs in my face,
sticks it straight down my throat.
Says 'hey, have a taste.

I'm that girl you could be,
that life you'd hate to live,
but there's fun in this hell hole

of mine, if you give. So


Give in, give in.'
That's all that she says.
And though I am tempted,
I spend most of my days


trying to drown her out,

but I'm only waist deep.

It's so easy to swim when
there is nothing there to keep
her grounded, so I fear
if she ever got me high
I'd give the finger to the world
and say "Bye bitches, goodbye."

Sasha Leigh Awkward

That's the name of my character for the improv final. A socially awkward girl who really annoys just about everyone around her and doesn't have a place in the world or the scene. How is that any different from me, you ask? Well, it isn't.

I've always felt that way, especially in Improv. I have the acting ability of a kumquat, my cleverness kicks in AFTER the scene I perform, and apparently I'm a bit too childish to be respected by people who are 1-2 years younger. Yeah, the people who probably already had sex, smoke, and have drank at least if not more than once feel they're superior to the genuinely individual, sex/cigarette/alcohol-deprived teen who chooses to stay away from said three things. Even the other 2 seniors in the class act like my superior, and they're no more important than anyone else. Hell, we just did a show about EQUALITY. Apparently that didn't sink in.

Then again, are they really my equals? They're younger, immature, most got into more trouble in 2 years than I have in 18. They give me attitude, give themselves attitude. They bicker to the point of Nova wanting to take them and knock their heads together. The worse part? They are the most selfish and disrespectful lot of people I've dealt with since kindergarten. Which is saying something.

It just irks me, to see how the youth is today. To see that most of them just throw their lives away without  a care. If I was like that, I'd be dead already. They lack common sense- that part of the brain was replaced with pervertedness and alcohol. And while it's not all of the youth(10+) I see, but it's a huge chunk of them. Call me an old soul, but I believe in a little thing called abstinence, modesty, self-respect.. I could go on.

What happened to the people who cared about succeeding? Who are perfectly fine with being themselves, even if other people aren't? The people who want to find genuine love, not just the easiest lay? It is a dying breed. A breed that I fear will collapse in a few years.

Annoying

It's getting to the point where my noticing Nova is starting to really annoy and confuse me. She's been quiet for a few days, but now she's starting back up and when I talk to people, I don't know who is answering them: me or Nova. I mean, I guess there are obvious differentiations between us:


Someone doesn't feel well.
Me: "D8 Feel better! -hug-
Nova: I don't wanna hear your bitching, I've been sick for years.


Stressful day at work:
Me: Just need a mocha and I'll be back to normal.
Nova: Fuck mocha, give me a cigarette and a good time.


Someone gives me a nasty look:
Me: -smiles politely, then looks away-
Nova: -glares em dead in the eye, gives them the finger-

Hanging out with 1:

Me: -huggles tightly- I love you so much..
Nova: -sitting next to him, not looking at him or letting him hug me- {Damn, I'd much rather be with Hex.}
**Note: 'Hex' is the girl I had(have?) a crush on.

But sometimes, both sides of me collide. I don't know how to answer, who to take control, who the REAL me is at that time. I won't know how to respond,if I even want to, and usually I just get myself even more depressed. And most of the time Nova doesn't speak aloud- I try to hold her back as much as possible. Instead she complains in my head, and won't leave me alone, wanting me to say or do something.

And it wasn't just this year that she's been showing up.. Now that I remember, over the summer, she started to take over my actions. She made me flip off my mom once. She made me kiss a stalker when I was a sophomore. Just after 2 threw my heart into a flaming deathtrap and closed it shut. She made me become heartless when I talk to 2, and honestly, maybe even started to take over when I was with 3. But I can't tell. Can't remember. Don't want to remember. I want to forget everything she made me do, and kill her.

Heh, maybe that's why I was suicidal. Maybe I noticed Nova was here and she tempted me to kill myself, so that she would disappear. She's a clever little demon. I realize I can drown her out when I dance, I can keep her at bay when I blast Finnish Metal. I try to drown her in Finnish Metal, but I only get waist deep. And forget about listening to Jpop when she's around- God, it's like listening to nails on a chalkboard on repeat. Jpop REALLY Pisses her off.

I'm starting to get scared. For people around me. For 1. I'm terrified to lose him because of Nova. I'm scared that he won't be able to handle the both of us, that Nova will show her ugly face when I'm with him and say something to make one of us leave. I'm scared that if Nova ever does get a hold of a cig or beer or something, that it would essentially be saying 'Fuck you, have a nice life' to him. But it's getting hard to control her.

Maybe I should do everyone a favor and admit myself into a mental hospital.

Cigarette

I've never tried one. Always knew they were bad, kept choking just from the stench coming off of my parents. To the point where I would have to bring my inhaler and a shirt I can pull over my nose at all times when I was with them. I always looked down upon people who smoked, especially if they were people I once respected or if they were my age/younger. I don't associate myself with people who smoke, or try not to.

But lately, Nova's been sneaking her pre-addict thoughts into me. Since I walked into work this morning at 7, I craved a cigarette. And I'm sure it doesn't have much to do with the fact that I was filling the cigarettes at register all day, but rather what I was doing in  between  that- ringing up non-stopping lines, while screwing up orders and the register crapping out at me. If I was 19, I would have bought em or bummed one off of my boss. Even if it got back to my dad, I didn't care. I just wanted that suffocating feeling of coming closer to my death. A feeling I've been yearning for alot lately. Even last week I had these thoughts, only I was strong enough to knock em out of my head in only a few minutes back then. Now the thought's been nagging at me for over 12 hours.

Perhaps it's just stress bagged up? The fact that I really don't want to care anymore, that I just want to say 'I don't give a rat's ass if I let people down, if I'm missed then they're all stupid.'? Maybe because Nova's practically controlling half of my brain, and only half because she wants to see me be confused and fight her? Oh yes, that has something to do with it, I'm sure. But no matter what way you look at it, I'm crazy. Cracked. Beyond the point of saving.

I still haven't had that cigarette, and Nova's still craving it.

I wonder if people would love me less if I did cave in. If I'd lose a family, or a boyfriend. Friends. Or a future.

Do I even really have any of that?