Too Cold For Angels To Fly:. Chapter Five:.The Explicit Version

We're in our old apartment, Angel and I. Playing a silly game of Batman-themed Trouble that we bought at a dollar store, and enjoying our ice cream sundaes. Her face is full of life, her eyes sparkling behind her thick-framed glasses. Her hair is pixie short, and she's wearing my class ring as a necklace. A school couple's traditional sign of commitment, yes, but she never asked for anything more, and I never thought about it. School first, family later; That was my way of thinking.

I end up winning, and she laughs, punching my arm playfully and accusing me of cheating. I tickle her, and we both end up sprawled on the floor with laughter. We kiss with our eyes closed. My eyes open, and it isn't Angel anymore. Still in that same apartment, but now in my bedroom, Jan and I are together. Her smile, though not as bright as Angel's, captivates me and draws me into another kiss. I barely hear the door open. I barely hear the 'clink' of something dropping onto the floor. I barely hear the sobs, but I can feel them. I open my eyes after the make-out session, and find no one there. I climb out of bed, open the door, and I'm no longer in the apartment.

It is raining. The streets are bustling with nightlife, traffic and clubbers and teenagers going on shopping trips. I'm not physically there, but I see a girl with a mascara-stained face with barely anything but a tube top and shorts on. You can practically see everything her clothing tries to hide, and that was her intention. A car pulls up, and she gets inside. She whispers something in the man's ear, nibbles at it, and the two of them drive off without a second thought. My stomach turns with dread. "Make it stop." I hear myself say, but the scene keeps going. She's sitting on a bed at a sleazy hotel with the man, completely stripped to her underwear. He starts to saunter closer to her, but she stops him with one hand. Very clearly, as if watching a movie, I can hear what's going on.


"You know the deal, hun. Money first." Her voice is firm, yet sexy. His is borderline drunk, gravely.


"And what if I don't like what I get?"


"This is the third time this month, I'm pretty sure you like what you get." She lifts herself from the bed, takes a few steps towards him, and holds her hand out further. "What do you say, sexy?" She forces the last word, but he buys into it. He fishes the cash out of his pants which are littered on the floor, puts it in her messenger bag, then makes his way right over to her. "That's better." She adds a soft giggle, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him deeply. She goes to release the kiss, but he won't let her. He's practically forcing his tongue gown her throat as he pushes her to the bed. She goes along with it, helping him position themselves on the bed. She's tugging his hair with one hand, the other keeping herself balanced as he towers over her. She's gasping for air as he finally lets the kiss go, then gasping of mild surprise as he bites down on the right side of her neck. He sucks the patch of bruised skin as he tears her bra and panties off, and she merely approves with a string of light sighs and moans. She's used to this. She's mapped out what he does to a tee, and everything goes like it had two times before.

Until.

The client throws his boxers to the other side of the room, spreads open her legs, and goes to dive right in. Quickly she maneuvers herself so she's kneeling, despite his weight on her. "Condom." She simply says. He shakes his head and tries again. This time she rolls off the bed, keeping her distance. "You know my rules."

"Your rules should change unless you want to go another day without food." Her face twists as she looks down at her skinny frame, her ribs almost poking out from behind the skin. She sighs.

"Take your money. I'm leaving." Before she can even grab her clothes he grabs her, slamming her against the wall. She yelps, the yelp being stifled by his tongue. She's lifted off the ground, pinned on the wall by his weight, legs spread against her will. He thrusts into her without warning. She lets out a horrifying moan into his mouth, her body writhing. She doesn't want this. She's absolutely terrified, helpless. His lips leave hers as he rams into her again, and knowing better, she bites her lip to stop from crying out. His arms grab her wrists so tightly they could bleed, his chest is crushing hers. He speaks after the third thrust.

"You want this, you sick bitch. You need this. You need me." He whispers into her ear. "Scream for me, whore. Let me know you want it."

She hesitates. She's completely numb, trying to get away by forcing her mind somewhere else. Her tired eyes avoid his lusting, raging orbs of blue. He pushes up harder against her, removes his hand, and smacks her thigh as hard as he can. "Tell me!"

She's choking back tears as she lets out a moan and a whimper. "More.." her voice is shattered, as is the rest of her. He starts to soften his grip. As her only way of defense, she moans again. "Yes.. Nnh.. More! Please! Master.."

He likes that alot. A twisted smile shines on his face as he quickens his pace, leaving kisses on her neck. It's working. "A-aahn! Master.. Fuck me.. H-harder.." Tears are streaming down her face, but he doesn't even notice. Without warning he pulls out of her and removes his body, letting her drop to the floor. She wants to move. She wants to run right out of there, away from him. But she can't. He picks her up by the hair and drags her over to the bed, throwing her onto her stomach. Her eyes widen, holding a silent prayer that he doesn't do what she thinks he's going to. I hear myself cursing him off, but I'm not there. He can't hear anything but panting, groaning. He lets out a cackle that slices right through the ears as he lifts her ass up, finds the hole that hasn't been used, and slams into her. A blood-curding scream echoes throughout the room. He slaps her again on the side, hitting her rib cage. I try to hard to open my eyes, to get away from this, but I'm just as helpless as her. She's clawing the sheets, biting down on her lip, hard. "Stop.." She's barely audible, but he hears it. He slaps her again.

"Wrong word, Angel baby. Make your master cum. Tell him what he wants to hear."

She's gasping, holding back sobs with each thrust, trying to gather words despite the lump in her throat. Her lip is bleeding, as are her wrists. She can't get herself to speak, so she tries to move in time with his thrusts. He growls, grabbing her breast with one hand and squeezing it as hard as he can. She has to speak to save herself. She starts with a light moan. "Master.. I want all of you inside of me. Now.. Nh.. Please!" He stills, pushing as far as he can go, and dumps everything inside of her. He lets her drop as he pulls out of her, and stands back to see the girl he just destroyed. He shakes his head, grabs his clothes from the other side of the room, and dresses with ease. His final words to her:

"I'll let you keep the money. Until next time, Angel Baby."

My eyes shoot open as I gasp for air. My entire body is numb, sweaty, boiling. I'm enraged. I glance at the clock, Eleven thirty at night. "Fuck." I mutter. I only meant to sleep for a few hours, not the entire evening. I didn't even make Angel supper. Angel! I force myself out of the bed, almost crashing into the wall before I make it to the door. I hurry myself into the living room, look immediately at the couch. Not there.

I tense up again. "Angel?" I call out, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. She couldn't have left. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. I look out the window. It started to rain, not helping my mind at all after the nightmare I just had. My car's still there. Good. I pivot on my heel and race to the bathroom. The door is wide open, no sign of her. I check every room in the house twice,including the attic and garage. "Like she'd actually go into the attic." I scold myself. The backyard was empty, as was the front. I called her name every three steps I took. Nothing.

I slump back into the house, my entire body reeling, my head throbbing. "Where the hell are you?!" I yell, my eyes darting. I realize there was one room I haven't checked. The door was closed. With a deep breath, I make my way to the door and put my ear to it. I hear nothing. I crack the door open a tiny bit, and find her curled up by the bassinet fast asleep. She's hugging one of the stuffed animals we bought for the new baby, a baby pink rabbit. Thank god she doesn't have the disease-ridden jacket on her, or else I'd have to throw it out. Or let her keep it. She looks so innocent with the toy, so peaceful in her sleep, that anyone would have thought she was just a fourteen year old. Seeing her safe calmed me down, if only a tiny bit. I slump to the floor, rub my temple with my palm, and lean back against the wall. What if she did leave? How would I have reacted? I honestly can't say. Part of me would want to call the police, but in the meantime search endlessly for her. Part of me would be relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. But which part was more prominent? Which emotion would take over, love or relief?

Love.. I don't even know if you can call it that. Guilt. Fear. Hatred. Not hatred for her, but what she became. What I made her become. { "None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that."} I replay her words over and over. How could it not be my fault? I kicked her out of the apartment. I sent her packing, knowing all too well she didn't have anyone else to go back to. It was my fault. My fault. My fault..

Angel's eyes catch mine, and I snap out of my thoughts.  With a yawn, though still holding the rabbit, she sits upright. Her eyes never leave mine. "You look like death." she states simply, rubbing her eyes. "Bad dream?" I catch her and myself off guard by laughing a bit too loudly.

"That doesn't even begin to describe it."

"Was it about me?" She knew. The two of us look away, and she takes a deep breath. "It's none of my business, so I'll leave it at that. But, for what it's worth, my dream wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either." She looks down at the stuffed animal, and wiggles its ears. I sigh deeply, trying to forget what I just witnessed. It left me with so many questions, so much that I needed to know. Only, I didn't need to know. It wasn't any of my business and wouldn't help her in any way. She notices the grave look on my face and cocks her head to the side. "What is it, Olli?"

"..May I ask you about your 'job'?" I made sure to use air quotes, getting a somewhat bitter laugh from Angel. She looks back down at the toy, and sets it down, hugging her knees.

"Sure. I'm assuming that's what the dream was about."

"You know me too well." I sigh, trying to think of where to start. "I don't even know what to ask."

She nods. "Not an easy thing to talk about unless you're a client." She laughs. I don't. Clearing her throat, she goes on. "I didn't start out with prostituting, if that's what you think. After my steady job as a waitress fell through, I couldn't get rehired. The only place that even called me back for an interview was a strip bar. Started as a bartender, but then they saw what I'm like when I have too much to drink and made me a performer. It paid well." Silence. her face changes. "But it wasn't enough to get myself in a stable spot. So one of the customers said they'd pay me for a night with me all to themselves. Needless to say I said yes. But I still had standards."

"Standards?" It was starting to sound like my dream. I shiver, and she pretends not to notice.

"Have to be paid first. Otherwise there's a good chance of not getting paid at all." Her eyes meet mine for a quick moment before looking away. "No video cameras, no people watching. No drugs, though alcohol is okay. But most importantly, they have to use a condom." My stomach lurches. My mouth moves without me knowing.

"Has anyone taken advantage of that rule?"

She goes silent, and my heart breaks all over again. "There's always that one person once in a while. But it's not that common. Most of my clients respect my rules." I feel my muscles loosen at this, and the tension between us starts to thin out. "I made sure to take the day after pill when it did happen though, so don't worry." Somehow, she manages a light smile. I catch myself smiling back. "Any other questions?"

"What's the worst thing they--" Again my mouth moves on impulse, but I catch it. "Nothing. Forget it."

"The worst thing they ever did to me?" Her eyes meet mine. She's flashing back to the bad memories. I instantly feel horrible for saying it. She goes to speak, and I hope to got she doesn't say anal rape. "There were a few who left without paying me. Then there were others, thankfully one-shotters as I call them, who were more on the sadistic side. " Her eyes leave mine again as she rubs her hip. I feel like I'm going to throw up, remembering what the demon in my nightmare did to her. Someone must've treated her that way, if not worse.

"Why do you put up with it?" I scoot a tiny bit closer only for our eyes to meet again, hers widening as I move.  I stop dead, but don't leave her gaze.

"It's hard to turn back from a life like this, Oliver. It changes everything. Physical labor. Diet. Sleep schedule, health, fear." She hangs onto that last word. "Not to mention being incapable of intimacy."

I understand that. If ever she found love again, she wouldn't be able to show her affection. The simplest kiss would make her shrivel up, let alone sex. For the safety of her partner she probably wouldn't give herself to him. And, even if she did clean up and find love, if they knew what she was before, they wouldn't want her. I sigh, mushing my face with both hands. I get a light chuckle in response from Angel. "Tired?"

"Very." I yawn, triggering one from herself as she stretches out like a cat, and curls right back up on the floor. Her smirk fades as she zones out, eyes half opened, deep in thought. She turns. Again. Left, right, on her back, on her stomach. She lets out what sounds like a growl. I smile. "Can't get comfortable?" She shakes her head. I stand up, and grab a pink fleece blanket from the Nursery closet. "Here." I drape it over her, and she smiles a childish thank you. Both of our smiles fade, and I realize we probably had the same little flashback.

I used to tell her bedtime stories when she couldn't sleep, which was frequent. Most of the time I would tell her the story of how she was sent, like her name suggests, down from Heaven to save a reckless little boy from his self destructive ways. On nights where I was away most of the day, I would tell her a dramatized version of my day. I always ended it with 'But none of his adventures compared to seeing his Angel once again.'.  It was true, at the time.

 A faint sob snaps me out of my flashback. She's crying again, hunched over herself, clawing at her skin. I rush to her side, removing her claws from her wrist. "Shhh.. Angel." I whisper, trying not to join her in her sobs. "Everything's alright."

"Bullshit." She says what I was thinking. "I'm not alright. This situation isn't alright. We.." She shakes her head, and sobs again. I sigh, and pull her up on my lap like a father would to their kid. I lift my chin over her head, and pull her close, rocking her gently. It's as if I'm no longer her friend, her former lover, but a father figure. Or an older brother. The older brother thing makes a bit more sense. Her sobs stop after a few minutes, yet she remains awake. She lightly pushes away from me."I should try and sleep, as should you. Don't wanna be late to pick up Jan."

I simply nod, gently place her back down, and stand up. There were still things left unsaid, things that should have been cleared up. But I'll wait. There will always be a better time.

Won't there? 

Writer's Block:.Poem

My muses are no longer amusing,
the pen no longer spills red ink.
The clouds in my mind do not condense,
thus rain cannot stain the paper.
A blank slate, though cliche,
is the only thing I see.
Perhaps to mean rebirth,
yet the newborn does not go blind.
The faces are stamped on each letter,
even if it is not from nor addressed to them.
Ink can be smudged, yet the one who smears it
can still read the fine print.

Fear

My past is something I cling to,
not because I fear the future,
but I fear memory loss.

I don't want to forget the friendships I've made,
The love, the loss, the simplicity and complications.

I fear that one day I will wake up
and not know who you are.
I will introduce myself to friends
as if they are strangers on the street,
 and not dare to think that perhaps they
saved my life, or inspired me, or hurt me.

I cling to the past because of fear.
Without my memories I have nothing.
Wisdom, character, will power, caution.
I would be a helpless woman having to
re-learn the suffering and splendors of this life.

If I never meet you,
will it be easier to forget?
If I meet you,
will the past and present also meet?
Will they join together,
or drift even farther apart?

Routines since I moved in

Biting 3-15 Times a day

Starving myself/going to bed hungry

Crying self to sleep

Planning how to kill them

Wondering how a cigarette tastes

Leaving the house without telling anyone and no one bothering to care

Suicidal thoughts

Reminding myself why I suffer

Working myself to the bone at my job and not wanting to leave

Not wanting to do anything but sleep and have sex when I am 'home'

Trying as hard as I can to not refer to this place as my home

Home Part 2

So, I absolutely love it here <3 My motivation is back; I've been learning dances, studied for two hours of my own free will. My confidence is back, too, ever since I got that haircut yesterday. I haven't had a haircut since before Easter 2013, and oh my goodness she did such a great job <3 I actually want to wear my natural hair out in public more often, and my confidence boosted. 8D I even got a few look-overs from intrigues people in the mall as I walked by.

There's so many shopping districts here, too. There's two malls, about 6 or 7 shopping districts/strip malls, and fast food places/restaurants out the ying-yang within 15 minutes of here! I've easily spent 200 already, but everything was worth it and counted as a birthday gift to myself. I barely get out and shop for myself anymore, other than for necessities like food. If Love and I moved here, we'd have no problem finding jobs. I could transfer to a Wawa up here(though I have never worked at a gas store before 8D') and get a job on the side, and Love could apply for a supermarket or retail. There's so many places around to apply to, so we'd have a lot of opportunities.

I haven't spoken to him about it yet, let alone asked my parents. I want to do my research first; I'd like to see how easy it would be to transfer stores and if my benefits will still count, ways to get everything to my parents house as easily as possible, the nearest schools and bus systems in PA. I'd like him to come visit first, see what he thinks. My father allowed a change to the no-boyfriends-sleeping-over rule, but he'd have to sleep in the basement(which once we get furniture and stuff down there will be like a mini-apartment.) If my parents can see how good he treats me, how much potential he has, they might consider when I ask if we could move in and either he or the both of us would pay rent.

I'm going to talk it over with him, definitely. Perhaps sooner if my depression comes back right after I go back to Jersey. I think it would do us both good to get out of such a stressful environment and actually move on in our lives. Start paving the way for if and when we get our own place, and whatever may follow afterwards.

I'm just not sure where to start. -sweatdrop-

We Could Be The Same:.

The air is still, almost suffocating as the kunoichi makes her way through the forest. Being the morning before the scheduled invasion, it was no time to do what she was planning. She was playing a fool's game, and she knew it. Each breath stabs her upon intake, and her body becomes heavier with each jump. {It's not too late to turn back, child.} Her father's serpentine voice slithers through her mind, and she almost considers listening. She would be killed in an instant for betraying, not to mention the damage that would be done to the toad sage and his little tadpole of a son. She jumps up higher as she reaches the gate, swiftly and flawlessly despite the weight of her nerves. The daughter of Orochimaru, nervous? It was almost laughable.

Making sure her markings were covered and hair hidden beneath a wool cap, with her body cloacked in a black cape, she zipped through the villiage towards the familiar bush in front of the house she knew all too well. Her eyes closed and breathing stilled as she listened for signs of life in the house. It was still painfully early, almost four in the morning. She could probably sneak in and kill them both without being traced, and though an amusing thought, that was not her objective today. Her objective was one even more costly than taking a life.

Her objective was to save one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clink.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

Bright blue eyes flutter open to the strange sound coming from outside. With a groan, a shirtless boy slips out of his bed and trudges outside. {What the heck is hitting the house so early? It's not nearly the season for hail..} He scans the side of the house, listening all the while.

Clink.

He is by the bush in front by the time he hears it again. With a confused glance at the bush,  he picks up a pebble and throws it. "Who's there?" He whispers, staying still as the shadow emerges. It takes several seconds before he notices the long strands of hair falling from the cap, and the figure behind the cloak. He takes a step towards her, getting nothing in response. Again he tries, and nothing. They are face-to-face when she finally moves, swiftly taking the cap off and letting her hair curtain her eyes.The girl refuses to show any emotion as they stand there in silence. With a sigh, he scratches the back of his head. "Why are you here, Kinari?" He's tired, confused, but still a bit happy to see her.

"We need to talk. Preferably not out in the open." her voice is husky, but soft as she carefully chooses her words. "Is your father home?" A nod from the boy ignites a sigh from his lover. He rubs his eyes before speaking.

"Teleport to my room. I'll lock the door."

With that said, moments later, they were in the oh-so-familiar room that they spent several evenings in. This time it was different. Anxiousness hung thick in each corner, heavy and harmful. Kinari's cloaknow littered the floor where she stood, back to him, fingers interlaced while he stared at her from behind. It felt like a year before the snake spoke.

"You need to postpone the mission." She didn't need to look to know that his eyes were now wide, lips slightly parted in surprise. She adds quickly, "I knew about it since the second day I met you. It wasn't hard to gather the information. But regardless, you mustn't go tomorrow."

"And why not?" Takeshi now stood behind her, begging unspoken for her eyes to meet his. She denies his request, closing her eyes as she spoke. The air around her was poison filling her lungs with each intake of breath.

"I won't be able to control myself if you do in fact show up. My father and I ready for a bloodbath, and not of our own blood. Catch us while we're off guard.." Her hands fly apart and re-position in front of her. Her heart is hammering her mind into it's grave, slowly but surely. "And we might be able to spare you for a little longer." She couldn't say it. She couldn't say the absolute truth of her request, and so she locked her jaw as the silence grew around them.

"Kinari.." The way he spoke her name didn't send a blush as it normally did. No, it made her scared. Why the hell did she not turn back when she had a chance? Why did she go through all of this trouble? Why did she lo--

A soft, sweet kiss on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts and brought her eyes to open. He nestled her in his embrace, warm and comforting. "For you I will at least try to talk to my dad. Because honestly, I don't want to have to fight you. If I had to hurt you, well, I'd rather not see you at all." He is calm as he speaks, his mouth tickling the corner of her ear. Very carefully he steps around to meet her eyes, to soak in all of the emotion pouring out of them. Not once before this had he seen her so vulnerable. Human. Yes, she was human, despite being born into a monster's bloodline. "But for now, can you stay?"

"Thank you. But I can't." Her eyes dart away, yet she does not move. "If he finds out I left.."

"This isn't about Orochimaru." Just hearing the name made the both of them cringe. "Forget about him. Forget about my father. Right now, right this very moment, it's just about you and I. Kinari and Takeshi." a finger gingerly slides up the kunoichi's neck to her chin, lifting her face to his. Their lips are centimeters from touching, yet neither of them move. After a moment's time, very slowly, the girl wraps her arms around him, and with a smile he picks her up wedding-style and gingerly places her upon the soft sheets. He kneels next to her on the bed, smoothing out her hair and staring into those golden eyes. His eyes follow hers down and he laughs lightly, taking her cue to remove her shirt. For the first time, his eyes survey her body in awe, not lust, and again their eyes meet. His voice is so calm, so light as he speaks. "I don't even wish to take you right now.. I just want to take in your beauty and embed it into my mind. I never want to forget you." He frowns as tears fell from her eyes, and kisses them away. "Kinari-chan, please don't cry. Was it something I said? I didn't mean for you to--"

"Just shut up and kiss me, dork." With her famous smirk fading into a loving smile, she brings her lips to his and kisses him with every emotion. There is no use of tongue, no biting this time around, just pure kisses getting deeper with each one. They part, and Kinari chuckles. "Enough talk, Takeshi. Words are fleeting." she kisses his forehead. "This might be the last time we meet.." she kisses his cheek. "So let's treat this time like our first should have been.No lust. Just.. love.." His eyes widen with overwhelming joy and he nearly suffocates her with a hug. They laugh as she pulls him close, on top of her, and smile into a precious kiss. Her heart feels so weightless right now, as if all of the guilt, the deceit, evaporated and left nothing but a cloud of sweet air. This is no longer a ruse to get information and a good lay, no. This is more. This is pure, almost innocent, love. A feeling she had never felt before.


The two, completely spent, lay together legs entwined and eyes locked. Tears stained both of their faces, and their hearts still beat fiercely. This was the last time they would be together before the battle. This was the last time Kinari would ever say that she loved him. This was the last time they would be happy and remotely at peace. The next time they met would be a battle to the death. And they knew this so well they could taste the spoiled blood, their stomachs churning. Takeshi closed his eyes and buried his face into the nape of her neck, sighing deeply. "The sun should be rising any minute now. You need to go, and I need to think of a plan." His words were gentile as he slipped away from her, allowing her to stand. "I will do anything I can to stop our attack."

Hesitantly getting dressed, the kunoichi avoided his eyes in fear that she would cry again. She couldn't cry in front of him. She couldn't cry for him. She had to harden her heart again and face him with the strongest steel, be it later that day or on a different date. "We will be ready for you. Don't let your guard down and neither will we." The coldness in her words completely shatters the warmth in the room. "You are warned. Takeshi." And with that, she vanishes from the room.

Home

As some people may know, come the 17th, I'm visiting my parents for the first time in PA. I never got to see the house in the five months that they've lived in it, minus pictures from before they moved in, so I'm rather excited for that. Plus I get to see my feline sisters again <3 Oh my god I missed them so much.

But the main reason I'm going is for my own health. I have been really emotionally and physically icky the past month or so, and not just when my monthly demon rolls around. My suicidal/murderous side has started to crawl back to me, and I started losing motivation in everything- work, studying, dubbing, etc.

It's not because of my love at all, no. Love has been the most understanding, patient and kind person in the world. It's because of his incompetent father and grandfather who at this point should be dead(according to health problems), a loudmouth mother who doesn't have any consideration for anyone and always blows up over EVERYTHING. Someone is sick in this house every week, and to go a day let alone five hours without yelling or door slamming being heard is a miracle. Even my best moods have been ruined because of these stupid things. This stress is carrying into my workspace and is over-all unpleasant. I've bitten so many times since I moved in that the patch of skin is practically rubber and permanently miscoloured. 

Already I can feel the wear of living here in the place in which I'll never consider a home with people who I'll never consider family(minus Love and perhaps his brother). I've been wanting to visit my folks for months, and finally I have the chance.

I have contemplated moving in with them. If this visit does as much good as I think it's going to, and if I get all of my stress back once I return to Jersey, I'm getting right back on that bus and going home(to PA). I can find a job, keep up my self studying until I can afford culinary school. My love and I will have to stomach a long distance relationship until one of us finds an apartment and has the other move in. I know we can do it. I really believe.