Daydream

It is close to midnight, and I've just worked a long night. I come home to the house I own and my love greets me at the door with a smile and a hug. He has drawn me a bubble bath and put my penguin bath robe on the door. I hop in the tub, he sits on the toilet as if it were a chair, and we talk about eachother's day while I soak. By this time he has a job, and he works days while I work evenings. Our daughter of the feline species sneaks into the bathroom, meows as loud ad she can, and headbutts me. We all laugh.

He helps me out of the tub and wraps the robe around me, holding me close. We hug in silence for a minute until Yossie meows again. Laughing, I pick her up and carry her to the kitchen where I give her a treat and fix up a small snack for myself.

Sitting in our luxurious memory-foam bed, I eat my snack and we watch TV for a half an hour or so before it's time for bed. He kisses my forehead goodnight, I kiss him on the lips, and then we fall asleep in eachother's arms.

I wake up before him, and lie next to him for a couple minutes before I get up(and probably shoo Yossie off of my legs), run to the bathroom, and then cook us breakfast. It just finishes cooking by the time he wakes up. We eat at our brand new kitchen table, then he gets ready for work while I do some chores before my shift starts. When I come home this night, I'll have time to make us a nice dinner, and then we play a boardgame and maybe make love before bed. Each night ends differently, but it's always a happy ending.

I would give up most of my current life to be able to make this a reality in the next two years.

Haunted

You still haunt me everyday.
When I'm on tumblr, I see something
that reminds me of you.
When I'm at work, a customer
looking exactly like you
gets in my line.
When I listen to music,
somehow, somewhere,
I hear your voice.

I want to forget you so badly,
but the only way I can is if my brain
is damaged beyond compare.
Because you are in every memory.
You are in every dream, every sense,
every thought and every ounce of loneliness.

You haunt me worse than any crime,
any scar, any ghost.

The Things You Miss.

You forget the luxuries of living alone.

Blasting music, don't have to share the computer, can eat whenever you want, can sleep whenever you want, and can take up the entire bed without feeling guilty.

But you miss opening your eyes and seeing his sleeping face, coming home from a day of work and being welcomed with kisses and nuzzles. You miss watching videos together, laughing about stupid shit. You miss the showers and the dinner dates and the times when it was just the two of you. You miss the late night scrabble, and the moment of cuddling before you both scurry to your opposite sides of the bed, one of you almost falling off.

I'm meant to live alone. I function better when I'm able to do my own thing.

But damn, I'd do anything to get another week with you.

The People He Touched:. Lucy

This Is Not Our Story.

 
There is a voice only audible to those who choose to hear it. The carrier of this voice can take on many forms, use many tactics, and effects each person differently. What could save one person’s life could take another’s in just one quick moment. We know this. Our purpose is to give words to that voice, to inform you that he exists.

This is not our story.

We are merely the people he touched.

Lucy.

The first time I remember seeing him was on my fifth birthday. The overwhelming scent combination of hot dogs, french fries, popcorn and funnel cakes filled the air of what was supposed to be a church parking lot. Set along the left hand curb were tents with giant stuffed animals and toys hanging inside them. Right in the center of the lot was a small booth with a tiny window, where tickets would be purchased for the many rides and attractions they offered. On my wrist was a yellow paper wristband, that magically matched the polka-dotted bandana tied around the crown of my head. I was waiting for this fair since last year, because I was finally tall enough to ride most of the rides. The smile on my face was almost as bright as the blinking lights on the Merry Go Round or UFO ride, and my laughter was louder than the music. I held on to both of my parents' hands as we walked, swinging our arms back and forth, until we came to a stop. You had to tilt your head all the way up to see the top of this giant metal wheel, with 16 thin seats suspended between the bars. Your feet hung off the side freely, and the seat belt was a rectangular door with a safety bar. I take a step back and bump into my mother's leg. 

"What's wrong, Luchia? You've been talking about the Ferris Wheel all week!" My dad laughs while ruffling my hair.

"I didn't realize THIS was it!" I shout, then go quiet as the whirring starts. The seats go much faster than the one I saw in the movies. I hear a kid scream from the top. My stomach drops, and I quickly look down. Through the corner of my eye I see someone kneel down next to me. Thinking it's my dad, I go to hug them, but I immediately fold back in when our eyes meet. He doesn't look like my dad, but he also doesn't seem like a stranger. My parents warned me about strangers. But this man.. he was so familiar, almost welcoming, like a distant relative. He is young, looking similar to my thirteen year old cousin Gabriel. He has curly hair down to his chin, cornflake yellow with a slightly tan face. Green eyes shine through thick, rectangular framed glasses. I smile lightly at him, and he returns the favour. His voice is very friendly.

"Hey there, Lucy." He glances up at the wheel, then at me. "Not at all what you were expecting, huh? He chuckles as I shake my head furiously. "Doesn't seem fun at all, in my opinion. Someone could get hurt. I sure don't want you getting hurt." Normally my cousin would jokingly punch me, yet this person remained in place, arms loosely hanging over his knees. Even when he stood, I barely had to look up. "What looks fun to you?"

I glance around and notice the Merry Go Round, the hand painted horses and zebras dancing around at a slow pace to the whimsical orgel tune. "The Merry go Round." I answer him, and both of my parents look at me. "I'd like to do that instead." 

"Well, that's settled then!" My dad's voice takes over, and my mom picks me up. As they carry me to the line, I look back to thank him.

He must have gone to a different ride.

Second Thoughts:.

 I walk into the house after a long day at work. It's around midnight, and everyone in the house is either asleep or outside. I throw my hat on the floor, flip the bathroom light on and brush my teeth while looking down. It's just as I finish up when I hear a voice behind me. "You're really going to move, huh?" The tone is amused, almost taunting, and I don't need to look up to know who it is.
Quite a handsome man stands behind me. His ashen hair falls to mid back in a messy ponytail, and darke green eyes glint behind thin framed glasses. He stands at 5 feet and 6 inches, a little taller than myself, in black denim and a red satin vest. I glance up at him through the mirror and see his arms playfully crossed, the hint of a smile on his face while his eyes are serious. I don't show emotion, I cannot show emotion to this man. I reach for m ponytail and tighten it. "I am."

He nods once, then shifts his weight so he's leaning slightly backwards. "I'm surprised. You might have reasons, understandable reasons for wanting to return home, yet your dad didn't seem to have an answer for you, did he?" He saunters over and puts his right hand on my shoulder. "What if he doesn't say yes?" His hand slides down to my chest, and my breathing staggers. I look into his eyes through the mirror.

"He will say yes. There's not a doubt in my mind." I boldly say. A light chuckle escapes his throat and his eyes glow with amusement, yet he doesn't move. His arm dangles over me, his torso ever so slightly brushing up against my back. He thinks for a moment before he speaks again.

"Let's say he does say yes, and you leave your boyfriend behind. He'd be devastated, no? Enough to be unfaithful to you in your long distance relationship. Or perhaps.." His voice gets silkier, almost feminine. "You will be the one to find someone new. To break ties." He goes to kiss my neck and I move my hand just in time to where his lips kiss my middle finger. He frowns, and I remain strong. I will not let him trick me again. I can stare him in the face and not be pulled in. And so I turn to face him, despite the pace of my heart and the slight risk I take. He tries one more tactic.

"If perhaps you do break ties, whether it be due to another lover or not being able to handle being apart for so long, it would be a shame. Everything you sacrificed for him would mean nothing. Everything that you worked for would mean nothing. You would have wasted three whole years of your life." I bite my cheek to hold back retaliation and look away. He trails his finger along my stomach and up to my chin, tilting my face so our eyes met. "You would have to start all over because you have to and not because you want to. You would fall to pieces." As he says this his lips inch closer to mine, and at the very last word they meet. My mouth willingly opens to let him in, to taste and to torture and to give in as he planned. He holds me way too close and way too rough. As the kiss breaks he gives me an accomplished grin. "It would be best to think about this more, my dear. Let me linger for a few nights before you decide, hm?"

I am defeated. With a sigh, I let him take my shirt off and lead me to the bed. We lie on our left sides, pressed together with legs entwined. He kisses my cheek and in my lover's voice, says "goodnight".

"Goodnight, Fear."

He was in my dream last night.

I was finally about to meet him. I was home(as in, at my first house with my family) and Love was with me. They were at Love's house, for an unknown reason. I was about to ask my mom to drive us to meet him, very nervously, when they come through the door. I know it was him because I even used his name.

His girlfriend was with him. I smile at her, then shake his hand. That's it. Nothing romantic, no crying because I finally got to meet my first love or any jealousy. It just happened.

I'm trying to decipher the dream. Is this just how I want it to go, if I were to ever meet him? Is this my brain telling me I'm over him? Or my brain giving me 'closure' because I am indeed semi-jealous and missing them?

I guess I'll never know.

Unofficial Girlfriend

I haven't gotten into much of my personal stuff regarding my recent self discovery, but as you may know I'm openly pansexual. I've been physically and emotionally attracted to transgender, female, male, and everywhere in between, and will happily make it aware. Though in the three relationships I've had, they've always been straight and male, and I've never actually got to explore that other side of me. Never got to kiss, cuddle, or date a girl. Never got to ask one out on a date or confess my affection towards them or anything of the like. It was that fact that brought me to ask my love for an Open Relationship, so I could casually date a girl or two and find out what it was like.

The open relationship agreement stated that the two of us could casually go on dates, as long as we ask for permission and granted said permission from each other. If for any reason the other partner denies permission, the date does not happen. Restricted actions include any sexual act, but we could still hold hands or cuddle.

I haven't brought it up in a long while, because I know he's against it even though he simply says 'I don't know.' And I totally understand why he wouldn't be okay with it. But that part of me still exists.

So, my mind got me to believe that I'm kinda sorta dating a new friend of mine, who is also a co worker. It's almost scary how much we have in common, from our work ethic to interests right down to our taste in music. We've hung out several times, unofficial dinner dates and festivals. We've never done anything intimate, and since we both are in committed relationships, probably never will. She's just a friend as the definition of one would go, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

If the situation were different, we probably would be in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought this too. But for now, we can be the dorky friends that we currently are and fangirl over Jpop idols as we impatiently wait for Momusu's October concert.