Weighing My Options

For a few days, I've forgotten about my situation regarding the move. My tears dried, my depression blew over, and I was being productive.

Then I find dad home when I get home from hanging with Love, my 'Brother', his girlfriend and their friend. Love walks me inside and the four of us have a discussion, which is mainly my dad trying to convince me that I should move with them and leave everything behind.

Job- I could transfer to a different Wawa in PA, as they're full of them. (But minimum wage is less, so unless I go for a promotion as a shift manager, It'd take a long while before I make enough to do anything.)

Dream- I could still get my passport and fenagle out the details if and when I get my new adress, take a taxi to the airport and meet up with Sensei and the others going on the Japan trip.(If they can go to the mandatory parent meeting, which is unlikely.) I could just go to Tennessee and Michigan like I planned(and blow away all of my hard work for the one thing I wanted more than anything)

Love- I'm not going to give up on him, and could always move back with him later(then what would be the point of going in the first place?). We'd have a long distance relationship in the meantime(though there's already tension between us because of the idea of me moving. If I do leave, considering we've both had horrible experience with long distance, we probably won't last long.)

If I stay, I lose the luxuries I've had.Transportation wherever and whenever I need it, well-stocked kitchen that I have free range in, Laundry done for me, moral support from mother and not-so-much-but-close-enough from dad. I won't see them for months at a time.The closest family I have would be a minimum of an hour away(my sister in Somerset). I could go up to PA for holidays or vacations, but only if I have a way to get there. If I stay or if I go, I need to learn how to drive. I think I'd feel safer learning here, surprisingly.

Dad says I need to make decisions with my mind, not my heart. If I did that I would think of fairness- break ties with both my love and my parents and live on the streets until I find a place. My mind is frailer than my heart, as it gets burnt out when there is too much to think about and this sure as hell is too much for me to handle. I feel the depression kicking in again, making me bitter. But what I have decided on is, in order to move on with my life, I am going to need to make my own decisions without the influence of Love or my parents.

I am going to find my way on my own time. But I'm never going to be able to do that if I cling to dear mom and dad for support. I know it'll be difficult to then move into Love's house(which he technically doesn't have still) and have to deal with all of his stress and mine, but that's the point of being in a relationship, ne? Sharing all the hardships as well as the goodness in one's life. I'll learn how to drive. I'll get two jobs if need be, so that I can take all of the trips I want to this summer as well as hold my own. I'll pay for my own food, my own daughter's supplies(There's no way I'm leaving my kitten-daughter in another state without her mama), my own clothes. I'll sell whatever I can that I don't need to make situations a bit better, including my Doll collection, certain furniture, etc. I need to start being independant.

I've made my decision.

The worst kind of pain
is not what you experience head-on,
but what scrapes at you, indirect
hits aimed for someone else.

An arrow may hit a bullseye
after barely missing a tree.
The arrow is sadness.
It hits one person, then those connected
 feel the sting. Its target,
was it the tree or the bullseye?

The tree, barely hit,
was the target. The bullseye
the main sufferer, for it can't take
seeing friends weak.

It absorbs its own shock,
pain inflicted upon herself,
the universe srtiking down on her.
It cracks under suffering from
the people who mean the most,
who mean more to her than
her own self.

Chop her down, carve her out,
paint a single dot on her heart,
and hang her up on another tree.
She feels nothing until she's hit
By the pain meant for the tree
Behind her.

I wasn't gonna post this, but I feel risky.

Every time I come here to post of thoughts regarding you, I stop. I try and think of how to word them, I wonder why I even think them,if I'd want to tell these things to you let alone the world, and it all comes down to that being a waste of time. I delete the attempted post, most of the time left blank, and go back to reality.

Reality. The fact that I really don't feel anything for you but an acquaintanceship, as I do with just about everyone else who would consider me 'friend'. I have no friends, I have acquaintances with similar interests whose company I may enjoy and who I may talk to on occasion, but if they were to leave my life, I wouldn't mind. I probably wouldn't even notice unless they bluntly told me 'Hey, I'mma disappear from your life and I never wanna be friends, kthanksbai.' Sure there's Life Support and Love who break that mold, but only two people out of many. I digress.

I like talking to you. I miss hanging out on occasion, sometimes I think about out first unofficial date among others. More often than not I forget of these things, I'll go without thoughts of you for days. Songs with sentiment go unheard, pictures unseen, treasures untouched- not because I avoid them, but because I simply forget about them.

Yesterday, Reality and not-so-reality hit me when I met her. Silly to say, I was nervous. Not that you would have mentioned to her anything about me other than my name, not that there would be tension between us. I was never in this situation in real life. When Love and I were on our break and he found The Girl Who Will Go Unnamed, she added me as a friend on facebook knowing Love and my history. But as for actually meeting the new girlfriend of a former, it never happened before last night. Never even crossed my mind until I heard she would be there. I knew nothing of her but her name, still don't, really.

As soon as I got into the car, I was welcomed with a warm 'Hiiii~', and we actually hit it off. She's pretty, very easy to get along with, and I couldn't help but notice how the mood in the car was extremely light. The whole night went smoothly like that(despite me practically passing out during the movie =w='). I tried not to pay too much attention to the couple, in all honesty, but I could see a kind of chemistry between you and her. Even the way you two spoke showed how comfortable you were. Thinking of our own conversations, they were never as lively or natural, were they? I didn't pay much attention to facial expressions, or eyes. But from the last time I actually saw you face-to-face to last night, I knew you were happier.

As I feared, Hoped, and kinda knew, you found someone better for you than I could have ever hoped to be.