It is close to midnight, and I've just worked a long night. I come home to the house I own and my love greets me at the door with a smile and a hug. He has drawn me a bubble bath and put my penguin bath robe on the door. I hop in the tub, he sits on the toilet as if it were a chair, and we talk about eachother's day while I soak. By this time he has a job, and he works days while I work evenings. Our daughter of the feline species sneaks into the bathroom, meows as loud ad she can, and headbutts me. We all laugh.
He helps me out of the tub and wraps the robe around me, holding me close. We hug in silence for a minute until Yossie meows again. Laughing, I pick her up and carry her to the kitchen where I give her a treat and fix up a small snack for myself.
Sitting in our luxurious memory-foam bed, I eat my snack and we watch TV for a half an hour or so before it's time for bed. He kisses my forehead goodnight, I kiss him on the lips, and then we fall asleep in eachother's arms.
I wake up before him, and lie next to him for a couple minutes before I get up(and probably shoo Yossie off of my legs), run to the bathroom, and then cook us breakfast. It just finishes cooking by the time he wakes up. We eat at our brand new kitchen table, then he gets ready for work while I do some chores before my shift starts. When I come home this night, I'll have time to make us a nice dinner, and then we play a boardgame and maybe make love before bed. Each night ends differently, but it's always a happy ending.
I would give up most of my current life to be able to make this a reality in the next two years.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Haunted
You still haunt me everyday.
When I'm on tumblr, I see something
that reminds me of you.
When I'm at work, a customer
looking exactly like you
gets in my line.
When I listen to music,
somehow, somewhere,
I hear your voice.
I want to forget you so badly,
but the only way I can is if my brain
is damaged beyond compare.
Because you are in every memory.
You are in every dream, every sense,
every thought and every ounce of loneliness.
You haunt me worse than any crime,
any scar, any ghost.
When I'm on tumblr, I see something
that reminds me of you.
When I'm at work, a customer
looking exactly like you
gets in my line.
When I listen to music,
somehow, somewhere,
I hear your voice.
I want to forget you so badly,
but the only way I can is if my brain
is damaged beyond compare.
Because you are in every memory.
You are in every dream, every sense,
every thought and every ounce of loneliness.
You haunt me worse than any crime,
any scar, any ghost.
Monday, December 22, 2014
The Things You Miss.
You forget the luxuries of living alone.
Blasting music, don't have to share the computer, can eat whenever you want, can sleep whenever you want, and can take up the entire bed without feeling guilty.
But you miss opening your eyes and seeing his sleeping face, coming home from a day of work and being welcomed with kisses and nuzzles. You miss watching videos together, laughing about stupid shit. You miss the showers and the dinner dates and the times when it was just the two of you. You miss the late night scrabble, and the moment of cuddling before you both scurry to your opposite sides of the bed, one of you almost falling off.
I'm meant to live alone. I function better when I'm able to do my own thing.
But damn, I'd do anything to get another week with you.
Blasting music, don't have to share the computer, can eat whenever you want, can sleep whenever you want, and can take up the entire bed without feeling guilty.
But you miss opening your eyes and seeing his sleeping face, coming home from a day of work and being welcomed with kisses and nuzzles. You miss watching videos together, laughing about stupid shit. You miss the showers and the dinner dates and the times when it was just the two of you. You miss the late night scrabble, and the moment of cuddling before you both scurry to your opposite sides of the bed, one of you almost falling off.
I'm meant to live alone. I function better when I'm able to do my own thing.
But damn, I'd do anything to get another week with you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The People He Touched:. Lucy
This Is Not Our Story.
There is a voice only audible to those who choose to hear it. The carrier of this voice can take on many forms, use many tactics, and effects each person differently. What could save one person’s life could take another’s in just one quick moment. We know this. Our purpose is to give words to that voice, to inform you that he exists.
This is not our story.
We are merely the people he touched.
Lucy.
The first time I remember seeing him was on my fifth birthday. The overwhelming scent combination of hot dogs, french fries, popcorn and funnel cakes filled the air of what was supposed to be a church parking lot. Set along the left hand curb were tents with giant stuffed animals and toys hanging inside them. Right in the center of the lot was a small booth with a tiny window, where tickets would be purchased for the many rides and attractions they offered. On my wrist was a yellow paper wristband, that magically matched the polka-dotted bandana tied around the crown of my head. I was waiting for this fair since last year, because I was finally tall enough to ride most of the rides. The smile on my face was almost as bright as the blinking lights on the Merry Go Round or UFO ride, and my laughter was louder than the music. I held on to both of my parents' hands as we walked, swinging our arms back and forth, until we came to a stop. You had to tilt your head all the way up to see the top of this giant metal wheel, with 16 thin seats suspended between the bars. Your feet hung off the side freely, and the seat belt was a rectangular door with a safety bar. I take a step back and bump into my mother's leg.
"What's wrong, Luchia? You've been talking about the Ferris Wheel all week!" My dad laughs while ruffling my hair.
"I didn't realize THIS was it!" I shout, then go quiet as the whirring starts. The seats go much faster than the one I saw in the movies. I hear a kid scream from the top. My stomach drops, and I quickly look down. Through the corner of my eye I see someone kneel down next to me. Thinking it's my dad, I go to hug them, but I immediately fold back in when our eyes meet. He doesn't look like my dad, but he also doesn't seem like a stranger. My parents warned me about strangers. But this man.. he was so familiar, almost welcoming, like a distant relative. He is young, looking similar to my thirteen year old cousin Gabriel. He has curly hair down to his chin, cornflake yellow with a slightly tan face. Green eyes shine through thick, rectangular framed glasses. I smile lightly at him, and he returns the favour. His voice is very friendly.
"Hey there, Lucy." He glances up at the wheel, then at me. "Not at all what you were expecting, huh? He chuckles as I shake my head furiously. "Doesn't seem fun at all, in my opinion. Someone could get hurt. I sure don't want you getting hurt." Normally my cousin would jokingly punch me, yet this person remained in place, arms loosely hanging over his knees. Even when he stood, I barely had to look up. "What looks fun to you?"
I glance around and notice the Merry Go Round, the hand painted horses and zebras dancing around at a slow pace to the whimsical orgel tune. "The Merry go Round." I answer him, and both of my parents look at me. "I'd like to do that instead."
"Well, that's settled then!" My dad's voice takes over, and my mom picks me up. As they carry me to the line, I look back to thank him.
He must have gone to a different ride.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Second Thoughts:.
I walk into the house after a long day at work. It's around midnight, and everyone in the house is either asleep or outside. I throw my hat on the floor, flip the bathroom light on and brush my teeth while looking down. It's just as I finish up when I hear a voice behind me. "You're really going to move, huh?" The tone is amused, almost taunting, and I don't need to look up to know who it is.
Quite a handsome man stands behind me. His ashen hair falls to mid back in a messy ponytail, and darke green eyes glint behind thin framed glasses. He stands at 5 feet and 6 inches, a little taller than myself, in black denim and a red satin vest. I glance up at him through the mirror and see his arms playfully crossed, the hint of a smile on his face while his eyes are serious. I don't show emotion, I cannot show emotion to this man. I reach for m ponytail and tighten it. "I am."
He nods once, then shifts his weight so he's leaning slightly backwards. "I'm surprised. You might have reasons, understandable reasons for wanting to return home, yet your dad didn't seem to have an answer for you, did he?" He saunters over and puts his right hand on my shoulder. "What if he doesn't say yes?" His hand slides down to my chest, and my breathing staggers. I look into his eyes through the mirror.
"He will say yes. There's not a doubt in my mind." I boldly say. A light chuckle escapes his throat and his eyes glow with amusement, yet he doesn't move. His arm dangles over me, his torso ever so slightly brushing up against my back. He thinks for a moment before he speaks again.
"Let's say he does say yes, and you leave your boyfriend behind. He'd be devastated, no? Enough to be unfaithful to you in your long distance relationship. Or perhaps.." His voice gets silkier, almost feminine. "You will be the one to find someone new. To break ties." He goes to kiss my neck and I move my hand just in time to where his lips kiss my middle finger. He frowns, and I remain strong. I will not let him trick me again. I can stare him in the face and not be pulled in. And so I turn to face him, despite the pace of my heart and the slight risk I take. He tries one more tactic.
"If perhaps you do break ties, whether it be due to another lover or not being able to handle being apart for so long, it would be a shame. Everything you sacrificed for him would mean nothing. Everything that you worked for would mean nothing. You would have wasted three whole years of your life." I bite my cheek to hold back retaliation and look away. He trails his finger along my stomach and up to my chin, tilting my face so our eyes met. "You would have to start all over because you have to and not because you want to. You would fall to pieces." As he says this his lips inch closer to mine, and at the very last word they meet. My mouth willingly opens to let him in, to taste and to torture and to give in as he planned. He holds me way too close and way too rough. As the kiss breaks he gives me an accomplished grin. "It would be best to think about this more, my dear. Let me linger for a few nights before you decide, hm?"
I am defeated. With a sigh, I let him take my shirt off and lead me to the bed. We lie on our left sides, pressed together with legs entwined. He kisses my cheek and in my lover's voice, says "goodnight".
"Goodnight, Fear."
Quite a handsome man stands behind me. His ashen hair falls to mid back in a messy ponytail, and darke green eyes glint behind thin framed glasses. He stands at 5 feet and 6 inches, a little taller than myself, in black denim and a red satin vest. I glance up at him through the mirror and see his arms playfully crossed, the hint of a smile on his face while his eyes are serious. I don't show emotion, I cannot show emotion to this man. I reach for m ponytail and tighten it. "I am."
He nods once, then shifts his weight so he's leaning slightly backwards. "I'm surprised. You might have reasons, understandable reasons for wanting to return home, yet your dad didn't seem to have an answer for you, did he?" He saunters over and puts his right hand on my shoulder. "What if he doesn't say yes?" His hand slides down to my chest, and my breathing staggers. I look into his eyes through the mirror.
"He will say yes. There's not a doubt in my mind." I boldly say. A light chuckle escapes his throat and his eyes glow with amusement, yet he doesn't move. His arm dangles over me, his torso ever so slightly brushing up against my back. He thinks for a moment before he speaks again.
"Let's say he does say yes, and you leave your boyfriend behind. He'd be devastated, no? Enough to be unfaithful to you in your long distance relationship. Or perhaps.." His voice gets silkier, almost feminine. "You will be the one to find someone new. To break ties." He goes to kiss my neck and I move my hand just in time to where his lips kiss my middle finger. He frowns, and I remain strong. I will not let him trick me again. I can stare him in the face and not be pulled in. And so I turn to face him, despite the pace of my heart and the slight risk I take. He tries one more tactic.
"If perhaps you do break ties, whether it be due to another lover or not being able to handle being apart for so long, it would be a shame. Everything you sacrificed for him would mean nothing. Everything that you worked for would mean nothing. You would have wasted three whole years of your life." I bite my cheek to hold back retaliation and look away. He trails his finger along my stomach and up to my chin, tilting my face so our eyes met. "You would have to start all over because you have to and not because you want to. You would fall to pieces." As he says this his lips inch closer to mine, and at the very last word they meet. My mouth willingly opens to let him in, to taste and to torture and to give in as he planned. He holds me way too close and way too rough. As the kiss breaks he gives me an accomplished grin. "It would be best to think about this more, my dear. Let me linger for a few nights before you decide, hm?"
I am defeated. With a sigh, I let him take my shirt off and lead me to the bed. We lie on our left sides, pressed together with legs entwined. He kisses my cheek and in my lover's voice, says "goodnight".
"Goodnight, Fear."
Monday, August 25, 2014
He was in my dream last night.
I was finally about to meet him. I was home(as in, at my first house with my family) and Love was with me. They were at Love's house, for an unknown reason. I was about to ask my mom to drive us to meet him, very nervously, when they come through the door. I know it was him because I even used his name.
His girlfriend was with him. I smile at her, then shake his hand. That's it. Nothing romantic, no crying because I finally got to meet my first love or any jealousy. It just happened.
I'm trying to decipher the dream. Is this just how I want it to go, if I were to ever meet him? Is this my brain telling me I'm over him? Or my brain giving me 'closure' because I am indeed semi-jealous and missing them?
I guess I'll never know.
His girlfriend was with him. I smile at her, then shake his hand. That's it. Nothing romantic, no crying because I finally got to meet my first love or any jealousy. It just happened.
I'm trying to decipher the dream. Is this just how I want it to go, if I were to ever meet him? Is this my brain telling me I'm over him? Or my brain giving me 'closure' because I am indeed semi-jealous and missing them?
I guess I'll never know.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Unofficial Girlfriend
I haven't gotten into much of my personal stuff regarding my recent self discovery, but as you may know I'm openly pansexual. I've been physically and emotionally attracted to transgender, female, male, and everywhere in between, and will happily make it aware. Though in the three relationships I've had, they've always been straight and male, and I've never actually got to explore that other side of me. Never got to kiss, cuddle, or date a girl. Never got to ask one out on a date or confess my affection towards them or anything of the like. It was that fact that brought me to ask my love for an Open Relationship, so I could casually date a girl or two and find out what it was like.
The open relationship agreement stated that the two of us could casually go on dates, as long as we ask for permission and granted said permission from each other. If for any reason the other partner denies permission, the date does not happen. Restricted actions include any sexual act, but we could still hold hands or cuddle.
I haven't brought it up in a long while, because I know he's against it even though he simply says 'I don't know.' And I totally understand why he wouldn't be okay with it. But that part of me still exists.
So, my mind got me to believe that I'm kinda sorta dating a new friend of mine, who is also a co worker. It's almost scary how much we have in common, from our work ethic to interests right down to our taste in music. We've hung out several times, unofficial dinner dates and festivals. We've never done anything intimate, and since we both are in committed relationships, probably never will. She's just a friend as the definition of one would go, and I'm perfectly fine with that.
If the situation were different, we probably would be in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought this too. But for now, we can be the dorky friends that we currently are and fangirl over Jpop idols as we impatiently wait for Momusu's October concert.
The open relationship agreement stated that the two of us could casually go on dates, as long as we ask for permission and granted said permission from each other. If for any reason the other partner denies permission, the date does not happen. Restricted actions include any sexual act, but we could still hold hands or cuddle.
I haven't brought it up in a long while, because I know he's against it even though he simply says 'I don't know.' And I totally understand why he wouldn't be okay with it. But that part of me still exists.
So, my mind got me to believe that I'm kinda sorta dating a new friend of mine, who is also a co worker. It's almost scary how much we have in common, from our work ethic to interests right down to our taste in music. We've hung out several times, unofficial dinner dates and festivals. We've never done anything intimate, and since we both are in committed relationships, probably never will. She's just a friend as the definition of one would go, and I'm perfectly fine with that.
If the situation were different, we probably would be in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought this too. But for now, we can be the dorky friends that we currently are and fangirl over Jpop idols as we impatiently wait for Momusu's October concert.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Too Cold For Angels To Fly:. Chapter Five:.The Explicit Version
We're in our old apartment, Angel and I. Playing a silly game of
Batman-themed Trouble that we bought at a dollar store, and enjoying our
ice cream sundaes. Her face is full of life, her eyes sparkling behind
her thick-framed glasses. Her hair is pixie short, and she's wearing my
class ring as a necklace. A school couple's traditional sign of
commitment, yes, but she never asked for anything more, and I never
thought about it. School first, family later; That was my way of
thinking.
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's sitting on a bed at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. Very clearly, as if watching a movie, I can hear what's going on.
"You know the deal, hun. Money first." Her voice is firm, yet sexy. His is borderline drunk, gravely.
"And what if I don't like what I get?"
"This is the third time this month, I'm pretty sure you like what you get." She lifts herself from the bed, takes a few steps towards him, and holds her hand out further. "What do you say, sexy?" She forces the last word, but he buys into it. He fishes the cash out of his pants which are littered on the floor, puts it in her messenger bag, then makes his way right over to her. "That's better." She adds a soft giggle, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him deeply. She goes to release the kiss, but he won't let her. He's practically forcing his tongue gown her throat as he pushes her to the bed. She goes along with it, helping him position themselves on the bed. She's tugging his hair with one hand, the other keeping herself balanced as he towers over her. She's gasping for air as he finally lets the kiss go, then gasping of mild surprise as he bites down on the right side of her neck. He sucks the patch of bruised skin as he tears her bra and panties off, and she merely approves with a string of light sighs and moans. She's used to this. She's mapped out what he does to a tee, and everything goes like it had two times before.
Until.
The client throws his boxers to the other side of the room, spreads open her legs, and goes to dive right in. Quickly she maneuvers herself so she's kneeling, despite his weight on her. "Condom." She simply says. He shakes his head and tries again. This time she rolls off the bed, keeping her distance. "You know my rules."
"Your rules should change unless you want to go another day without food." Her face twists as she looks down at her skinny frame, her ribs almost poking out from behind the skin. She sighs.
"Take your money. I'm leaving." Before she can even grab her clothes he grabs her, slamming her against the wall. She yelps, the yelp being stifled by his tongue. She's lifted off the ground, pinned on the wall by his weight, legs spread against her will. He thrusts into her without warning. She lets out a horrifying moan into his mouth, her body writhing. She doesn't want this. She's absolutely terrified, helpless. His lips leave hers as he rams into her again, and knowing better, she bites her lip to stop from crying out. His arms grab her wrists so tightly they could bleed, his chest is crushing hers. He speaks after the third thrust.
"You want this, you sick bitch. You need this. You need me." He whispers into her ear. "Scream for me, whore. Let me know you want it."
She hesitates. She's completely numb, trying to get away by forcing her mind somewhere else. Her tired eyes avoid his lusting, raging orbs of blue. He pushes up harder against her, removes his hand, and smacks her thigh as hard as he can. "Tell me!"
She's choking back tears as she lets out a moan and a whimper. "More.." her voice is shattered, as is the rest of her. He starts to soften his grip. As her only way of defense, she moans again. "Yes.. Nnh.. More! Please! Master.."
He likes that alot. A twisted smile shines on his face as he quickens his pace, leaving kisses on her neck. It's working. "A-aahn! Master.. Fuck me.. H-harder.." Tears are streaming down her face, but he doesn't even notice. Without warning he pulls out of her and removes his body, letting her drop to the floor. She wants to move. She wants to run right out of there, away from him. But she can't. He picks her up by the hair and drags her over to the bed, throwing her onto her stomach. Her eyes widen, holding a silent prayer that he doesn't do what she thinks he's going to. I hear myself cursing him off, but I'm not there. He can't hear anything but panting, groaning. He lets out a cackle that slices right through the ears as he lifts her ass up, finds the hole that hasn't been used, and slams into her. A blood-curding scream echoes throughout the room. He slaps her again on the side, hitting her rib cage. I try to hard to open my eyes, to get away from this, but I'm just as helpless as her. She's clawing the sheets, biting down on her lip, hard. "Stop.." She's barely audible, but he hears it. He slaps her again.
"Wrong word, Angel baby. Make your master cum. Tell him what he wants to hear."
She's gasping, holding back sobs with each thrust, trying to gather words despite the lump in her throat. Her lip is bleeding, as are her wrists. She can't get herself to speak, so she tries to move in time with his thrusts. He growls, grabbing her breast with one hand and squeezing it as hard as he can. She has to speak to save herself. She starts with a light moan. "Master.. I want all of you inside of me. Now.. Nh.. Please!" He stills, pushing as far as he can go, and dumps everything inside of her. He lets her drop as he pulls out of her, and stands back to see the girl he just destroyed. He shakes his head, grabs his clothes from the other side of the room, and dresses with ease. His final words to her:
"I'll let you keep the money. Until next time, Angel Baby."
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. I sigh deeply, trying to forget what I just witnessed. It left me with so many questions, so much that I needed to know. Only, I didn't need to know. It wasn't any of my business and wouldn't help her in any way. She notices the grave look on my face and cocks her head to the side. "What is it, Olli?"
"..May I ask you about your 'job'?" I made sure to use air quotes, getting a somewhat bitter laugh from Angel. She looks back down at the toy, and sets it down, hugging her knees.
"Sure. I'm assuming that's what the dream was about."
"You know me too well." I sigh, trying to think of where to start. "I don't even know what to ask."
She nods. "Not an easy thing to talk about unless you're a client." She laughs. I don't. Clearing her throat, she goes on. "I didn't start out with prostituting, if that's what you think. After my steady job as a waitress fell through, I couldn't get rehired. The only place that even called me back for an interview was a strip bar. Started as a bartender, but then they saw what I'm like when I have too much to drink and made me a performer. It paid well." Silence. her face changes. "But it wasn't enough to get myself in a stable spot. So one of the customers said they'd pay me for a night with me all to themselves. Needless to say I said yes. But I still had standards."
"Standards?" It was starting to sound like my dream. I shiver, and she pretends not to notice.
"Have to be paid first. Otherwise there's a good chance of not getting paid at all." Her eyes meet mine for a quick moment before looking away. "No video cameras, no people watching. No drugs, though alcohol is okay. But most importantly, they have to use a condom." My stomach lurches. My mouth moves without me knowing.
"Has anyone taken advantage of that rule?"
She goes silent, and my heart breaks all over again. "There's always that one person once in a while. But it's not that common. Most of my clients respect my rules." I feel my muscles loosen at this, and the tension between us starts to thin out. "I made sure to take the day after pill when it did happen though, so don't worry." Somehow, she manages a light smile. I catch myself smiling back. "Any other questions?"
"What's the worst thing they--" Again my mouth moves on impulse, but I catch it. "Nothing. Forget it."
"The worst thing they ever did to me?" Her eyes meet mine. She's flashing back to the bad memories. I instantly feel horrible for saying it. She goes to speak, and I hope to got she doesn't say anal rape. "There were a few who left without paying me. Then there were others, thankfully one-shotters as I call them, who were more on the sadistic side. " Her eyes leave mine again as she rubs her hip. I feel like I'm going to throw up, remembering what the demon in my nightmare did to her. Someone must've treated her that way, if not worse.
"Why do you put up with it?" I scoot a tiny bit closer only for our eyes to meet again, hers widening as I move. I stop dead, but don't leave her gaze.
"It's hard to turn back from a life like this, Oliver. It changes everything. Physical labor. Diet. Sleep schedule, health, fear." She hangs onto that last word. "Not to mention being incapable of intimacy."
I understand that. If ever she found love again, she wouldn't be able to show her affection. The simplest kiss would make her shrivel up, let alone sex. For the safety of her partner she probably wouldn't give herself to him. And, even if she did clean up and find love, if they knew what she was before, they wouldn't want her. I sigh, mushing my face with both hands. I get a light chuckle in response from Angel. "Tired?"
"Very." I yawn, triggering one from herself as she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I smile. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's sitting on a bed at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. Very clearly, as if watching a movie, I can hear what's going on.
"You know the deal, hun. Money first." Her voice is firm, yet sexy. His is borderline drunk, gravely.
"And what if I don't like what I get?"
"This is the third time this month, I'm pretty sure you like what you get." She lifts herself from the bed, takes a few steps towards him, and holds her hand out further. "What do you say, sexy?" She forces the last word, but he buys into it. He fishes the cash out of his pants which are littered on the floor, puts it in her messenger bag, then makes his way right over to her. "That's better." She adds a soft giggle, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him deeply. She goes to release the kiss, but he won't let her. He's practically forcing his tongue gown her throat as he pushes her to the bed. She goes along with it, helping him position themselves on the bed. She's tugging his hair with one hand, the other keeping herself balanced as he towers over her. She's gasping for air as he finally lets the kiss go, then gasping of mild surprise as he bites down on the right side of her neck. He sucks the patch of bruised skin as he tears her bra and panties off, and she merely approves with a string of light sighs and moans. She's used to this. She's mapped out what he does to a tee, and everything goes like it had two times before.
Until.
The client throws his boxers to the other side of the room, spreads open her legs, and goes to dive right in. Quickly she maneuvers herself so she's kneeling, despite his weight on her. "Condom." She simply says. He shakes his head and tries again. This time she rolls off the bed, keeping her distance. "You know my rules."
"Your rules should change unless you want to go another day without food." Her face twists as she looks down at her skinny frame, her ribs almost poking out from behind the skin. She sighs.
"Take your money. I'm leaving." Before she can even grab her clothes he grabs her, slamming her against the wall. She yelps, the yelp being stifled by his tongue. She's lifted off the ground, pinned on the wall by his weight, legs spread against her will. He thrusts into her without warning. She lets out a horrifying moan into his mouth, her body writhing. She doesn't want this. She's absolutely terrified, helpless. His lips leave hers as he rams into her again, and knowing better, she bites her lip to stop from crying out. His arms grab her wrists so tightly they could bleed, his chest is crushing hers. He speaks after the third thrust.
"You want this, you sick bitch. You need this. You need me." He whispers into her ear. "Scream for me, whore. Let me know you want it."
She hesitates. She's completely numb, trying to get away by forcing her mind somewhere else. Her tired eyes avoid his lusting, raging orbs of blue. He pushes up harder against her, removes his hand, and smacks her thigh as hard as he can. "Tell me!"
She's choking back tears as she lets out a moan and a whimper. "More.." her voice is shattered, as is the rest of her. He starts to soften his grip. As her only way of defense, she moans again. "Yes.. Nnh.. More! Please! Master.."
He likes that alot. A twisted smile shines on his face as he quickens his pace, leaving kisses on her neck. It's working. "A-aahn! Master.. Fuck me.. H-harder.." Tears are streaming down her face, but he doesn't even notice. Without warning he pulls out of her and removes his body, letting her drop to the floor. She wants to move. She wants to run right out of there, away from him. But she can't. He picks her up by the hair and drags her over to the bed, throwing her onto her stomach. Her eyes widen, holding a silent prayer that he doesn't do what she thinks he's going to. I hear myself cursing him off, but I'm not there. He can't hear anything but panting, groaning. He lets out a cackle that slices right through the ears as he lifts her ass up, finds the hole that hasn't been used, and slams into her. A blood-curding scream echoes throughout the room. He slaps her again on the side, hitting her rib cage. I try to hard to open my eyes, to get away from this, but I'm just as helpless as her. She's clawing the sheets, biting down on her lip, hard. "Stop.." She's barely audible, but he hears it. He slaps her again.
"Wrong word, Angel baby. Make your master cum. Tell him what he wants to hear."
She's gasping, holding back sobs with each thrust, trying to gather words despite the lump in her throat. Her lip is bleeding, as are her wrists. She can't get herself to speak, so she tries to move in time with his thrusts. He growls, grabbing her breast with one hand and squeezing it as hard as he can. She has to speak to save herself. She starts with a light moan. "Master.. I want all of you inside of me. Now.. Nh.. Please!" He stills, pushing as far as he can go, and dumps everything inside of her. He lets her drop as he pulls out of her, and stands back to see the girl he just destroyed. He shakes his head, grabs his clothes from the other side of the room, and dresses with ease. His final words to her:
"I'll let you keep the money. Until next time, Angel Baby."
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. I sigh deeply, trying to forget what I just witnessed. It left me with so many questions, so much that I needed to know. Only, I didn't need to know. It wasn't any of my business and wouldn't help her in any way. She notices the grave look on my face and cocks her head to the side. "What is it, Olli?"
"..May I ask you about your 'job'?" I made sure to use air quotes, getting a somewhat bitter laugh from Angel. She looks back down at the toy, and sets it down, hugging her knees.
"Sure. I'm assuming that's what the dream was about."
"You know me too well." I sigh, trying to think of where to start. "I don't even know what to ask."
She nods. "Not an easy thing to talk about unless you're a client." She laughs. I don't. Clearing her throat, she goes on. "I didn't start out with prostituting, if that's what you think. After my steady job as a waitress fell through, I couldn't get rehired. The only place that even called me back for an interview was a strip bar. Started as a bartender, but then they saw what I'm like when I have too much to drink and made me a performer. It paid well." Silence. her face changes. "But it wasn't enough to get myself in a stable spot. So one of the customers said they'd pay me for a night with me all to themselves. Needless to say I said yes. But I still had standards."
"Standards?" It was starting to sound like my dream. I shiver, and she pretends not to notice.
"Have to be paid first. Otherwise there's a good chance of not getting paid at all." Her eyes meet mine for a quick moment before looking away. "No video cameras, no people watching. No drugs, though alcohol is okay. But most importantly, they have to use a condom." My stomach lurches. My mouth moves without me knowing.
"Has anyone taken advantage of that rule?"
She goes silent, and my heart breaks all over again. "There's always that one person once in a while. But it's not that common. Most of my clients respect my rules." I feel my muscles loosen at this, and the tension between us starts to thin out. "I made sure to take the day after pill when it did happen though, so don't worry." Somehow, she manages a light smile. I catch myself smiling back. "Any other questions?"
"What's the worst thing they--" Again my mouth moves on impulse, but I catch it. "Nothing. Forget it."
"The worst thing they ever did to me?" Her eyes meet mine. She's flashing back to the bad memories. I instantly feel horrible for saying it. She goes to speak, and I hope to got she doesn't say anal rape. "There were a few who left without paying me. Then there were others, thankfully one-shotters as I call them, who were more on the sadistic side. " Her eyes leave mine again as she rubs her hip. I feel like I'm going to throw up, remembering what the demon in my nightmare did to her. Someone must've treated her that way, if not worse.
"Why do you put up with it?" I scoot a tiny bit closer only for our eyes to meet again, hers widening as I move. I stop dead, but don't leave her gaze.
"It's hard to turn back from a life like this, Oliver. It changes everything. Physical labor. Diet. Sleep schedule, health, fear." She hangs onto that last word. "Not to mention being incapable of intimacy."
I understand that. If ever she found love again, she wouldn't be able to show her affection. The simplest kiss would make her shrivel up, let alone sex. For the safety of her partner she probably wouldn't give herself to him. And, even if she did clean up and find love, if they knew what she was before, they wouldn't want her. I sigh, mushing my face with both hands. I get a light chuckle in response from Angel. "Tired?"
"Very." I yawn, triggering one from herself as she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I smile. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
Writer's Block:.Poem
My muses are no longer amusing,
the pen no longer spills red ink.
The clouds in my mind do not condense,
thus rain cannot stain the paper.
A blank slate, though cliche,
is the only thing I see.
Perhaps to mean rebirth,
yet the newborn does not go blind.
The faces are stamped on each letter,
even if it is not from nor addressed to them.
Ink can be smudged, yet the one who smears it
can still read the fine print.
the pen no longer spills red ink.
The clouds in my mind do not condense,
thus rain cannot stain the paper.
A blank slate, though cliche,
is the only thing I see.
Perhaps to mean rebirth,
yet the newborn does not go blind.
The faces are stamped on each letter,
even if it is not from nor addressed to them.
Ink can be smudged, yet the one who smears it
can still read the fine print.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Fear
My past is something I cling to,
not because I fear the future,
but I fear memory loss.
I don't want to forget the friendships I've made,
The love, the loss, the simplicity and complications.
I fear that one day I will wake up
and not know who you are.
I will introduce myself to friends
as if they are strangers on the street,
and not dare to think that perhaps they
saved my life, or inspired me, or hurt me.
I cling to the past because of fear.
Without my memories I have nothing.
Wisdom, character, will power, caution.
I would be a helpless woman having to
re-learn the suffering and splendors of this life.
If I never meet you,
will it be easier to forget?
If I meet you,
will the past and present also meet?
Will they join together,
or drift even farther apart?
not because I fear the future,
but I fear memory loss.
I don't want to forget the friendships I've made,
The love, the loss, the simplicity and complications.
I fear that one day I will wake up
and not know who you are.
I will introduce myself to friends
as if they are strangers on the street,
and not dare to think that perhaps they
saved my life, or inspired me, or hurt me.
I cling to the past because of fear.
Without my memories I have nothing.
Wisdom, character, will power, caution.
I would be a helpless woman having to
re-learn the suffering and splendors of this life.
If I never meet you,
will it be easier to forget?
If I meet you,
will the past and present also meet?
Will they join together,
or drift even farther apart?
Friday, December 13, 2013
Routines since I moved in
Biting 3-15 Times a day
Starving myself/going to bed hungry
Crying self to sleep
Planning how to kill them
Wondering how a cigarette tastes
Leaving the house without telling anyone and no one bothering to care
Suicidal thoughts
Reminding myself why I suffer
Working myself to the bone at my job and not wanting to leave
Not wanting to do anything but sleep and have sex when I am 'home'
Trying as hard as I can to not refer to this place as my home
Starving myself/going to bed hungry
Crying self to sleep
Planning how to kill them
Wondering how a cigarette tastes
Leaving the house without telling anyone and no one bothering to care
Suicidal thoughts
Reminding myself why I suffer
Working myself to the bone at my job and not wanting to leave
Not wanting to do anything but sleep and have sex when I am 'home'
Trying as hard as I can to not refer to this place as my home
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Home Part 2
So, I absolutely love it here <3 My motivation is back; I've been learning dances, studied for two hours of my own free will. My confidence is back, too, ever since I got that haircut yesterday. I haven't had a haircut since before Easter 2013, and oh my goodness she did such a great job <3 I actually want to wear my natural hair out in public more often, and my confidence boosted. 8D I even got a few look-overs from intrigues people in the mall as I walked by.
There's so many shopping districts here, too. There's two malls, about 6 or 7 shopping districts/strip malls, and fast food places/restaurants out the ying-yang within 15 minutes of here! I've easily spent 200 already, but everything was worth it and counted as a birthday gift to myself. I barely get out and shop for myself anymore, other than for necessities like food. If Love and I moved here, we'd have no problem finding jobs. I could transfer to a Wawa up here(though I have never worked at a gas store before 8D') and get a job on the side, and Love could apply for a supermarket or retail. There's so many places around to apply to, so we'd have a lot of opportunities.
I haven't spoken to him about it yet, let alone asked my parents. I want to do my research first; I'd like to see how easy it would be to transfer stores and if my benefits will still count, ways to get everything to my parents house as easily as possible, the nearest schools and bus systems in PA. I'd like him to come visit first, see what he thinks. My father allowed a change to the no-boyfriends-sleeping-over rule, but he'd have to sleep in the basement(which once we get furniture and stuff down there will be like a mini-apartment.) If my parents can see how good he treats me, how much potential he has, they might consider when I ask if we could move in and either he or the both of us would pay rent.
I'm going to talk it over with him, definitely. Perhaps sooner if my depression comes back right after I go back to Jersey. I think it would do us both good to get out of such a stressful environment and actually move on in our lives. Start paving the way for if and when we get our own place, and whatever may follow afterwards.
I'm just not sure where to start. -sweatdrop-
There's so many shopping districts here, too. There's two malls, about 6 or 7 shopping districts/strip malls, and fast food places/restaurants out the ying-yang within 15 minutes of here! I've easily spent 200 already, but everything was worth it and counted as a birthday gift to myself. I barely get out and shop for myself anymore, other than for necessities like food. If Love and I moved here, we'd have no problem finding jobs. I could transfer to a Wawa up here(though I have never worked at a gas store before 8D') and get a job on the side, and Love could apply for a supermarket or retail. There's so many places around to apply to, so we'd have a lot of opportunities.
I haven't spoken to him about it yet, let alone asked my parents. I want to do my research first; I'd like to see how easy it would be to transfer stores and if my benefits will still count, ways to get everything to my parents house as easily as possible, the nearest schools and bus systems in PA. I'd like him to come visit first, see what he thinks. My father allowed a change to the no-boyfriends-sleeping-over rule, but he'd have to sleep in the basement(which once we get furniture and stuff down there will be like a mini-apartment.) If my parents can see how good he treats me, how much potential he has, they might consider when I ask if we could move in and either he or the both of us would pay rent.
I'm going to talk it over with him, definitely. Perhaps sooner if my depression comes back right after I go back to Jersey. I think it would do us both good to get out of such a stressful environment and actually move on in our lives. Start paving the way for if and when we get our own place, and whatever may follow afterwards.
I'm just not sure where to start. -sweatdrop-
We Could Be The Same:.
The air is still, almost suffocating as the kunoichi makes her way through the forest. Being the morning before the scheduled invasion, it was no time to do what she was planning. She was playing a fool's game, and she knew it. Each breath stabs her upon intake, and her body becomes heavier with each jump. {It's not too late to turn back, child.} Her father's serpentine voice slithers through her mind, and she almost considers listening. She would be killed in an instant for betraying, not to mention the damage that would be done to the toad sage and his little tadpole of a son. She jumps up higher as she reaches the gate, swiftly and flawlessly despite the weight of her nerves. The daughter of Orochimaru, nervous? It was almost laughable.
Making sure her markings were covered and hair hidden beneath a wool cap, with her body cloacked in a black cape, she zipped through the villiage towards the familiar bush in front of the house she knew all too well. Her eyes closed and breathing stilled as she listened for signs of life in the house. It was still painfully early, almost four in the morning. She could probably sneak in and kill them both without being traced, and though an amusing thought, that was not her objective today. Her objective was one even more costly than taking a life.
Her objective was to save one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clink.
Clink. Clink. Clink.
Bright blue eyes flutter open to the strange sound coming from outside. With a groan, a shirtless boy slips out of his bed and trudges outside. {What the heck is hitting the house so early? It's not nearly the season for hail..} He scans the side of the house, listening all the while.
Clink.
He is by the bush in front by the time he hears it again. With a confused glance at the bush, he picks up a pebble and throws it. "Who's there?" He whispers, staying still as the shadow emerges. It takes several seconds before he notices the long strands of hair falling from the cap, and the figure behind the cloak. He takes a step towards her, getting nothing in response. Again he tries, and nothing. They are face-to-face when she finally moves, swiftly taking the cap off and letting her hair curtain her eyes.The girl refuses to show any emotion as they stand there in silence. With a sigh, he scratches the back of his head. "Why are you here, Kinari?" He's tired, confused, but still a bit happy to see her.
"We need to talk. Preferably not out in the open." her voice is husky, but soft as she carefully chooses her words. "Is your father home?" A nod from the boy ignites a sigh from his lover. He rubs his eyes before speaking.
"Teleport to my room. I'll lock the door."
With that said, moments later, they were in the oh-so-familiar room that they spent several evenings in. This time it was different. Anxiousness hung thick in each corner, heavy and harmful. Kinari's cloaknow littered the floor where she stood, back to him, fingers interlaced while he stared at her from behind. It felt like a year before the snake spoke.
"You need to postpone the mission." She didn't need to look to know that his eyes were now wide, lips slightly parted in surprise. She adds quickly, "I knew about it since the second day I met you. It wasn't hard to gather the information. But regardless, you mustn't go tomorrow."
"And why not?" Takeshi now stood behind her, begging unspoken for her eyes to meet his. She denies his request, closing her eyes as she spoke. The air around her was poison filling her lungs with each intake of breath.
"I won't be able to control myself if you do in fact show up. My father and I ready for a bloodbath, and not of our own blood. Catch us while we're off guard.." Her hands fly apart and re-position in front of her. Her heart is hammering her mind into it's grave, slowly but surely. "And we might be able to spare you for a little longer." She couldn't say it. She couldn't say the absolute truth of her request, and so she locked her jaw as the silence grew around them.
"Kinari.." The way he spoke her name didn't send a blush as it normally did. No, it made her scared. Why the hell did she not turn back when she had a chance? Why did she go through all of this trouble? Why did she lo--
A soft, sweet kiss on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and brought her eyes to open. He nestled her in his embrace, warm and comforting. "For you I will at least try to talk to my dad. Because honestly, I don't want to have to fight you. If I had to hurt you, well, I'd rather not see you at all." He is calm as he speaks, his mouth tickling the corner of her ear. Very carefully he steps around to meet her eyes, to soak in all of the emotion pouring out of them. Not once before this had he seen her so vulnerable. Human. Yes, she was human, despite being born into a monster's bloodline. "But for now, can you stay?"
"Thank you. But I can't." Her eyes dart away, yet she does not move. "If he finds out I left.."
"This isn't about Orochimaru." Just hearing the name made the both of them cringe. "Forget about him. Forget about my father. Right now, right this very moment, it's just about you and I. Kinari and Takeshi." a finger gingerly slides up the kunoichi's neck to her chin, lifting her face to his. Their lips are centimeters from touching, yet neither of them move. After a moment's time, very slowly, the girl wraps her arms around him, and with a smile he picks her up wedding-style and gingerly places her upon the soft sheets. He kneels next to her on the bed, smoothing out her hair and staring into those golden eyes. His eyes follow hers down and he laughs lightly, taking her cue to remove her shirt. For the first time, his eyes survey her body in awe, not lust, and again their eyes meet. His voice is so calm, so light as he speaks. "I don't even wish to take you right now.. I just want to take in your beauty and embed it into my mind. I never want to forget you." He frowns as tears fell from her eyes, and kisses them away. "Kinari-chan, please don't cry. Was it something I said? I didn't mean for you to--"
"Just shut up and kiss me, dork." With her famous smirk fading into a loving smile, she brings her lips to his and kisses him with every emotion. There is no use of tongue, no biting this time around, just pure kisses getting deeper with each one. They part, and Kinari chuckles. "Enough talk, Takeshi. Words are fleeting." she kisses his forehead. "This might be the last time we meet.." she kisses his cheek. "So let's treat this time like our first should have been.No lust. Just.. love.." His eyes widen with overwhelming joy and he nearly suffocates her with a hug. They laugh as she pulls him close, on top of her, and smile into a precious kiss. Her heart feels so weightless right now, as if all of the guilt, the deceit, evaporated and left nothing but a cloud of sweet air. This is no longer a ruse to get information and a good lay, no. This is more. This is pure, almost innocent, love. A feeling she had never felt before.
The two, completely spent, lay together legs entwined and eyes locked. Tears stained both of their faces, and their hearts still beat fiercely. This was the last time they would be together before the battle. This was the last time Kinari would ever say that she loved him. This was the last time they would be happy and remotely at peace. The next time they met would be a battle to the death. And they knew this so well they could taste the spoiled blood, their stomachs churning. Takeshi closed his eyes and buried his face into the nape of her neck, sighing deeply. "The sun should be rising any minute now. You need to go, and I need to think of a plan." His words were gentile as he slipped away from her, allowing her to stand. "I will do anything I can to stop our attack."
Hesitantly getting dressed, the kunoichi avoided his eyes in fear that she would cry again. She couldn't cry in front of him. She couldn't cry for him. She had to harden her heart again and face him with the strongest steel, be it later that day or on a different date. "We will be ready for you. Don't let your guard down and neither will we." The coldness in her words completely shatters the warmth in the room. "You are warned. Takeshi." And with that, she vanishes from the room.
Making sure her markings were covered and hair hidden beneath a wool cap, with her body cloacked in a black cape, she zipped through the villiage towards the familiar bush in front of the house she knew all too well. Her eyes closed and breathing stilled as she listened for signs of life in the house. It was still painfully early, almost four in the morning. She could probably sneak in and kill them both without being traced, and though an amusing thought, that was not her objective today. Her objective was one even more costly than taking a life.
Her objective was to save one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clink.
Clink. Clink. Clink.
Bright blue eyes flutter open to the strange sound coming from outside. With a groan, a shirtless boy slips out of his bed and trudges outside. {What the heck is hitting the house so early? It's not nearly the season for hail..} He scans the side of the house, listening all the while.
Clink.
He is by the bush in front by the time he hears it again. With a confused glance at the bush, he picks up a pebble and throws it. "Who's there?" He whispers, staying still as the shadow emerges. It takes several seconds before he notices the long strands of hair falling from the cap, and the figure behind the cloak. He takes a step towards her, getting nothing in response. Again he tries, and nothing. They are face-to-face when she finally moves, swiftly taking the cap off and letting her hair curtain her eyes.The girl refuses to show any emotion as they stand there in silence. With a sigh, he scratches the back of his head. "Why are you here, Kinari?" He's tired, confused, but still a bit happy to see her.
"We need to talk. Preferably not out in the open." her voice is husky, but soft as she carefully chooses her words. "Is your father home?" A nod from the boy ignites a sigh from his lover. He rubs his eyes before speaking.
"Teleport to my room. I'll lock the door."
With that said, moments later, they were in the oh-so-familiar room that they spent several evenings in. This time it was different. Anxiousness hung thick in each corner, heavy and harmful. Kinari's cloaknow littered the floor where she stood, back to him, fingers interlaced while he stared at her from behind. It felt like a year before the snake spoke.
"You need to postpone the mission." She didn't need to look to know that his eyes were now wide, lips slightly parted in surprise. She adds quickly, "I knew about it since the second day I met you. It wasn't hard to gather the information. But regardless, you mustn't go tomorrow."
"And why not?" Takeshi now stood behind her, begging unspoken for her eyes to meet his. She denies his request, closing her eyes as she spoke. The air around her was poison filling her lungs with each intake of breath.
"I won't be able to control myself if you do in fact show up. My father and I ready for a bloodbath, and not of our own blood. Catch us while we're off guard.." Her hands fly apart and re-position in front of her. Her heart is hammering her mind into it's grave, slowly but surely. "And we might be able to spare you for a little longer." She couldn't say it. She couldn't say the absolute truth of her request, and so she locked her jaw as the silence grew around them.
"Kinari.." The way he spoke her name didn't send a blush as it normally did. No, it made her scared. Why the hell did she not turn back when she had a chance? Why did she go through all of this trouble? Why did she lo--
A soft, sweet kiss on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and brought her eyes to open. He nestled her in his embrace, warm and comforting. "For you I will at least try to talk to my dad. Because honestly, I don't want to have to fight you. If I had to hurt you, well, I'd rather not see you at all." He is calm as he speaks, his mouth tickling the corner of her ear. Very carefully he steps around to meet her eyes, to soak in all of the emotion pouring out of them. Not once before this had he seen her so vulnerable. Human. Yes, she was human, despite being born into a monster's bloodline. "But for now, can you stay?"
"Thank you. But I can't." Her eyes dart away, yet she does not move. "If he finds out I left.."
"This isn't about Orochimaru." Just hearing the name made the both of them cringe. "Forget about him. Forget about my father. Right now, right this very moment, it's just about you and I. Kinari and Takeshi." a finger gingerly slides up the kunoichi's neck to her chin, lifting her face to his. Their lips are centimeters from touching, yet neither of them move. After a moment's time, very slowly, the girl wraps her arms around him, and with a smile he picks her up wedding-style and gingerly places her upon the soft sheets. He kneels next to her on the bed, smoothing out her hair and staring into those golden eyes. His eyes follow hers down and he laughs lightly, taking her cue to remove her shirt. For the first time, his eyes survey her body in awe, not lust, and again their eyes meet. His voice is so calm, so light as he speaks. "I don't even wish to take you right now.. I just want to take in your beauty and embed it into my mind. I never want to forget you." He frowns as tears fell from her eyes, and kisses them away. "Kinari-chan, please don't cry. Was it something I said? I didn't mean for you to--"
"Just shut up and kiss me, dork." With her famous smirk fading into a loving smile, she brings her lips to his and kisses him with every emotion. There is no use of tongue, no biting this time around, just pure kisses getting deeper with each one. They part, and Kinari chuckles. "Enough talk, Takeshi. Words are fleeting." she kisses his forehead. "This might be the last time we meet.." she kisses his cheek. "So let's treat this time like our first should have been.No lust. Just.. love.." His eyes widen with overwhelming joy and he nearly suffocates her with a hug. They laugh as she pulls him close, on top of her, and smile into a precious kiss. Her heart feels so weightless right now, as if all of the guilt, the deceit, evaporated and left nothing but a cloud of sweet air. This is no longer a ruse to get information and a good lay, no. This is more. This is pure, almost innocent, love. A feeling she had never felt before.
The two, completely spent, lay together legs entwined and eyes locked. Tears stained both of their faces, and their hearts still beat fiercely. This was the last time they would be together before the battle. This was the last time Kinari would ever say that she loved him. This was the last time they would be happy and remotely at peace. The next time they met would be a battle to the death. And they knew this so well they could taste the spoiled blood, their stomachs churning. Takeshi closed his eyes and buried his face into the nape of her neck, sighing deeply. "The sun should be rising any minute now. You need to go, and I need to think of a plan." His words were gentile as he slipped away from her, allowing her to stand. "I will do anything I can to stop our attack."
Hesitantly getting dressed, the kunoichi avoided his eyes in fear that she would cry again. She couldn't cry in front of him. She couldn't cry for him. She had to harden her heart again and face him with the strongest steel, be it later that day or on a different date. "We will be ready for you. Don't let your guard down and neither will we." The coldness in her words completely shatters the warmth in the room. "You are warned. Takeshi." And with that, she vanishes from the room.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Home
As some people may know, come the 17th, I'm visiting my parents for the first time in PA. I never got to see the house in the five months that they've lived in it, minus pictures from before they moved in, so I'm rather excited for that. Plus I get to see my feline sisters again <3 Oh my god I missed them so much.
But the main reason I'm going is for my own health. I have been really emotionally and physically icky the past month or so, and not just when my monthly demon rolls around. My suicidal/murderous side has started to crawl back to me, and I started losing motivation in everything- work, studying, dubbing, etc.
It's not because of my love at all, no. Love has been the most understanding, patient and kind person in the world. It's because of his incompetent father and grandfather who at this point should be dead(according to health problems), a loudmouth mother who doesn't have any consideration for anyone and always blows up over EVERYTHING. Someone is sick in this house every week, and to go a day let alone five hours without yelling or door slamming being heard is a miracle. Even my best moods have been ruined because of these stupid things. This stress is carrying into my workspace and is over-all unpleasant. I've bitten so many times since I moved in that the patch of skin is practically rubber and permanently miscoloured.
Already I can feel the wear of living here in the place in which I'll never consider a home with people who I'll never consider family(minus Love and perhaps his brother). I've been wanting to visit my folks for months, and finally I have the chance.
I have contemplated moving in with them. If this visit does as much good as I think it's going to, and if I get all of my stress back once I return to Jersey, I'm getting right back on that bus and going home(to PA). I can find a job, keep up my self studying until I can afford culinary school. My love and I will have to stomach a long distance relationship until one of us finds an apartment and has the other move in. I know we can do it. I really believe.
But the main reason I'm going is for my own health. I have been really emotionally and physically icky the past month or so, and not just when my monthly demon rolls around. My suicidal/murderous side has started to crawl back to me, and I started losing motivation in everything- work, studying, dubbing, etc.
It's not because of my love at all, no. Love has been the most understanding, patient and kind person in the world. It's because of his incompetent father and grandfather who at this point should be dead(according to health problems), a loudmouth mother who doesn't have any consideration for anyone and always blows up over EVERYTHING. Someone is sick in this house every week, and to go a day let alone five hours without yelling or door slamming being heard is a miracle. Even my best moods have been ruined because of these stupid things. This stress is carrying into my workspace and is over-all unpleasant. I've bitten so many times since I moved in that the patch of skin is practically rubber and permanently miscoloured.
Already I can feel the wear of living here in the place in which I'll never consider a home with people who I'll never consider family(minus Love and perhaps his brother). I've been wanting to visit my folks for months, and finally I have the chance.
I have contemplated moving in with them. If this visit does as much good as I think it's going to, and if I get all of my stress back once I return to Jersey, I'm getting right back on that bus and going home(to PA). I can find a job, keep up my self studying until I can afford culinary school. My love and I will have to stomach a long distance relationship until one of us finds an apartment and has the other move in. I know we can do it. I really believe.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Futures
Every so often, I check his page just to see how he's doing in this world.
His page, along with our other old friend. She's still beautiful, still going strong. She's forming her own business and trying to get somewhere in the world.I'm so proud of her.
He's in college now, and already doing so well. I'm so proud of him.
Then, there's me.. I guess each group of three friends has that one who is worse of than the other two, the weak link, so to speak. I'm not in school, I don't have any real ambitions or accomplishments that make me as set for the future as these two.
I have a man who loves me, a job I love, but I've had that for years. No real progression in my future has happened other than moving away from my hometown and family to keep said job and love.
I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I don't know what I want my future to be like. And it saddens me.
I feel lost, stunted. And maybe I am.
But seeing these two grow, to see how proud they make people, it gives me comfort.
If only a little.
His page, along with our other old friend. She's still beautiful, still going strong. She's forming her own business and trying to get somewhere in the world.I'm so proud of her.
He's in college now, and already doing so well. I'm so proud of him.
Then, there's me.. I guess each group of three friends has that one who is worse of than the other two, the weak link, so to speak. I'm not in school, I don't have any real ambitions or accomplishments that make me as set for the future as these two.
I have a man who loves me, a job I love, but I've had that for years. No real progression in my future has happened other than moving away from my hometown and family to keep said job and love.
I don't even know what I want to be anymore. I don't know what I want my future to be like. And it saddens me.
I feel lost, stunted. And maybe I am.
But seeing these two grow, to see how proud they make people, it gives me comfort.
If only a little.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
What I write when I have a song on repeat.
Hello my love, it's been a while.
Hoping all is alright on this evening,
even though I cannot exactly ask.
Sad to say, I've been thinking of you;
Wondering how you fare as an adult,
in college, driving, free. Without myself
as a friend to comfort you if you are troubled,
Yet I'm positive you have no worries just yet.
I apologize for breaking that promise I made,
though unspoken, about leaving you alone
to live your life. It pains me when I feel
the urges to say 'Ey', or like a post of yours,
and I pity myself when I do just that.
You don't need me, I know this, love.
I'm sure we don't need each other.
I made a huge step by not sending
you a letter this summer, however.
It still warms my heart to know
you are alright. I smile when I see posts
about your adventures as an adult,
I share your happiness and exhaustion.
I listened to songs of you, so to say,
as they tackled me with nostalgia
of stories we'd tell, of the days when
it wasn't a crime to talk to you.
When it was all innocent, naive,
when we didn't have worries
of the later years.
I wish I could speak to you as if
we were still that innocent, love.
Yet with so much history you could write
a text book about us, so much learned
from these past years, we've grown silent
and time together fleeting. It's for the best,
my sweet. You and I know this well.
I share a bed with a man I love.
It's funny how, years ago,
we both dreamed of waking up in
each others arms with a smile and kiss.
My dear, I don't want us to be lovers.
Can we forget that desire ever existed?
Can we go back to casual conversations,
laughing, loving each other like siblings?
Can we go back to our innocence,
before the history, before the silence,
and meet once again?
Hoping all is alright on this evening,
even though I cannot exactly ask.
Sad to say, I've been thinking of you;
Wondering how you fare as an adult,
in college, driving, free. Without myself
as a friend to comfort you if you are troubled,
Yet I'm positive you have no worries just yet.
I apologize for breaking that promise I made,
though unspoken, about leaving you alone
to live your life. It pains me when I feel
the urges to say 'Ey', or like a post of yours,
and I pity myself when I do just that.
You don't need me, I know this, love.
I'm sure we don't need each other.
I made a huge step by not sending
you a letter this summer, however.
It still warms my heart to know
you are alright. I smile when I see posts
about your adventures as an adult,
I share your happiness and exhaustion.
I listened to songs of you, so to say,
as they tackled me with nostalgia
of stories we'd tell, of the days when
it wasn't a crime to talk to you.
When it was all innocent, naive,
when we didn't have worries
of the later years.
I wish I could speak to you as if
we were still that innocent, love.
Yet with so much history you could write
a text book about us, so much learned
from these past years, we've grown silent
and time together fleeting. It's for the best,
my sweet. You and I know this well.
I share a bed with a man I love.
It's funny how, years ago,
we both dreamed of waking up in
each others arms with a smile and kiss.
My dear, I don't want us to be lovers.
Can we forget that desire ever existed?
Can we go back to casual conversations,
laughing, loving each other like siblings?
Can we go back to our innocence,
before the history, before the silence,
and meet once again?
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Healing, and other Updates
For those who actually read my previous post and are wondering, Things did get mended up.
I've been much kinder to him, he's been as tolerant as he always is(which is extremely well, minus that one day), and the fact that our work schedules keep us from seeing each other much is actually really helping. I still have my fears, and I'm wondering if he has them as well, but we haven't spoken about them since that night. I honestly try not to think of them. When I let my fears take over who I am as a person, things turn ugly and end even quicker. Happened when I was with LS, I believe happened with 3 as well, and in other every day, non-relationship circumstances.
I just recently got over my fear of wearing wigs, that reminds me. (The night we had that argument I was wearing my wig, so I kinda associated the badness with the wig and didn't want to wear it again. Hell, I almost threw it out). I'm back to wearing one more often than not, back to cospunking and everything. The other day I cosplayed as Miku at a fair, only since I threw my pigtails out, I used one of my pigtails from a wine red wig, and got alot of compliments. ^^ I really love cosplaying and cospunking.
I've been enjoying my summer since then, working my ass off but still finding time for myself. I've seen a theatre production, gone canoeing, went on a cruise, free concerts, etc. and all has just been wonderful. I just got off of work from a 12 hour shiftt an hour ago, and I can't believe I survived XD But it was worth it, they really appreciated it(especially since I volunteered before they even considered asking), plus I think I got an hour of overtime snuck in. T'sall good yupyup.
I'm trying not to fall asleep for another two hours, so I'm trying to find things to do =w= I might go shoot some hoops after this post, since I have a basketball that I haven't gotten to use yet.
I just wanted people to know, if they actually read this, that I'm doing well and things are back to being sparkle-worthy.
<3
I've been much kinder to him, he's been as tolerant as he always is(which is extremely well, minus that one day), and the fact that our work schedules keep us from seeing each other much is actually really helping. I still have my fears, and I'm wondering if he has them as well, but we haven't spoken about them since that night. I honestly try not to think of them. When I let my fears take over who I am as a person, things turn ugly and end even quicker. Happened when I was with LS, I believe happened with 3 as well, and in other every day, non-relationship circumstances.
I just recently got over my fear of wearing wigs, that reminds me. (The night we had that argument I was wearing my wig, so I kinda associated the badness with the wig and didn't want to wear it again. Hell, I almost threw it out). I'm back to wearing one more often than not, back to cospunking and everything. The other day I cosplayed as Miku at a fair, only since I threw my pigtails out, I used one of my pigtails from a wine red wig, and got alot of compliments. ^^ I really love cosplaying and cospunking.
I've been enjoying my summer since then, working my ass off but still finding time for myself. I've seen a theatre production, gone canoeing, went on a cruise, free concerts, etc. and all has just been wonderful. I just got off of work from a 12 hour shiftt an hour ago, and I can't believe I survived XD But it was worth it, they really appreciated it(especially since I volunteered before they even considered asking), plus I think I got an hour of overtime snuck in. T'sall good yupyup.
I'm trying not to fall asleep for another two hours, so I'm trying to find things to do =w= I might go shoot some hoops after this post, since I have a basketball that I haven't gotten to use yet.
I just wanted people to know, if they actually read this, that I'm doing well and things are back to being sparkle-worthy.
<3
Friday, July 12, 2013
There's always that one simple thing that changes your outlook completely.
For me, it was the closest thing to a fight that I've had with him. Only two sentences.
And one word I refuse to repeat.The word makes me cringe, and the fact that it was used against me..
"If you call me that again I'm leaving."
I meant it. And right after, I cried. And cried. And cried. I've never sobbed so hard. He tried to console me, almost getting teary-eyed as well.
And then, one by one, all of my fears kept spewing out from my mouth.
"I'm no good for you."
"I don't want to drive you away."
"You don't deserve being treated like this."
"I'm sorry.."
I couldn't get through work without crying, no matter how hard I tried. Even now I'm still shaken.
Just a simple word made me terrified that our relationship was over. A single insult. A true insult. My fault. My fault. My fault.
I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. I try to keep on a fake smile for work, for peers, for him. I need to make him believe that I forgive him.Make him believe everything's alright.
But I know it isn't.
I don't think it will be.
For me, it was the closest thing to a fight that I've had with him. Only two sentences.
And one word I refuse to repeat.The word makes me cringe, and the fact that it was used against me..
"If you call me that again I'm leaving."
I meant it. And right after, I cried. And cried. And cried. I've never sobbed so hard. He tried to console me, almost getting teary-eyed as well.
And then, one by one, all of my fears kept spewing out from my mouth.
"I'm no good for you."
"I don't want to drive you away."
"You don't deserve being treated like this."
"I'm sorry.."
I couldn't get through work without crying, no matter how hard I tried. Even now I'm still shaken.
Just a simple word made me terrified that our relationship was over. A single insult. A true insult. My fault. My fault. My fault.
I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. I try to keep on a fake smile for work, for peers, for him. I need to make him believe that I forgive him.Make him believe everything's alright.
But I know it isn't.
I don't think it will be.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Too Cold For Angels to Fly Chapter Five
We're in our old apartment, Angel and I. Playing a silly game of Batman-themed Trouble that we bought at a dollar store, and enjoying our ice cream sundaes. Her face is full of life, her eyes sparkling behind her thick-framed glasses. Her hair is pixie short, and she's wearing my class ring as a necklace. A school couple's traditional sign of commitment, yes, but she never asked for anything more, and I never thought about it. School first, family later; That was my way of thinking.
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. She's asking for something. They argue for a bit, but then he sighs a defeated sigh and hands her a wad of cash. She smiles, kisses him, then throws the money into her messenger bag. I can't close my eyes as I watch him do things to her that only I should've done. My blood is boiling as he tears her bra and panties clean off, sucking at her neck as they position themselves on the bed. I look at her face. She looks like she's enjoying it, but I see deeper. She's terrified. She doesn't want him to continue. He's too rough, too thirsty for her, too drunk. I watch the entire X rated scene, tears streaming down my face. "Make it stop." I say again. It turns into a yell to block out her moaning and his grunting. "Make it STOP!"
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. Despite everything, I smile. She raises an eyebrow at me.
"It's nothing." I wave it off, and she smirks as if to say 'liar'. She still knows me too well. With a yawn she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I laugh again. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.
It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. She's asking for something. They argue for a bit, but then he sighs a defeated sigh and hands her a wad of cash. She smiles, kisses him, then throws the money into her messenger bag. I can't close my eyes as I watch him do things to her that only I should've done. My blood is boiling as he tears her bra and panties clean off, sucking at her neck as they position themselves on the bed. I look at her face. She looks like she's enjoying it, but I see deeper. She's terrified. She doesn't want him to continue. He's too rough, too thirsty for her, too drunk. I watch the entire X rated scene, tears streaming down my face. "Make it stop." I say again. It turns into a yell to block out her moaning and his grunting. "Make it STOP!"
My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.
I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.
I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?
Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..
Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts. With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.
"That doesn't even begin to describe it."
"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. Despite everything, I smile. She raises an eyebrow at me.
"It's nothing." I wave it off, and she smirks as if to say 'liar'. She still knows me too well. With a yawn she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I laugh again. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.
I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'. It was true, at the time.
A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."
"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."
I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.
Won't there?
Friday, June 28, 2013
I love him.
I did what I always do, look back at old messages and notes I sent on old sites back when I was still in High School. Only this time, it was different.
Instead of looking at the chatplays between LS and I, I read all of the messages Love and I have shared. They still make me smile to this day, even more so than before. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize what we had sooner. That I gave him up so easily back then.
If I didn't, maybe I never would have realized how much he means to me. We never would've gotten this far, never would have moved in together. Maybe it still would have ended the same way. It doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is knowing how much I meant to him back then, and how that really didn't change. How fate found us, made us innocent lovers, brought someone else into the mix to change that, but made sure that somehow, someway, we found a way back into eachother's hearts, eachother's arms. I can't imagine leaving him. Can't imagine anything tearing us apart, no matter how crazy life is right now.
The fact that, as of July 10th, we will be celebrating our 2nd year still surprises me. Technically it's even longer than that. Technically, we've been emotionally together since we first started dating in 08(Even if I was too foolish to realize it back then.) It's so different, and yet, it's not.
In our first go, it started and ended on DeviantART. We were still kids, so we were more of the sappy cute innocent romantics. We never discussed intimacy or cybered, the extent was making out in real life and using the 'smooch' and 'hug' emoticons online. We barely hung out due to driving restrictions and school. I mean, more often than not we would spend time together outside of the school with our friends, and we went on groupdates with friends and my mom(being our chauffeur). On the days when we did hang out at my house, it was all innocent. Video games, him playing his guitar for me, cuddling on the floor. The making out only occured the last few times we hung out before the break up, but even then, it was practically minimal. No heavy touching. I don't even remember if we used tongue or not. The intimacy didn't matter to me back then. I honestly think I was still too scared to even want to think about it in real life.
So, like any horny confused teenager, I confided in cybering. But I'm pretty sure you all have read this in previous entries(Hah, like anyone will actually read this let alone my other posts.) That intimacy with my cybermate ended up taking it's toll on my real life relationship. Started confusing the lust for love. So we broke up. I shattered the poor kid's heart and I'm pretty sure something inside me died that night as well.
So, when we rekindled our love, it was the same, only different. We were older, so intimacy increased. Slowly, but it increased. He was the only one I wanted. Is the only one I want. We started going on more frequent dates, now that I had a job and money and my mom didn't mind driving us around. We'd spend hours cuddled next to eachother on the bed, just talking, and it was great. Simple. Still is. We took our relationship slow enough that we wouldn't end up crumbling again. We were in love. Are in love. Again, it's simple. Sweet. Perfect. Fate.
We've had a few arguments since we've moved in together about a month ago. Stress, not from us necessarily being together, but from the family in general. From home sickness, bitterness, my period. =w=' But we got through the trivial stuff. Nothing serious has came up, yet, but I'm sure we'll be alright if it does.
We've talked about our future already. Finding ourselves a place, maybe adopting a child, definitely having more pets. Maybe getting married, you never know, but not having a fancy wedding or any real celebration at all. Or something cute like getting engaged, having an engagement party, and then just staying engaged the rest of our lives. =w= But whatever would happen, it would be us. Him and I, together, until the end. I truly believe this, as does he.
And I smile upon our second year, and hold it close to my heart.
Instead of looking at the chatplays between LS and I, I read all of the messages Love and I have shared. They still make me smile to this day, even more so than before. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize what we had sooner. That I gave him up so easily back then.
If I didn't, maybe I never would have realized how much he means to me. We never would've gotten this far, never would have moved in together. Maybe it still would have ended the same way. It doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is knowing how much I meant to him back then, and how that really didn't change. How fate found us, made us innocent lovers, brought someone else into the mix to change that, but made sure that somehow, someway, we found a way back into eachother's hearts, eachother's arms. I can't imagine leaving him. Can't imagine anything tearing us apart, no matter how crazy life is right now.
The fact that, as of July 10th, we will be celebrating our 2nd year still surprises me. Technically it's even longer than that. Technically, we've been emotionally together since we first started dating in 08(Even if I was too foolish to realize it back then.) It's so different, and yet, it's not.
In our first go, it started and ended on DeviantART. We were still kids, so we were more of the sappy cute innocent romantics. We never discussed intimacy or cybered, the extent was making out in real life and using the 'smooch' and 'hug' emoticons online. We barely hung out due to driving restrictions and school. I mean, more often than not we would spend time together outside of the school with our friends, and we went on groupdates with friends and my mom(being our chauffeur). On the days when we did hang out at my house, it was all innocent. Video games, him playing his guitar for me, cuddling on the floor. The making out only occured the last few times we hung out before the break up, but even then, it was practically minimal. No heavy touching. I don't even remember if we used tongue or not. The intimacy didn't matter to me back then. I honestly think I was still too scared to even want to think about it in real life.
So, like any horny confused teenager, I confided in cybering. But I'm pretty sure you all have read this in previous entries(Hah, like anyone will actually read this let alone my other posts.) That intimacy with my cybermate ended up taking it's toll on my real life relationship. Started confusing the lust for love. So we broke up. I shattered the poor kid's heart and I'm pretty sure something inside me died that night as well.
So, when we rekindled our love, it was the same, only different. We were older, so intimacy increased. Slowly, but it increased. He was the only one I wanted. Is the only one I want. We started going on more frequent dates, now that I had a job and money and my mom didn't mind driving us around. We'd spend hours cuddled next to eachother on the bed, just talking, and it was great. Simple. Still is. We took our relationship slow enough that we wouldn't end up crumbling again. We were in love. Are in love. Again, it's simple. Sweet. Perfect. Fate.
We've had a few arguments since we've moved in together about a month ago. Stress, not from us necessarily being together, but from the family in general. From home sickness, bitterness, my period. =w=' But we got through the trivial stuff. Nothing serious has came up, yet, but I'm sure we'll be alright if it does.
We've talked about our future already. Finding ourselves a place, maybe adopting a child, definitely having more pets. Maybe getting married, you never know, but not having a fancy wedding or any real celebration at all. Or something cute like getting engaged, having an engagement party, and then just staying engaged the rest of our lives. =w= But whatever would happen, it would be us. Him and I, together, until the end. I truly believe this, as does he.
And I smile upon our second year, and hold it close to my heart.
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