Movie Night

So, 3 came home from College, being on break, and decided to organize a whole movie night with his friends like we used to do. I was really excited to see him again since it was months, but at the same time I didn't know what to expect. Concidering the last time I saw him I almost cried, and the fact that 1 was also there and it's still awkward being with 1 when 3 is in the room, I really didn't know what feelings would come up. But, when he pulled up, he was in the best mood I had ever seen him in, with dance music blasting. It was hard not to be in a good mood too.

The night went pretty smoothly, actually. No depression (minus that very slight awkward moment when people were talking about hooking up with other people/ past hook-ups and frankly I did not want to hear any of it because it made me sick no matter who was saying it), just a bunch of laughs and fun. It was great to see everyone again.

The car ride home was much more silent than the ride there, with 1 in the car as well. We rode in silence minus my iPod and the occasional singing from myself and/or 3. I wasn't sure what was going through my mind, to be honest. I was lost in the music, in nostalgia, I guess. Just because I missed the rides like this, with and without 1 in the car. I said my goodbyes, kissed 1, and of couse had to ask 3 for a hug. I mean, I have no idea when I'd see him again  and he meant alot to me.

He's a really great friend, a great person. I guess I miss him, but moreso just hanging out, ya know? Conversations, laughter, going places. I don't necessarily miss the more intimite stuff, which should be a good thing since I'm with 1 again. And really, even if I wasn't with 1, I'd still not miss the more intimite stuff. If anything I'd miss holding hands, snuggling together. The extent of what middle school couples (should) be. Because the way I see it the other stuff isn't important, and it can destroy a relationship. The relationship could become all about make-out sessions and almost-to-the-point-of-sex states, making just regular dates strained or just nonexistant. They could become so important that one or both of you depend on the other's love to get by.

I don't want that. I never wanted that, even though that is how 2 and even partially 1 and 3 ended up as. I just want to fall in love. A love not about sex or intimacy, a love about giving, not taking. A love that focuses on just being able to spend time with the person and genuinely feel like they are your blood. I want to find a love that actually changes my views on marriage, that could change my views on  my mortality.

I'm not sure I found it yet. I know that I wished that I would find it in either 1, 2 or 3. Especially 1 and 3. I wouldn't date anyone else, atleast not until after college depending if I live that long. The only other person I would even consider dating I let go of my feelings for, or atleast gave up my wanting to confess it to her.

I got off track. Simply put, tonight was amazing. 3 and I are still good friends and I'm glad about that. 1 and I aren't awkward, also glad about that. And I think things are a tiny bit clearer now that I rid my mind of these thoughts, so I will sleep easily tonight.

Goodnight.