Cigarette 2.

The cravings stopped for a long while, or atleast came and went very quickly without any real effect on my mood or state of mind. Then I got closer and closer to my birthday. Every single day, especially when I was put on register, my cravings came back worse and worse. On my birthday and the two days after it was to the point where I'd have to bite at work (on both wrists, multiple times) in order to stop myself from buying a pack.

Yesterday I caved in. Got a pack of USAs and a lighter. Went to one of my co-workers who wouldn't question it or be concerned by it, no one around saw me buy them. I couldn't have one there, because my mom would see. Thinking about it more, I realized there was nowhere that I could really have one without her or someone finding out. Now incredibly twitchy, I decided to go with 1 to pick up one of our friends from work. It was obvious that I was not myself, that something was bugging me. When I left and he walked me home, I took the pack out. Immediately, but calmly, he took the pack out of my hand and looked at the contents inside. "Don't." He repeated multiple times, stuffing them in his pocket and pulling me close. "You're better than that."

{Am I?} I kept thinking, all the while still craving the death stick. We walked in silence after that, minus a few "I'm sorry" whispers from myself. He walked me inside, followed me into my room, and held me close. A little while later he spoke again.

"Is that all you bought?"

I nodded, but then remembered about the lighter and handed it to him. He shook his head, obvious worry icing his gaze over. I could barely look him in the eye, I felt so weak. Foolish. I had to be if I bought a pack of the thing that I swore I would never buy, the thing that could very well kill me without my inhaler by my side. Tears started to form, but never fell as he stroked my hair, rubbing my back with the other hand. He tried to lighten the mood with several comments while still getting his point across- "Cigarette breath smells really bad.""They're way too expensive." He even told me that he would pay me back for them, even though I told him he didn't have to. He kissed my forehead, looked me in the eyes, and told me he knew I was better than that. And if ever I craved again, to remember that before I buy another pack.The thing I remember the most was his second-to-last comment: "Now can I have a smile?" A genuine smile showed on my face, and the two of us laughed it off. He then tucked me in, told me he loved me, and softly closed the door behind him.

I was thinking for at least 2 hours after that. Am I truly strong enough to not give in yet again? I practically promised him that I wouldn't, and I know that he trusts in and believes in me. Even so, that nagging feeling tugs at me. Ieven had a dream that the two of us were walking around an amusement park together, smoking. Or rather he was smoking and the rest of the cigarettes were broken so I couldn't have one. It made me wake up wondering what he actually did with them. I know he's not the type to smoke, and am almost positive that he threw them away. And yet, I still want to ask. Still want to make sure.

Today I had to leave work without even saying goodbye, for if I did I probably would have bought another pack.

Thankful

For mah meeps, who seem to always make me smile or laugh, even when I'm annoyed.

For my steady job in which I've learned so much, and which gave me the power to actually put my stress to good use.

For my co-workers who seem to care about me and make the job enjoyable(most of the time).

For my Monster High collection, and all of the high quality merch and clothing I've bought/been given.

For the first man I fell in love with.

For a reconnection with a different love who means the world to me.

And the great memories with a great friend in between.

For Ponies, Lauren Faust, and Littlest Pet Shop.

For my sisters and three lovely.. I almost said grandchildren XD My niece and nephews. I wish there was a collective name for them.

 For my parents, despite their lack of understanding.

For the sanity I still have.

For my kitten-daughter and all of my feline siblings I've had over the years.

For the dubbing community and Hello!Project.

For Finnish Metal, and my chance to see Sonata Arctica live in December.

For my AnimeNEXT experience and meeting my (second) Wife, Tokunaga Chinami.

 For the heartaches that helped me learn and grow.

For my innocent brain that doesn't pick up perverted jokes the first time around.

For my ability to connect with bizarre characters.

For having great teachers in my High School experience.

For my anime collection and Jpop CDs.

For Bacon, Scalloped Potatoes, Spinach and Artichoke dip, and Hot Sauce.

For fate somehow keeping me on this planet so far.

For the people who actually give a damn and read this whole thing XD Congratulations!

Dream:.

For the first time in a while, I had a dream that I actually remembered most of. Perhaps because Life Support was in it? Anyway, here's how it went.

I was at some sort of party(I'm guessing holiday themed because there was a huge Christmas tree in the house). It was LS and a bunch of his friends, at what my brain perceived to be his house. I remember being very casual there despite this being the first time meeting him in person, talking with him and other people. Apparently there was a room with a very flimsy door(as in, the door was really just broken pieces of cardboard and Styrofoam). He attempted to help me repair it, but it didn't work, to I shrugged and went into a fancy bathroom. XD' I forget when, but I remember a bunch of us watching TV with my back turned to the screen and burying my head in my arms, what I usually do when I'm tired. I heard a song which apparently, though sounding like Fluttershy, was Stocking. I showed of my Panty and Stocking keychain.. And that's most of the random stuff I remember.

Then, it got a bit weird. A fire started out of nowhere, and my cats showed up out of nowhere. I grabbed Yossie, my dad(who apparently showed up out of nowhere) tried to grab one or two of the others. I lost sight or LS, and got worried. A staircase started to burn down and fall. All of us were now in a room that was apparently safe from the fire. Out of nowhere LS and a bunch of his theater friends started to perform a musical number and the fire stopped. People started to leave, my Yossie-kitten disappeared, and I again went to search for LS. I found him, he smiled and hugged me. I think I woke up from thoughts of wanting to kiss him or tell him I loved him.

There is absolutely no sense-making to this absurd dream, so I'm not going to bother.. But the one thing on my mind is why dream of him, of all people? Does that mean he misses me, or I him? The latter would make sense on my side friend-wise, but I'm not too sure about the other way around. -shrug-

Oh well.

Comfort Me in Silence

Gone. Obliterated. Everything in its path that wasn't human succumbed to the demonic sea, the wind like a dragon's breath on the earth. With one day thousands of lives were lost without having to kill- their spirits so weak by the devastation of their childhood, their home, their life.

I thought I would die, and not from the hurricane itself. But from fear of losing him. He, the stubborn love who didn't evacuate, even when a state trooper showed up at his doorstep. My love. I drove myself into panic attacks because I had no way of knowing if he was alive, with the power and phone lines down. I'd kiss my phone, tears streaming down my face, trembling as I hear the wind tear through trees and picture the worst happening to his house.

In my state of panic, having trouble breathing, I unlocked my phone and tried to send one more text. This time, to a person from another state. The only other person I felt could help me in my state. I told him the situation- stuck in the middle of the hurricane, scared out of my mind. I thought I was going to die. I told him I loved him, which was true on some level, and that if I did survive that insanity, we could pretend it never happened. I honestly didn't think it would send, and it did. I certainly didn't expect the reply, either.

"Stay alive so I can say it back."

I hugged him tightly, told him my fears and described the storm. He didn't reply, yet even so I felt safer. As if somehow, through the phone, he was holding me close, stroking my hair in silence. I suddenly got hope that 1 was alright, my breathing steadied, and my tears dried. I was warm, safe, all thanks to one simple text.

My life support saved me once again without even knowing it. 

And I'm sure he will fade away from my life until I need rescuing once again.

Sandy

 I didn't think this storm would be too bad, despite all the hype. I wanted to just shrug it off and live my life, work on some dubs, get ready for one of my favorite holidays.

But last night, when I realized it was here, I was having trouble breathing, tears threatening my eyes, fears encircling me. A panic attack, I believe. I woke up and it was gone, I felt fine.

I then started to worry not about me, but 1. The most stubborn person you'll meet when it comes to leaving his house, even if it's for safety reasons and he's being forced to evacuate. The jerk and his family are still in their now-flooded house, being attacked by this storm. I cried several times due to worry, something I don't think I've done in over 3 years.  But he keeps assuring me that he's alright. Several times today he texted/PMed me just to say he loved me, and I'm not sure he knows how much that means to me. I hugged the phone so tight my hands were cramping, only wishing that he was with me, safe, so we both didn't have to worry so much.

The wind is howling outside. Already I've witnessed several trees come right out of the ground, the power has gone out several times, and seen my street turn into a river. There were pictures of LBI(Where 1's family and a few other close friends live) where the waters were high enough to boat across, waters high enough to reach the middle of traffic lights, and it terrified me. Just now an ambulance drove down my street. I'm having trouble breathing again, and I believe I'll be kept awake with fear as I listen to this storm wreck the street.

I'm scared out of my mind.

For my love.

For my friends.

For myself.

To the Bastard who married our sister.

Stephen,

 Such a simple thing I have to tell you, but because you are too simple to understand tis three-word sentence, I'll have to explain it to you. GET A JOB.

Oh, you know, the thing that your wife and my sister is working three of? One for each of your kids, I guess. Then again, she would need a fourth because of the fourth child she's carrying around: you. You are a selfish, immature child who can't take responsibility for your actions or comprehend what the person you swore to love and protect is dealing with. THREE. JOBS. Two full time, one part time, working with no sleep what-so-ever, sometimes going right from one job to the next, then having to return to a dirty house and children who still need to be bathed, fed, and changed while you're passed out on the couch from a busy day of videogaming.

What's worse, you even scold her for having so many jobs. You told her to quit her second job at good old Kmart, she did, you yelled at her for it. She got another job, and you yelled at her for it. Well, YOU sure as hell aren't making any effort to keep your house and three kids and wife fed and with a roof over your heads, so she has to wear the pants and support the family in whatever way she can. She's working herself to death, kid. Running on little to no sleep, being a mother of three kids(ages 4 and under) as well as a midnight shift manager, a waitress, and a country club worker, and then having to deal with your bullshit, it's no wonder why she looked like death when she stopped by my house this morning. Even worse, it sounded like she was coming down with bronchitis.

You buy whatever the hell you want with HER money, forget about HER children more often than not, and then treat HER like crap when she gets home. What did she do to deserve such under-appreciation? If anything you should be kissing the ground beneath her feet and you yourself should act like the proper housewife, making sure the children are fed, clean, and asleep by the time she comes home to get ready for her midnight shift. You don't even do that on most occasions.

If you won't at least give her that, then get out of her life. Give her the kids that she's busting her ass to provide for, and move with your parents to Florida. We all know that's why you won't look for a job anyway.

Go Fuck Yourself and Have a Nice Day,
Nova and Kaitylee

Bonded By Death, random scene

At first, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I was a little girl with unruly copper hair and a fairly skinny frame, living off of my momma's pay. It was one of the few times I saw her laughing, playing silly clapping games with me. I was only eight years old, and although she was 24 she looked as if she aged three years for every year she lived. Feeling her bony fingers against mine, frail palm against frail palm, my innocent mind thought that everyone was supposed to be that skinny and malnourished. And yet, for someone so worn down from whatever her work was, my momma was the prettiest and happiest girl I knew. She was my hero.

Until the door slammed open, taking both momma and I by surprise. Immediately she tensed up, eyes wide, pushing me aside. Suddenly everything's a blur. I hear him screaming words I was told to never repeat, I hear momma pleading and  yelling at me, physically moving me. "Go to your room, hurry!" I listen, running as fast as I can, yet I know he's right behind me. I hear banging on the wall, clashing of what little furniture we have, and his excessive cursing. Just as I reach my door, It's too late. I feel my bones cave in, my lungs almost giving out as the man without a face smashes my body against the floor. His words rape my skull as his body does the rest.

"You're gonna be just like that bitch, you little whore.."

I try to scream out, yet my little lungs won't let me. "Momma! Help! Get off! I-it hurts!"

Help.
HELP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eyes fly open, and the screaming immediately ceases. I'm pushed into the chest of a man, and it takes only a second to realize it's my master. I'm sobbing, my face laden with tears and terror. I can finally breathe again, and although the man without a face is not there, though my awful memory has stopped, my entire body aches as it did that day. I weakly wrap my arms around him, trying to stifle my sobs. I hear his voice, full of emotions I can't place.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Mina?Are you alright?"

My brain is still trying to make sense of his words as he lightly pushes me back, tilting my head up so our eyes meet. I see worry, anger.. grief? Could that be possible? I've never once seen a grief stricken Master, not even after the fire took place. I feel my muscles loosen as he massages my shoulders gently, not taking his eyes off of mine. Again he speaks, yet his words are now clear.

"Was it a nightmare?"

I shake my head, and find my voice. "A memory." It is hoarse, weak. Just like the rest of me. I force my tears back.

"A step father?" I shake my head.
"One of you mother's clients." This is not a question. My eyes widen in shock, how the hell did he know? He answers my unspoken question.
"You didn't think I wouldn't do a background check on you?"

I just stare at him, my mind and heart blank. I cannot think or conjure up any emotion as my mind tries to erase everything, just as it did years ago. All at once, I want to blame my master, tell him off, attack him for bringing up these awful memories. I never had a recollection of that night until he took me in. I practically forgot my entire childhood until he forced it back into me..

I notice I'm now cradled in his lap, my head against his shoulder. He speaks again. "What exactly happened in that memory of yours?"
I shake my head frantically, and notice the smile tugging at his lips. "You need to tell me, Mina."
"No I don't." I bark, wanting to glare at him yet knowing I'd only cry if I did meet his eyes again. It's all his fault, this man, this monster.. And yet, he's completely innocent, and for once, I feel as if he might even care about me. A single tear streams down my cheek,  yet to cover it up I bury my face into his neck, laying both of my hands against his chest. .He chuckles.

"You're overstepping your boundaries."

I keep my face where it is, and breathe the words into his neck. "You don't like being touched?" I realize how that sounds, and scold myself in my mind. He is obviously amused.

"Not without my consent, no."
"Well then, may I touch you, master?"
He laughs again. "Yes you may."

"Can I kiss you?" I feel both of our surprise as the words escape my mouth before I even think them. He tenses, as do I. and I reluctantly realize what is happening.
"Now why would you want to do that?
Again, my filter doesn't catch the words before they are spoken. "To know that you're not him." My tone is grave, yet honest. He sighs, and chances running his hand down my back.
"I'm not going to ask again. What did he do?"

"I really do not want to get into that right now."
I feel the amusement return to his voice. "What do you want to get into?"
{Your bed.} Entirely grateful that my brain caught the words before my mouth did, I come up with a more reasonable answer. "Anything that doesn't involve my past."
With that he smiles, removes me from him, stands up, and is at the door before I can even process what is happening.
"Well then, I should leave you alone for now. Feel free to use the bed." And before I can even think to reply,

he is gone.