The Smell of Scallions,

freshly cut, take me from the bus-stop to my grandmother's backyard, when I would pick them with my cousins. Of couse a nine year old didn't know that she was playing while her grandmother lay in her deathbed, just amazed by scallions and the little pond outside the retirement house. A wave of nostalgia sweeps through me as I remember each time I would spend time with my grandmother, before they moved from Barnegat to the retirement community, before her cancer took over. Playing jacks and pick-up sticks on the kitchen floor, coloring books on the counter or playing Sorry with her and my grandfather, or picking strawberries fresh out of grandfather's garden. Then, when holidays came around, the entire family would be at her house- her assortment of dolls and holiday decor glittering the house, a huge tree with M&M ornaments in the corner of the living room, just in the corner of the window and the 'balcony'. There was no TV in the living room- In fact, only a couch and a small radio took up residence in the room. The TV- the giant screen one, atleast- was down stairs, where my grandfather, John(back when I'd think of him as dad) and the other guys retreated for football and Poker after supper. And then later the girls would take over, put on a movie like Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, and sing along to the entire movie.

       My grandmother always crafted her food by hand, and made lovely holiday meals and desserts. The taste of orange cream pie now tickles my tongue- I remember that she would always make extra orange creme and put it in a container for me, once her pie-making was done. I also remember watching the smaller TV, shows like Star Search and Disney movies, while eating Blast-o-Butter popcorn. Kind of strange, how I can still remember everything we did, and picture the house exactly how it was 9-10 years ago. If I was to go back into that house I could tell you everything that was in it and where it was, and what I spent most time doing in each room.If only I could remember my current days like I do that house.

     I wake up from my nostalgia to hear a song that I tried to avoid today- Dare I Say by Alexander Rybak. Or any Alexander Rybak song, for that matter.Why?

Today, October 21st, would have been a year if we were still together. And so I feel off. Not because I particularly miss him, no. It's the simple question that tugs at me at the anniversary of anything- 'What if things went differently?' I wonder if I would be as depressed and stressed as I am now, if we still would have been going strong. And if so, what would have happened between 1 and I? Would we have kept in touch after he graduated? And when 3 went to college, if we would still be together, how would that have affected everything? Would we have somehow found a way to be together tonight, or talk about how much we loved and missed eachother? It's just.. strange to think about. Pointless to think about.

But the question that tugs at me the hardest, so hard infact that I would fall face-first, is if he even remembers or realizes what today was a year ago. I can't ask him, I don't want to ask him. It would bring up things that should be left unspoken. Things that could ruin what is perfect right now..