Fear

My past is something I cling to,
not because I fear the future,
but I fear memory loss.

I don't want to forget the friendships I've made,
The love, the loss, the simplicity and complications.

I fear that one day I will wake up
and not know who you are.
I will introduce myself to friends
as if they are strangers on the street,
 and not dare to think that perhaps they
saved my life, or inspired me, or hurt me.

I cling to the past because of fear.
Without my memories I have nothing.
Wisdom, character, will power, caution.
I would be a helpless woman having to
re-learn the suffering and splendors of this life.

If I never meet you,
will it be easier to forget?
If I meet you,
will the past and present also meet?
Will they join together,
or drift even farther apart?

Routines since I moved in

Biting 3-15 Times a day

Starving myself/going to bed hungry

Crying self to sleep

Planning how to kill them

Wondering how a cigarette tastes

Leaving the house without telling anyone and no one bothering to care

Suicidal thoughts

Reminding myself why I suffer

Working myself to the bone at my job and not wanting to leave

Not wanting to do anything but sleep and have sex when I am 'home'

Trying as hard as I can to not refer to this place as my home

Home Part 2

So, I absolutely love it here <3 My motivation is back; I've been learning dances, studied for two hours of my own free will. My confidence is back, too, ever since I got that haircut yesterday. I haven't had a haircut since before Easter 2013, and oh my goodness she did such a great job <3 I actually want to wear my natural hair out in public more often, and my confidence boosted. 8D I even got a few look-overs from intrigues people in the mall as I walked by.

There's so many shopping districts here, too. There's two malls, about 6 or 7 shopping districts/strip malls, and fast food places/restaurants out the ying-yang within 15 minutes of here! I've easily spent 200 already, but everything was worth it and counted as a birthday gift to myself. I barely get out and shop for myself anymore, other than for necessities like food. If Love and I moved here, we'd have no problem finding jobs. I could transfer to a Wawa up here(though I have never worked at a gas store before 8D') and get a job on the side, and Love could apply for a supermarket or retail. There's so many places around to apply to, so we'd have a lot of opportunities.

I haven't spoken to him about it yet, let alone asked my parents. I want to do my research first; I'd like to see how easy it would be to transfer stores and if my benefits will still count, ways to get everything to my parents house as easily as possible, the nearest schools and bus systems in PA. I'd like him to come visit first, see what he thinks. My father allowed a change to the no-boyfriends-sleeping-over rule, but he'd have to sleep in the basement(which once we get furniture and stuff down there will be like a mini-apartment.) If my parents can see how good he treats me, how much potential he has, they might consider when I ask if we could move in and either he or the both of us would pay rent.

I'm going to talk it over with him, definitely. Perhaps sooner if my depression comes back right after I go back to Jersey. I think it would do us both good to get out of such a stressful environment and actually move on in our lives. Start paving the way for if and when we get our own place, and whatever may follow afterwards.

I'm just not sure where to start. -sweatdrop-

We Could Be The Same:.

The air is still, almost suffocating as the kunoichi makes her way through the forest. Being the morning before the scheduled invasion, it was no time to do what she was planning. She was playing a fool's game, and she knew it. Each breath stabs her upon intake, and her body becomes heavier with each jump. {It's not too late to turn back, child.} Her father's serpentine voice slithers through her mind, and she almost considers listening. She would be killed in an instant for betraying, not to mention the damage that would be done to the toad sage and his little tadpole of a son. She jumps up higher as she reaches the gate, swiftly and flawlessly despite the weight of her nerves. The daughter of Orochimaru, nervous? It was almost laughable.

Making sure her markings were covered and hair hidden beneath a wool cap, with her body cloacked in a black cape, she zipped through the villiage towards the familiar bush in front of the house she knew all too well. Her eyes closed and breathing stilled as she listened for signs of life in the house. It was still painfully early, almost four in the morning. She could probably sneak in and kill them both without being traced, and though an amusing thought, that was not her objective today. Her objective was one even more costly than taking a life.

Her objective was to save one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clink.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

Bright blue eyes flutter open to the strange sound coming from outside. With a groan, a shirtless boy slips out of his bed and trudges outside. {What the heck is hitting the house so early? It's not nearly the season for hail..} He scans the side of the house, listening all the while.

Clink.

He is by the bush in front by the time he hears it again. With a confused glance at the bush,  he picks up a pebble and throws it. "Who's there?" He whispers, staying still as the shadow emerges. It takes several seconds before he notices the long strands of hair falling from the cap, and the figure behind the cloak. He takes a step towards her, getting nothing in response. Again he tries, and nothing. They are face-to-face when she finally moves, swiftly taking the cap off and letting her hair curtain her eyes.The girl refuses to show any emotion as they stand there in silence. With a sigh, he scratches the back of his head. "Why are you here, Kinari?" He's tired, confused, but still a bit happy to see her.

"We need to talk. Preferably not out in the open." her voice is husky, but soft as she carefully chooses her words. "Is your father home?" A nod from the boy ignites a sigh from his lover. He rubs his eyes before speaking.

"Teleport to my room. I'll lock the door."

With that said, moments later, they were in the oh-so-familiar room that they spent several evenings in. This time it was different. Anxiousness hung thick in each corner, heavy and harmful. Kinari's cloaknow littered the floor where she stood, back to him, fingers interlaced while he stared at her from behind. It felt like a year before the snake spoke.

"You need to postpone the mission." She didn't need to look to know that his eyes were now wide, lips slightly parted in surprise. She adds quickly, "I knew about it since the second day I met you. It wasn't hard to gather the information. But regardless, you mustn't go tomorrow."

"And why not?" Takeshi now stood behind her, begging unspoken for her eyes to meet his. She denies his request, closing her eyes as she spoke. The air around her was poison filling her lungs with each intake of breath.

"I won't be able to control myself if you do in fact show up. My father and I ready for a bloodbath, and not of our own blood. Catch us while we're off guard.." Her hands fly apart and re-position in front of her. Her heart is hammering her mind into it's grave, slowly but surely. "And we might be able to spare you for a little longer." She couldn't say it. She couldn't say the absolute truth of her request, and so she locked her jaw as the silence grew around them.

"Kinari.." The way he spoke her name didn't send a blush as it normally did. No, it made her scared. Why the hell did she not turn back when she had a chance? Why did she go through all of this trouble? Why did she lo--

A soft, sweet kiss on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and brought her eyes to open. He nestled her in his embrace, warm and comforting. "For you I will at least try to talk to my dad. Because honestly, I don't want to have to fight you. If I had to hurt you, well, I'd rather not see you at all." He is calm as he speaks, his mouth tickling the corner of her ear. Very carefully he steps around to meet her eyes, to soak in all of the emotion pouring out of them. Not once before this had he seen her so vulnerable. Human. Yes, she was human, despite being born into a monster's bloodline. "But for now, can you stay?"

"Thank you. But I can't." Her eyes dart away, yet she does not move. "If he finds out I left.."

"This isn't about Orochimaru." Just hearing the name made the both of them cringe. "Forget about him. Forget about my father. Right now, right this very moment, it's just about you and I. Kinari and Takeshi." a finger gingerly slides up the kunoichi's neck to her chin, lifting her face to his. Their lips are centimeters from touching, yet neither of them move. After a moment's time, very slowly, the girl wraps her arms around him, and with a smile he picks her up wedding-style and gingerly places her upon the soft sheets. He kneels next to her on the bed, smoothing out her hair and staring into those golden eyes. His eyes follow hers down and he laughs lightly, taking her cue to remove her shirt. For the first time, his eyes survey her body in awe, not lust, and again their eyes meet. His voice is so calm, so light as he speaks. "I don't even wish to take you right now.. I just want to take in your beauty and embed it into my mind. I never want to forget you." He frowns as tears fell from her eyes, and kisses them away. "Kinari-chan, please don't cry. Was it something I said? I didn't mean for you to--"

"Just shut up and kiss me, dork." With her famous smirk fading into a loving smile, she brings her lips to his and kisses him with every emotion. There is no use of tongue, no biting this time around, just pure kisses getting deeper with each one. They part, and Kinari chuckles. "Enough talk, Takeshi. Words are fleeting." she kisses his forehead. "This might be the last time we meet.." she kisses his cheek. "So let's treat this time like our first should have been.No lust. Just.. love.." His eyes widen with overwhelming joy and he nearly suffocates her with a hug. They laugh as she pulls him close, on top of her, and smile into a precious kiss. Her heart feels so weightless right now, as if all of the guilt, the deceit, evaporated and left nothing but a cloud of sweet air. This is no longer a ruse to get information and a good lay, no. This is more. This is pure, almost innocent, love. A feeling she had never felt before.


The two, completely spent, lay together legs entwined and eyes locked. Tears stained both of their faces, and their hearts still beat fiercely. This was the last time they would be together before the battle. This was the last time Kinari would ever say that she loved him. This was the last time they would be happy and remotely at peace. The next time they met would be a battle to the death. And they knew this so well they could taste the spoiled blood, their stomachs churning. Takeshi closed his eyes and buried his face into the nape of her neck, sighing deeply. "The sun should be rising any minute now. You need to go, and I need to think of a plan." His words were gentile as he slipped away from her, allowing her to stand. "I will do anything I can to stop our attack."

Hesitantly getting dressed, the kunoichi avoided his eyes in fear that she would cry again. She couldn't cry in front of him. She couldn't cry for him. She had to harden her heart again and face him with the strongest steel, be it later that day or on a different date. "We will be ready for you. Don't let your guard down and neither will we." The coldness in her words completely shatters the warmth in the room. "You are warned. Takeshi." And with that, she vanishes from the room.

Home

As some people may know, come the 17th, I'm visiting my parents for the first time in PA. I never got to see the house in the five months that they've lived in it, minus pictures from before they moved in, so I'm rather excited for that. Plus I get to see my feline sisters again <3 Oh my god I missed them so much.

But the main reason I'm going is for my own health. I have been really emotionally and physically icky the past month or so, and not just when my monthly demon rolls around. My suicidal/murderous side has started to crawl back to me, and I started losing motivation in everything- work, studying, dubbing, etc.

It's not because of my love at all, no. Love has been the most understanding, patient and kind person in the world. It's because of his incompetent father and grandfather who at this point should be dead(according to health problems), a loudmouth mother who doesn't have any consideration for anyone and always blows up over EVERYTHING. Someone is sick in this house every week, and to go a day let alone five hours without yelling or door slamming being heard is a miracle. Even my best moods have been ruined because of these stupid things. This stress is carrying into my workspace and is over-all unpleasant. I've bitten so many times since I moved in that the patch of skin is practically rubber and permanently miscoloured. 

Already I can feel the wear of living here in the place in which I'll never consider a home with people who I'll never consider family(minus Love and perhaps his brother). I've been wanting to visit my folks for months, and finally I have the chance.

I have contemplated moving in with them. If this visit does as much good as I think it's going to, and if I get all of my stress back once I return to Jersey, I'm getting right back on that bus and going home(to PA). I can find a job, keep up my self studying until I can afford culinary school. My love and I will have to stomach a long distance relationship until one of us finds an apartment and has the other move in. I know we can do it. I really believe.

Futures

Every so often, I check his page just to see how he's doing in this world.

His page, along with our other old friend. She's still beautiful, still going strong. She's forming her own business and trying to get somewhere in the world.I'm so proud of her.

He's in college now, and already doing so well. I'm so proud of him.

Then, there's me.. I guess each group of three friends has that one who is worse of than the other two, the weak link, so to speak. I'm not in school, I don't have any real ambitions or accomplishments that make me as set for the future as these two.

I have a man who loves me, a job I love, but I've had that for years. No real progression in my future has happened other than moving away from my hometown and family to keep said job and love.

I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I don't know what I want my future to be like. And it saddens me.

I feel lost, stunted. And maybe I am.

But seeing these two grow, to see how proud they make people, it gives me comfort.

If only a little.

What I write when I have a song on repeat.

Hello my love, it's been a while.
Hoping all is alright on this evening,
even though I cannot exactly ask.
Sad to say, I've been thinking of you;
Wondering how you fare as an adult,
in college, driving, free. Without myself
as a friend to comfort you if you are troubled,
Yet I'm positive you have no worries just yet.

I apologize for breaking that promise I made,
though unspoken, about leaving you alone
to live your life. It pains me when I feel
the urges to say 'Ey', or like a post of yours,
and I pity myself when I do just that.
You don't need me, I know this, love.
I'm sure we don't need each other.
I made a huge step by not sending
you a letter this summer, however.

It still warms my heart to know
you are alright. I smile when I see posts
about your adventures as an adult,
I share your happiness and exhaustion.

I listened to songs of you, so to say,
as they tackled me with nostalgia
of stories we'd tell, of the days when
it wasn't a crime to talk to you.
When it was all innocent, naive,
when we didn't have worries
of the later years.

I wish I could speak to you as if
we were still that innocent, love.
Yet with so much history you could write
a text book about us, so much learned
from these past years, we've grown silent
and time together fleeting. It's for the best,
my sweet. You and I know this well.

I share a bed with a man I love.
It's funny how, years ago,
we both dreamed of waking up in
each others arms with a smile and kiss.
My dear, I don't want us to be lovers.
Can we forget that desire ever existed?
Can we go back to casual conversations,
laughing, loving each other like siblings?

Can we go back to our innocence,
before the history, before the silence,
and meet once again?