To the Bastard who married our sister.

Stephen,

 Such a simple thing I have to tell you, but because you are too simple to understand tis three-word sentence, I'll have to explain it to you. GET A JOB.

Oh, you know, the thing that your wife and my sister is working three of? One for each of your kids, I guess. Then again, she would need a fourth because of the fourth child she's carrying around: you. You are a selfish, immature child who can't take responsibility for your actions or comprehend what the person you swore to love and protect is dealing with. THREE. JOBS. Two full time, one part time, working with no sleep what-so-ever, sometimes going right from one job to the next, then having to return to a dirty house and children who still need to be bathed, fed, and changed while you're passed out on the couch from a busy day of videogaming.

What's worse, you even scold her for having so many jobs. You told her to quit her second job at good old Kmart, she did, you yelled at her for it. She got another job, and you yelled at her for it. Well, YOU sure as hell aren't making any effort to keep your house and three kids and wife fed and with a roof over your heads, so she has to wear the pants and support the family in whatever way she can. She's working herself to death, kid. Running on little to no sleep, being a mother of three kids(ages 4 and under) as well as a midnight shift manager, a waitress, and a country club worker, and then having to deal with your bullshit, it's no wonder why she looked like death when she stopped by my house this morning. Even worse, it sounded like she was coming down with bronchitis.

You buy whatever the hell you want with HER money, forget about HER children more often than not, and then treat HER like crap when she gets home. What did she do to deserve such under-appreciation? If anything you should be kissing the ground beneath her feet and you yourself should act like the proper housewife, making sure the children are fed, clean, and asleep by the time she comes home to get ready for her midnight shift. You don't even do that on most occasions.

If you won't at least give her that, then get out of her life. Give her the kids that she's busting her ass to provide for, and move with your parents to Florida. We all know that's why you won't look for a job anyway.

Go Fuck Yourself and Have a Nice Day,
Nova and Kaitylee

Bonded By Death, random scene

At first, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I was a little girl with unruly copper hair and a fairly skinny frame, living off of my momma's pay. It was one of the few times I saw her laughing, playing silly clapping games with me. I was only eight years old, and although she was 24 she looked as if she aged three years for every year she lived. Feeling her bony fingers against mine, frail palm against frail palm, my innocent mind thought that everyone was supposed to be that skinny and malnourished. And yet, for someone so worn down from whatever her work was, my momma was the prettiest and happiest girl I knew. She was my hero.

Until the door slammed open, taking both momma and I by surprise. Immediately she tensed up, eyes wide, pushing me aside. Suddenly everything's a blur. I hear him screaming words I was told to never repeat, I hear momma pleading and  yelling at me, physically moving me. "Go to your room, hurry!" I listen, running as fast as I can, yet I know he's right behind me. I hear banging on the wall, clashing of what little furniture we have, and his excessive cursing. Just as I reach my door, It's too late. I feel my bones cave in, my lungs almost giving out as the man without a face smashes my body against the floor. His words rape my skull as his body does the rest.

"You're gonna be just like that bitch, you little whore.."

I try to scream out, yet my little lungs won't let me. "Momma! Help! Get off! I-it hurts!"

Help.
HELP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eyes fly open, and the screaming immediately ceases. I'm pushed into the chest of a man, and it takes only a second to realize it's my master. I'm sobbing, my face laden with tears and terror. I can finally breathe again, and although the man without a face is not there, though my awful memory has stopped, my entire body aches as it did that day. I weakly wrap my arms around him, trying to stifle my sobs. I hear his voice, full of emotions I can't place.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Mina?Are you alright?"

My brain is still trying to make sense of his words as he lightly pushes me back, tilting my head up so our eyes meet. I see worry, anger.. grief? Could that be possible? I've never once seen a grief stricken Master, not even after the fire took place. I feel my muscles loosen as he massages my shoulders gently, not taking his eyes off of mine. Again he speaks, yet his words are now clear.

"Was it a nightmare?"

I shake my head, and find my voice. "A memory." It is hoarse, weak. Just like the rest of me. I force my tears back.

"A step father?" I shake my head.
"One of you mother's clients." This is not a question. My eyes widen in shock, how the hell did he know? He answers my unspoken question.
"You didn't think I wouldn't do a background check on you?"

I just stare at him, my mind and heart blank. I cannot think or conjure up any emotion as my mind tries to erase everything, just as it did years ago. All at once, I want to blame my master, tell him off, attack him for bringing up these awful memories. I never had a recollection of that night until he took me in. I practically forgot my entire childhood until he forced it back into me..

I notice I'm now cradled in his lap, my head against his shoulder. He speaks again. "What exactly happened in that memory of yours?"
I shake my head frantically, and notice the smile tugging at his lips. "You need to tell me, Mina."
"No I don't." I bark, wanting to glare at him yet knowing I'd only cry if I did meet his eyes again. It's all his fault, this man, this monster.. And yet, he's completely innocent, and for once, I feel as if he might even care about me. A single tear streams down my cheek,  yet to cover it up I bury my face into his neck, laying both of my hands against his chest. .He chuckles.

"You're overstepping your boundaries."

I keep my face where it is, and breathe the words into his neck. "You don't like being touched?" I realize how that sounds, and scold myself in my mind. He is obviously amused.

"Not without my consent, no."
"Well then, may I touch you, master?"
He laughs again. "Yes you may."

"Can I kiss you?" I feel both of our surprise as the words escape my mouth before I even think them. He tenses, as do I. and I reluctantly realize what is happening.
"Now why would you want to do that?
Again, my filter doesn't catch the words before they are spoken. "To know that you're not him." My tone is grave, yet honest. He sighs, and chances running his hand down my back.
"I'm not going to ask again. What did he do?"

"I really do not want to get into that right now."
I feel the amusement return to his voice. "What do you want to get into?"
{Your bed.} Entirely grateful that my brain caught the words before my mouth did, I come up with a more reasonable answer. "Anything that doesn't involve my past."
With that he smiles, removes me from him, stands up, and is at the door before I can even process what is happening.
"Well then, I should leave you alone for now. Feel free to use the bed." And before I can even think to reply,

he is gone.

Gloomsday

It's a simple gloomy day, in every sense of the word. My spirits are low, the rain and darkness outside my window is terribly saddening, and though I have my furry orange sister Luvbug cuddled on the bed to keep me company, I feel alone.

When I'm in this state, what do I do?Oh, you know, just look through old posts on here, facebook and Deviantart- some I've written, some from others, comments, etc. It's always the same outcome- blaming myself for past problems, wishing there was a way to go back and fix them.

Then I laugh when I realize how many of my posts involved missing my formers, and other complaints about love. Or rather, I laugh bitterly, then sigh when some of those posts still apply. To simply miss being cared about and loved by my formers is a feeling I know all too well.

I know that most people's reactions would be "You're with someone, it's bad that you miss the others. Suck it up and get over it."

But as said in previous posts, my heart is to big and mind to sentimental to simply forget that I love them. Do I love them more or less than my current? No, I believe I love all three at the same level. Yet society doesn't accept that. And I think 2 would have rather handcuffed us together than share me with someone else. =w=' He always got so jealous, even though he knew I was faithful.

I wonder, does it mean I'm not faithful for having feelings for others on top of feelings for my current? I don't believe that is so, because I wouldn't leave him for anyone nor would I want to hurt him in any way. When I go to hang out with a guy I ask him first, and I dismiss any kinds of flirtation. I simply just have longing to repeat some memories,  sometimes dream of my exes(though nothing sexual, hell, I don't even think I've kissed someone in a dream let alone that. At least nothing since 1 and I got back together.If anything mild flirting or cuddling. Most of the time it's just them just being there and not having anything really to do with the dream).

They say that, in a dream, if you dream of someone that person misses you. It sounds strange, but I've been wondering if it is true. And if it is, whose dreams have I popped into?

I knew of a man old and wise with
a beard of grey, a beard of grey
known as the creator of humans and Earth
or so they say, or so they say.

I watched him sculpt a human girl
with such great ease, with such great ease
choosing her parents and ideal traits
 suited to please, suited to please.

"I pity the man who falls for her"
I heard him say, I heard him say
"I pity the heart, the golden heart
he'll give away, he'll give away."

I didn't ask why he felt this way
the wise old man, the wise old man
Instead I watched her life unfold
before fate's plan,before fate's plan.

Such a lovely girl was she
with satin hair, with satin hair
and eyes of summer sparkling
without a care, without a care.

She wasn't like the other girls.
she was so rare, she was so rare,
she spoke her mind and yet was kind
She chose to dare, she chose to dare.

And dare she did, she lived her life
the way she chose, the way she chose.
It wasn't hard to fall in love with
such a rose, yes, such a rose.

 Yet as she grew so did the thoughts
of her last breath, of her last breath
as loneliness swept through her veins
 and scooped up death, and scooped up death.

For though she was so loved and dear
by many guys, by many guys
her heart could not accept their words.
they were all lies, they were all lies.

She couldn't be their lovely girl
though she would try, though she would try
getting obsessed with pleasing them
until she'd cry, until she'd cry.

And then I realized with such great pain
That God was wrong, that God was wrong
it wasn't the heart of the lovesick man
that was not strong, that was not strong

But rather the angel he sculpted then
who gave away, who gave away
her heart until it was no more..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This just came to me randomly, particularly the third stanza, in which I sculpted the rest based on. Not too sure what really became of it. -shrug- But I can say it took a completely different turn than what I originally had in mind.

Corrupting Him

At first, I would jokingly say that I corrupted 2 when we were younger, because of my sadistic roleplays and obsession with Orochimaru. In '08- I believe he was only twelve then- we had our first erotic roleplays. Reading them for the hell of it, I almost laughed at how innocent the both of us were and how we really didn't know what the hell we were writing, on top of both being illiterate. But, he was fricken 12. Realizing this, I actually feel guilty. Sure I was only like, 13-14 then myself, but realizing what had happened later, not only with me but other people on the site.. Well, I feel like I partially corrupted him to being so into that stuff, and even worse, good at it as time passed by.

I stumbled upon a series of PMs a while back on that site. It was a year later, a week or so after I broke it off with one.. Knowing all to well the bad memories it would stir up, I clicked on each one and read them. I almost cried, and guiltily, got turned on again by it. I honestly see that day, those messages, as my first time. And his first time.. I hope. God, that thought pains me so. He had a thing with this other girl whose name is a curse to me now(which kinda saddens me because there's 2 H!P idols with her name, but I digress.), and all of the people on her site were essentially perverted, and apparently they had a chatbox wedding(which I burst out laughing when he told me). So it makes me wonder if he ever did.. I never asked him, hell no. It would make things even worse between us.

I know it's stupid, saying my first time was through private messages with a boy I'd never meet in my lifetime and getting all worked up over it. But the feeling was real, pure. I wanted him then, so damn bad. We did a lot together after that day.. Almost like our relationship depended on it. Probably the reason why we drifted so far apart.

I wonder, if I never roleplayed those erotic Orochimaru x OC with him, would he have been that perverted so early? Would we have even done anything later, or become more than friends? It's hard to say. I guess in a way he still would have been corrupted at some point. Yet I am partially to blame for such an early corruption. Perhaps.. he partially corrupted me as well.

The worst part? I want to talk to him about all of this right now. I knew this would happen if I read back, but did I listen to my gut? No. So now,I just have to go to bed with these thoughts taunting me, wishing I could have a counseling session with my corrupted former love.

Human.

I am
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Pansexual
Human.

Humans are capable of falling in love with anyone. Love is an uncontrollable emotion.
Humans, if lucky, only experience love once. If even luckier, they experience love through their entire life, one heart swell at a time.
I'm that unlucky human who gets shunned because my heart can hold genuine feelings for three men and a woman at the same time.
Why is polyandry shunned? It's all a part of being human. Perhaps because love can be a selfish emotion- "she's my girl, no one elses. Her heart and body belongs to me." Now that I don't agree with at all. My heart is my heart, my love my own emotion that no one can fully possess. I understand the body part, slightly- I wouldn't want my love fooling around with another. So, my view of polyandry in moderation:

It is acceptable if:
Both the female and her partners genuinely love each other
The most intimate thing done between the female and any of her partners is kissing
The partners all know each other and respect this decision, as they all love her

I would be all for this.Why? Because I genuinely love everyone who I have ever been in a relationship with, in the relationship sense. They have a part of my heart that will never permit family, or friends that are like family. Because they are more to me than that. They are the reasons why I smile, cry, laugh, and sacrifice my happiness. I doubt know that this is all one-sided, as no one could ever feel that way about me, and so my wish is short-lived. But if people could accept I'm in love with more than one person at the same time.. Perhaps I wouldn't have to be fake anymore.

Fake.
Yeah, fake. I fake smiles. Fake 'fake interest' in something, or casualness. Fake fake fake. Because a real heart is something that is shunned, I have to turn it into something fake.

Pain

Another sleepless night.
Too much on my mind,
too much depression.
The craving ceased,
for cigarettes and food at least.
Now.. pain? What the hell?

I mean, sure. I have these feelings
when I'm so angry I just want to feel pain,
stab myself, start biting again.
Even if I did bite, it wouldn't be the same.
 I've bitten so many times that the wrist
no longer feels the pain I need.
I used to be able to get my knee cap,
but I can't stretch that far any more.

It pisses me off.
How vulnerable I am.
How strong I try to be.
How the only people who understand
aren't the one's I want to hear from.
How hearing from the others
piss me off, because they
blow me off like I mean nothing.

I want to bite even more.
Be bitten even more.
I used to roleplay sadistically
so I wouldn't have to result to real pain.
If I did that now, even if it's OCs,
I would feel like I'm cheating.
Plus, it lost it's luster after dating 2.

Not just the sadism, but cybering in general.
Roleplaying in general.
Because he was the only one I wanted
to do those things with.

I know I can't depend on him.
I know he wouldn't do it anymore.
But damn it, when I get like this,
I can't help but crave it.
No matter how much I now detest it,
no matter how much I love 1.

1 doesn't understand my pain,
or lackthere of. I send a cry of help,
he merely says he doesn't know what to say.
I'm DYING. The least you could do
is try and comfort. Try and understand.
Don't make me feel worse.
Lonely.
Lonely..