What's Behind the Doors?

(Third post of the day, yes. Perhaps it shows how little a life I have, or how much of it I spend thinking.)

I look at my past as if I were in a game show. The announcer, just a shadow, smiles and motions over to three doors, asking me to pick one to look behind.I already know exactly what lies behind each door, and I gather up those memories like plants and sunlight.

Door #1
My first boyfriend, met on Halloween 2009. Or was it 08? It was my Freshman year, I knew no one but people that my 'brother' introduced me to. That's how I met him- he was with someone else, I thought nothing of him but another aquaintence, soon to be friend. I remember writing something along the lines of 'Orochimaru is a sexy beast' on his arm with sharpie. Great first impression, ne? Months passed, I would hang out with him and my brother and their group of friends after school each day, end up talking to all of them, especially him. We would even have random convos on DeviantART, as that was before we both discovered facebook or myspace. It wasn't until Christmas Eve that he admitted he liked me, and asked me out. Being the simple fact that I never had a boyfriend or anyone actually say that they liked me(I was always the one who no one would want to talk to and was only asked out if it was a joke by a jock) , I said yes. I was completely swept up in the moment. and thought I was happy.

That was, until Door #2 swung open.

Door #2
I met him in 2007, on a Naruto roleplay site that he created. He was only 11(me being 13 at the time), and the one who saved my life. Sounds kinda sad to say, but I was suicidal back then. I would try to drown myself in the tub, tried to put a knife to my throat, cry myself to sleep more often than not. Barely anyone knows those secrets, but they all would suspect it. I was too shy, too wierd when I did speak, and bullied far too much to be sane. The people who knew nothing about me, including 2 and two other friends I met on that site, ended up becoming my best friends and truly saved me in those times. They knew(and still know) more about me than other people, than my parents, than my real life friends. They didn't care about my flaws, infact they embraced them, and always helped me when I needed someone to talk to.

But 2.. I had a small crush on him, but I blew it off because I knew I wouldn't meet the kid in my lifetime. It vanished completely while I was dating 1, atleast for a few months. It was after 5 months that my feelings started to change. I would end up thinking about 2 more than anything, dream about him, want him to be the one next to me. Lust, maybe? Mixed in with the feeling of safety whenever I spoke with him, that I seemed to care more about him than 1.

So, I broke up with 1 to be with 2. We cybered within a week of my breakup. I still cringe at that, but I accept it. I loved him. No, I was in love with him. I truly thought that.

We were on and off several times- he always broke it off, felt bad, came back to me. One time he realized while on a trip with a bunch of other kids and girls in his school that I was the only one right for him. The only one he needed, loved. The second time it was a week before Valentines Day. He felt like such a bastard about breaking my heart(again) that he had a dream I was with someone else, and he felt so hurt, betrayed. Regretted letting me go. That was the last time he asked me back.

We were together for a few months after that. All I truly remember, looking back on it, was the cybering. It was most of our relationship, with only sometimes a genuine, not-perverted conversation in the mix. One day, while eating Perogies(sad that I still remember that?), he called me up. He was at a party, but he knew I was going to go to bed soon, and wanted to tell me goodnight and that he loved me. That is my favorite memory.

What should be my favorite memory is the day he told his parent's about me. I was just a secret for close to a year. No one on his side of the country knew who I was, or what we had. However, I found out something that shouldn't have done any damage but instead put my heart in a blender and pulsed it(no pun intended) for close to an hour.

I found out 1 was dating someone else.

I cried so hard that I had to reread 2's message three times before I started crying again, this time of joy. I was finally not a secret, I was finally 100 percent his and people knew it. His parents accepted us together. At that moment I had more hope for us than I ever did.

Only for him to break up with me, for the final time, three days after.

I was a complete mess. Any music that reminded me of him I couldn't listen to (which was almost everything on my iPod at the time), I barely spoke to anyone, my grades dropped. This was my Sophomore year.

It was July of 2010, approximately four months or so after the break-up, when I met #3.

Door #3

I saw him around school from time to time, but didn't even know his name. He was in #1's Japanese class, that's how I knew about him. But we really only started to talk on facebook. Simple conversations, aquaintenceship turned to friendship. We even said that we should hang out sometime over the summer, and I brought up the perfect place to meet- the St. Mary's Fair. And so we did. In that time we learned more about eachother, hugged for the first time, played some games, danced like fools by the water-squirt game.

It was one of the best moments I had in a long time. I forgot about 2, if only for a moment, and the song Funny Little World started to slowly resemble my feelings for him. Unofficial dates followed- Bowling, movies, etc. until October, when he told me he liked me. For the first time, I could honestly say I liked him back. It was far different, far more simple, than my past relationships. It was what I needed at the time, and got more and more perfect as the time went on. Sure, some days were like repeats of others- me in charge of the music, joking around about how I can never play a whole song through, watching anime/Zim/movies while cuddling. But it never got boring. Never seemed repetitive. Each date was very simple, entertaining, perfect because it was just us. Even the highlight of New Years eve was breaking away from our friends, making a Wawa run with him, talking, laughing, laying in the 'snow'(though it was more like ice then. XD). It was a perfect night. And every time he told me he loved me and never wanted to lose me..

I believed him. I felt the same way.

Yet even so, I knew it would end sooner or later. Considering my last two relationships blew up in my face and I almost completely lost the one friend who very well may have stopped me from commiting suicide due to a relationship, I was terrified of that moment. I tried not to think about it, kept reassuring myself by talking to him, kissing the 'love locket' he gave me before I went to sleep or when I had doubts.

I still remember that day.

I just got home from work, a busy 6 hour shift in the summer. Check my phone, one missed call. Before I could even call back, I get a message on facebook. The only thing it says-

"hey"

No capitalization, punctuation, no smiley-face or calling me 'you' or 'love'. Something was up. My heart heaved as I ask him if something's wrong, trying to sound casual. And then he tells me, detailed, that something changed that made him bitter, careless. That whatever this something was, wasn't going back to normal. So in order to not hurt me in the long run, we should break up. I sat there, staring at the screen. Fingers trembling, trying not to cry. But I knew it would happen, even though I didn't want it to. I told him I understood, that I would be okay. I had to be okay, for his sake.

And so I let him leave. Put the locket in my Ex-box(a little Beauty and the Beast music box, holding anything my exes ever gave me). I tried to talk to him a bit after that, stay friends. He ignored me, I got pissed. I tried to force myself to hate him, just like I did with 2. Didn't work. But, after a while we started to speak again.

Hell, I even asked him to prom. He said yes. And you know what?
That was truly one of the best nights of my life.
Another being his prom, he 'returning the favor' of me asking him to mine.

That night, in the limo, we unintentionally(okay, maybe slightly intentionally) held hands during a game of 'truth or poke your eye out' with our limo group. I was asked if I still liked him. He, which I found cute, covered his ears and went 'lalalalalala' while I answered. I said 'sort of''.

That was such an understatement. But, because I had no hope of us ever getting back together, I left it at that. 

Looking at all 3 doors

I compare my feelings for each.

1 was a dear friend who actually was closer to me when we weren't dating than when we were. He was a sweetheart, genuinely kind. But we dated too early, I believe, and so it seemed to mean nothing once it was over.

2 was a kid I fell in love with and still loved dearly, though would never go back to even if God himself came down and said 'Get back together with him or you're going to Hell'. I'm already going there, sweetie. And if it didn't work all those times before, If I know I am not good for him and he's not good for me, it just won't work.

3 was the person who gave me hope about relationships. About myself. And up until our break-up, I felt like we were perfect in the other's eyes even if we both have a list of our own flaws hidden somewhere. And though I tried to convince myself I'd never go back to him, I wanted to. I really did.


I ended chosing door number One. When a friendly 'try to get her to squeak by tickling her' ended up with me falling into his arms, and neither of us moved. When we started to talk, had time to ourselves for a few days and both decided to give it another chance. Maybe it started too suddenly, being two days after his break-up with someone who shall go unnamed, but we kept talking about it. Making sure it was right, making sure we were ready to try again.

Does this mean I gave up on 2 or 3, that I don't love them anymore? Not in the least. I honestly believe I love all three the same amount, but the love just changed forms. I still have memories of them both, still end up laughing and crying because of them, still have trouble breathing when I think about what went wrong. But I have to move on.

For my sake,
For 2 and 3's sakes,
for 1's sake.